kewlgurl

During my visit with my AH at the inpatient treatment facility this week, he talked about how he thought he was ready to move to an Outpatient program and that he wasn't getting anything new from the inpatient treatment at anymore, it was just the same thing repeated. As we discussed it I could see him getting more and more anxious. (RED FLAGS going off in my head!)

Tuesday I talked with his counselor, she was concerned my AH was trying to make his own treatment plan and was concerned he wasn't focusing on his treatment plan and that would increase his chances of relapse once he was released into an Outpatient program. I told her the concerns he shared with me about not feeling like the group program was helping him and he wanted more individual focused counseling (he is only meeting with his counselor for about 30 minutes once a week). She requested another 7 days stay from the insurance company.

My AH called me later in the afternoon and asked if I talked with his counselor and what did I say to her. He told me she had told him that I felt he needed more time in inpatient treatment. I am instantly anxious. I tel him I did not say anything to her concerning the length of his stay and I just told her what he had discussed with me about wanting some more individual counseling and smaller group work.

Obviously I have no idea what his counselor actually said to him, but I still haven't completely adjusted to the fact I need to watch his actions not listen to his words, because he is an A and they lie.

I am talking to one of my good friends who just happens to be a social worker (addiction is NOT her specialty)and explaining the situation to her and telling her how frustrated I am with the situation. She recommends when I talk to him again that he needs to work on his recovery and not feed into the frenzy.

I am driving home thinking about everything in the solitude of my car and I have a lightbulb moment! He is pulling me into a tailspin....I need to step back and let it be. So when I talk to him later that evening and he starts the conversation stating he is really going to push to get released, I just say "The harder you push the less likely you are to get released. You need to put all your energy and focus on your recovery plan and goals and let the rest work itself out. If you show the progress you need to be released they will release you. Forcing the issue is only going to make you more anxious and that is taking away your focus from your recovery."

His whole attitude changed and he said, "Ok, you are right." And then the subject was changed. I just felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders! When I don't engage in the drama, it tends to fall apart and he can re-focus, I have to remember this!

Titanic

Yes. Let Go & Let Live!

Tuffgirl

Well done, and remember how nice it felt to step back from it. ; )

Learn2Live

Isn't it great when you have those lightbulb moments?!?

Good job on removing yourself from the drama, etc. Next time he starts discussing this kind of thing with you, it is also OK to not say anything, just say, "Uh-huh," or "I see," or something like that. If you give no advice, they can't use it to blame you for anything later on. Also, whatever he needs from his counselor, he needs to be communicating those things to her directly, not through you. His recovery and his treatment and his sobriety are HIS problem, not yours.

PohsFriend

You were also factual without being judgmental or making it about you, well done.

I pull little nuggets from hree and there and this one would be a big help to me if and when I find myself trying to talk my RAW into sticking with it if she ever has to go to rehab in the future. We all have fears and she is a nester, not being home would be hard for her. I can easily see her jumping through any hoop they gave her and then saying "OK, did that, time to go!".

It would be so easy to say things like "You need this" or "you are not ready" or "Honey you have to stay because I can't deal with...." and it would hurt her and be so sad....

"The docs have a program laid out and the sooner you complete it the sooner they will say it is time to go and the sooner you will come home, I can't wait!". No conflict, no putting myself in the middle where i don't belong... Docs in charge, listen to them and get'r done - we miss you!.

Thanks for this. It addresses and actually helped me define one of my big fears - having to negotiate when there is a disparity between what I believe she needs and what she wants. I don't want to have to be the one to deny her and have her feel betrayed and resentful or worse, give into what I think is a terrible idea to spare her feelings.

I do obsess a bit... but it helps me to think through what could happen, have a pretty good idea of how to respond and then when stuff happens it doesn't knock me for a loop ...just a blip.