I can feel the change...

Old 08-31-2012, 03:43 AM
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I can feel the change...

Here I am, almost 4 months since AH walked out on me and family and relapsed after 9 months of sobriety. Those first few months were really all feels like a blur. I am doing all the textbook things: counseling, Alanon, journaling, SR, I am moving in the right direction.

Before, I could literally feel myself fully engulfed in separated AH drama. I was obsessing about the mistress, getting as much info about her, trying to divide all finances, going to attorney, wanting to drink myself or throw myself into another unhealthy romantic entanglement since I was so assualted by my AH, mind, body and soul. I am Inot even going there mentally anymore.

I know I need to work on some things: less contact since we have a 4 year old girl, working my Steps and detaching. I feel healthy and smart and like the worst is behind me. I know I'm not healed, I have so much more work to do but I can honestly say my life is more peaceful. Don't get me wrong, I fall down and have moments of getting sucked in, but the difference is those moments are fewer and I'm not as heavily affected by him as I once was, so proud of myself for that.

I am focusing on me, my children...I still think about him deeply and hope and pray for his recovery on a daily basis but that's in my spirit, not in my actions. I realize its ok to want the best for him but its no longer my concern what he does. I did go 1 full week with no contact and I felt like my daughter suffered because she is only 4 and certain things slipped thru the cracks so since that week I've decided just to do my best and control my emotions when I interact. Again, I fall down...but I recover at a faster pace and I look forward to the day I am healed.

You hear it all the time in these circles, progress..not perfection. I am happy to report, I am progressing...
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Old 08-31-2012, 04:43 AM
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So good to hear honey.

We get stronger everyday.

You inspire us. xo
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:01 AM
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Oh thank you Sweetteewalls for posting this. I am so glad for you. What an accomplishment. And having left my AH 2 months ago, I am weary, but moving forward, and it is so good to have you as an example.

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stepsforward (08-31-2012)
Old 08-31-2012, 06:31 AM
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I love positive posts!!!!!
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:37 AM
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I'm glad to hear you're doing so much better. My A finally left this week and it's been really difficult for me. I know I'll be better in time. Thanks for sharing your progress, you're an inspiration.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:53 AM
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I would have to agree the worst is behind you.

Allow yourself time, it will get easier.

It is so difficult when you have a child. I would limit communication to emails/texts. Say what you need and be done.

The kids have one healthy parent and that is you. The child is only 4, I am certain you are able to meet all her needs. Stay in your today. As long as I held on to a parental expectation of my ex-husband, I kept stumbling and hitting a brick wall. I had to accept it was my expectation and not my child's expectation that was causing me so much pain.

We were no longer a two parent household, and if he was missing out on things, it was because of his choices, and actions.

Sending you strength and wishing you peace.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:55 AM
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Thank you for posting, Sweeteewalls. I am also slowly getting better, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The longer I go without contact with AXBF, the further removed from the sickness and chaos, the stronger I get.
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