SoWhat

XAH and I have been divorced about 3 years. We have a 7 y/o DD and since the divorce, have a pretty amicable relationship. As far as I know, he still drinks and isn't in any type of recovery, but since we've been apart I haven't had to deal with it much first hand. We have mutual friends, and occasionally we will attend the same social gatherings. This was the case last night.

XAH was drunk - not causing a scene or anything (he's usually pretty withdrawn and quiet when he drinks) - but definitely shouldn't have driven home. I noticed it, and I'm sure our friends did too, but no one said anything to him about it, including myself. My reasons for not saying anything or offering him a ride were numerous, but mainly, I didn't want to start an argument, and in all the years I've known him I've never been able to get him to give up the keys - why try now.

But - I don't want to be one of "those people". The ones that stood by and saw what was happening but never said a word. His friends, my friends. Never askred for his keys, never offered a ride, never said, "hey, you're destroying your family by drinking, you might want to consider getting some help". For a long time, I was angry and resentful toward "those people". Now, knowing what I know now, it very well may not have not made a difference - pretty sure he'd ignore it and drive anyway like the other 39859088 times he's done it. And I realize that it's difficult for people to say those things, even (or especially) to a friend. But it's also enabling to pretend nothing's wrong. And for heaven's sake, what if he gets in an accident and kills someone? And no one even tried to stop him?

So what is my responsibility in this situation? I'm sure it will come up again. I know that I can't change him, and certainly can't expect results if I do say something. And I know that his actions are his responsibility, not mine. But I care about him as a person, and my DD adores him. I'd say it to any other friend. The difference here is our history - any discussion of him having a drinking problem resulted in a huge argument and resentment, etc etc. But maybe now, it won't, since I don't have such a vested interest in the consequences of his actions.

And since I didn't say anything last night, would it be a good idea to let him know that I"m still concerned about his drinking? And that I want him to be around to see his little girl grow up? Again, I know it will likely fall on deaf ears, but shouldn't I at least try?

Lulu39

I don't know.

For me though:

If I tried I know I would be sucked back into codie behaviour?

If I tried I know it would lead to more abuse.

When you tried in the past what and where did it get you?

I reported a family member of mine for constant drunk driving. The cops say they care and it's important and they will do something. I still see this person driving drunk. Powerless - I so totally am!

My XAH is surrounded by other drunks and druggies. They all normalise each other. They support each other and make it all seem "normal" and I am the strange one for NOT pretending their behaviour is normal. I think I may have attended some parties like the one you went to...

bi11fish

[QUOTE=SoWhat;3645316]XAH

So what is my responsibility in this situation?

Let It Begin With Me -
When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help let the hands of AlAnon and Alateen always be there. And let it begin with me.

This the responsibility statement from AlAnon---^

I am a recovered Alcoholic and did not want any help from anyone and would not accept any help offered. I needed to ask for help.

cr995

SoWhat - this is a really difficult position to be in and I really feel for you. I remember years ago my in laws would feed my STBXAH loads of booze and then help him into his car with OUR two kids. At the time I was absolutely tormented - looking back on it now I don't know how I would have forgiven myself if anything had happened to the kids. The relationship with AH I was trying to protect did not survive anyway. I would just say if he drinks he can't drive your kid, and come what may. As for the rest of the world, I reckon you have enough on your plate at the moment - its not your job to keep the roads safe and shame on the cops for letting someone continually drive under the influence.* HUGS *

MTBChick

If I saw him get in a car and drive drunk I would call police alert them to the fact you see someone driving drunk tell the vehicle make and plates they will then pull him over.