scacra1

So... weekends always fill me full of dread as to whatever my A will get up to.
This weekend however is totally different.
We were looking at his emails... when an email came through from a woman saying 'shame you never called me, i enjoyed our chat on the train' hope to hear from you soon.
for those that didn't read my post i asked for some space from him last weekend, he went to his mothers to see the children, got the train back and was extremely drunk... now obviously he has been chatting up another woman. To date he never cheated, and this is the first instance of this... i know he hasn't made further contact with him... but still, what hes done is not good enough.
he claims, he was drunk (true) that the last few times we spent time together i was cold and distant, (true) he was very honest and admitted to wanting an ego boost, (w@nker) and never had any intention of following up (prob true but the damage is done)
so why will i not just let him go? i dont know what he contributes to the relationship any more, other than hurt, upset, making me feel ill, lack of trust, and many of my tears.
I got him to pack his things when i saw the email from her, he got as far as the door, and then i said.. can you stay tonight and we will talk tomorrow.. i dont want to split up on nasty terms.. lets talk everything through and be peaceful about all this?
WTF?? why didn't i just let him go? Why am i so weak? I usually criticise people who behave like this.. and now im one of them.
so on top of the months worth of stress that i have been under due to him, work, and trying to complete and MSC at the same time, now i seem to have changed into somebody that i dont like.
i honesty feel that i am at the lowest point of my life ever and know that the route cause of this is him... so why do i lack the ability to deal with it???

TakingCharge999

Hi scacra1,

Don't be so harsh with yourself...

Any chance you would consider therapy ? individual therapy has helped me more than I can ever describe.

I have done similar things and worse. To me the root cause has not been ex boyfriends or anyone else.

The root cause of my toxic behaviors have been:

-my lack of self worth and self love.

- need for protection. I never felt protected as a kid. My dad was physically absent all my life and my mom has been depressed and neglected me. OK it was not THAT bad considering other people's lives, but I still believe somewhere deep that ANY kind of attention is better than being ignored/abandoned.



I hope you can get to therapy so there is a safe place where you can understand where you are coming from, and start healing. Often, we repeat the patterns we learned as children.

Good luck with the M Sc, you are a smart woman. I hope you feel better soon.

dandylion

Dear scacra, It isn't that easy to break-up---not if you have invested your self into the relationshhip. Any time I went through a break-up without feeling much pain was when I had "left" the relationship prior to the formal "break-up". In other words, I had already been detaching over a period of time.

I think all relationships that occur rather suddenly, after a significant investment, requires a grieving process---UGH!

I don't think this is weakness on your part. Don't make yourself feel even worse by beating up on yourself on top of everything else. You need to be good to yourself and heal.

What kinds of support do you have? We all need support when we are hurting.

Please keep posting here. You are not alone.

dandylion

Katiekate

I'm not sure what you feel ashamed about, unless being human is shameful.

Reading around this section of the forum I see so many of us just beating the crap out of ourselves for the actions of others. It is normal, when you are in a relationship , with anyone, you Love, to want to work things out, talk things through, understand things.

Would you feel differently if he were not an A. People in relationships have affairs, and they work things through, IMO, you are just reacting in very a normal way, something happened, you want to understand it.

Maybe just maybe, talking it through with him will just give you more insight as to what it is you want for yourlife, understanding the A's thinking, I didn't see where you said, it's okay, you can stay, honey, it's okay to be human, just don't let him manipulate and blindside you, blame you, it's on him, walk away if this becomes your fault. You are getting stronger.

Love to you Katie

Love to you

Hypatia

But you ARE dealing with it. You aren't just sitting back and twiddling your thumbs and saying "yes dear, whatever you want dear..."

It can be tough when you don't feel like you are seeing any progress. For now, you are just going to have to believe me when I say that you are progressing. You are thinking, learning, posting, reading.... and these are all part of dealing with it. Depending on the situation, it is sometimes even better to take it slow rather than rushing into panicked reaction and later wondering if perhaps there might have been a better way.

So don't feel bad that you have chosen to discuss the situation a bit more. It may help clarify things for you and help you plan a future course of action. Nothing wrong with that.

LifeRecovery

For me recovery has been a slow process.

Often I am doing a lot of internal work and on the outside it does not appear any progress is happening....then bam in a short period I make a large number of changes all at once and surprise people.

In addition I would not have been ready to let go a moment before I actually did it. That is okay, that is why I strive for progress, not perfection because I already have ridiculous ideals for myself.

Beating myself up only made me feel worse, and kept me more trapped on the merry go round. Be as gentle with yourself as you can.

fourmaggie

the 3As

AWARENESS
ACCEPTANCE

ACTION

i think you are in a great spot...your in the action part...you do have choices, and that is what you are looking for....

keep up the good work!

changeschoices

We could all ask ourselves the same question. Why do we stay? Because we love them, because we are invested in the relationship, because we are not alcoholics and thus try to make our relationships work.

But it's not acceptable for him to drive you away and destroy your feelings for him through his drinking, and then blame you for being distant and "driving him" to seek attention from other women. Nope, not your fault. Alcoholism is the problem here, not your coldness. Instead of seeking attention, he could GET HELP. That's the correct way to handle things. Instead, he has further increased your distrust and alienation.

I used to dread weekends, too. We all need to unwind and relax from our work lives and home chores. I eventually left my A in large part because I was a stressed-out mess from his weekend insanity from drinking. It got to the point where I could never relax. It was no way to live.

Is my A out hitting on other women now? It's possible. But I believe that I am valuable enough to say "no more" to his addiction, and thus I feel that he is a fool for not valuing me. He can go out and do whatever he wants now, but I've preserved my value and dignity.

NYCDoglvr

Please don't beat yourself up. It's "progress not perfection" as the Big Book says. My denial kept me on a seemingly endless treadmill until the day came when I couldn't stand it one more second. After that it was fairly easy.

scacra1

Hi Everyone,
Your comments mean a lot and have made me feel much stronger about myself.
So A and i have really reached a a crunch point now. Wrongly or rightly i could always see a way for us to fight his alcoholism, he can get help and together we can try... so far his alcoholism hasn't got a to a point that we cant return from.. (yet!) however, spending 40 minutes on a train talking with another woman to the point where he gave her his email address... well thats something different, he has let another person into our relationship and i WONT accept that.
Honestly.. did he cheat? do i think he would follow it up? NO...but that this was time.. what about next time? as he gets drunker and his alcoholism progresses....
This is my action point, i just cant decide the action!
so far, he is still here, and we have chatted to the point where he knows my feelings... "if nothing changes... nothing changes" something now needs to be different..
so he's waiting for my conclusion, i just dont know what to do, just blatantly kick him out? have a trial separation? tell him if he cant get help then we cant be together?
Anyone any ideas?!
My problem is i still love him so, and seem to be struggling to want to part with him, mainly because to an extent he controls his alcoholism, i don't feel the full pain of it.. worse case.. hes a bit tipsy Friday and Saturday night, and everyone in a while when stressed he will go on a binge... i know that wont last though, and were just delaying the inevitable.
As another action point.. we were due to be getting married in June, that's now not going to happen....
Any action ideas would be greatly received friends?
thanks!

Katiekate

Maybe you need to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with.

Set your boundries and then stick to them.

LifeRecovery

It was an affair that finally got my head out of the sand and dealing with both the affair and the alcohol.

Al-Anon, learning about addiction etc helped with both.

I also realize that even though I knew I had to make a decision, I gave myself a time frame of six months so I did not have the extra pressure to do the decision yesterday. If I did not I would have continued in the obsessive craziness and gong from emergency to emergency, and never would have dealt with the real feelings.