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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I'm sorry to be posting again - but I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago, I was on a business trip while AH was watching our children. When a neighbor said that he was reeling drunk down the street, I called the cops and now AH is not allowed to be alone with them without another adult.
He hasn't had a drink since and started going to AA.
But at that time, I told him that I needed space, lots of space. Ideally, I told him that I needed at least six months of space. He was going to do it until he talked to his lawyer who told him that it could get him in trouble in the case of a separation. So, he's been in the house. And I still need space.
I've been asking for as little space as I can hoping that I can have some. He's agreed to go to an extended stay hotel for a week. A week!!! I really doubt that a week will be enough but if it's all I can get, I'll take it. Maybe I should ask for two weeks, but maybe that is not enough? If I ask him and he does it and it ends up not being enough, he's going to call me out on wanting more, saying that nothing that he does is ever good enough for me. Maybe it's not that, maybe its that nothing that he's willing to do is good enough for me.
I could leave, but that would mean uprooting the kids from their home and CERTAINLY getting the lawyers involved because my leaving with the kids could get me into legal trouble.
I'm afraid of them being alone with him eventually. He is not kind. He is selfish and rather an absentee parent. He'll leave them to feed themselves and entertain themselves while he does god know what. They're six!!
So, I'll take my week. But I really want to ask for more. Should I ask for more? I really don't think that a week will fix it.
He hasn't had a drink since and started going to AA.
But at that time, I told him that I needed space, lots of space. Ideally, I told him that I needed at least six months of space. He was going to do it until he talked to his lawyer who told him that it could get him in trouble in the case of a separation. So, he's been in the house. And I still need space.
I've been asking for as little space as I can hoping that I can have some. He's agreed to go to an extended stay hotel for a week. A week!!! I really doubt that a week will be enough but if it's all I can get, I'll take it. Maybe I should ask for two weeks, but maybe that is not enough? If I ask him and he does it and it ends up not being enough, he's going to call me out on wanting more, saying that nothing that he does is ever good enough for me. Maybe it's not that, maybe its that nothing that he's willing to do is good enough for me.
I could leave, but that would mean uprooting the kids from their home and CERTAINLY getting the lawyers involved because my leaving with the kids could get me into legal trouble.
I'm afraid of them being alone with him eventually. He is not kind. He is selfish and rather an absentee parent. He'll leave them to feed themselves and entertain themselves while he does god know what. They're six!!
So, I'll take my week. But I really want to ask for more. Should I ask for more? I really don't think that a week will fix it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Please do not apologize for posting! That is what this forum is for.
I can only suggest that you seek a consultation with a lawyer to find out what the consequences of your actions might be under potential future circumstances.
As far as space, I would take what you can get. If you ask for a month, maybe he will agree to two weeks. But you could drive yourself nuts trying to predict how he will respond to your requests. What's clear is that you need a break from him to sort out who you are with him away. You don't know if a week will be enough. You won't know until it happens. You can figure out your next step THEN. For now, try to just do the next right thing for you. Worry about the rest later!
I can only suggest that you seek a consultation with a lawyer to find out what the consequences of your actions might be under potential future circumstances.
As far as space, I would take what you can get. If you ask for a month, maybe he will agree to two weeks. But you could drive yourself nuts trying to predict how he will respond to your requests. What's clear is that you need a break from him to sort out who you are with him away. You don't know if a week will be enough. You won't know until it happens. You can figure out your next step THEN. For now, try to just do the next right thing for you. Worry about the rest later!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think my first move would be to go see a lawyer and file for separation. While he's out of the house next week. You will probably be able to get a ruling that you and the children get to stay in the house during the separation. That's not uncommon.
I've learned a lot from recovering As. Most of them say it takes (depending on who you ask) 18 months to three years to learn how to live sober after you quit drinking. He's been sober for about a second. Claim all the space you need. You have the right to.
I've learned a lot from recovering As. Most of them say it takes (depending on who you ask) 18 months to three years to learn how to live sober after you quit drinking. He's been sober for about a second. Claim all the space you need. You have the right to.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi Graceland -
Tough spot you are in indeed. I was there last October (all my posts are available for the full story) - my XAH had gotten drunk and smacked my then 3 yr old. I did something I never imagined having to do - I reported him to CPS. I won't get into the details but I will say that in the week that followed, my XAH claimed he would stop drinking... Not for me (of course) but for his kids.
It didn't last. He made it maybe 3 weeks... Don't know because I was too focused on my exit strategy. We went through the same issues. He said he would leave to preserve the kids home life... Then he talked to an attorney and said it'd be a cold day in hell before he leaves and risks losing his kids forever. We spent 2 months in a deadlock over who was staying and who was going.
Meanwhile... He came unravelled. Was drinking a ton. Was bringing women home... While the kids and I were there sleeping!! Up all night being loud - it was bad for me and the kids. I documented along and my attorney finally said, "enough is enough. Get out. Take the kids and get safe." She filed temporary custody and support orders for me. I wish I had done it sooner... Temporary orders were never explained very well to me in the beginning.
Anywho... I was so scared. I took the kids, our dog, rented a little house (980 sf compared to the 3,000 sf house we left behind!!) and reestablished a home. It was amazing how fast the kids adjusted. My XAH lived in the old family home for another 6 months (until it finally sold)... But the kids didn't think of it as "home"... Home was with mommy. Home isn't about a house or stuff... Home is about peace, happiness and SAFETY. Kids NEED to feel safe and secure... That's it.
Leaving at house of horror behind was one of the most healing things I have done for me and my children. My rental house is so cozy... I love it. I love to hear my kids run through the front door after visitation and scream..."aaahh!!! WE ARE HOME!!!!"
Focus on taking care of you... And talk to your attorney.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
Tough spot you are in indeed. I was there last October (all my posts are available for the full story) - my XAH had gotten drunk and smacked my then 3 yr old. I did something I never imagined having to do - I reported him to CPS. I won't get into the details but I will say that in the week that followed, my XAH claimed he would stop drinking... Not for me (of course) but for his kids.
It didn't last. He made it maybe 3 weeks... Don't know because I was too focused on my exit strategy. We went through the same issues. He said he would leave to preserve the kids home life... Then he talked to an attorney and said it'd be a cold day in hell before he leaves and risks losing his kids forever. We spent 2 months in a deadlock over who was staying and who was going.
Meanwhile... He came unravelled. Was drinking a ton. Was bringing women home... While the kids and I were there sleeping!! Up all night being loud - it was bad for me and the kids. I documented along and my attorney finally said, "enough is enough. Get out. Take the kids and get safe." She filed temporary custody and support orders for me. I wish I had done it sooner... Temporary orders were never explained very well to me in the beginning.
Anywho... I was so scared. I took the kids, our dog, rented a little house (980 sf compared to the 3,000 sf house we left behind!!) and reestablished a home. It was amazing how fast the kids adjusted. My XAH lived in the old family home for another 6 months (until it finally sold)... But the kids didn't think of it as "home"... Home was with mommy. Home isn't about a house or stuff... Home is about peace, happiness and SAFETY. Kids NEED to feel safe and secure... That's it.
Leaving at house of horror behind was one of the most healing things I have done for me and my children. My rental house is so cozy... I love it. I love to hear my kids run through the front door after visitation and scream..."aaahh!!! WE ARE HOME!!!!"
Focus on taking care of you... And talk to your attorney.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
Oh wow, Shannon. Thank you so much for sharing this!! My RAH stopped drinking after the incident, but it's still a very bad place for us all to be. Early recovery is no picnic. He's not abusive and he has stopped drinking, but I am talking to my attorney on Monday. We just cannot go along like this.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
The first thing that jumped out at me was how fast HE was in calling a LAWYER!
Yes to all of the above advice, and I love Getting-By's story.
Well done on calling the cops by the way.
I think that shows your willingness to follow instincts and do what needs to be done.
Good luck and stay strong.
Yes to all of the above advice, and I love Getting-By's story.
Well done on calling the cops by the way.
I think that shows your willingness to follow instincts and do what needs to be done.
Good luck and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Sorry you are going through this Graceland. My STBXAH is still in our family home. He was going to leave. Didn't. So I did with my son. When you are living in limbo, it is the worst. After I left it was peaceful. I was tired! Moving s*cks. But, we have peace. We have a smaller space, but we have the dog and peacefulness. Right now, that just feels so good. My AH is selfish and said he would leave, but just dragged it out. If I did not move out, he would have dragged it out forever. Keep talking to your lawyer, stay safe. For me, I had to remember that safe does not just mean nobody is physically hurting us. The emotional and psychological hurt of that limbo was killing me. So, I packed up and left. I did it by reminding myself to take it one day at time, sometimes one minute at a time and in no time I was in my new place. Hang in there. Hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I don't know what the legal implications are, but when my AH relapsed, I kicked him out and had all the locks on the house changed within 48 hours. I could NOT handle the idea of him digging around in the house while I was at work. It's been very peaceful.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Norton, KS
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Graceland 
I'm sorry to be posting again - but I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago, I was on a business trip while AH was watching our children. When a neighbor said that he was reeling drunk down the street, I called the cops and now AH is not allowed to be alone with them without another adult.
He hasn't had a drink since and started going to AA.
But at that time, I told him that I needed space, lots of space. Ideally, I told him that I needed at least six months of space. He was going to do it until he talked to his lawyer who told him that it could get him in trouble in the case of a separation. So, he's been in the house. And I still need space.
I've been asking for as little space as I can hoping that I can have some. He's agreed to go to an extended stay hotel for a week. A week!!! I really doubt that a week will be enough but if it's all I can get, I'll take it. Maybe I should ask for two weeks, but maybe that is not enough? If I ask him and he does it and it ends up not being enough, he's going to call me out on wanting more, saying that nothing that he does is ever good enough for me. Maybe it's not that, maybe its that nothing that he's willing to do is good enough for me.
I could leave, but that would mean uprooting the kids from their home and CERTAINLY getting the lawyers involved because my leaving with the kids could get me into legal trouble.
I'm afraid of them being alone with him eventually. He is not kind. He is selfish and rather an absentee parent. He'll leave them to feed themselves and entertain themselves while he does god know what. They're six!!
So, I'll take my week. But I really want to ask for more. Should I ask for more? I really don't think that a week will fix it.
He hasn't had a drink since and started going to AA.
But at that time, I told him that I needed space, lots of space. Ideally, I told him that I needed at least six months of space. He was going to do it until he talked to his lawyer who told him that it could get him in trouble in the case of a separation. So, he's been in the house. And I still need space.
I've been asking for as little space as I can hoping that I can have some. He's agreed to go to an extended stay hotel for a week. A week!!! I really doubt that a week will be enough but if it's all I can get, I'll take it. Maybe I should ask for two weeks, but maybe that is not enough? If I ask him and he does it and it ends up not being enough, he's going to call me out on wanting more, saying that nothing that he does is ever good enough for me. Maybe it's not that, maybe its that nothing that he's willing to do is good enough for me.
I could leave, but that would mean uprooting the kids from their home and CERTAINLY getting the lawyers involved because my leaving with the kids could get me into legal trouble.
I'm afraid of them being alone with him eventually. He is not kind. He is selfish and rather an absentee parent. He'll leave them to feed themselves and entertain themselves while he does god know what. They're six!!
So, I'll take my week. But I really want to ask for more. Should I ask for more? I really don't think that a week will fix it.
And the big bottom line is: those are your kids, and they depend on a parent to raise them and protect them. Sounds like you may be the only one able to be a parent, so get them away from the hub if he can't be a parent to them.
We all know that these decisions and actions are extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful. Hang in there, one day at a time, keep your eyes on the prize(s): your sanity and your kids' well-being.
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