keeka88

Hi there,

I have been dating a recovering addict for 7 months. He is amazing.. I am crazy about him. He was on 234 days sober. It has been a bumpy ride, but he is truly the most caring, loving man I have ever met. I am 34 years old.. with a 4.5 year old daughter.
~ He calls me yesterday saying he lost his job.. I said "What.. how" He replies.. "I failed a drug test".... what.. how.. when... omg.. you have been doing so well..

He told me he made the call 2 weeks ago and relapsed. I wasnt angry.. i was sad, i hurt for him. he was so committed.. I am not an addict.. but i gave up drinking for him because it made him uncomfortable.. I feel betrayed.. all his preaching about me not drinking.. etc.. Is this a sign to run?? Or do I help him thru this. I have NEVER been so confused in my life.. I am at a crossroads on what to do. ??

Any advice would be great

ps I asked him.. is there anything else, he said no. Just that one time??

A Girl in love... but torn

krisjbhm

This is his struggle. You cannot do it for him. With that in mind, you can "support" him by not interfering with his search for recovery. Many individuals say that relapse is part of recovery. Maybe yes or maybe no. It's my experience that I have had to detach myself from the A's chaos. And remind myself of a saying - How do you know if an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving....... Trust your gut and get out of his way.

Thumper

I'm so sorry.

Close your eyes and listen to yourself. Listen to your gut. Take care of yourself. Dating is done to learn more about people and with each new discovery you decide if you want more of that. You've learned something yesterday and you get to decide if you want more of it.

You are dating an unemployed active addict. That is the reality. Read around SR. Check out the stickies. 7 months is the blink of an eye in the scope of a lifetime. What is in your own best interests at this point? You are the only one that can really take care of yourself - it is your responsibility to make decisions that are in your best interest.

Attend some al-anon meetings.

Speaking of my personal experience - There is something different between me and my friends that had marriages that were solid, healthy, and productive. They married men that they could trust, depend on to be equal contributors, and build a future with. The difference is that they dated and let people go that didn't fit that vision for their future. Whether it was because it wasn't the right time, the right person, the right whatever - they let go even when it hurt their heart. They made decisions in their own best interest and it paid off.

I did not let go for a number of reasons. I held on despite the red flags and it nearly destroyed me. Failing a drug test, active addiction, unemployment - those are all red flags. They are little peaks into the future. When you close your eyes is this someone to let go of or hang on to? Is this what you want your future to look like?

SparkleKitty

I think the hardest thing in the world is accepting that there is nothing one can do, that the struggle belongs to someone else, and that most times, when one tries to "help", one usually ends up enabling.

Not interfering can make you feel helpless and out of control, but it's not about you, sadly; it's not even about your relationship with him. He can't manage you and his battle at once. If you can find a way to get through this one breath at a time, you can trust that you really are Doing Something by simply staying out of the way.

Wishing you strength and courage. Lots of people here to listen and support you, so stay in touch.

ichabod

Think on this - if he hadn't lost his job, he would still be pretending to be sober. Is that how you want to live?

Pelican

Sounds like you have the two sides of addiction in this relationship. The guy he wants you to believe he is, and the guy he really is (someone who denies, lies, blame-shifts, minimizes, and uses)

When we begin dating, we go through what is called the honeymoon phase where everyone is on their best behavior. As the partners become more comfortable, they start to reveal more of their true nature. That is when we begin to ask ourselves if this is a behavior/action/reaction that we are willing to accept in our relationship partner.

If it is not behavior we are willing to accept in our one precious life, then we end the relationship before we become more attached.

I have learned through my relationship with an addict that some people can stay in my heart, but not in my life.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, and I am sorry for your situation that brought you here. I imagine the great posts above are not what you really want to hear. But they are spot-on, nonetheless.

For someone with a daughter who will be dating someday, what advice would you give her if she came to you in the same situation? Because remember, she is watching you and looking for guidance.

One slip...it happens in recovery. But is this really a slip? He lost his job over it; I find it a bit hard to believe he "used just once" and it happened to be the day (or a few days) before a work drug test. It could happen, sure, but the thing is, now do you believe his words?

There is something you can do right now. Nothing. And then wait and see. Doing nothing is doing something, too. But while you wait and see what happens next, pay close attention to what he is doing, not what he is saying.

Cyranoak

Please try at least six, some different, before deciding if this is for you. It will help you understand why a mother of a young child decides to date an addict early in recovery who the evidence shows cannot be a good husband and step-father in the foreseeable future, instead of somebody stable who the evidence shows could be a good husband and step-father.

Good luck and take care,

Cyranoak

Titanic

I think the meetings will help you deal with your situation & reward you more than you ever can imagine. You will not feel blamed, judged, or the like. Yes, you will learn a lot of don'ts but you will mostly learn a lot of great DOs. Not talking about hairstyles either! ;-)

keeka88

You are all amazing. Thank you for the advice. I am such a care giver and want to help him. But I know you are all right.. this is my "out" I cant fix this. Its out of my control. He has done so much for me, and I have this guilt of leaving him, during his time of need. I am such a strong woman.. but with him, i feel so helpless. I know leaving him will devastate him. But now that I have had time to think about "what if" he has been using. I asked him, he said this was the only time. I just cant believe he didnt call me or his sponsor. After all the Sh*t he has given me, and me changing my lifestyle for him. He does this. I think I am starting to get angry now.

Thank you again.. Good luck to all of you!!

krisjbhm

Sometimes anger can be a good motivator, in my experience. Allow anger to make yourself get out of the harmful situation. Once you are free, start your own healing process. That is of extreme importance. I've read that depression is anger turned inward and you don't need that, for yourself and your child.

Pelican

From one Caretaker to another, I recommend researching codependancy and see if it applies to you.

I found an excellent resource to help me work on my codependant tendancies was reading Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I continue to re-read it as I find myself slipping back into old habits.

Here is an SR link that shares some info on Codependancy:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

JellyBelly12

Oh man this hit home. Ouch.

Completely off topic, so you can disregard this, but the guy I'm hurting over... Ive been surviving off memories. Nothing in his actions say,"future" or even that there's an "us" in this "future".
I've been looking back so hard, that I can't even see what's in front of me. No wonder I've hit so many roadblocks, I'm not even paying attention to where I'm going!
So smart Thumper, you may have just cracked the mystery otherwise known as the "Why am I still not over him?"

How do I know that's the right answer?
Serenity... I has it.

keeka88

I have read that.. lol My therapist told me too.

Titanic

Given time and the right situation for you & your child, there remains the possibility that you later might choose to "unseparate." More will be revealed. In the meantime, One Day at a Time!