Koneko

Joining a forum isn't a usual thing I do but I thought it would be better to get advice from people who don't know me and are in the same situation.

My husband is an alcoholic and is due to get out of rehab in two weeks. Since going in, he either has nothing to say or he yells at me over anything. I have been told this is to be expected but it has also been said that I may never get the man I knew back. It is very difficult to support someone who is being mean. It has reached the point where I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, I just want him to get better and have a good life.

The problem on top of this right now is that I had to tell his parents where is and why. His mother has been crying a lot since and thankfully they're not angry at me. My husband refuses to see them and has left it up to me to tell them this. He doesn't have to see anyone (of course) but this is not fair on his parents and it's not fair on me. He is doing ok there and says the therapy is helping, which is great. I'm just worried about what he's coming back to - family who he doesn't want to see and a wife who is just a wife - I don't think there's any real love there now. This is tough as I am in my early 20s (he's a bit older) and I don't want our lives to be ruined. 20 years of this makes me want to run.

That's pretty much the surface of it. Any advice or similar stories would help.

Sueski

It is very difficult to support someone who is being mean

So true.

Koneko, what are you doing to take care of yourself during all this? Maybe setting limits on the meanness is worth thinking about. It may be expected but that doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag. You can always calmly end a conversation if you need to for yourself. Your needs count, too. (I'm still practicing the CALM part of this!! It takes more work to say "I love you, and I'm getting off the phone now" than it does to scream "stop being a jerk!!" but the first option sure has more dignity.)

I don't really have any wisdom to offer about how to proceed overall - there are far wiser and more experienced people here than I, and I'm sure they can help you there - but really, whatever may come will be more manageable if you take care of yourself.

Seren

Hello Koneko, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry to hear about the verbal abuse you are receiving from your husband in recovery. I hope you realize that you do deserve better treatment, and there is no guarantee that if you do wait around 20 years that his behavior will improve.

I think you are also correct that it is your husband's responsibility to tell or not tell his parents what is going on. If they call the rehab facility, I'm sure someone there will tell them that they are not on the 'approved visitors' list if you are not comfortable telling them.

Please take some time and read, read, read all the threads you can--especially the 'stickie' posts at the top of the forum. Lots of great, basic information there! Educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction. That way, you can make the best decision possible for you and for your future.

Welcome, again! HG

Titanic

Sorry you are going through these painful events. We have been there and understand. He is being treated and taken care of, and you have no problem and are happy with that I'm sure.

However, what you do have a problem with is taking care of yourself. Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible (even before visitation or family group meetings begin at his rehab). Al-Anon will help treat and take care of YOU, and WE have no problem with and are happy with that for sure. You just have to settle into being part of that "WE."

After all, this is a FAMILY disease. The sooner we realize that and take steps to get the entire family healing, the better.