abandonedluv

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and support. I do have some great people around me and am trying my best to be around them as much as I can. I am also an avid reader and will pick up many of these suggestions as a method of healing and understanding, what exactly I was involved in here. Just trying to push trough each day and not look back. This is an immense amount of pain, so it's easier said than done not to dwell...

abandonedluv

I do feel silly for allowing myself to be victimized like this. There were so many signs. But while I remained in denial that someone could be this way, I sank deeper and deeper. I feel so humiliated because I can only imagine what he has told the people around him. But again, I can never believe a word he says so who knows if he has told a soul. He claims he is taking off to "think" and talk to his family and disappears only to return reeking of beers. In the middle of our most serious conversation, he was leaving the room to go chug beers out of my fridge. Then coming back to sit and talk. I just found the empty cans under my couch this morning. I feel like I am in a nightmare. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined THIS is who he was. A drunk, yes. Immature, yes. But it sends shivers down my spine that I slept next to this person and loved this person for so long when all along he was this rotten on the inside.

I lay awake all night with horrible thoughts in my head? What else is he capable of? How many times has he cheated? I probably have some horrible, incurable STD...its he11. I need to get through this, get tested and hope to God I am ok and can live through this. And come out the other end alive.

The worst part is, my mother is my best friend and I can not tell her. She is an old school woman, who complains everyday about not having grandchildren yet. This would break her heart and worse my decision would not be my own once I told her. But how I will make it through without her? I don't know.

I feel immense guilt for the spirit of this poor child. But I can not do this to a poor innocent. I have no job. Been coasting on savings and working on my music for about a year now. He does construction piece work besides being on the road all the time playing drums. And what? I have a child who only sees daddy when he is drunk or we are in court? Besides the obvious risks: poverty, single parenthood there are the genes of this psychotic, sociopathic, addict.. A child like that would need dependable, reliable caregiving with a consistent source of discipline. Stable role models and archetypes. Just to ensure a happy healthy life in adulthood. I CAN NOT provide this right now. And it would be left, wholly up to me. I am not prepared. or ready. or equipped.

I used to judge (women in this situation) so harshly. I guess this is my lesson....

And then, the thought of spending the rest of my life getting updates on this persons whereabouts. What he would expose our child to when he had it. The torment and disrespect I would be subjected to as the mother of his child. I already ache for the poor woman who falls for him and doesnt get the opportunity to choose. And those poor, poor children....

HOW DID I GET HERE????

I am off to therapy now. I will be telling my therapist for the first time what has transpired. I know it will feel good. I'm just sick of the tears. I don't know if I have any left...

Learn2Live

I have benefited from "In Sheep's Clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People," by George Simon. Here is a link to my post listing the manipulation tactics people use against you that Dr. Simon lists in his book. The list really opened my eyes to who exactly I have been dealing with these last years:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html

It is good to get smart about how you are being used and manipulated. It has given me great understanding and therefore, strength. Please take good care of yourself and learn as much as you can about how this sicko in your life operates.

SettingSunset

Abandonedluv - I am so sorry to read your story. I won't give you advice.

How can a guy profess his love and then not love you ...all in a week??? I am learning that is alcoholism.

We have a wonderful son (married with children) who has always loved us. Recently he sent an email saying I was cruel and mean. He attacked a friend who has stood by him since they were 16 years old.

How??? Alcoholism. That is what I think.

I guess there is hope for recovery. Do you know only 3% recovery from this dreaded disease? That is what I have been told in Open AA meetings. That is what an alcoholic friend of mine told me. I am fortunate to have two people I know who are in that 3%. I so pray for our son to be in that 3% (now that we stopped enabling).

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sanity2012

When I tell my therapist I am tired of crying, he asks me why. I respond that I should be getting better and he asks me whose time table "getting better" goes by. I said mine. I think I should get a new watch because obviously I cannot tell what MY time table is. There is no quick fix to this roller coaster. You will cry enough to quench a desert. I feel like I am my own pity party of one. But as the song says, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. Hang in there!

ObstructedView

(((hugs)))

He may be an addict, but his evil is in his soul. He fooled you because that's part of his pathology. This wasn't about you, it was about him don't beat yourself up over being naive, clearly he's been refining his skills.

I'm really sorry you are faced with this decision. Please try to speak with someone. This is a lot of stress.

onlythetruth

Abandonedluv:

Your BF is obviously addicted to alcohol, but there is clearly more to it than that. I am betting that my husband (a shrink) would say he has antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder--which frequently co-occur with addiction. If this is true, then even if he quits drinking he will still be like this, and people with APD or NPD almost never get better. They do not think anything is wrong with them.

It might be helpful to you to read up on these disorders...knowledge can be power, IMHO. There's a book called "Malignant Narcissism" written by someone with NPD which is wonderful, both scary and fascinating at the same time.

And...God, good luck with this. My heart goes out to you.

Florence

Narcissism, if that's what this is, and that's what this looks like in my experience, is absolutely toxic. There is really no other way to deal with it other than to see it for exactly what it is and choose not to engage with it. At all.

I have absolutely no judgement for you. I had one baby with an abuser and another baby with an alcoholic (I found out I was pregnant while he was in his 2nd of three rehabs). Pregnancy is what happens as a result of heterosexual sex, NOT a moral failure, and NOT a judgement on your person. Whatever you decide to do next, protect yourself from him. And use protection. That's the only advice I'll give.

(((((hugs)))))

Mightyqueen801

I am sorry to hear this awful pain you are going through. I have no words of advice beyond that of what everyone else has said--Just wanted to add my voice to those who care.