Has anyone given up on relationships?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Has anyone given up on relationships?
Hi
I was just wondering if anyone out there has given up on relationships... I swear I am so tired of getting involved with people who do nothing but make me feel anxious and ill. Now that I realize I have this codependency problem it makes more sense...
I always thought I might want to get remarried someday but looking back on the last 5 years, I have wasted so much time trying to meet the needs of people who didn't even make me that happy, just so I didn't have to be lonely. All of a sudden loneliness is not looking that bad.
Thoughts?
I was just wondering if anyone out there has given up on relationships... I swear I am so tired of getting involved with people who do nothing but make me feel anxious and ill. Now that I realize I have this codependency problem it makes more sense...
I always thought I might want to get remarried someday but looking back on the last 5 years, I have wasted so much time trying to meet the needs of people who didn't even make me that happy, just so I didn't have to be lonely. All of a sudden loneliness is not looking that bad.
Thoughts?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
I have. It doesn't have anything to do with drinking, though. I'm just tired of putting up with other people. 
I love living alone. My youngest daughter moved out late last year and I have loved having my home to myself and my furbabies. I have no desire to bring a man into my life.
I love living alone. My youngest daughter moved out late last year and I have loved having my home to myself and my furbabies. I have no desire to bring a man into my life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am alone, yet not lonely. The thing about it is that one can be in a room with 100 people and still feel alone...it is an inside job, an inner peace. No one else can make you happy except you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
We are in the same place Ziggy. I started thinking the same thing yesterday. This was, I think, my 9th relationship and none of them ever worked. I do not have the patience or the tolerance for the BS that comes with them and it just hurts so much when they end.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
I think I have just come to that conclusion. A few of my significant relationships prior to being married were faulty to put it mildly. I lost a lot of weight right after I moved out. When I started getting attention and getting asked out by men, I went into complete panic mode immediately and started gaining the weight back on to cushion myself from the unwanted attention.
I figured that out after much introspection. I am now trying to lose the weight for myself esteem and for my health. I understand that now that just because a man is interested doesn't mean I have to be polite and accept their invitation. It is OK to say no. Until I understand how to enforce boundaries for myself better, I am too afraid of what I might invite in! Good looking with a whole lot of issues seems to be my taste. I want to just focus on myself and my kids for a while.
I figured that out after much introspection. I am now trying to lose the weight for myself esteem and for my health. I understand that now that just because a man is interested doesn't mean I have to be polite and accept their invitation. It is OK to say no. Until I understand how to enforce boundaries for myself better, I am too afraid of what I might invite in! Good looking with a whole lot of issues seems to be my taste. I want to just focus on myself and my kids for a while.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I also live alone but am not lonely.
Raised 3 daughter into productive adulthood.
I have been single for over 16 years. ( and i cannot believe it's been that long)
In those 16 years I did have two relationships, one cancelled our wedding five days before it was to take place, one with a very troubled alcoholic.
Presently, I am spending time with a very interesting man. Do I want this situation to evolve? I honestly cannot answer that question today. I have the best of both worlds, he travels extensively so we spend quality time, not quantity time together.
There is something wonderful about being ok with myself. I've made my own living, I can certainly provide for myself, life is rather grand these days. I come and go as I please, eat what I want, when I want. If I want to take a mini trip, or go to a concert, or just get in the car and drive away for the weekend, I can..... I can always find 3 or 4 grandbabies who want to come over and play, and trash my house and sleep in my bed . For over 30 years I always had to put others first. It's just refreshing getting to know myself again and reconnecting with so many friends that are now also empty nesters. I can actually say i am having the time of my life at 50 !!!!
Ziggy, I think it's a wonderful idea to just concentrate on yourself for a bit. I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised at what you learn about yourself.
Raised 3 daughter into productive adulthood.
I have been single for over 16 years. ( and i cannot believe it's been that long)
In those 16 years I did have two relationships, one cancelled our wedding five days before it was to take place, one with a very troubled alcoholic.
Presently, I am spending time with a very interesting man. Do I want this situation to evolve? I honestly cannot answer that question today. I have the best of both worlds, he travels extensively so we spend quality time, not quantity time together.
There is something wonderful about being ok with myself. I've made my own living, I can certainly provide for myself, life is rather grand these days. I come and go as I please, eat what I want, when I want. If I want to take a mini trip, or go to a concert, or just get in the car and drive away for the weekend, I can..... I can always find 3 or 4 grandbabies who want to come over and play, and trash my house and sleep in my bed . For over 30 years I always had to put others first. It's just refreshing getting to know myself again and reconnecting with so many friends that are now also empty nesters. I can actually say i am having the time of my life at 50 !!!!
Ziggy, I think it's a wonderful idea to just concentrate on yourself for a bit. I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised at what you learn about yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Lubbock, Tx
Posts: 9
I have had 3 addicted men in my life. My first husband of 16 years. I was 18 when we met I didn't know any better. I had done 12 steps for wives of addicts after our divorce and still chose another addict and married him. He was mean to me and my oldest son so I divorced him. I just broke off a relationship with another addict who promised he was done with alcohol forever yet chose to go back to his addiction. I am strong enough now to break off the relationships when they are unhealthy, but still have a long way to go to stay away from unhealthy relationships. I'm so codependent I should be the billboard commercial. I need to not have any relationship til I am healthy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm 56. Was married for over 26 years. Yes I give up. I don't want any more relationships. I have a few friends that I trust. Family that I don't trust. I couldn't deal with another relationship. I am lonely. So I took care of that. I got 2 furbabies on Sunday. They now complete my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Funny, I was just thinking about this very issue today. I've been in a relationship for just over a year and overall it's going quite well. He's one of those people I've only heard about before now--a normie--who looks at something that isn't working and just stops doing it. For good. Weird, I know. 
He's not perfect by any stretch, but his issues are different from mine, which works well.
We see each other on the weekends and talk each day during the week. We do things with our families, my kids, the friends we each have. But he also has his life, I have mine. The interesting thing is that now we've been dating for over a year, so talking about all the things we'd like to do this winter, or next spring, etc., begins to bring up questions about where things might be going. I'm pretty happy with this configuration and yet the question comes up. The questions are internal at the moment because I just don't know how I feel about bringing our lives closer together. Yet.
I'm reminding myself that it's one day at a time--which applies to being in a relationship or being single. Right now I feel like I have the best of both worlds...my goal is to feel the same way whether or not I'm living with someone (other than my teens) or not. I suppose that will be one measure of recovery for me: feeling separate enough for my own life, while sharing it with someone else on a daily basis.
I'm not there yet, but it's a good goal...
posie
He's not perfect by any stretch, but his issues are different from mine, which works well. We see each other on the weekends and talk each day during the week. We do things with our families, my kids, the friends we each have. But he also has his life, I have mine. The interesting thing is that now we've been dating for over a year, so talking about all the things we'd like to do this winter, or next spring, etc., begins to bring up questions about where things might be going. I'm pretty happy with this configuration and yet the question comes up. The questions are internal at the moment because I just don't know how I feel about bringing our lives closer together. Yet.
I'm reminding myself that it's one day at a time--which applies to being in a relationship or being single. Right now I feel like I have the best of both worlds...my goal is to feel the same way whether or not I'm living with someone (other than my teens) or not. I suppose that will be one measure of recovery for me: feeling separate enough for my own life, while sharing it with someone else on a daily basis.
I'm not there yet, but it's a good goal...
posie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
After a dysfunctional marriage and a long term relationship with an alcoholic, the only man I want in my life is with me now-he has 4 legs, he snores, farts, burps, hogs the bed, demands dinner at 5pm, why would I need a 2 legged man around??
Seriously, I'm done with relationships. I live by myself but am not lonely - I have my Al-Anon friends, other friends, great neighbours,a job I love, I live in a beautiful city-I think I finally found my serenity after being either in a long term relationship or married since my early 30's (I'm in my mid-50's now). The really great thing about being on my own-I really do like myself, which is a long way from where I was a few short years ago.
Seriously, I'm done with relationships. I live by myself but am not lonely - I have my Al-Anon friends, other friends, great neighbours,a job I love, I live in a beautiful city-I think I finally found my serenity after being either in a long term relationship or married since my early 30's (I'm in my mid-50's now). The really great thing about being on my own-I really do like myself, which is a long way from where I was a few short years ago.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Well,
I have had both a wonderful life and wife, and now after spending the last 15 years of a 40 year marriage as alcoholics, my getting sober two years ago has become a real threat. All I hear about now after a few drinks is why don't I go talk to my friends on the internet? No going back to drinking to make her feel more secure, that is for sure. But having had a great marriage and life, I don't think I could find anybody that could replace her. She at her best, is a tough standard to come close to, in my heart anyway. So despite not being good at alone, I'll have to learn. Maybe I'll be OK after awhile, maybe not. But no, no more for me because I had a once in a lifetime happily almost ever after. That is something anyway.
I have had both a wonderful life and wife, and now after spending the last 15 years of a 40 year marriage as alcoholics, my getting sober two years ago has become a real threat. All I hear about now after a few drinks is why don't I go talk to my friends on the internet? No going back to drinking to make her feel more secure, that is for sure. But having had a great marriage and life, I don't think I could find anybody that could replace her. She at her best, is a tough standard to come close to, in my heart anyway. So despite not being good at alone, I'll have to learn. Maybe I'll be OK after awhile, maybe not. But no, no more for me because I had a once in a lifetime happily almost ever after. That is something anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Linkmeister 
After a dysfunctional marriage and a long term relationship with an alcoholic, the only man I want in my life is with me now-he has 4 legs, he snores, farts, burps, hogs the bed, demands dinner at 5pm, why would I need a 2 legged man around??
Seriously, I'm done with relationships. I live by myself but am not lonely - I have my Al-Anon friends, other friends, great neighbours,a job I love, I live in a beautiful city-I think I finally found my serenity after being either in a long term relationship or married since my early 30's (I'm in my mid-50's now). The really great thing about being on my own-I really do like myself, which is a long way from where I was a few short years ago.
Seriously, I'm done with relationships. I live by myself but am not lonely - I have my Al-Anon friends, other friends, great neighbours,a job I love, I live in a beautiful city-I think I finally found my serenity after being either in a long term relationship or married since my early 30's (I'm in my mid-50's now). The really great thing about being on my own-I really do like myself, which is a long way from where I was a few short years ago.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Well, before I divorced, I was dead set on never, ever, ever getting into a relationship again. I was dead set on living alone, focusing only on my kids, my hobbies, my friends, and that's IT.
Life threw me a curve ball and one of my oldest friends became the new man in my life. Didn't see that coming. Didn't plan for it. But it happened. And it's good.
So I would say -- don't rule anything out. I think I said this recently in another post -- someone told me that I shouldn't start looking until I'm totally happy being alone, happy with myself. And when you are happy with yourself, you don't go looking. And that's when you meet people who can meet you on the same level. You'll attract healthy people when you're healthy.
Besides -- relationships don't have to be marriage or living together for eternity. A poster here who I miss dearly used to say that she's in a great relationship, but she doesn't intend to stay in it if it stops being great. That the day it's no longer working for the both of them, she'll move on.
But mainly -- I'd say never say never. Become yourself. Build the house that is you. Then furnish it like you want it. And then invite only the people in that you want in your life. Maybe you will want someone to stay, maybe not.
Life threw me a curve ball and one of my oldest friends became the new man in my life. Didn't see that coming. Didn't plan for it. But it happened. And it's good.
So I would say -- don't rule anything out. I think I said this recently in another post -- someone told me that I shouldn't start looking until I'm totally happy being alone, happy with myself. And when you are happy with yourself, you don't go looking. And that's when you meet people who can meet you on the same level. You'll attract healthy people when you're healthy.
Besides -- relationships don't have to be marriage or living together for eternity. A poster here who I miss dearly used to say that she's in a great relationship, but she doesn't intend to stay in it if it stops being great. That the day it's no longer working for the both of them, she'll move on.
But mainly -- I'd say never say never. Become yourself. Build the house that is you. Then furnish it like you want it. And then invite only the people in that you want in your life. Maybe you will want someone to stay, maybe not.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I don't want to ever say I've given up on anything.
I've certainly taken a step back to look at myself and who I've been and who I want to be.
I'm not ready for a full-blown relationship that is all consuming and takes over my every minute. (That's a definite left-over from the R with the xabf).
But, this is my life. I want to enjoy it. I've made some not-so-good choices when it's come to men, but I've changed my outlook. I've changed my thought patterns. I've changed my opinion of myself and what I feel I deserve and most importantly what I NEED.
No more chasing. No more accepting less than what I deserve. A man needs to step up to the plate and do what I NEED. And, I will gladly return what I can to him. But, it's got to be a two way street. It's time to be strong and learn to ask for what I need and stop believing that sacrifice is part of being a woman.
I watch gf's who don't think twice about turning away a guy that isn't right for them. I'm trying to understand that, working on my own self esteem every day so that I can be strong enough to do that too. I have a tendency to latch on to someone because they like ME...but what about what I like?? Yes, time to turn that around.
So, I haven't given up totally on a relationship at some point in the future. I believe with all my heart that I was given this R with an A to enlighten me. To see who I've been and to change what needs to be changed. I know that a real true, loving, happy, normal, relationship is in my future. And, when I'm ready it will come to me.
But, until then, I'm living my life. I'm hanging with gf's. I've gotten a part time job so I'm out and about. I'm working on me and spending time with my kids. I've got a few guys who are interested and I'm okay with that. Because now I'm coming from a different place. It's no longer about settling because they "like me". Now, its about what do I need in my life and does having this person complement it and make me feel good. To others that sounds selfish, but I don't care. I will not let myself be treated like what I have just been through ever again.
I've certainly taken a step back to look at myself and who I've been and who I want to be.
I'm not ready for a full-blown relationship that is all consuming and takes over my every minute. (That's a definite left-over from the R with the xabf).
But, this is my life. I want to enjoy it. I've made some not-so-good choices when it's come to men, but I've changed my outlook. I've changed my thought patterns. I've changed my opinion of myself and what I feel I deserve and most importantly what I NEED.
No more chasing. No more accepting less than what I deserve. A man needs to step up to the plate and do what I NEED. And, I will gladly return what I can to him. But, it's got to be a two way street. It's time to be strong and learn to ask for what I need and stop believing that sacrifice is part of being a woman.
I watch gf's who don't think twice about turning away a guy that isn't right for them. I'm trying to understand that, working on my own self esteem every day so that I can be strong enough to do that too. I have a tendency to latch on to someone because they like ME...but what about what I like?? Yes, time to turn that around.
So, I haven't given up totally on a relationship at some point in the future. I believe with all my heart that I was given this R with an A to enlighten me. To see who I've been and to change what needs to be changed. I know that a real true, loving, happy, normal, relationship is in my future. And, when I'm ready it will come to me.
But, until then, I'm living my life. I'm hanging with gf's. I've gotten a part time job so I'm out and about. I'm working on me and spending time with my kids. I've got a few guys who are interested and I'm okay with that. Because now I'm coming from a different place. It's no longer about settling because they "like me". Now, its about what do I need in my life and does having this person complement it and make me feel good. To others that sounds selfish, but I don't care. I will not let myself be treated like what I have just been through ever again.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Great post itsmylifenow!
We also want to make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far the other way. We want balance. We want to fulfill our own needs and feel good ourselves first and, if we choose to, have a relationship in which both are tuned in to and complementarily caring about each other.
We also want to make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far the other way. We want balance. We want to fulfill our own needs and feel good ourselves first and, if we choose to, have a relationship in which both are tuned in to and complementarily caring about each other.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
