justrae83

Most of you know my story... My ex that I was with forever it seems ( 6 years ) was a pill popping drinker who was addicted to ALMOST ANYTHING he could get his hands on. Xanax, oxycodone, alcohol, smoking, vicodin…ect. I was on a constant roller coaster of good days and bad days… I left of April of last year to move in with my dad. I swore that I would never see him again because of all the crap and drama I went through, even though I saw myself marring him because I loved him. With seizures and DUI and bankruptcy, everyone would RUN FOR THE HILLS… ( if you were not a codie like me  ) I SWORE UP AND DOWN I WOULD NEVER GET WITH HIM AGAIN… then I did. 3 months out of his rehab… then he left me for another women. WORST 5 MONTHS OF MY LIFE dealing with the pain and betrayal of him and what I went through. ONCE AGAIN, I SWORE I WOULD NEVER EVER GET BACK WITH HIM..even if he came crawling back on his hands and knees in tears! Of course, the codie in me…took him back but with caution this time.

Of course, once again…he is back to drinking and pills even though he swears he changed, I thought I would be hard to leave again because of how hard it was last time….but because I was forced to let him go before, it is surprisingly easy this time! WHY? Just a few days ago, I posted in tears how I loved him and how sad I was, but I woke up this morning with no urge to call, no urge to text or email…just peace. Peace that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Peace that I am free to move on with my life and for the first time in 7 years…..I FEEL LIBERATED!

Has anyone else had this? How long does it last? I know he will come begging back but, I can honestly say with a smile after praying with God, I am done. Not just saying iam done but it feels different this time. Like I know its gonna be different and I know I can live my life happy, single and free.

Tuffgirl

We know when we are done. Really, truly done. I still feel plenty of sadness, but now its sadness that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, the loss of my dreams for the marriage, not sadness over the loss of the relationship.

It helps to be able to determine this time the difference in what I feel, because no matter how sad I get, there is no going back this time. I am done.

Good for you! There is way more to life than the road you have been on!

BlueSkies1

You know that part of yourself that will never give up, never give in, never let them go...it was always in control of me, for over a decade of crap...
That part of me didn't give in, didn't let go...and yet there I was behind the wheel of my car driving away...I'm still not sure who is driving, all I do know is that she is in control, and she refuses to drive back. It still feels to me quite often that the one that always goes back is the only me I really know...Now I look forward to getting to know whoever this new woman is driving my car...she's quite a mystery to me, but she absolutely refuses to go back to the madness.
Really. It got that bad. I don't even know the part of me that is in control, but I sure know what she refuses to do, and that's go back.
That might read a little muddled, but it's the best I can do to explain the feeling of when I had had enough.

justrae83

Thank you

android1

For me, once I knew I was done, I never turned back. Every once in a while the thought crosses my mind, but only briefly. I too felt a huge felling of relief when I knew it was truly over.

I just filed divorce papers today. Two years ago I would never have thought I would be doing this, I thought I had the love of my life. Well I'm sad it turned out the way it did. But I'm so happy I left and saw there was no turning back.

ShootingStar1

justrae, I left my AH of almost 20 years in July after he managed yet more outrageous behavior than his alcohol abuse and his alcoholic verbal abuse of me, by sending hundreds of dollars on MY credit card to an internet porn "lady". I left suddenly on July 4th after the credit card fraud squad called me to question AH's $500+ transaction. So I drove down our mountain amidst the thunderstorms and fireworks, and I was done.

It was so outrageous and beyond repair, especially his profound nastiness about me and sex, I knew I was done forever. At first, I felt free and invigorated and whole. Then I went through a time of feeling that way, and alternating with feeling it was my fault, then it was his fault, then he wanted me back and I was tempted. But he alternated his charming enticing occasional behavior with far more threats and nastiness, and I kept listening to this forum, and I am gone for good.

I have spent a huge amount of effort and energy learning about co-dependence and enabling, and most of all about detaching and healing myself. I am realizing my part in this and owning. But most of all I am realizing how severely AH abused me, and how happy I am to be on my own.

And it is good. It is hard, it is at time uncertain, especially financially, but the relief and just plain old peace of being on my own with a very supportive, non-verbal little dog who has never criticized me, even when I fast forward through the TV show too slowly - - well the rewards are profound to me.

I'd vote, given what you wrote, don't look back. There is little an active alcoholic can offer you that compares to the freedom to get healthy and happy in your own way, on your own time.

BothSidesNow

Titanic

Wreaths of happiness to all of you, my weary fellow warriors!

Learn2Live

Not sure of any answers to your questions but what I do know is that life brings you lessons and only you can figure out what they are, for you. When I did what you describe, going back time and again to the same alcoholic addict who I thought I could never live without, the lesson I learned was I can so make it on my own, on my own merits, and I did. Another thing I learned for myself was, never, ever go back. Once someone shows me who they are, I believe them, bite the bullet, go No Contact, and move on. And that brought me to the next 3 relationships, all of which showed me that men in particular seem not to know this lesson. That they also will hang on, and keep coming back, even making NO effort to "fix" themselves (i.e., change, grow, learn) and will say all manner of things, make all kinds of promises, just to suck you back in. That's when I listen to Des'ree: "Ya gotta be bad, ya gotta be bold, ya gotta be wiser. Ya gotta be hard, ya gotta be tough, ya gotta be stronger."

Hopeworks

Justrae83,

Your experience mirrors my nightmarish rollercoaster with my XA who also had a fondness for losing his mind on benzos + alcohol and if he got too groggy he would throw in a little cocaine to pep him up to keep the blackout going.

This always happened away from me as I had a no alcohol boundary and would immediately eject him from our home if he starting actively using. But here is where it would get weird... I would plan to NOT get involved with him again but would experience extreme anxiety and angst while he was relapsed and binging and eventually he would reel me back in with promises and another stint in rehab etc, etc, etc...

This yo-yo back and forth of drinking, relapse, detox, rehab, abstinence and occasional authentic recovery went on for an insane 2.5 years... then I started reading this website and months later starting posting although still in denial. This got me a loose grip on "normie" thinking from other codependents who had gotten free of the delusional thinking. There is something about ANOTHER person suffering what you have suffered talking to you that is so much more effective from a regular friend or relative.

This started me on my path to my way out. At 3 years he was in recovery... authentic... but after 6 months or so I started to see it slipping... less meetings... less quiet time...less contact with his sponsor. Mr Sweetness and Light was not quite so sweet at times and I knew it was the restlessness that comes from untreated alcoholism.

For the first time I didn't nag, direct, drag or helicopter and just said... "I have no more relapses in me and you are responsible for your recovery. I personally believe you building up to drink and if you do "it is over...PERIOD". I am happy to go to meetings with you if you like (we would attend open big book or 12 step meetings together as well as seperately in AA or Alanon).

He chose not to go and I zipped it for the first time... finally I was learning to detach! Sadly I was right and like a volcano going off he went manic, insanely drunk and had secretly gotten a script for xanax. He was out binging and I went to packing...

But this time was different... no panic attacks... no anxiety... just methodical, businesslike logical plan being executed. I put his stuff in storage and went NC.

And for the first time I didn't worry if he died because if he died it was his choice and his life or death was between him and his HP. I slept fine for the first time that he was out in the streets zombied out on pills and booze.

That is when I knew it was different... that it was truly over... the nightmare jail cell of my addiction to him had finally been broken permanently.

And of all the things that I used to set myself free from the prison of my own mind the most effective and important was this website. In addition to daily visits here I attended alanon, had a therapist and read everything written about codepedency and alcoholism.

I still come here every morning and read the new posts and post quite a bit. I still learn things about me and I feel myself growing stronger in every way... wisdom is hard to come by and it is here on this website in depth.

So... welcome to freedom! Freedom from the our own prisons that we construct and evetually unlock with our growth and willingness to let go of the things that are so very intoxicating but are like a deadly poison that eventually destroys us.

You may still have ups and downs but NC is a huge key to shortening the difficult moments... keep your resolve and embark on the adventure of the rest of your life!

Learn2Live

Awesome post Hopeworks. Thanks! Needed to read all of that today.