lizloh

Hello! I seemed to have reached a stopping point here, in a way. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I am missing. I still ask him if he has been drinking. He lies and says no, I ask to smell his breath, he refuses (which is pretty much an admission) and usually I can smell it on him from 3 feet away.
Yesterday I packed up a little bit, but I am totally procrastinating today. I just feel like I want hang out with my doggies while I still can.
I filled out and turned in all the paperwork to my attorney, he didn't even want to give me his drivers license number without talking to a lawyer. I've kept him thinking that we are gettin a dissolution. When he finds out I'm going for all I'm entitled too, the proverbial $hit WILL hit the fan. Another reason I SHOULD be packing, because on Monday I meet up with my lawyer, sign the affidavits and Tue or Wed (or whenever I want, I suppose) he will be served.
In the morning when I wake up I am saddened all over again, but I know it's because I am still here. In this house we bought together, I made a home, with my pups around me. I have to remember all this horrible crap, remember I have made the decision to leave. Remember the dogs are NOT going with me, that I have no money and no job.
So I guess I'm asking why do I still care if he drinks of smokes pot? I tell myself it's just driving home the fact (for me and him) that he is a liar. That I am right and he is wrong. He still hasn't talked to a lawyer, I'm glad I sent in the paperwork irregardless but I haven't let him know, I'm just going along with it. Oh and for those of you who know my story, he agreed to get help by seeing a counselor. He has been 'working' and hasn't had the time (LMFAO) to make an appointment. His parents came into town and he said, 'when my parents leave I'll make it' and in the beginning he couldnt find someone who takes our insurance, haha. I said did you call umm... The insurance company?!? I'm still on the merry-go-round aren't I

dandylion

Dear lizloh, leaving a place where you have invested so much of yourself is always very sad---even if you are leaving under happier circumstances. Try to keep remembering Why you are leaving. Write it down and carry the paper with you, if necessary.

Is there any possibility that you can retrieve the dogs, later? Sometimes, the person keeping the dogs will find the sole responsibility for their care to be more than they really bargained for---and are more willing to give them over.

Remember to take it one day at a time. Are you planning to go to alanon?

dandylion

Tuffgirl

When I left - I was a basketcase for many months.

Try to tackle one thing at a time. When you complete a task, give yourself some kudos!

This is very hard, so also go easy on yourself. I am sorry you are here; it just sucks.

ShootingStar1

I'm beginning to think we can still be on the merry-go-round emotionally while we are rationally taking steps to get off the merry-go-round in our life situation.

BothSidesNow

lillamy

For me, the preparing to leave was harder than the having left.
I had an overwhelming sense of freedom after having left that outweighed the fears and the worries.
But while I was preparing? I was a wreck.

lizloh

Ooh! Lilamy, I havent even thought about that. This is very daunting and gut wrenching. But I do have something to look forward too, being my own woman!

Thanks all for the kind words, as usual

Titanic

This is a rough patch.

Please get some face-to-face support at Al-Anon. Keep an Open Mind. Give Things Time. Easy Does It.

Take good care of you now that you'll have time, as you won't be tempted to waste Your time smelling his breath or questioning him!

Sungrl

It always breaks my heart to read the horror stories that are our lives while dealing with this disease. I would never wish it on anyone (well maybe one person, but I dont know if he will ever be able to figure it out) Keep looking forward to a bright, happy, peaceful future. You deserve it. We all do after the hell we have been through trying to do what is right for everyone involved. It's time for you, move on knowing you did what you could and now do for YOU. You will be amazed at how good it feels.

BlueSkies1

You're afraid and it's making you a little paralyzed. You also realize that you are choosing poverty, if only temporarily, over living with an active alcoholic. You also are looking sentmentally at the things you will be leaving behind, including memories.

Girl...that's a lot to tackle emotionally! It's no wonder you feel as you do. BUT! This is not going to last like this. You will find a job, even if not immediately. You will be living again in a home, but not that house, a home that you love. You will find peace again, knowing that you can tackle life's tough times. You will have days full of laughter with friends, and some financial security, and an ability to relax knowing that, in your future.

But not today, right? That's ok. Sometimes we have to do things today that we can't reap the benefit of until many tomorrows in our future. Be patient and kind with your heart and your head. You are no doubt going through one of the most difficult days of your life. But, you're going to be ok and make it through. We're all sending you strength!

lizloh

Thank you so much if anything I'm thankful to have this forum where everyone seems to know just what to say. Struggling with my codependence in that I wish I had someone to make me feel better, or feel my pain (
I broke down a little this morning, mini pity party. Just thinking, this is not what I wanted my life to be. I know I need to get it out, give myself permission to feel my feelings. But ew! They are icky icky feelings.
Thanks again, all of you for your sympathy and comfort!

Kimmieh

I am so impressed with your resolve! Go go go!

aliveforme

After I made the decision to break it off, whenever I would have that heart wrenching feeling, I would say outloud, It doesn't matter. If that didn't do it, I would then, OUT LOUD, list the reasons that I made this decision.
Our heads are sometimes filled with these arcade game gophers that we keep trying to beat into submission, that the reasons why get drowned out in the tidal wave of our thoughts. That is why I say it OUT LOUD. For the first few days, quite a bit. Hopefully, not in public alone, but if I had to, yes. LOL.....
It helps...its like a mental coach.
The decision to leave is personal and very hard, but once you've made it, this "mantra" style of reinforcement helps you not to slide back on your boundary.
I hope you take care of yourself!

aliveforme

Feel your feelings!! They are feelings, not reality. Its ok....

lizloh

Okay, yeah, thanks for adding that bit. I was once feeling particularly crappy and hating it. And I thought, it's okay to feel these feelings I give myself permission. But I THEN thought, why?! Why give myself permission to feel crappy! But they aren't reality n feeling them doesn't make them reality. That bit would have helped me in that moment, I'm glad to have it on board for next time

BlueSkies1

Don't blame yourself. An active alcoholic does not understand that you love them deeply yet still have to leave them. A recovered alcoholic will understand that in a heartbeat.