Strong vs. Merciless
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by tygertyger 
... He's free to do whatever, but in order for me to stay in his life, there HAS to be honesty, and at least evidence of effort toward sobriety. ...
I realized that my BF was an alcoholic probably 6 months after we became official - and laid out an escalating series of consequences for our relationship if he didn't get help. ... I realize that there is no silver bullet for addiction, and I truly don't take his behavior personally, but as I've said to him all along: if he's interested in our relationship going forward, he *has* to try, and he has to be honest with me. ...
After this past weekend, I told him I was pulling back ... After a couple of days, he essentially begged me for one more shot. My own heart is pretty much shelled out at this point, and I'm at peace with the knowledge that the relationship is on bare life support, so I said sure - go ahead and have your shot. I also told him that if (though to myself I said 'when') you eff this up, there will be no further discussion - you simply won't ever see or hear from me again until such time as you can concretely demonstrate your active, engaged sobriety. (I was more specific with him about what I meant by 'eff up,' but I'll spare you guys all of that.) And I absolutely mean it. That's where it stands today.
... There's no danger of me getting sucked into some kind of shame-spiral over 'saving' him or anything like that - I've done far, far more than anyone else in his life, and certainly more than could be reasonably expected of a relative newcomer of a girlfriend. I have nothing to prove to him or anyone else - I just want to give him the best chance possible for recovery without mortgaging my own soul to do it. ...
I realized that my BF was an alcoholic probably 6 months after we became official - and laid out an escalating series of consequences for our relationship if he didn't get help. ... I realize that there is no silver bullet for addiction, and I truly don't take his behavior personally, but as I've said to him all along: if he's interested in our relationship going forward, he *has* to try, and he has to be honest with me. ...
After this past weekend, I told him I was pulling back ... After a couple of days, he essentially begged me for one more shot. My own heart is pretty much shelled out at this point, and I'm at peace with the knowledge that the relationship is on bare life support, so I said sure - go ahead and have your shot. I also told him that if (though to myself I said 'when') you eff this up, there will be no further discussion - you simply won't ever see or hear from me again until such time as you can concretely demonstrate your active, engaged sobriety. (I was more specific with him about what I meant by 'eff up,' but I'll spare you guys all of that.) And I absolutely mean it. That's where it stands today.
... There's no danger of me getting sucked into some kind of shame-spiral over 'saving' him or anything like that - I've done far, far more than anyone else in his life, and certainly more than could be reasonably expected of a relative newcomer of a girlfriend. I have nothing to prove to him or anyone else - I just want to give him the best chance possible for recovery without mortgaging my own soul to do it. ...
What about the Honesty though? You pointed out that Honesty and Sobriety are your two foundation stones. Where's he gonna pick up or learn the value and trait of Honesty? What about the "stinking thinking" of the alcoholic, the addictive personality, the restlessness, the irritability, the discontent, and all the other "isms" that underlie the alcoholism? Where is he getting recovery or working a program for any of those - let alone the "cleaning up" or "closing things out" issues (or addressing any depression which is a very possible "dual diagnosis")?
Those are the things that AA is primarily about, along with sobriety. And about sobriety ... that's something that he has to do for himself ... and, if you want to be his girlfriend, and sobriety PI, witness, judge and jury all-in-one, then so be it ... just realize that will be until he should pass because sobriety is maintained and proven One Day at a Time for LIFE.
It sounds to me like you have these escalating consequences for him, but that also can be a slippery slope for you. How long will his "last shot" last? What will it take for him to "concretely demonstrate [his] active, engaged sobriety" for LIFE? Are those weasel words that will allow YOU a way to give him another out? What if he lies about it (because he has that Honesty problem still), and you fall for it (many of us have; the As can get quite good at it)? When will you be convinced that he has been given "the best possible chance for recovery?" What does that mean, objectively? You see, many of us have been down that slippery slope ... problem is that you get to a point where you start falling off the edge, you cross that "invisible line" (just like he did from alcohol abuse into addiction), and you become a full-blown "codependent."
Not saying you won't make the right choices or that you are not resolute. Just things to ponder.
All the best to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Well...we have an update - and a conclusion. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts on this thread, after I made it plain that I was taking a big step back and detaching from our relationship, ABF called me and explicitly begged for 'one last shot.'
Having pretty much made peace with the eminent demise of our relationship *last* weekend when he stood me and some friends up, abandoning our plans and going 'radio silent' for the entire weekend (popping up the following Monday with a breezy 'Good morning - how are you?' text...ugh.) I said sure, fine - and gave him the chance he asked for. We had a relatively pleasant week, training together at the gym (we're both mixed martial artists) and having dinner on Friday. This past Saturday was my 37th birthday, and while I don't care much about birthdays in general, I was looking forward to having some fun, low-key fellowship with a small handful of good friends - particularly in light of the emotional turmoil of the last few months.
Saturday afternoon, in the middle of a lecture I was attending, I get a text from BF saying that (It's so lame I'm embarrassed for him to even repeat it, but here goes) he'd gotten a CAT HAIR in his eye, and that ohmygod, he was practically BLIND, and would I be upset if he didn't make it to dinner.
A. CAT. HAIR. This, from a lifelong hardcore athlete who once trained every day for *months* on a badly damaged shoulder before finally caving and having surgery, who climbs mountains and runs half-marathons for fun...vanquished by a lowly cat hair. Amazing. (It would actually be pretty hilarious, if the stakes didn't involve another person's heart, y'know?)
We spoke briefly on the phone after the lecture ended, and he was instantly huffy and defensive, accusing me of being 'unreasonable' when I told him that if he flaked on my birthday, after all the time, energy, patience, and compassion I've shown him over the course of our relationship, he'd better send me a phone-pic of him getting his eyeball serviced in the nearest ER. He tried to cast me as the villain - 'So you'd have me come all the way to Brooklyn, even though my eye is on fire and I CAN'T SEE? Is that what you're saying?' Yes, jackass. That's *precisely* what I'm saying.
Anyway...I hung up and ignored the blustery texts he sent afterward, deflected questions from our friends about his conspicuous absence, and tried to ignore the empty chair at my birthday dinner table. Eventually my friends coaxed the whole story out of me, and with their support and sympathy, I managed to have a pretty decent evening all in all. Yesterday morning, I woke up to another chatty little text from BF, asking how my night had been, and asking if I'd like to grab brunch after the gym - as though nothing had happened.
I'm not proud to say it, but I called BF right then and cursed him straight into the ground. My patience and rational understanding of his condition be damned - I won't be party to this horsesh!t for a single minute more. At no time either before or during my little tirade did he really apologize in any substantive way - and as I think on it, he's never really sincerely apologized for any of the hassle or heartache being with him has caused me. Which is of course because he doesn't really take responsibility for any of it - so why be sorry?
Anyway. I've got a sass mouth for sure, but I'm not a hothead - if I tell you to f*ck yourself, you can rest assured I've thought it over, and I mean it with all my heart. I'm sure BF - pardon me, XBF - thinks he'll be hearing from me, or that I'll cool down and want to talk about 'us' or something, but I'm afraid he's sorely mistaken. Should he find his way into therapy, or AA, or Rational Recovery, - or heck, start applying the tools he supposedly acquired in rehab - and somehow demonstrate having really started on some major, major interior self-work, I suppose I'd speak to him if he asked...but I don't see that happening. His condition has sapped his capacity for genuine introspection, and amplified the worst parts of his personality. He may very well go his whole life exactly as he is now - which would be tragic, but there it is. I do love him, and I truly do wish him the best - and I'm so, so sorry it had to end this way. For both of us.
Having pretty much made peace with the eminent demise of our relationship *last* weekend when he stood me and some friends up, abandoning our plans and going 'radio silent' for the entire weekend (popping up the following Monday with a breezy 'Good morning - how are you?' text...ugh.) I said sure, fine - and gave him the chance he asked for. We had a relatively pleasant week, training together at the gym (we're both mixed martial artists) and having dinner on Friday. This past Saturday was my 37th birthday, and while I don't care much about birthdays in general, I was looking forward to having some fun, low-key fellowship with a small handful of good friends - particularly in light of the emotional turmoil of the last few months.
Saturday afternoon, in the middle of a lecture I was attending, I get a text from BF saying that (It's so lame I'm embarrassed for him to even repeat it, but here goes) he'd gotten a CAT HAIR in his eye, and that ohmygod, he was practically BLIND, and would I be upset if he didn't make it to dinner.
A. CAT. HAIR. This, from a lifelong hardcore athlete who once trained every day for *months* on a badly damaged shoulder before finally caving and having surgery, who climbs mountains and runs half-marathons for fun...vanquished by a lowly cat hair. Amazing. (It would actually be pretty hilarious, if the stakes didn't involve another person's heart, y'know?)
We spoke briefly on the phone after the lecture ended, and he was instantly huffy and defensive, accusing me of being 'unreasonable' when I told him that if he flaked on my birthday, after all the time, energy, patience, and compassion I've shown him over the course of our relationship, he'd better send me a phone-pic of him getting his eyeball serviced in the nearest ER. He tried to cast me as the villain - 'So you'd have me come all the way to Brooklyn, even though my eye is on fire and I CAN'T SEE? Is that what you're saying?' Yes, jackass. That's *precisely* what I'm saying.
Anyway...I hung up and ignored the blustery texts he sent afterward, deflected questions from our friends about his conspicuous absence, and tried to ignore the empty chair at my birthday dinner table. Eventually my friends coaxed the whole story out of me, and with their support and sympathy, I managed to have a pretty decent evening all in all. Yesterday morning, I woke up to another chatty little text from BF, asking how my night had been, and asking if I'd like to grab brunch after the gym - as though nothing had happened.
I'm not proud to say it, but I called BF right then and cursed him straight into the ground. My patience and rational understanding of his condition be damned - I won't be party to this horsesh!t for a single minute more. At no time either before or during my little tirade did he really apologize in any substantive way - and as I think on it, he's never really sincerely apologized for any of the hassle or heartache being with him has caused me. Which is of course because he doesn't really take responsibility for any of it - so why be sorry?
Anyway. I've got a sass mouth for sure, but I'm not a hothead - if I tell you to f*ck yourself, you can rest assured I've thought it over, and I mean it with all my heart. I'm sure BF - pardon me, XBF - thinks he'll be hearing from me, or that I'll cool down and want to talk about 'us' or something, but I'm afraid he's sorely mistaken. Should he find his way into therapy, or AA, or Rational Recovery, - or heck, start applying the tools he supposedly acquired in rehab - and somehow demonstrate having really started on some major, major interior self-work, I suppose I'd speak to him if he asked...but I don't see that happening. His condition has sapped his capacity for genuine introspection, and amplified the worst parts of his personality. He may very well go his whole life exactly as he is now - which would be tragic, but there it is. I do love him, and I truly do wish him the best - and I'm so, so sorry it had to end this way. For both of us.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by tygertyger
Anyway. I've got a sass mouth for sure, but I'm not a hothead - if I tell you to f*ck yourself, you can rest assured I've thought it over, and I mean it with all my heart. I'm sure BF - pardon me, XBF - thinks he'll be hearing from me, or that I'll cool down and want to talk about 'us' or something, but I'm afraid he's sorely mistaken. Should he find his way into therapy, or AA, or Rational Recovery, - or heck, start applying the tools he supposedly acquired in rehab - and somehow demonstrate having really started on some major, major interior self-work, I suppose I'd speak to him if he asked...but I don't see that happening. His condition has sapped his capacity for genuine introspection, and amplified the worst parts of his personality. He may very well go his whole life exactly as he is now - which would be tragic, but there it is. I do love him, and I truly do wish him the best - and I'm so, so sorry it had to end this way. For both of us.
Way to cut through the BS, form a boundary & STICK TO IT! 
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
First of all, I almost fell out of my chair when I read A.CAT.HAIR. You're a great writer and of course that material .... you can't make that sh!t up.
And you know what, you going off on him .... even though you're not proud of it, sounds like you needed it. More than likely, if you're anything like me, it's a direct result of not speaking your mind as the issue bothers you, as it happens. It's a build up and then an enormous eruption. I TRY not to do that today. I've been pretty successful so far and it really does make my life much easier.
You've probably heard "We teach other's how to treat us". In my experience, it certainly is true.
I'm sorry you're going through the pain you're going through but I'm glad you're dealing with it. Stick around. You've got something to offer.
And you know what, you going off on him .... even though you're not proud of it, sounds like you needed it. More than likely, if you're anything like me, it's a direct result of not speaking your mind as the issue bothers you, as it happens. It's a build up and then an enormous eruption. I TRY not to do that today. I've been pretty successful so far and it really does make my life much easier.
You've probably heard "We teach other's how to treat us". In my experience, it certainly is true.
I'm sorry you're going through the pain you're going through but I'm glad you're dealing with it. Stick around. You've got something to offer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Thanks for the thumbs-up, guys.
As for me losing my temper on the phone...throughout this whole odyssey, I've striven to remain mindful of the fact that XBF's behavior isn't directed toward me, or about me, or as a result of anything going on in our relationship - no matter how it might appear. It's been a huge challenge to not react to his behavior, but to respond - in as much as one can - without anger. I didn't cork my anger; I tried to do what he's incapable of doing, and sit with it, examine its source, make sense of it, and let it go rather than indulging the impulse to shout or curse or stomp around. I know it does no good to rage at a drunk - it's like slapping a toddler for having a tantrum.
That being said, with the last nail in the coffin and the last chance blown this past weekend, I figured what the hell. He's been indulging his inner Angry Boy forever, while I've taken the high road - now it's my turn to rage and howl and behave like a petulant brat. Productive? No. Evolved? No. But it certainly did feel good, and I ain't sorry...except for the next-door neighbors, who were probably scared to death.
I will say this as well: My emotions are still *very* raw, and I can literally feel the hole in my heart over this...but past that, I can also feel the wisdom I've gained from this experience settling into who I am and how I'll go forward from here. The lessons I've been given in acceptance, control (or lack thereof), the power of mindful calm in the face of chaos...I'm processing it all now, and will be for a long time to come - but it's all in there, and I don't see how I could've gotten it any other way. And for that, I'm grateful.
As for me losing my temper on the phone...throughout this whole odyssey, I've striven to remain mindful of the fact that XBF's behavior isn't directed toward me, or about me, or as a result of anything going on in our relationship - no matter how it might appear. It's been a huge challenge to not react to his behavior, but to respond - in as much as one can - without anger. I didn't cork my anger; I tried to do what he's incapable of doing, and sit with it, examine its source, make sense of it, and let it go rather than indulging the impulse to shout or curse or stomp around. I know it does no good to rage at a drunk - it's like slapping a toddler for having a tantrum.
That being said, with the last nail in the coffin and the last chance blown this past weekend, I figured what the hell. He's been indulging his inner Angry Boy forever, while I've taken the high road - now it's my turn to rage and howl and behave like a petulant brat. Productive? No. Evolved? No. But it certainly did feel good, and I ain't sorry...except for the next-door neighbors, who were probably scared to death.
I will say this as well: My emotions are still *very* raw, and I can literally feel the hole in my heart over this...but past that, I can also feel the wisdom I've gained from this experience settling into who I am and how I'll go forward from here. The lessons I've been given in acceptance, control (or lack thereof), the power of mindful calm in the face of chaos...I'm processing it all now, and will be for a long time to come - but it's all in there, and I don't see how I could've gotten it any other way. And for that, I'm grateful.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by tygertyger
I'm not proud to say it, but I called BF right then and cursed him straight into the ground. My patience and rational understanding of his condition be damned - I won't be party to this horsesh!t for a single minute more. At no time either before or during my little tirade did he really apologize in any substantive way - and as I think on it, he's never really sincerely apologized for any of the hassle or heartache being with him has caused me. Which is of course because he doesn't really take responsibility for any of it - so why be sorry?
Anyway. I've got a sass mouth for sure, but I'm not a hothead - if I tell you to f*ck yourself, you can rest assured I've thought it over, and I mean it with all my heart. I'm sure BF - pardon me, XBF - thinks he'll be hearing from me, or that I'll cool down and want to talk about 'us' or something, but I'm afraid he's sorely mistaken. Should he find his way into therapy, or AA, or Rational Recovery, - or heck, start applying the tools he supposedly acquired in rehab - and somehow demonstrate having really started on some major, major interior self-work, I suppose I'd speak to him if he asked...but I don't see that happening. His condition has sapped his capacity for genuine introspection, and amplified the worst parts of his personality. He may very well go his whole life exactly as he is now - which would be tragic, but there it is. I do love him, and I truly do wish him the best - and I'm so, so sorry it had to end this way. For both of us.
Yeah I totally understand how you feel. My final moment was when he woke me up in the middle of the night to complain about a sweatshirt I left on the floor. Really?!! Like the conversation couldn't have waited until morning? I seriously could not believe what an a*shat he was being and sometimes you just get fed up! I really let him have it!
Our arguing continued the next day when he accused ME of being drunk and angry and when I pointed out all of the empty liquor bottles (which I did not empty), he flew into a tirade. Of course, he had no defense at that point because I saw through this stupid crap. Unfortunately he is much more angry than I am, and I definitely got the brunt of his psychopathic wrath. Later I heard he called his drunk-o friend and they continued drinking all that night and for the next 3 days., probably depleting the world's stock of Ketel One between the two of them while talking about how unreasonable I am... lmao.
Sometimes you just have to laugh!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by tygertyger
Saturday afternoon, in the middle of a lecture I was attending, I get a text from BF saying that (It's so lame I'm embarrassed for him to even repeat it, but here goes) he'd gotten a CAT HAIR in his eye, and that ohmygod, he was practically BLIND, and would I be upset if he didn't make it to dinner.
A. CAT. HAIR. This, from a lifelong hardcore athlete who once trained every day for *months* on a badly damaged shoulder before finally caving and having surgery, who climbs mountains and runs half-marathons for fun...vanquished by a lowly cat hair. Amazing. (It would actually be pretty hilarious, if the stakes didn't involve another person's heart, y'know?)
A. CAT. HAIR. This, from a lifelong hardcore athlete who once trained every day for *months* on a badly damaged shoulder before finally caving and having surgery, who climbs mountains and runs half-marathons for fun...vanquished by a lowly cat hair. Amazing. (It would actually be pretty hilarious, if the stakes didn't involve another person's heart, y'know?)
It fits right in with the other Quacks.
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