I don't know what to do anymore...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 14
I don't know what to do anymore...
My husband is an Alcoholic. He has been trying to quit drinking for about 3 years now. There are times when he does very well, but there are times when nothing can stop him from going to the store to buy beer.
I am torn between the love I have for my husband and the hate I have for the alcohol. I cannot deal with it any longer. The alcohol kills not only my husband. It kills me too - slowly but surely. I feel like a bird in a cage – hopeless and helpless, because I am not sure that my husband really wants to quit drinking… I feel like an injured animal and become angry at him because I think that he doesn’t care and doesn’t think about me when he decides to drink.
I don’t know what to do anymore… I didn't want to have a divorce as a way out of this relationship. I love him and we have built so much together for the last 8 years... We have our home, we have our small zoo with pets we both love... Separately none of us can afford any of that... In addition to that, I am from a different country and he knows that I don't have where else to go... He knows that I have health problem and rely on his health insurance to pay for my expensive medications... All of that gives him the security that I won't leave him... But what else can I do? He is not going to change... I need help and advice from people that have dealt with the alcohol problem successfully. If you can, please, please help!
I am torn between the love I have for my husband and the hate I have for the alcohol. I cannot deal with it any longer. The alcohol kills not only my husband. It kills me too - slowly but surely. I feel like a bird in a cage – hopeless and helpless, because I am not sure that my husband really wants to quit drinking… I feel like an injured animal and become angry at him because I think that he doesn’t care and doesn’t think about me when he decides to drink.
I don’t know what to do anymore… I didn't want to have a divorce as a way out of this relationship. I love him and we have built so much together for the last 8 years... We have our home, we have our small zoo with pets we both love... Separately none of us can afford any of that... In addition to that, I am from a different country and he knows that I don't have where else to go... He knows that I have health problem and rely on his health insurance to pay for my expensive medications... All of that gives him the security that I won't leave him... But what else can I do? He is not going to change... I need help and advice from people that have dealt with the alcohol problem successfully. If you can, please, please help!
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
As an alcoholic who is lucky he is married to such a wonderful lady who was patient and understanding I can tell you the best and really only thing to do, GO TO AN ALANON meeting; tell your story, the wonderful people in ALANON will take it from there. You will be in great, loving care.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I too would suggest that you start attending Alanon meetings.
As for the monitary "stuff", that's all it is..."stuff". You are not happy, your life is not a dress rehersal...this is it...your one chance...do what is best for you.
Medical insurance can be part of the maintenance agreement until you can secure your own
insurance through a work group policy or a direct owners policy.
Keep posting, read all the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends forums, we are here for you.
If you feel that it is time to move forward, consult an attorney, most offer free consulatation.
As for the monitary "stuff", that's all it is..."stuff". You are not happy, your life is not a dress rehersal...this is it...your one chance...do what is best for you.
Medical insurance can be part of the maintenance agreement until you can secure your own
insurance through a work group policy or a direct owners policy.
Keep posting, read all the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends forums, we are here for you.
If you feel that it is time to move forward, consult an attorney, most offer free consulatation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 14
No, hi is not in any treatment and he refuses to go to a doctor or AA meetings... He does it on his own and sometimes very successfully... but the longest he has stayed sober is almost 60 days until almost a month ago. I went to my country to visit my family and he bought beer on a way back from the airport... and all of his time sober was thrown away...
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
If you feel helpless and hopeless, you are at Step 1 in an Al-Anon meeting or in the Family & Friends 12 Step Forum on this site. Go to Al-Anon meetings, at least six. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and from what you describe he most likely will not be able to quit without a program like AA. He could be sliding into Stage 3 of 4, wouldn't you say?
"First Stage: The Adaptive Stage
A problem drinker crosses the line from 'normal' drinking to the first stage when drinking becomes a means of psychological escape from reality. At this point, drinking no longer remains social but becomes a habitual means of emotional escape from inhibitions, problems and fears. The most significant process in the first stage includes the development of tolerance. An article on the University of Rochester website defines tolerance as a progressive state where the drinker has to consume larger quantities of alcohol to achieve the same feeling. Physically, the person's body changes at the cellular level to adapt to the increased amounts of alcohol. Outwardly, there is little if any indication of the development of the disease at this stage.
Second Stage: Dependence
As a person continues to drink larger quantities of alcohol over a time, he develops the hallmark characteristic of the second stage of alcoholism: dependence. Because his body has adapted to higher levels of alcohol, he begins to feel uncomfortable and irritable when not drinking. At this stage, a person consciously plans his schedule to involve drinking and may begin drinking earlier in the day. An article on the American Psychological Association website states that, at this stage, alcoholics may not be able to stop after taking his first drink. Outwardly, during this stage of the disease, the person's drinking becomes noticeable to those close to him such as family members, friends and co-workers. In many cases, they may feel more concerned and embarrassed about his drinking. He may begin trying to conceal his behavior by isolating himself, avoiding people and lying about his drinking.
Physical consequences including: hangovers, blackouts, hand tremors and stomach problems increase as this stage progresses. Psychologically, alcoholics are usually in denial of their condition, and tend to blame other people and circumstances for their problems.
Third Stage: Progression
As the disease progresses, the loss of control becomes more apparent. Typically, alcoholics intend to have one or two drinks and finds herself unable or unwilling to stop after the first drink. Outwardly, they begin experiencing the consequences of her drinking, especially those relating to family, job, financial or legal issues. Her isolation from friends and family becomes more pronounced. At this stage, they begin to neglect like hobbies and interests, but eventually, she neglects more basic things like personal hygiene, food and shelter. During this stage, they may try to stop drinking altogether, but find herself unable to do so.
Fourth Stage: Conclusion
The fourth stage of alcoholism is characterized by a chronic loss of control. In previous stages, the loss of control began after taking the first drink or two. However at this stage, the problem drinker does not have control over the first drink--he must drink to function. A problem drinker at this stage can rarely hold a steady job, and may have financial distress. He has likely alienated his friends and family, and finds himself alone fighting a losing battle against alcoholism. At this stage, attempts to stop drinking are accompanied by severe withdrawal symptoms including: irritability, tremors, headache, hallucinations, seizures and even death. Delirium tremens are a potentially deadly kind of alcoholism withdrawal that almost always takes place unless the alcoholic receives immediate alcoholism treatment. A 2006 article in the "Journal of the American Medical Association" indicates that problem drinkers require medical intervention to detox at this stage. After medical detox, patients should receive emotional and psychological rehabilitation for long-term treatment of the disease.
Read more: Four Stages Of Alcoholism | LIVESTRONG.COM
"First Stage: The Adaptive Stage
A problem drinker crosses the line from 'normal' drinking to the first stage when drinking becomes a means of psychological escape from reality. At this point, drinking no longer remains social but becomes a habitual means of emotional escape from inhibitions, problems and fears. The most significant process in the first stage includes the development of tolerance. An article on the University of Rochester website defines tolerance as a progressive state where the drinker has to consume larger quantities of alcohol to achieve the same feeling. Physically, the person's body changes at the cellular level to adapt to the increased amounts of alcohol. Outwardly, there is little if any indication of the development of the disease at this stage.
Second Stage: Dependence
As a person continues to drink larger quantities of alcohol over a time, he develops the hallmark characteristic of the second stage of alcoholism: dependence. Because his body has adapted to higher levels of alcohol, he begins to feel uncomfortable and irritable when not drinking. At this stage, a person consciously plans his schedule to involve drinking and may begin drinking earlier in the day. An article on the American Psychological Association website states that, at this stage, alcoholics may not be able to stop after taking his first drink. Outwardly, during this stage of the disease, the person's drinking becomes noticeable to those close to him such as family members, friends and co-workers. In many cases, they may feel more concerned and embarrassed about his drinking. He may begin trying to conceal his behavior by isolating himself, avoiding people and lying about his drinking.
Physical consequences including: hangovers, blackouts, hand tremors and stomach problems increase as this stage progresses. Psychologically, alcoholics are usually in denial of their condition, and tend to blame other people and circumstances for their problems.
Third Stage: Progression
As the disease progresses, the loss of control becomes more apparent. Typically, alcoholics intend to have one or two drinks and finds herself unable or unwilling to stop after the first drink. Outwardly, they begin experiencing the consequences of her drinking, especially those relating to family, job, financial or legal issues. Her isolation from friends and family becomes more pronounced. At this stage, they begin to neglect like hobbies and interests, but eventually, she neglects more basic things like personal hygiene, food and shelter. During this stage, they may try to stop drinking altogether, but find herself unable to do so.
Fourth Stage: Conclusion
The fourth stage of alcoholism is characterized by a chronic loss of control. In previous stages, the loss of control began after taking the first drink or two. However at this stage, the problem drinker does not have control over the first drink--he must drink to function. A problem drinker at this stage can rarely hold a steady job, and may have financial distress. He has likely alienated his friends and family, and finds himself alone fighting a losing battle against alcoholism. At this stage, attempts to stop drinking are accompanied by severe withdrawal symptoms including: irritability, tremors, headache, hallucinations, seizures and even death. Delirium tremens are a potentially deadly kind of alcoholism withdrawal that almost always takes place unless the alcoholic receives immediate alcoholism treatment. A 2006 article in the "Journal of the American Medical Association" indicates that problem drinkers require medical intervention to detox at this stage. After medical detox, patients should receive emotional and psychological rehabilitation for long-term treatment of the disease.
Read more: Four Stages Of Alcoholism | LIVESTRONG.COM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Reading those stages just breaks my heart. I remember reading them 8 years ago when we both realized that my husband was an alcoholic. I thought - he'll never be a 3rd or 4th stage alcoholic - that's for someone else's husband, not mine.
Addiction knows no special treatment. It is what it is and it progresses. Very scary and dangerous. He did go all the way to 4th and it is heartbreaking. It's the most devastating experience I've ever had and any anger I had over his addiction was gone. Instead it was just love and sorrow.
I don't think sober time is "thrown away", every time they find that they can keep sober is an encouragement!
But it does bring up a question that I have and I'll post it in a new thread!
Addiction knows no special treatment. It is what it is and it progresses. Very scary and dangerous. He did go all the way to 4th and it is heartbreaking. It's the most devastating experience I've ever had and any anger I had over his addiction was gone. Instead it was just love and sorrow.
I don't think sober time is "thrown away", every time they find that they can keep sober is an encouragement!
But it does bring up a question that I have and I'll post it in a new thread!
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