Should I voice this to him?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 37
Should I voice this to him?
So I have decided some things...and I'm wondering if it is a good idea or bad idea to voice them to AH. We're putting the house on the market in the next 6 months or so... So I've decided that in that time if he doesn't seek emotional help from a professional and if he is not working any sort of recovery program for the alcohol and showing progress that I am operating under the pretense that I want a physical separation when the house sells... We are already separated within the house but that only gives so much space...should I voice this to him or keep it to myself? I don't want him to think that he can jus continue on and we will stay together and everything will be fine but I don't want him to do anything to appease me... I want him to be doing it for himself... I am going to therapy and I've just started going to al anon so I am working on myself but I'm still struggling.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I wouldn't say a word, watch his actions , make your decision and don't tip your hand.
It won't stop him from drinking, it doesn't work that way. You are attempting to control and manipulate the situation.
If really wants recovery, he will embrace it whether you are there or not...you see...it's an inside job, it all begins and ends with him.
Keep those meeting up and keep posting...it will help.
It won't stop him from drinking, it doesn't work that way. You are attempting to control and manipulate the situation.
If really wants recovery, he will embrace it whether you are there or not...you see...it's an inside job, it all begins and ends with him.
Keep those meeting up and keep posting...it will help.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
When you go to Al-Anon, read Chapter 32 from the book "How Al-Anon Works." It's about making big decisions like separation and divorce. Also, Al-Anon teaches us not to make any threats or promises unless we intend to follow through with them, and to live one day at a time rather than in the future. With one or both in recovery, things will change and we need to find out how first.
Keep going back to Al-Anon & coming back here. All the best.
Keep going back to Al-Anon & coming back here. All the best.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
For me, it is best to treat others the way I would like to be treated. However, I've found that living with an alcoholic or an addict often makes me do things that I would not otherwise do. Say things I would not otherwise say. But when I'm in a relationship with anyone, whether "romantic" or not, I typically try to discuss significant issues with them in a kind, mature manner. Without want of anything in return. Just laying my cards out on the table without emotion or expectations. Just stating my position and possibly sharing my feelings with them without becoming all emotional. It's difficult sometimes.
But I know it's the mature way to do things and I do try, because it's important to me to change the way I have done things previously. In the past I've always just reacted to the alcoholic or addicted person, and most often in anger. Rage. Throwing $*&#. It's no way to live.
I hope you find the right answer for yourself.
But I know it's the mature way to do things and I do try, because it's important to me to change the way I have done things previously. In the past I've always just reacted to the alcoholic or addicted person, and most often in anger. Rage. Throwing $*&#. It's no way to live.
I hope you find the right answer for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
As the series of events plays out over the next 6 months, you may find that your view of what you want in the long term changes. It may change many times.
I'd say this is a time to focus on yourself and your own needs, and observe what is going on around you.
For me, anyway, as I left my AH, when it became clear what I needed and wanted to do, it was crystal clear and I just did it. Before that point, I was filled with dread, with denial, with hope, with longing, with grief, with glimmers of what would be best for me; it was kind of an emotional stew that hadn't simmered enough to be finished.
I think that an alcoholic partner is probably not someone you can share your thoughts and needs with as you go through this process, so I'd say don't say anything, just let it play out and take the time for yourself.
There is a Quaker phrase that has meant a great deal to me: "Way will open".
BothSidesNow
I'd say this is a time to focus on yourself and your own needs, and observe what is going on around you.
For me, anyway, as I left my AH, when it became clear what I needed and wanted to do, it was crystal clear and I just did it. Before that point, I was filled with dread, with denial, with hope, with longing, with grief, with glimmers of what would be best for me; it was kind of an emotional stew that hadn't simmered enough to be finished.
I think that an alcoholic partner is probably not someone you can share your thoughts and needs with as you go through this process, so I'd say don't say anything, just let it play out and take the time for yourself.
There is a Quaker phrase that has meant a great deal to me: "Way will open".
BothSidesNow
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's living his life as he sees fit to do. Warning him is an attempt to change him. It leads to mutual resentments and does not work.
When you have had enough, you will decide that you don't want to live with someone like this any more.
When you have had enough, you will decide that you don't want to live with someone like this any more.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Ok, so you see this decision as a good boundary for you.
However, I don't think that is what your AH is going to see it as. He is going to see it as an attempt to control his drinking, in essence, an attempt to control him.
That's where things get murky. We think sometimes we are creating boundaries, but in all honesty, we are trying to control another.
So then it can turn into a power struggle. Your AH can do things to sabotage selling the house, for example. He can even refuse to sell the house, then what?
If you think selling the house is going to set you free financially, then state that here. It is your out.
If it is the easiest way to separate without a divorce, then you are plotting. Nothing wrong with doing that if it is your out, and your way to save yourself. Sharing your out with an active alcoholic could have repercussions though...the battle could ensue.
Selling a house, buying a house, having children, DUI's, loss of job...nobody or nothing can force an alcholic to have an epiphany.
What actually does create an epiphany is such a mystery...wouldn't we all love the answer to that!
What we do know for sure is that it has to come from within.
However, I don't think that is what your AH is going to see it as. He is going to see it as an attempt to control his drinking, in essence, an attempt to control him.
That's where things get murky. We think sometimes we are creating boundaries, but in all honesty, we are trying to control another.
So then it can turn into a power struggle. Your AH can do things to sabotage selling the house, for example. He can even refuse to sell the house, then what?
If you think selling the house is going to set you free financially, then state that here. It is your out.
If it is the easiest way to separate without a divorce, then you are plotting. Nothing wrong with doing that if it is your out, and your way to save yourself. Sharing your out with an active alcoholic could have repercussions though...the battle could ensue.
Selling a house, buying a house, having children, DUI's, loss of job...nobody or nothing can force an alcholic to have an epiphany.
What actually does create an epiphany is such a mystery...wouldn't we all love the answer to that!
What we do know for sure is that it has to come from within.
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