Free.....finally
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 45
Free.....finally
Hi All,
I haven't posted in a while. To be honest, I didn't because I felt guilty. Guilty of knowing so much about the disease, reading so much of people's experiences here, having so many of them literally seem like we lived in the same house, and still I stayed. I felt like I had let all ya'll down. The codie in me stayed with my ABF even though I have been through hell and back with him for the last 4 years. But something stayed with me this whole time I have been quiet. I kept coming back and reading thru the forum and still my spirit was done. I tried, he quit drinking (for 3 whole weeks then fell off the wagon...AGAIN). I got angry. Angry at all the madness he put me through, angry at the venom that spewed out of his mouth towards me, angry that 2 years ago during an argument, he spit in my face. To this day despite all he's done to me that was the worst. Angry that he hit me, angry at myself for staying for so long. Then he became nice. He quit drinking...again but this time he was nice, said he loved me, said he realized how bad and wrong he was and he was sorry. So sorry. I must add that this was after he went to help out somewhere and came back drunk, took the car and a few hours later called me at work to tell me the car had been stolen. So we call the police and file a report. I was soo livid I threw him out of the house. I had to pick up my son at school by cab, get whole new keys to the house etc. Anyway the next morning I was at the bus stop with my son when I receive a call from the oil change place he takes the car to.....he FORGOT the car there!! Turns out he took the car for an oil change, walked accross the street to the liqour store and forgot where the car was so he thought it was stolen!! That was it for me. I was done. With the alcohol, the drama, the foolishness. But still I stayed, but it got harder to stay, to look at him and see all that he had done to me. I tried to forgive him but I couldn't. Everyday he was nicer and kinder but it just irked me more. I couldn't believe that he was capable of being a reasonable human being and didn't. I couldn't believe the crap he put me and my son thru. And I couldn't forgive him and start over even though I love him. I felt like I was waiting for the shoe to drop, for him to relapse again and if he even got short with me I overreacted. I was in hyper-defensive mode. So I asked him to leave and he did. Last Friday he left. So I spent Saturday celebrating. The peace, the quiet, the not having to second guess myself whenever I made any kind of decision, having to cancel or delay any plans I made coz HE didn't wanna go, not talking to my friends when I wanted to and most of all the constant accusations of cheating on him ( which I never have). It became unbearable for me and no matter how hard I tried my gut would not stop twisting over this. Yesterday was different, I miss him, I miss the fun times albeit few and far between, I miss just him. So I took my son shopping (great therapy) and I'm trying to keep myself busy. And even though I miss him, I don't want him back. I like being alone, I'm enjoying my son, the peace, the quiet, the dog, just being. And I know I made the right choice coz my gut's quiet now. I really owe all of this to SR.
. I've gotten the best here (including what I didn't want to hear) and I'm glad I found this forum. Sorry for the long post 
I haven't posted in a while. To be honest, I didn't because I felt guilty. Guilty of knowing so much about the disease, reading so much of people's experiences here, having so many of them literally seem like we lived in the same house, and still I stayed. I felt like I had let all ya'll down. The codie in me stayed with my ABF even though I have been through hell and back with him for the last 4 years. But something stayed with me this whole time I have been quiet. I kept coming back and reading thru the forum and still my spirit was done. I tried, he quit drinking (for 3 whole weeks then fell off the wagon...AGAIN). I got angry. Angry at all the madness he put me through, angry at the venom that spewed out of his mouth towards me, angry that 2 years ago during an argument, he spit in my face. To this day despite all he's done to me that was the worst. Angry that he hit me, angry at myself for staying for so long. Then he became nice. He quit drinking...again but this time he was nice, said he loved me, said he realized how bad and wrong he was and he was sorry. So sorry. I must add that this was after he went to help out somewhere and came back drunk, took the car and a few hours later called me at work to tell me the car had been stolen. So we call the police and file a report. I was soo livid I threw him out of the house. I had to pick up my son at school by cab, get whole new keys to the house etc. Anyway the next morning I was at the bus stop with my son when I receive a call from the oil change place he takes the car to.....he FORGOT the car there!! Turns out he took the car for an oil change, walked accross the street to the liqour store and forgot where the car was so he thought it was stolen!! That was it for me. I was done. With the alcohol, the drama, the foolishness. But still I stayed, but it got harder to stay, to look at him and see all that he had done to me. I tried to forgive him but I couldn't. Everyday he was nicer and kinder but it just irked me more. I couldn't believe that he was capable of being a reasonable human being and didn't. I couldn't believe the crap he put me and my son thru. And I couldn't forgive him and start over even though I love him. I felt like I was waiting for the shoe to drop, for him to relapse again and if he even got short with me I overreacted. I was in hyper-defensive mode. So I asked him to leave and he did. Last Friday he left. So I spent Saturday celebrating. The peace, the quiet, the not having to second guess myself whenever I made any kind of decision, having to cancel or delay any plans I made coz HE didn't wanna go, not talking to my friends when I wanted to and most of all the constant accusations of cheating on him ( which I never have). It became unbearable for me and no matter how hard I tried my gut would not stop twisting over this. Yesterday was different, I miss him, I miss the fun times albeit few and far between, I miss just him. So I took my son shopping (great therapy) and I'm trying to keep myself busy. And even though I miss him, I don't want him back. I like being alone, I'm enjoying my son, the peace, the quiet, the dog, just being. And I know I made the right choice coz my gut's quiet now. I really owe all of this to SR.
. I've gotten the best here (including what I didn't want to hear) and I'm glad I found this forum. Sorry for the long post 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
My separation is still pretty fresh like yours. I also had gotten to the point where it was all just too much. I am now peaceful ensconced in my own place. Cable and internet turned on today. Decorating, cleaning, laundry, buying groceries, making future plans...all of it. I am finding I am not missing him as much as I thought I would. It's more of a sadness about what could have been than missing anything that existed in reality.
I am very goal oriented. So, I took last night and wrote out a list of goals that I wanted for myself and my life. I feel like I have control again after having lived so long without knowing when the next shoe would drop. I feel stronger for having lived literally my worst fear ever. My worst fear did happen, and guess what? I'm still standing and I am actually looking foward to the future.
I am happy to hear that you are at peace. There still may be those days in which you miss the dream that you used to dream in order to live your life with an AH. But remember, it was only that, a fantasy you had to have in order to tolerate living with an alcoholic. It's sad to read all of these stories, of hopes crushed, dreams disintegrated. But, it's also inspiring to read about the people who came through the other side.
I am very goal oriented. So, I took last night and wrote out a list of goals that I wanted for myself and my life. I feel like I have control again after having lived so long without knowing when the next shoe would drop. I feel stronger for having lived literally my worst fear ever. My worst fear did happen, and guess what? I'm still standing and I am actually looking foward to the future.
I am happy to hear that you are at peace. There still may be those days in which you miss the dream that you used to dream in order to live your life with an AH. But remember, it was only that, a fantasy you had to have in order to tolerate living with an alcoholic. It's sad to read all of these stories, of hopes crushed, dreams disintegrated. But, it's also inspiring to read about the people who came through the other side.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
he FORGOT the car there!! Turns out he took the car for an oil change, walked accross the street to the liqour store and forgot where the car was so he thought it was stolen!!
Limbogal, you seriously need to do some work with a therapist on how and why you chose to stay with a man who hit you and spit in your face. Seriously.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 45
Thanks all. It really is the dream I'm missing but I sure can't buy the peace his absence is bringing. I had to pay almost $1000 to get him to leave...what with the airline ticket and all (he's almost 3,000 miles away) but like someone else says here, it was the best money I ever spent. Learn2Live.....I am starting to see a therapist through my job's EAP. I know....the spit in my face thing boy I KNOW I will never forgive that one. But one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by limbogal 
Thanks all. It really is the dream I'm missing but I sure can't buy the peace his absence is bringing. I had to pay almost $1000 to get him to leave...what with the airline ticket and all (he's almost 3,000 miles away) but like someone else says here, it was the best money I ever spent. Learn2Live.....I am starting to see a therapist through my job's EAP. I know....the spit in my face thing boy I KNOW I will never forgive that one. But one day at a time.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by limbogal
Thanks all. It really is the dream I'm missing but I sure can't buy the peace his absence is bringing. I had to pay almost $1000 to get him to leave...what with the airline ticket and all (he's almost 3,000 miles away) but like someone else says here, it was the best money I ever spent. Learn2Live.....I am starting to see a therapist through my job's EAP. I know....the spit in my face thing boy I KNOW I will never forgive that one. But one day at a time.
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