wkesler

My partner and i have not been together very long, but it was a love at first sight. before we met we talked a lot and we were both very honest about our lives, at the beginning we even decided we were going to remain friends. In the beginning i had an idea that he was an alcoholic but never knew just how bad it was.

we pretty much lived together from day one. we met one night, at a bar, and the next time we met we haven't separated. I sold my apartment and moved in with him. We had a lot of arguments in the beginning, a lot of very harsh and angry arguments where I was always the bad guy, most of these were brought on by drinking and kpin mixing.

Something happened in our lives and things began getting a lot better. All until one day I got a call and he had drank and O/D on medications. His mother and i took him to the ER and he was fine, got pink slipped for 2 days. Once he came home I again thought that all was gonna turn around.

Several months before meeting me he had messed up and gotten his second DUI. He went to court and got put into a weekend program, this did not go well for his already emotional and vulnerable frame. After the program things were up and down, still drinking but more under control than before.

a few days ago I found out that behind my back he had gone on a 5 day kpin and drinking binge. he came clean about this only after he was out of medication. The amount he was taking a day it is the grace of the higher power that he is alive.

7 days ago i got a call that he wanted us to go to an AA meeting. I was completely taken aback by this decision. I am so supportive that he is wanting to clean up, and i thought the hardest part would be over now that he is getting treatment.

I was very seriously wrong. Since AA has started i feel so left on the back burner. I feel like many of the other people i read about on here. AA means more than the spouse.

I am reading a lot on here and it is helping, but i have a tendency to blame everything upon myself. I feel like i am the reason he is upset.

Tonight is what really is making me beg for help. he left to go to a meeting, at 7:30 when the meeting was at 8:30 and got home at 11. he came home not wanting to talk and all i know is that tonight he got a new sponsor and he has trust issues and all of these other things. he continually tells me that this has nothing to do with me, but I CANT HELP BUT BLAME MYSELF!!!

whats the next step? I love him and don't want to end this. i just need to get help like he does.

WishingWell

OK, off to Alanon for you!!

Getting sober will be the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. He needs full support not - and oh how I hate so say the word - codependent behavior.

Others here will have more to say than I, but you need to work on yourself!! It's new so don't feel bad - just start learning about your own behavior!

Pelican

In reality, you were always on the back burner. Alcohol, drugs, and the party scene were always his priority. Now, just like then ~ he was not doing these things to you, but doing them for himself. You are not his victim. By removing the feeling of being a victim of his choices you can begin to accept your part in this ~ and begin to focus on your own recovery.

Can I ask what your drinking/drugging habits are? I ask because you met at a bar, and your arguments were often after drinking.

I was married to an active alcoholic, and I decided to join him in his alcohol centered world.

I needed to get help for myself.
I discovered this website to help with my alcohol addiction, I also began attending Alanon meetings, and I read self-improvement books like "Codependent No More".

I didn't arrive in that situation overnight, and it took a lot of work to get myself out of that unhealthy situation.

Today, pick one thing you can do to begin taking care of yourself. You are worth the effort!

wkesler

I am neither A or attic. I would drink socially and before I met him I guess I was single and drinking a lot but often, when he was drinking, I would go to the bar with him and have maybe a beer or two. I could stop anytime and as soon as he said he was starting AA I stopped drinking.

I do have a history of codependency and I guess I didn't realize I was back in the habit until I heard it. You are right that none of this has to do with me. And he made that point very clear to me. But I feel as though most of the time our relationship is one sided. I do all the house work and he does all the emotional work. He gets angry at anything in the world and I become the punching bag.

Due to my work schedule I am not very redily avalable to go to meetings very often but this weekend I intend on going to at least one. Because although I am not an A I must put it out that I've finished step one an two. My life is unmanageable. I need help.

Tuffgirl

Step 1 is a great place to start. Do try some Al-Anon meetings. Our steps are the same as AA, and it may help you understand the AA program better.

Here's what I know about early sobriety. It's a b*tch. The roller coaster you've been on already continues, only it takes some new twists and turns. There are no guarantees, either. Expect a few slips, possibly a full on relapse or two. Then you won't be surprised if they happen.

But it can be done, if you decide and he is willing to hang in there. It really does depend on you though. There is always the option of ending this relationship for now, knowing if it is meant to be, in the future, it will be again. But for now, he does need to make sobriety his first and foremost focus.

wkesler

I agree this does need to be his priority. Today I am at work from 8a-9:30p he is going to a meeting an I asked him to pick up an alanon meeting schedule for me so I could begin getting help and he blew up at me that I need to do everything on my own and told me that he can't handle my drama today. When all I did was ask for a schedule.

I feel like he is pushing me away making Him self a victim in our relationship and doesn't want to be the bad guy that tells me to leave.

Am I over thinking all of this?

Tuffgirl

Possibly. It probably isn't about you at all. He's probably just angry at the world, and you are an easy target.

Try this: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

And for now, stop expecting anything from him. If you can't do that, then consider a separation until you are both in a better place, as continuing down this road is destructive to you both.