Comfort from an Alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Comfort from an Alcoholic
VENT ALERT!
My father passed away two years ago this week. I'm dealing with it, but it still makes me sad around this time of year. On the anniversary day, it turned out it was the day of my home ALANON meeting, yeah for me! I get home & the great chili cook off explosion happened in the kitchen & AW is passed out on the couch. Well at least there's peace & quiet! In the morning she tells me she is going out with her mother that night because her mother is going in for surgery & this will be her last chance for a few weeks to go out with her (read go out drinking with her). OK, that's somewhat reasonable.......I guess. So I start empathizing with her about her being nervous about her mothers upcoming surgery (not an emergency or life threatening surgery, but a surgery nonetheless) & thinking of ways I can be supportive to her while dealing with my stuff. AW has not said anything to me about my fathers death or asked how I was doing, after all she is concerned about going out with her mother. I find out this morning that the surgery is more than a week away! Last chance to go out? How about the 8 days in between!?!?!? I feel like I wasted all that energy feeling empathy for her & I get no consideration. If that isn't what emotionally unavailable is then I have a very distorted view of it!
OhBoy
My father passed away two years ago this week. I'm dealing with it, but it still makes me sad around this time of year. On the anniversary day, it turned out it was the day of my home ALANON meeting, yeah for me! I get home & the great chili cook off explosion happened in the kitchen & AW is passed out on the couch. Well at least there's peace & quiet! In the morning she tells me she is going out with her mother that night because her mother is going in for surgery & this will be her last chance for a few weeks to go out with her (read go out drinking with her). OK, that's somewhat reasonable.......I guess. So I start empathizing with her about her being nervous about her mothers upcoming surgery (not an emergency or life threatening surgery, but a surgery nonetheless) & thinking of ways I can be supportive to her while dealing with my stuff. AW has not said anything to me about my fathers death or asked how I was doing, after all she is concerned about going out with her mother. I find out this morning that the surgery is more than a week away! Last chance to go out? How about the 8 days in between!?!?!? I feel like I wasted all that energy feeling empathy for her & I get no consideration. If that isn't what emotionally unavailable is then I have a very distorted view of it!
OhBoy
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hello. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that i hear you. Im sorry that you are feeling down right now. There is good reason. Losing someone is always hard. It doesnt matter how much time has passed....its still hard. You seem to be driving in the right direction. Keep posting here. We are here for you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
While you are focused on being a good spouse and providing emotional support in someone's time of need, the alcoholic is focused on getting more alcohol. To assume that an alcoholic or addict can or will provide any measure of emotional support to you will only continue to hurt you.
Right. Because you DID waste all your energy on someone who is never going to give back. Better to use your energy on yourself and seeking the support you need from those people and things that can actually give it to you.
I feel like I wasted all that energy feeling empathy for her & I get no consideration.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I feel your pain. My dad passed away last December and his birthday was in May. I went to AH in his office and was sad and asked for a hug. He asked why and I said, "It's my dad's birthday today." He just shrugged and said, "Oh." He gave me a hug and went back to reading his emails.
I'm sorry you are suffering, I know how it feels to give and not get back. I agree with L2L, put that energy on yourself and remind yourself that you can give all you want to an A, but that it usually is not reciprocated. If you can grasp that reality, then you can give without expectations of something in return. I haven't gotten to that point yet, LOL! Actually, I have a LONG LONG way to go! So very sorry about your loss and I will keep you in my thoughts today.
I'm sorry you are suffering, I know how it feels to give and not get back. I agree with L2L, put that energy on yourself and remind yourself that you can give all you want to an A, but that it usually is not reciprocated. If you can grasp that reality, then you can give without expectations of something in return. I haven't gotten to that point yet, LOL! Actually, I have a LONG LONG way to go! So very sorry about your loss and I will keep you in my thoughts today.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Comfort from an alcoholic = going to the hardware store for bread. It's not going to be there, and its highly likely it won't ever be.
What you are seeking...empathy, consideration, emotion...you won't find these in an active addicts life. So if these things are important to you in a relationship, best to consider the shelf life of this one.
So sorry about your Dad's passing, by the way. Prayers,
~T
What you are seeking...empathy, consideration, emotion...you won't find these in an active addicts life. So if these things are important to you in a relationship, best to consider the shelf life of this one.
So sorry about your Dad's passing, by the way. Prayers,
~T
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
“It’s my only night off from work so it’s my only chance to drink”
“I had a really rough night at work I deserve a drink get off my back”
“Well I hadn’t seen the kid in 5 years so we had a few beers to celebrate” All reasons my ABF gave me.
They come up with an excuse to drink every time. Or a lie. Or any reason to convince you or themselves that there is a reason to drink. They ALWAYS have a reason and its ALWAYS bull.
I am sorry she isn’t being supportive but what do you expect? She cares about no one but herself. All addicts are selfish. She can’t be there for you while she is actively using/drinking. And how supportive can you be while passing out on the couch?
She will always expect 100 percent from you and give nothing back. As tough as it can be you might as well stop expecting her to ever change until she stops drinking. I am sorry if I am coming off harsh here but I just got a call from my ABF who is jail and I am just sick to death of seeing all these people used and manipulated by people like him.
It’s not fair at all whatsoever. She sat there and let you comfort her over a simple sugary that she lied about. That’s all addicts do. Lie lie lie lie lie for no reason! She could have told you the surgery was in a week. No reason to lie about it but of course she did.
And of course she doesn’t even think about you or what you’re going through. I would turn to friends or other family members for support. Brothers or sisters? Someone else who was close with your Father…cos you’re not going to get any sort of support from your AW. I’m very sorry for that. I know what it’s like and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I’m also very sorry for your loss.
“I had a really rough night at work I deserve a drink get off my back”
“Well I hadn’t seen the kid in 5 years so we had a few beers to celebrate” All reasons my ABF gave me.
They come up with an excuse to drink every time. Or a lie. Or any reason to convince you or themselves that there is a reason to drink. They ALWAYS have a reason and its ALWAYS bull.
I am sorry she isn’t being supportive but what do you expect? She cares about no one but herself. All addicts are selfish. She can’t be there for you while she is actively using/drinking. And how supportive can you be while passing out on the couch?
She will always expect 100 percent from you and give nothing back. As tough as it can be you might as well stop expecting her to ever change until she stops drinking. I am sorry if I am coming off harsh here but I just got a call from my ABF who is jail and I am just sick to death of seeing all these people used and manipulated by people like him.
It’s not fair at all whatsoever. She sat there and let you comfort her over a simple sugary that she lied about. That’s all addicts do. Lie lie lie lie lie for no reason! She could have told you the surgery was in a week. No reason to lie about it but of course she did.
And of course she doesn’t even think about you or what you’re going through. I would turn to friends or other family members for support. Brothers or sisters? Someone else who was close with your Father…cos you’re not going to get any sort of support from your AW. I’m very sorry for that. I know what it’s like and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I’m also very sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I am sorry you are down right now. I can't recall a time when my XABF was ever there when I really needed him for emotional support or whatever! Too self absorbed or can't handle. Whatever the excuse! Funny (not really) but your always their for them even when your put thru hell! You have something come up....better go find someone else in your time of need! There is a lot of support here! Take care of yourself and hoping you will be feel better soon.
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