emeraldsea

There have been some big updates since my last post, forgive the length:

The short version is that I am struggling with how to cope with my ABF's fledgling sobriety and our first few days of being back in front of each other and in the same city after a summer apart.

I have been back in town for a week after a summer abroad for my graduate school research. Right after I left the country in early July, ABF amazingly decided finally to embark on a journey of recovery. He checked into detox, then went onto a residential rehab and is now in a sober living house that also has plenty of meeting and groups.

During my time abroad, we spoke on a limited basis, both because of the time zone difference and because I needed distance and space from the chaos. i started going to local English language Alanon meeting. As he has made the commitment to go on with each stage, I have been so amazed at his growing determination.

As I prepared to come back, because of prior chaos, I was panicking about where to stay when I returned. Originally, I didn't think staying in our/his apartment made sense because he is not sleeping there at the moment and I wasn't sure at all what would happen to us. I hoped to stay with a local friend for a time, but none of my local friends could host me.

When I spoke on the phone with ABF last week, at first I told him that I don't feel comfortable staying the apartment at the moment and he said ok. He seemed very calm and reasonable. Then he pointed out that maybe it would make me feel better to know that he himself is not staying there overnight and will not be there much during the day.

So, after mulling it over for a day, I changed my mind and decided that it did make the most sense to stay in our shared apartment. And it has seemed like the right decision. All my stuff is there and it is very peaceful since I am mostly alone in it.

Fast forward to this week, and my return to the city. I arrived back in town and he picked me up. Seeing him in person threw me. I have never seen such an incredible transformation. He looked calm and radiant and healthy. He has gained weight in a healthy seeming way. His entire energy was different.

And the last few days have been wonderful. He has a few hours each day free from groups or AA meetings when we can spend time together. he has to leave me in the early evening to get back to his sober house. During these hours, we have slowly been getting caught up on all the many changes in our lives over the two month separation. The smart, sweet guy I first met is reemerging. I feel my love for him surging back.

But I am struggling too. The changes in him seem profound and its hard to adjust. We had our first dinners out ever without drinking, which felt almost like a first date, it was so strange. Of course, he is a bit scared of the future. It hurts me to have him leave at night.

I am now alone in our apartment and it feels so lonely and odd and quiet. My mind has started to spin about what I am doing here, what will the future bring.

This summer I was very sad, and often seethingly angry and hurt because of rehashing and obsessively thinking about all the built up resentments and past pain from last spring.

Now my armor that I had built up this summer is crumbling.I am feeling so loving and more vulnerable every day that I see him. I see him working so hard at recovery, and I see how he is coming into focus, I want to be with him more than ever.

Yet I worry that by staying I am setting myself up for pain to get my hopes up again for a mature, reciprocal relationship. I worry about the past, the future, what I should do about us. I worry about a lot.

After a lovely afternoon of hanging out at home today, he had to leave to go back to the sober house. We spoke on the phone an hour ago and had a brief conversation. I was feeling sad and it came out in my voice. We talked about how we are both confused. I started to cry out of loneliness and confusion. We agreed that we would keep talking over time but there was nothing to resolve tonight.

He is taking care of himself: went off to bed and will spend the morning in group therapy and AA meetings. As he said, he cannot help me with my confusion because he has his own confusion. There are no easy answers.

So now I need to comfort myself. Rather than dwelling on the loneliness or uncertainty, I am trying to be grateful for this time apart, so that we can both think and regroup. Let him be and focus on myself. Find an Alanon meeting for tomorrow, which I just did.

Typing this out has helped me stop crying. My evening wish before bed is that clarity about the right path to take will come with time.

Seren

Sometimes.....time just takes....time. Maybe just wait, and watch, and see how this newly sober person develops?

He is working on his sobriety, you are working on your own recovery and your graduate work. Nothing really has to be decided right this moment, does it? Perhaps if you felt more comfortable getting your own place, that would be better for you?

Allow yourself the time to make the best decision for you Prayers for his continued recovery and yours!

BlueSkies1

It's a known fact that relapses are common and that 10% succeed in beating their addiction once out of sober housing.
You are afraid and for good reason. Nobody wants to be a puppet on a string. You don't have to completely trust in him again at this point. It's very early in his sobriety, and who knows what the future holds.
Alanon meetings may help you empower yourself.
Mostly I suggest that you continue on with your own journey of your schooling and life moving forward, his part in it, if any, yet to be seen.
I would be sad too. He chose the actions of last Spring, and they can't be undone. He may be Mister Wonderful right now, but you bear the scars.
Future plans with him? I would keep them still completely up in the air until he has a minimum of a year of sobriety.
To thine own self be true--true to him comes second.

Tuffgirl

Yes to the posts above - that was exactly my thought. Why rush anything? He has a long way to go...

You say you "see". But you spent a short period of time with him. My guess is that you think you are "hearing" and that makes you think you are "seeing". Actions speak louder than words.

Good for the Al-Anon meeting. Keep living your life, and just sit back and watch. More to be revealed.

Titanic

One Day at a Time ... for both of you!

You each have work to do. Both programs of recovery (AA & Al-Anon) suggest that, before making any big decisions (e.g., separation, divorce, new job, move), each of you work on your own recovery: for one year in His case; and for at least 6-9 months in your case. Chapter 32 of How Al-Anon Works speaks to the latter. A priceless book, though costing only $5 or so in paperback!

Those timers start from when each of you enter your own recovery rooms and, for him, that generally would be immediately after exiting rehab.

Of course, those time periods assume each of you IS working your own program.

Best wishes!

emeraldsea

I first wanted to say thanks for you all for your kind and thoughtful replies.

I have been struggling a lot since my last post. I have been very weepy, have had a headache for five days straight, which is not typical for me. I never have insomnia, but have been waking up very early. This is not just stress about our relationship, which is calmer than it has ever been, but generalized anxiety about many facets of my life.

Focusing on myself, of course is the answer. The issue with focusing on myself I suppose is that my own life apart from ABF feels very stressful and does not feel like solace. I don't feel like I have any area of my life that is safe or secure. My graduate work stresses me out terribly. Many of my close friends have finished their PhDs and moved away. I feel isolated.

So concrete things I am doing to take care of myself: gotten back in touch with my own personal therapist, hired a dissertation coach to help me through the final writing push, started walking a 3 mile loop around the reservoir in the mornings, set up an appointment with a personal trainer for tomorrow, made dinner and lunch dates with good friends who still live in the area. Last week I went to two Alanon meetings.

In addition to seeming to be working his own program hard, ABF seems to be taking the rebuilding of our relationship seriously, in my opinion and gut feeling. He has been very encouraging of my going to AlAnon and we have talked a lot about what I am getting out of it and what the program is about.

On his own initiative, he asked his case manager at the sober residence for names of couples therapists who have experience with dealing with recovery issues. That feels like a good idea to me but we shall see.

Yesterday we had a very good and honest talk. He brought up that he is concerned because I seem so sad much of the time. He wishes that he knew better how to talk to me when I feel low and how he can be helpful to me. He wishes that I would feel comfortable talking with him about whatever is going on.

At first, I took total responsibility and apologized that my coping strategy is to clam up when I am upset. This is true and I understand is frustrating for friends who try to talk to me.

But then it dawned on me, that no, I do feel comfortable talking to many other people about whats going on with me.

So then I shifted gears and told him that my current responses to him are largely shaped by his past behavior during his drinking time. Those months taught me that he didn't have enough attention to really focus on me and my life and my issues. I trained myself to keep things to myself because I learned the hard way that I couldnt expect real support from him.

I told him that all the wounds of his drinking days, (which only ended in last July!!), felt very fresh to me. I explained that even when I was abroad this summer I had had nightmares about some of the fights that we had. Then I told him that now that I am back in the apartment, every time he opens the freezer, my stomach goes into knots. The physical memories/scars of his drinking remain. He listened to all this and said he understood.

So yes...it's true that I don't yet trust him. Of course I knew that before I came home a few weeks ago, but somehow now that I have been back in his presence, I forgot about that mistrust and just want to trust him again quickly and so badly. Why? because he seems so different, and speaks so differently and seems so healthy and calm. But that is an appearance. Of course he is still in turmoil on the inside, and his life on the outside is still so uncertain. Trust is not going to be there yet, and I shouldnt be surprised by that.

As you all wisely pointed out, more will be revealed with time. Almost every moment it seems, I need to refocus myself because its so astoundingly easy for me to drift away from my own self.

I need to turn my attention to myself again and again and again. Gently.

Titanic

Give each of your recoveries time before deciding to start relationship counseling. That takes the treatment back-seat.

emeraldsea

I get it in theory, but I am having a lot of difficulty understand how these 'wait and see timelines' work in practice.

As soon as I start thinking about how I need to wait and see what unfolds, that seems to undermine the entire point of a relationship and the whole structure of who we are to each other and how we behave starts to unravel in my head.

I guess what it boils down to is this feeling: If there can be no trust, or commitment for X amount of time, AND no ability to work on our relationship for X amount of time, then what point do I have being here at all right now? Is it foolish to even have hope? Or is that just setting myself up?

Setting aside couples therapy, there are so many practical day to day decisions that seem to depend on whether we are even trying to stay together.

On a basic level, do we continue to act like a couple? Depend on each others support like couples do? Have dates and dinners and physical affection? Talk on the phone at night before bed? We have been doing all these things and its been nice, though undeniably confusing too.

In terms of the current living situation, if I cant trust us as a couple for X amount of time, should I just move out of our apartment for this waiting period? or wait and see? It felt more disruptive for my own life to move out right when I got back to the city after a summer away.

More generally, given that my graduate degree program is ending this year, I am forced to consider major decisions about my future in the next few months. Do I leave him out of the equation entirely when I look for a job? Do I look for a job only in the same city? I guess the only reasonable answer to the job question is that I will conduct my search without limiting myself based on him.

But the here and now leaves me baffled.

I am so confused about where to draw the lines. All the rules seems to be shifting under my feet. And I dont know how to steady myself.