He's a true closet drinker - I don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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He's a true closet drinker - I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend is a closet drinker - he hides his vodka in Seltzer water bottles, and is pretty good at hiding it.
We went out for 1 & 1/2 years before I found out he was an alcoholic. The worst part was all the lying. He knew he was an alcoholic - had gone through an after-work rehab program years ago, but would drink with me. Always in moderation, never a lot and never drunk.
His daughter once said he was an alcoholic to my daughter, but when I asked him about it, asked why she would say it, and if there was a time in the past when maybe he was drinking a lot or something - he just denied it and let me believe she made it up to get attention ... and then one day I found the first Seltzer water bottle filled with vodka.
After that he admitted it and told me all about it. Then he went to AA, and hasn't drunk around me since ... but there were still signs, little things that kept me suspicious. There were too long trips to the store to pick up a few things, too many errands a week, thinking I smelled alcohol on him - and the lies.
He lies to make things look better than they are, to explain away things, to avoid confrontation ...
But, while these were suspicious, he could explain them away. But things just didn't add up: why he didn't have more money than he did, inability to make plans, getting overwhelmed, frustrated by things that didn't seem that big - cranky, irritable at night ...
Saturday I finally found proof that I wasn't imaging things - two empty Seltzer water bottles in the recycling that smelled like alcohol - one even had a little left in it that I tasted.
We've been together for almost three years, and he's really sweet - but I don't want to turn into his mother, having to make all the decisions for him - he doesn't seem to have much ambition although he does have a job).
We're not married or engaged, should I just give up now. I think I can help him, but don't know if I really can - can he quit drinking? And, how will I know if he really does ... and how can I learn to trust him again?
We went out for 1 & 1/2 years before I found out he was an alcoholic. The worst part was all the lying. He knew he was an alcoholic - had gone through an after-work rehab program years ago, but would drink with me. Always in moderation, never a lot and never drunk.
His daughter once said he was an alcoholic to my daughter, but when I asked him about it, asked why she would say it, and if there was a time in the past when maybe he was drinking a lot or something - he just denied it and let me believe she made it up to get attention ... and then one day I found the first Seltzer water bottle filled with vodka.
After that he admitted it and told me all about it. Then he went to AA, and hasn't drunk around me since ... but there were still signs, little things that kept me suspicious. There were too long trips to the store to pick up a few things, too many errands a week, thinking I smelled alcohol on him - and the lies.
He lies to make things look better than they are, to explain away things, to avoid confrontation ...
But, while these were suspicious, he could explain them away. But things just didn't add up: why he didn't have more money than he did, inability to make plans, getting overwhelmed, frustrated by things that didn't seem that big - cranky, irritable at night ...
Saturday I finally found proof that I wasn't imaging things - two empty Seltzer water bottles in the recycling that smelled like alcohol - one even had a little left in it that I tasted.
We've been together for almost three years, and he's really sweet - but I don't want to turn into his mother, having to make all the decisions for him - he doesn't seem to have much ambition although he does have a job).
We're not married or engaged, should I just give up now. I think I can help him, but don't know if I really can - can he quit drinking? And, how will I know if he really does ... and how can I learn to trust him again?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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He CAN quit drinking, but he must decide that he wants to. And there is really nothing you can do to make that happen. You can either stay and accept him exactly as he is, or let go and move on. Either way, you should read more posts on this forum to get an idea of the kind of experiences people have with similar questions and situations -- don't worry, it won't be long before you read something that you yourself could have written.
You're not alone, and you've come to the right place. If you keep your mind and your heart open to the stories you will read here, you will eventually be able to decide what is best for you. And I do mean YOU, not him, and not you&him.
You're not alone, and you've come to the right place. If you keep your mind and your heart open to the stories you will read here, you will eventually be able to decide what is best for you. And I do mean YOU, not him, and not you&him.
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
This post here on SR really helped me. Welcome to SR.
This post here on SR really helped me. Welcome to SR.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Thanks - sometimes I wonder if it's really that bad. I went to an AA meeting with him, and everyone there was talking about heavy drinking, getting drunk, and so many other destructive behaviors that he didn't seem to have. It's so surreal, but I know he's a true alcoholic because he hides it and drinks alone ... but it was so hard to match his alcoholism with all the stories I had heard. Even when he seems honest, to be telling me about his experience - I know there's is still more that's being left out.
His ex-wife and he hid it from family and friends - very few know. I think this is a mistake ... do you agree. I know his father knows, and told him this past weekend that his son was still drinking and that I was worried about him. I want to tell the rest of his family, and his best friends. I thought this would make it harder to hide, and maybe get rid of some of the lies ...
His ex-wife and he hid it from family and friends - very few know. I think this is a mistake ... do you agree. I know his father knows, and told him this past weekend that his son was still drinking and that I was worried about him. I want to tell the rest of his family, and his best friends. I thought this would make it harder to hide, and maybe get rid of some of the lies ...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Left unchecked, it always gets worse.
I understand your impulse to expose the problem to family and friends. I guess I wonder what the motive for this would be. If you want to tell them because it would open up a support system for YOU, that's one thing (though be prepared for them to side with their actual blood relative -- family loyalty can be incredibly strong), but if your intent is to manipulate or embarrass him into giving up the drinking or lying, I'm afraid you'll just have a more closeted drinker/bigger liar on your hands soon. Alcoholism is a much more powerful force in the life of those afflicted with it than anything else -- that includes spouses, children, parents, friends, family -- and it will find a way. The only person who can overcome that is the alcoholic.
Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting?
I understand your impulse to expose the problem to family and friends. I guess I wonder what the motive for this would be. If you want to tell them because it would open up a support system for YOU, that's one thing (though be prepared for them to side with their actual blood relative -- family loyalty can be incredibly strong), but if your intent is to manipulate or embarrass him into giving up the drinking or lying, I'm afraid you'll just have a more closeted drinker/bigger liar on your hands soon. Alcoholism is a much more powerful force in the life of those afflicted with it than anything else -- that includes spouses, children, parents, friends, family -- and it will find a way. The only person who can overcome that is the alcoholic.
Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Hi,
Yes my axbf used to hide his drinking from me, although most of the time he would do it openly.
They do that because they know you don't like it when they drink, but yeah it definitely makes it difficult to trust them about ANYTHING.
I do know that lecturing, and nagging don't really help and that they are unable to follow through on any promises you try to extract from them. People will only quit when they want to and you'll drive yourself crazy getting involved in his drama. I tried to "help" my ex as well at various times but he always went back to his booze and his bars. I ended up feeling angry and depressed that all of my "helping" did nothing.
Yes my axbf used to hide his drinking from me, although most of the time he would do it openly.
They do that because they know you don't like it when they drink, but yeah it definitely makes it difficult to trust them about ANYTHING.
I do know that lecturing, and nagging don't really help and that they are unable to follow through on any promises you try to extract from them. People will only quit when they want to and you'll drive yourself crazy getting involved in his drama. I tried to "help" my ex as well at various times but he always went back to his booze and his bars. I ended up feeling angry and depressed that all of my "helping" did nothing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
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Bootes, my AH was a closet drinker who was very crafty at hiding it. So crafty that I didn't really know the extent of it until *after* we'd separated and I started to look at those Sunday trips to the office in a whole different light.
Post-separation, I've been shunned by quite a few family members and friends who never, ever saw AH intoxicated or even drink to excess. They think I overreacted or am being pious or I was just looking for an excuse to divorce.
Secretive drinking is a huge red flag. Alcoholism is progressive. If you can, get a copy of "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketchum, and attend some Al Anon meetings. You have no control over him and telling his family will likely have no effect. His life and how he lives it is his choice alone. You have to focus on living your own life and what makes you happy.
Post-separation, I've been shunned by quite a few family members and friends who never, ever saw AH intoxicated or even drink to excess. They think I overreacted or am being pious or I was just looking for an excuse to divorce.
Secretive drinking is a huge red flag. Alcoholism is progressive. If you can, get a copy of "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketchum, and attend some Al Anon meetings. You have no control over him and telling his family will likely have no effect. His life and how he lives it is his choice alone. You have to focus on living your own life and what makes you happy.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
Haven't been to a Al-non meeting yet, but have learned a lot by reading the different post on this thread, and am thinking of going to one now.
After my experience with AA, I didn't think the Al-non meetings would be helpful. I'm glad I found this site, and others that have experienced the same thing I did.
SparkleKitty - I thought telling his family would provide a support system for him, and maybe me too - but now I wonder ...
ZiggyB - the weird thing is that he was hiding his drinking before I found out he was an alcoholic, and he didn't drink that much when he did drink around me. If it wasn't for the fact that I found him hiding it, I never would have believed it.
After my experience with AA, I didn't think the Al-non meetings would be helpful. I'm glad I found this site, and others that have experienced the same thing I did.
SparkleKitty - I thought telling his family would provide a support system for him, and maybe me too - but now I wonder ...
ZiggyB - the weird thing is that he was hiding his drinking before I found out he was an alcoholic, and he didn't drink that much when he did drink around me. If it wasn't for the fact that I found him hiding it, I never would have believed it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Originally Posted by Bootes 
ZiggyB - the weird thing is that he was hiding his drinking before I found out he was an alcoholic, and he didn't drink that much when he did drink around me. If it wasn't for the fact that I found him hiding it, I never would have believed it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Yes! Yes! Yes! to each and every Al-Anon meeting and book suggestion above Bootes. Add the Al-Anon book "How Al-Anon Works" to that list.
The alcoholic is generally ahead of the non-As about how much alcohol content (# glasses or bottles, % alcohol, pour/half-pour, size of container, % ice cubes or water intake, swapped water/alcohol, food vs. alcohol, etc.), where and how many stashed, and when he or she drinks ... until the blackouts, memory loss, wet brain, etc. start taking effect. That's not even counting the multiplier or canceling effects of Rx or illicit drugs or substitutes.
The alcoholic is generally ahead of the non-As about how much alcohol content (# glasses or bottles, % alcohol, pour/half-pour, size of container, % ice cubes or water intake, swapped water/alcohol, food vs. alcohol, etc.), where and how many stashed, and when he or she drinks ... until the blackouts, memory loss, wet brain, etc. start taking effect. That's not even counting the multiplier or canceling effects of Rx or illicit drugs or substitutes.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I did not get the reaction/support that I thought I would from XA family. Again, I was so very clueless regarding addiction. In retrospect, it truly was NONE of my business to discuss XA with his family nor did it have the result I was hoping for.. AND, don't be so sure they do not already know there is a problem, seems there is a whole bunch of "sweeping it under the carpet" and major denial in families, AND what can they really do anyway????? We are talking about an ADULT man. He is solely responsible for his life choices.
Let me ask you this, can you accept him as he is today? There is a high probability that this is as good as it can be. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, left untreated, it will get alot worse. As XA disease progressed, my health and well being took a huge nose dive. My life became unmanagable. His actions were unacceptable, and borderline criminally insane.
I'd be asking myself, "Exactly what am I getting out of this relationship???"
Addicts are Liars. It's been written on these boards many times, You can always tell when an addict is lying...... his lips are moving. I just could not find any real reason to continue living a life filled with LIES......
Please know we are here for you as you sort out your life.
Keep posting, it really helped me to talk it out with people that understand.
Let me ask you this, can you accept him as he is today? There is a high probability that this is as good as it can be. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, left untreated, it will get alot worse. As XA disease progressed, my health and well being took a huge nose dive. My life became unmanagable. His actions were unacceptable, and borderline criminally insane.
I'd be asking myself, "Exactly what am I getting out of this relationship???"
Addicts are Liars. It's been written on these boards many times, You can always tell when an addict is lying...... his lips are moving. I just could not find any real reason to continue living a life filled with LIES......
Please know we are here for you as you sort out your life.
Keep posting, it really helped me to talk it out with people that understand.
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