need some advice re: finances
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 37
need some advice re: finances
So I am having a hard time figuring out how to separate finances while we are still living together...I am still grasping onto some hope that some miracle will happen and maybe we could stay together, but the realistic side of me knows this is most likely not going to happen and wants to plan for the future and start separating stuff as if that is going to happen...
Right now we both have individual accounts and one joint account where joint expenses come out of (mortgage, bills, etc...) but the problem with the system we have is that AH pisses away all of his "personal money" the minute it reaches his bank account and then he "borrows" from the joint account thereafter even though he knows are joint account has a strict budget and there is no wiggle room in there...he KNOWS this and he still takes money that we don't have to do whatever...the only solution I can come up with at this time is to take away his debit card for the joint account, but then I see that he is withdrawing $$ from savings and I know that he has access to that money even without the card...does anyone have logistical advice on dealing with finances while you're still together? I'm having to deal with "how are we going to pay for groceries and gas for the rest of the month?" and I can't stand this anymore!
Right now we both have individual accounts and one joint account where joint expenses come out of (mortgage, bills, etc...) but the problem with the system we have is that AH pisses away all of his "personal money" the minute it reaches his bank account and then he "borrows" from the joint account thereafter even though he knows are joint account has a strict budget and there is no wiggle room in there...he KNOWS this and he still takes money that we don't have to do whatever...the only solution I can come up with at this time is to take away his debit card for the joint account, but then I see that he is withdrawing $$ from savings and I know that he has access to that money even without the card...does anyone have logistical advice on dealing with finances while you're still together? I'm having to deal with "how are we going to pay for groceries and gas for the rest of the month?" and I can't stand this anymore!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree, something needs to change.
Talk with your bank's branch officer to see what your options are on your accounts. My bank told me it was a matter of who opened our joint account as to who had ultimate control of the account based on the laws at that time.
Maybe a joint account with overdraft protection that pulls money from his personal account to cover overdrafts?
If you can open a separate savings account, it would be a safer place for your savings. At the rate he is going through money, it will disappear if this current cycle continues.
How many of the current bills/debts/mortgage are in both your names? Is it possible to have him pay for his bills out of his account? That means letting him miss payments and have late charges, and it will be his consequences for his actions. You would pay the bills in your name out of your personal accounts.
Have you spoken with a lawyer for information on how you can protect your finances and credit rating?
Talk with your bank's branch officer to see what your options are on your accounts. My bank told me it was a matter of who opened our joint account as to who had ultimate control of the account based on the laws at that time.
Maybe a joint account with overdraft protection that pulls money from his personal account to cover overdrafts?
If you can open a separate savings account, it would be a safer place for your savings. At the rate he is going through money, it will disappear if this current cycle continues.
How many of the current bills/debts/mortgage are in both your names? Is it possible to have him pay for his bills out of his account? That means letting him miss payments and have late charges, and it will be his consequences for his actions. You would pay the bills in your name out of your personal accounts.
Have you spoken with a lawyer for information on how you can protect your finances and credit rating?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I was in a very similar situation. AH would drain his personal account and then start taking money from the joint as well. Most of our payments were coming from his personal account which was so overdrawn each month that I worried they would bounce.
Here is what I did that works well. I called every place that took payments out of his personal account and our joint account. The mortgage place, the insurance place, the utilities, health care, every where. For each place I changed the account which the pre authorized withdrawal came from to my own personal account that he has no access to. (no where really cared that I was changing it, so long as it was getting changed.)
I leave our joint account at next to nothing.
I transfer him money each month for fun. ( mainly booze, but lately lingerie for his new gf too). He always is way overdrawn.
I separated our credit cards. His is ran way up. ...and now he doesn't pay it off any more either.
Basically there is no real joint banking going on, but I do keep the joint account open because. A) it has no real overdraft and B) sometimes cheques come in for him and I deposit the cheque In there so that I can take the money for our expenses that I now take out of my account.
There is never much left over, but at least the payments are being made.
Hope this helps.
Here is what I did that works well. I called every place that took payments out of his personal account and our joint account. The mortgage place, the insurance place, the utilities, health care, every where. For each place I changed the account which the pre authorized withdrawal came from to my own personal account that he has no access to. (no where really cared that I was changing it, so long as it was getting changed.)
I leave our joint account at next to nothing.
I transfer him money each month for fun. ( mainly booze, but lately lingerie for his new gf too). He always is way overdrawn.
I separated our credit cards. His is ran way up. ...and now he doesn't pay it off any more either.
Basically there is no real joint banking going on, but I do keep the joint account open because. A) it has no real overdraft and B) sometimes cheques come in for him and I deposit the cheque In there so that I can take the money for our expenses that I now take out of my account.
There is never much left over, but at least the payments are being made.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I lived this for many years. It can be a long or a short story. I will give you the short one. It was not easy or uncomplicated like the short story might seem. It was never easy.
I took my money and put it into an account he could not access.
I kept all checkbooks, cards, etc at work. I had to open a savings account for the kids because their piggy bank was not a safe place.
I paid all the bills in my name which was everything except his school loans.
Where I live it does not matter whose name the debt is in. We were married and we shared all debt and assets. When we divorced I paid half his school loan bill. It took my entire 401K. Credit card debt was paid with the profit from the sale of the house. The rest was split 50/50. He agreed I could keep the car. Had I kept the house I would have had to pay 1/2 the other debt and buy him out of his half of the house.
Separating finances kept my lights on and food in my cupboard but still really hurt my long term financial picture.
I took my money and put it into an account he could not access.
I kept all checkbooks, cards, etc at work. I had to open a savings account for the kids because their piggy bank was not a safe place.
I paid all the bills in my name which was everything except his school loans.
Where I live it does not matter whose name the debt is in. We were married and we shared all debt and assets. When we divorced I paid half his school loan bill. It took my entire 401K. Credit card debt was paid with the profit from the sale of the house. The rest was split 50/50. He agreed I could keep the car. Had I kept the house I would have had to pay 1/2 the other debt and buy him out of his half of the house.
Separating finances kept my lights on and food in my cupboard but still really hurt my long term financial picture.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
No joint accounts, period. But even of you were able to pull that one off you're still allowing yourself to be in the position of rationing out money to an active addict, (unlikely to produce the desired results). But cutting off his access to money earmarked for bills will eventually force a stand off anyway. I would also talk to a lawyer and read up on domestic laws specific to the state you live in.
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