Sexuality in RA's- lack of libido- is this typical?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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If he is not in recovery that has its own issues I don't have to tell you about.
Curious though that while not in recovery that sexually problems are still there.
I suspect mine has been relapsed for about a month and I am not seeing any change there which is the least of my worries. I am glad about that honestly - When we come to blows over him picking up again I don't want him to be able to say ONE good thing about it.
One thing to note mine is bi-polar as well - undiagnosed until last year. Common to find that unbelievable risky high sex drive and promiscuity in bi-polars later to die off in life. Combined with sobriety hmmmm.
Anyway - as you are writing about him I assume there is still something there for you even though you are apart.
This issue really bothered me the first 6 months we were together. mostly because i thought there was something wrong with me and that he wasn't attracted to me. - never had the experience of a man with no sex drive. We did talk about it quite a bit. I backed off completely because focusing on it was making it worse for both of us.
It doesn't bother me now, I accepted it - it was either break up over not getting laid or find a way. What I found was a man who adores me, one who is very affectionate, tells me he loves me 20 times a day, tells me I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, loves my company, supports me in anything I want to do. I am his number 1 and he never lets me forget it .....and when i need it - he does indulge me. Yeah sometimes I miss spontanaity, or spending the day in bed, but not as much as I thought I would.
And one thing he has promised me is faithfulness - well. The fact that he has no sex drive does help back that up lol - I have tendencies to choose players. Its nice that those issues don't exist in this relationship. It is workable should you and yours make a go again.
Curious though that while not in recovery that sexually problems are still there.
I suspect mine has been relapsed for about a month and I am not seeing any change there which is the least of my worries. I am glad about that honestly - When we come to blows over him picking up again I don't want him to be able to say ONE good thing about it.
One thing to note mine is bi-polar as well - undiagnosed until last year. Common to find that unbelievable risky high sex drive and promiscuity in bi-polars later to die off in life. Combined with sobriety hmmmm.
Anyway - as you are writing about him I assume there is still something there for you even though you are apart.
This issue really bothered me the first 6 months we were together. mostly because i thought there was something wrong with me and that he wasn't attracted to me. - never had the experience of a man with no sex drive. We did talk about it quite a bit. I backed off completely because focusing on it was making it worse for both of us.
It doesn't bother me now, I accepted it - it was either break up over not getting laid or find a way. What I found was a man who adores me, one who is very affectionate, tells me he loves me 20 times a day, tells me I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, loves my company, supports me in anything I want to do. I am his number 1 and he never lets me forget it .....and when i need it - he does indulge me. Yeah sometimes I miss spontanaity, or spending the day in bed, but not as much as I thought I would.
And one thing he has promised me is faithfulness - well. The fact that he has no sex drive does help back that up lol - I have tendencies to choose players. Its nice that those issues don't exist in this relationship. It is workable should you and yours make a go again.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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There's also a simpler aspect of this. The brain is the largest sex organ in the body. Say someone gets off on something in particular. Say they do that for a long time. The brain develops a pattern (or even a fetish). Take that away from the brain during foreplay and beyond. What's going to happen to the brain and down there?
The alcoholic has been doing it with the alcohol for years, or not doing it at all because of the alcohol intake. Take away the alcohol. What should one expect?
The alcoholic has been doing it with the alcohol for years, or not doing it at all because of the alcohol intake. Take away the alcohol. What should one expect?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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ah....i will have to winnow through my thoughts on this one red, becos i am only JUST fiding out what addiction, is, does etc. in short reply, he was he says heavy A for 12 years,- occupaitonal hazard for 30. sober supposedly for 4 years. has i suspect been a tear arse all his days lol. i dont think i'd have liked him much then- hey hey, bad news.
so sober for 4 years, but using weed heavily every day- with all its attendant woes. i had NO IDEA of what this means to a RA or an addict. any way, so the sex thing is aspected by not drinking, the weed creating its own issues, and me being a total unknowing blank slate. no one could tell me much...and he is in a kind of denial- cos sober he mght be, but not clean. i saw him RAVAGE painkillers when he had a toothache. and more then once he spoke to me on the phone and i could not understand what he was saying his speech was so slurred. it freaked me out actually, it was like talking to someone else. he put it down to 'being tired'. so, he well may have relapsed while i knew him. he acted so hard core ANTI alcohol that it did not occur to me that he might still DO IT and hide it. Sorry, but i'm blank and i dont know the game or the territory.
anyway must go, more later, and thanks red and titanic. x
so sober for 4 years, but using weed heavily every day- with all its attendant woes. i had NO IDEA of what this means to a RA or an addict. any way, so the sex thing is aspected by not drinking, the weed creating its own issues, and me being a total unknowing blank slate. no one could tell me much...and he is in a kind of denial- cos sober he mght be, but not clean. i saw him RAVAGE painkillers when he had a toothache. and more then once he spoke to me on the phone and i could not understand what he was saying his speech was so slurred. it freaked me out actually, it was like talking to someone else. he put it down to 'being tired'. so, he well may have relapsed while i knew him. he acted so hard core ANTI alcohol that it did not occur to me that he might still DO IT and hide it. Sorry, but i'm blank and i dont know the game or the territory.
anyway must go, more later, and thanks red and titanic. x
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hmm. i wonder. i never got to ask....all i got was to see thru a..umm.glass...very darkly...pardon the pun. the confusion was overwhelming. as i read posts and talk to everyone here it helps diminish the bewilderment. THANK YOU.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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he started talking months ago about how he thought he could socially drink again. if I knew more about alcoholism I would have known what a red flag that was. I thought he was just spouting off.
In May he picked a fight with me so he could go to a party by himself. I found a receipt in the car where he had bought vodka. He denied it for himself rather to bring to the party - that he bought it in itself was out of character he previously would not purchase alcohol. He seemed drunk that night deny, deny deny. Then nothing all summer.
About a month ago he came by my work and smelled like alcohol. I mentioned it. He denied. We followed each other home but he got here first. i went straight to the bathroom and felt his toothbrush and sure enough it was wet and he smelled like mouthwash. That was when I knew.
He started going in and out of our bedroom at night when we would be watching tv. Stupid reasons, looking for this or that and obviously getting tipsy. I would go to kiss him he would turn his head. Suck in his breath. He is very affectionate normally and during these times he won't hug or kiss me and if I reach for him he goes stiff as a board. Same behavior 3 nights ago he was sitting and I bent to kiss him before he knew I was there - yep could smell it.
His behavior changes for the better when he is drinking and that is the biggest red flag. Happy go lucky, singing, laughing, giddy, I think he would skip if there were room in our condo. That won't last I know nasty and beligerant is around the corner.
There are other instances and situations but you get the picture. When you live with someone you know their bathroom habits - when habits change something is up never mind the evidence of smelling like alcohol.
Not looking for his bottles. Not stepping on that crazy train. I did for a day running into the bedroom when he was in the bathroom and such. No point in that its just a game. Won't stop him from drinking anyway.
In May he picked a fight with me so he could go to a party by himself. I found a receipt in the car where he had bought vodka. He denied it for himself rather to bring to the party - that he bought it in itself was out of character he previously would not purchase alcohol. He seemed drunk that night deny, deny deny. Then nothing all summer.
About a month ago he came by my work and smelled like alcohol. I mentioned it. He denied. We followed each other home but he got here first. i went straight to the bathroom and felt his toothbrush and sure enough it was wet and he smelled like mouthwash. That was when I knew.
He started going in and out of our bedroom at night when we would be watching tv. Stupid reasons, looking for this or that and obviously getting tipsy. I would go to kiss him he would turn his head. Suck in his breath. He is very affectionate normally and during these times he won't hug or kiss me and if I reach for him he goes stiff as a board. Same behavior 3 nights ago he was sitting and I bent to kiss him before he knew I was there - yep could smell it.
His behavior changes for the better when he is drinking and that is the biggest red flag. Happy go lucky, singing, laughing, giddy, I think he would skip if there were room in our condo. That won't last I know nasty and beligerant is around the corner.
There are other instances and situations but you get the picture. When you live with someone you know their bathroom habits - when habits change something is up never mind the evidence of smelling like alcohol.
Not looking for his bottles. Not stepping on that crazy train. I did for a day running into the bedroom when he was in the bathroom and such. No point in that its just a game. Won't stop him from drinking anyway.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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ah red, thank you. ive been reading so many threads here, that im kind of exhausted. ive learned so much. my ex bf send me a picture yesterday out of the blue. it made me think all about him again. i wrote to him and gave him an update on my life. no reply. he just plays with me. i asked him how he was, i genuinely want to know- no reply. i think i won't respond the next time. its too painful. reading your thread makes me really sad. for me, it was the distancing and the ******** that was hard to take. he kept me in the dark about so many things. he has left me a different person to what i was when i met him. i dont think i will EVER take another person at their word/ face value again. i dont know how it is that I dont hate him, i wonder if that is a result of the manipluaiton- ie making me feel sorry for him, when in fact he was abusing the truth, and me. i wonder if his only interest in me was to findsomeone who would look after him, and when i didnt seem to be putting up my hand for that role, my usefulness was done. i asked him point blank if that was the case, of course he said no. its probably worth another thread- ie, do users use people, or attempt to spin unsuspecting people into their lives so they will have a feather bed to fall on when the last rescuer kicks them out? red, i'm so sorry, you sound like a great person to me. i'm sending you all my best that things work out for you.
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I wish I could say I am doing ok but I am not. This relapse is just the cherry on the Sundae, while he has been sober most of our relationship, he has also been very verbally abusive at times in our relationship and I have put up with it under the guise that "he has had such a hard life" and a "dysfuntional family".
That should have been my clue from the get go - I watch his parents and how they treat each other and its disgusting. He thinks its disgusting yet HE DOES IT TO ME.
Yes he is trying to make you feel sorry for him. Yes he is looking for someone to take care of him. Addicts and Alcoholics need caretakers. Its not love. They say and do whatever it takes to make sure they are taken care of throwing you (or I) a bone here and there to keep us hooked.
Not all people are like these people kindness, you aren't I am not. So pleasae don't let your ex's actions bitter you that everyone is like this. They just aren't.
I am sorry he is playing with you the way that he is.
My thread is sad, it is very sad for every person on here to be in our situations.
We all deserve better and I am working my butt off going to al anon to figure out why I put up with this sh** and how I am going to put an end to it.
That should have been my clue from the get go - I watch his parents and how they treat each other and its disgusting. He thinks its disgusting yet HE DOES IT TO ME.
Yes he is trying to make you feel sorry for him. Yes he is looking for someone to take care of him. Addicts and Alcoholics need caretakers. Its not love. They say and do whatever it takes to make sure they are taken care of throwing you (or I) a bone here and there to keep us hooked.
Not all people are like these people kindness, you aren't I am not. So pleasae don't let your ex's actions bitter you that everyone is like this. They just aren't.
I am sorry he is playing with you the way that he is.
My thread is sad, it is very sad for every person on here to be in our situations.
We all deserve better and I am working my butt off going to al anon to figure out why I put up with this sh** and how I am going to put an end to it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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ah, hey red i'm so glad you posted.
i find despite not wanting to i need support while i process this.
i actually feel sicker as the pennies keep dropping.
i feel like ive been poisoned . and im trying to get it worked out of my system.
yes same same, he told me endlessly about his terrible life, his terrible ex etc etc and he shortly began to be critical of me- which was breathtaking since i seemed to be the only person around for him at the time and helped him so much, and had never done a wrong thing by him EVER.
anyway, i do feel kind of sick about it. it occurs to me that as some idea things are wrong begins to dawn on us we maybe cant bear to think THAT about the person we know. its too awful.
i really worked with what i SAW and what happened rather than what he said.
yet the words clearly have their effect. he begged me to be his friend, that he would regret to his deathbed etc etc that we weren't together, yet he doesnt act like a friend at all. these realities are hard to take, arent they? really hard.
we dont need horror movies, weve got these kinds of vampires around. in do feel sick over it all. in my case its i guess the wittingness of it on his part. its just rotten. wishing the best to you although i dont know what to say.i prayed for my ex every day and each night. i believed in him. tonight i will pray for myself and you too and the rest of us who are in this quagmire. a big jolly pickle all together. Humour helps me to rise above it a bit otherwise it makes me too sad and too sick. Heres to all of us, everyone getting better :-) x
i find despite not wanting to i need support while i process this.
i actually feel sicker as the pennies keep dropping.
i feel like ive been poisoned . and im trying to get it worked out of my system.
yes same same, he told me endlessly about his terrible life, his terrible ex etc etc and he shortly began to be critical of me- which was breathtaking since i seemed to be the only person around for him at the time and helped him so much, and had never done a wrong thing by him EVER.
anyway, i do feel kind of sick about it. it occurs to me that as some idea things are wrong begins to dawn on us we maybe cant bear to think THAT about the person we know. its too awful.
i really worked with what i SAW and what happened rather than what he said.
yet the words clearly have their effect. he begged me to be his friend, that he would regret to his deathbed etc etc that we weren't together, yet he doesnt act like a friend at all. these realities are hard to take, arent they? really hard.
we dont need horror movies, weve got these kinds of vampires around. in do feel sick over it all. in my case its i guess the wittingness of it on his part. its just rotten. wishing the best to you although i dont know what to say.i prayed for my ex every day and each night. i believed in him. tonight i will pray for myself and you too and the rest of us who are in this quagmire. a big jolly pickle all together. Humour helps me to rise above it a bit otherwise it makes me too sad and too sick. Heres to all of us, everyone getting better :-) x
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Kindness, when it comes to our romantic relationships with As, I think what we do is this:
We let our feelings of what OUR love is, what WE would do for the one we love, what OUR love values are, and what OUR choices would be in a loving relationship PROJECT onto the one we love. Sure we have differences. But, "we ARE in love" - that is a sure, basic thing we assume WE have in common. We believe that OUR love = THEIR love, that it is one and the same.
Unfortunately, it is not. 
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Location: MA
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I've been sober for about 80 days or so, and this happens to me. Specifically, when we start to get intimate, I start having very bad anxiety. My heart races and I feel like I can't breath. Also, it takes about an hour for that feeling to go away. I am also on Zoloft which may be contributing... I don't know. Anyway, my psychiatrist prescribed me Welbutrin, to take an hour or two before we want to have sex. I have yet to try it, as this was just a couple of days ago. He also suggested a Magnesium supplement a couple of hours before, as it has a calming effect. Many people get lightheaded and dizzy when they're anxious, so maybe it's the same kinda thing?
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ya know titanic i did ask those questions of myself and him, and i got remonstrations and professions of love. i think he meant it. witting, unwitting, conscious, unconscious, it is like a ghost trying to lift a flagstone or a vampire, looking desperately in the mirror, and manifesting no corporeal reflection. i think it was real real real in his mind. he could not make it real in reality. sooooo sad. and SUCH a haunting experience.
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