Experience with protection/restraining orders?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Experience with protection/restraining orders?
I have a hearing on my temporary protection order soon. I would appreciate anyone sharing their experiences with them Since the criminal charges were not prosecuted I have let the worry creep in that it won't go well.
It will all rely on my testimony. I think my STBXAHhas a lawyer and I am feeling intimidated.
Anything you can share would help.
Thanks
MamaKit
It will all rely on my testimony. I think my STBXAHhas a lawyer and I am feeling intimidated.
Anything you can share would help.
Thanks
MamaKit
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
I have one. I got the temp first and then had a hearing. Fortunately he did not show up at the hearing, even if he had I'm sure I would have gotten it.
Do you have an advocate? I had a domestic violence advocate who was wonderful. She told me what to expect, she helped me file all of the right papers, and she was right there when I got to testify.
My testimony was basically his texts. I had printed out every one, almost 50 pages and I flagged the ones I wanted to read that were the most threatening.
My ex had violated the temp order by continuing to text me. I think that's why he didn't come to the hearing, there was a warrant for his arrest and he would have been arrested at the courthouse that day. When they served the 180 day, they arrested him.
His hearing just happened, he was found guilty of violating the order and got a $500 fine, 6 months of unsupervised probation, and 24 hours in jail.
Be sure to tell the court that you do feel intimidated, and scared of his actions. When I said "I am so tired of living like this", the judge actually said to me that this was the end of it.
Funny but true. My ex's uncle is the Circuit Court Judge in this county. He had sent me texts that said "The joke's on you, my uncle is the judge" and "you don't think anyone in this county will actually help you". Those were priceless in the courtroom.
Do you have an advocate? I had a domestic violence advocate who was wonderful. She told me what to expect, she helped me file all of the right papers, and she was right there when I got to testify.
My testimony was basically his texts. I had printed out every one, almost 50 pages and I flagged the ones I wanted to read that were the most threatening.
My ex had violated the temp order by continuing to text me. I think that's why he didn't come to the hearing, there was a warrant for his arrest and he would have been arrested at the courthouse that day. When they served the 180 day, they arrested him.
His hearing just happened, he was found guilty of violating the order and got a $500 fine, 6 months of unsupervised probation, and 24 hours in jail.
Be sure to tell the court that you do feel intimidated, and scared of his actions. When I said "I am so tired of living like this", the judge actually said to me that this was the end of it.
Funny but true. My ex's uncle is the Circuit Court Judge in this county. He had sent me texts that said "The joke's on you, my uncle is the judge" and "you don't think anyone in this county will actually help you". Those were priceless in the courtroom.
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Hi MamaKit,
I'm sorry I don't have any experience to share, but I wanted to say good luck and offer support and encouragement! I think, like XXXXXXXXXX said, documentation is really helpful. But, if you talk about what it has been like for you and how scared you have been, then that will go a long way!!
I'm sorry I don't have any experience to share, but I wanted to say good luck and offer support and encouragement! I think, like XXXXXXXXXX said, documentation is really helpful. But, if you talk about what it has been like for you and how scared you have been, then that will go a long way!!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Thanks Hydrogirl and XXXXXX,
I don't have any texts or other evidence that he violated the protection order or his condition of release (bail) since the arrest. Just my accounting of the death threat and the events the day before that lead up to it. The more I read on alcoholism and domestic violence the more afraid I become. I can't shake it today. I wrote myself a letter about how I'm feeling and it helped a bit. I keep thinking that if he read it it would turn on a lightbulb in his head. Why do I always go there? Thinking that I can change them.
There is good in him. I hope it just outweighs the rage.
My motto is ONWARD! But when you feel afraid it's hard to live up to.
I don't have any texts or other evidence that he violated the protection order or his condition of release (bail) since the arrest. Just my accounting of the death threat and the events the day before that lead up to it. The more I read on alcoholism and domestic violence the more afraid I become. I can't shake it today. I wrote myself a letter about how I'm feeling and it helped a bit. I keep thinking that if he read it it would turn on a lightbulb in his head. Why do I always go there? Thinking that I can change them.
There is good in him. I hope it just outweighs the rage.
My motto is ONWARD! But when you feel afraid it's hard to live up to.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by MamaKit 
My motto is ONWARD! But when you feel afraid it's hard to live up to.
I don't have any experience to share but wanted to send you some love.
Have you tried checking out the domestic violence advocate that was mentioned?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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A couple of things:
Depending on what state you are in, the rules for RO/POs are different. Getting a temporary one is easier than getting a permanent one. Even with a death threat and a deadly weapon in hand of the person who threatened me, I could not get a year-long PO where I live.
If you don't get the extended PO, don't panic. For most offenders, just having a temporary PO puts them on notice. If he does something that warrants you getting another temporary PO, it's not going to look good for him. He may or may not figure this out; you may have to go the temporary route a few times before you get an extended one.
Remember that whether you get a long-term PO/RO or not, it's only a piece of paper. It means if he violates it, he'll go to jail if you report the violation. So it will still take you reporting the slightest violation, and that is something you're going to have to work up the strength to do. I didn't -- I thought it was silly to report that he violated it by texting me. But because I didn't report that violation, he started calling me. And when I didn't report that violation, he showed up in the parking lot outside my office.
When you are dealing with this kind of individual, you have to act like you're dealing with an obstinate dog. Consistency all the way. If the RO says "no contact" it means NO CONTACT. He texts you, he leaves a note on your car, you report him.
And whether or not you have an RO/PO you need to protect yourself in other ways. Be aware of your surroundings. Ask friends to escort you to your car. Carry mace, unless you're used to handling firearms. And don't hesitate to use it. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to empower you. I don't carry a gun, I carry mace, because I'm not convinced I would be able to shoot the person I sought an RO against.
Just be smart. Be cautious. Even if you get the RO.
Depending on what state you are in, the rules for RO/POs are different. Getting a temporary one is easier than getting a permanent one. Even with a death threat and a deadly weapon in hand of the person who threatened me, I could not get a year-long PO where I live.
If you don't get the extended PO, don't panic. For most offenders, just having a temporary PO puts them on notice. If he does something that warrants you getting another temporary PO, it's not going to look good for him. He may or may not figure this out; you may have to go the temporary route a few times before you get an extended one.
Remember that whether you get a long-term PO/RO or not, it's only a piece of paper. It means if he violates it, he'll go to jail if you report the violation. So it will still take you reporting the slightest violation, and that is something you're going to have to work up the strength to do. I didn't -- I thought it was silly to report that he violated it by texting me. But because I didn't report that violation, he started calling me. And when I didn't report that violation, he showed up in the parking lot outside my office.
When you are dealing with this kind of individual, you have to act like you're dealing with an obstinate dog. Consistency all the way. If the RO says "no contact" it means NO CONTACT. He texts you, he leaves a note on your car, you report him.
And whether or not you have an RO/PO you need to protect yourself in other ways. Be aware of your surroundings. Ask friends to escort you to your car. Carry mace, unless you're used to handling firearms. And don't hesitate to use it. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to empower you. I don't carry a gun, I carry mace, because I'm not convinced I would be able to shoot the person I sought an RO against.
Just be smart. Be cautious. Even if you get the RO.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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STBAXH has been no contact. I guess that is a good sign. At first the no contact requirement was a condition of his release on the threatening charge. That has expired since the DA did not prosecute. Now the NC is ordered by the temporary order. This order also states he can't have contact with the kids which was not part of the earlier bail condition. I did not request that to be included but the judge just checks off boxes on a pre-made form. He had been talking to our boys by phone a couple times a week. He's currently out of state.
I have an opporunity to modify the order to allow communication with kids. Debating that in my head. I don't want to be accused of abusing the protection order to keep him from talking to the boys. More ammo he can use in what feels like a impending war. But I also don't want to give the impression that he wasn't abusive and threatening.
His phone conversations with the boys were ok with one exception when my youngest (9) told him he was still angry about what happened and AH responded "when are you going to get over it?" Ughh
I have an opporunity to modify the order to allow communication with kids. Debating that in my head. I don't want to be accused of abusing the protection order to keep him from talking to the boys. More ammo he can use in what feels like a impending war. But I also don't want to give the impression that he wasn't abusive and threatening.
His phone conversations with the boys were ok with one exception when my youngest (9) told him he was still angry about what happened and AH responded "when are you going to get over it?" Ughh
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 32
Hey Mamakit,
It may help to prepare yourself mentally: your STBXAH will tell the courtroom that you are a crazy psychob*tch. He will lie, exaggerate, manipulate, and blame you.
Hopefully the judge is familiar with DV and will see through that crap. But either way, hearing those things can be extraordinarily painful. In my own case, a trusted loved one advised me to be aware of this beforehand, accept that it's going to happen, and know my own true inner strength and value regardless of what some jerk has to say. That advice helped me immensely.
Good luck. Sending good thoughts your way.
It may help to prepare yourself mentally: your STBXAH will tell the courtroom that you are a crazy psychob*tch. He will lie, exaggerate, manipulate, and blame you.
Hopefully the judge is familiar with DV and will see through that crap. But either way, hearing those things can be extraordinarily painful. In my own case, a trusted loved one advised me to be aware of this beforehand, accept that it's going to happen, and know my own true inner strength and value regardless of what some jerk has to say. That advice helped me immensely.
Good luck. Sending good thoughts your way.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Hants
Posts: 16
I had no problem taking out a restraining order against my ex. The court was incredibly helpful and sympathetic (I was pregnant with twins at the time). The problem I had was getting the police to enforce it! In those days they were reluctant to get involved in "domestics". Hopefully things are different now! Good luck xx
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The problem I had was getting the police to enforce it! In those days they were reluctant to get involved in "domestics".
Sorry. Went on a rant there.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Thank you all.
Chrissy, great advice about his efforts to discredit me and you are absolutely right!
I have heard from several people around town that he his emailing them accusing me of making it all up to make him look bad. He's telling everyone I have been depressed for a long time and he's concerned for the welfare of his kids. That I'm evil.
Ironically, I think he's only making himself look worse. He's been asking them to write letters in support of him. No takers as far as I know. They all seem to see right through it.
I have ZERO worries about him discrediting me. My biggest mistake as a parent was trying to keep our family together with a rageful alcoholic making us all miserable.
I too hope that the judge sees right through this pattern abusers tend to follow.
Lillamy, I hadn't thought that I could go again for a temporary. Just that little nugget gave me great comfort.
I am imagining the worst possible things he could say about me and preparing myself to hear it.
MamaKit
Chrissy, great advice about his efforts to discredit me and you are absolutely right!
I have heard from several people around town that he his emailing them accusing me of making it all up to make him look bad. He's telling everyone I have been depressed for a long time and he's concerned for the welfare of his kids. That I'm evil.
Ironically, I think he's only making himself look worse. He's been asking them to write letters in support of him. No takers as far as I know. They all seem to see right through it.
I have ZERO worries about him discrediting me. My biggest mistake as a parent was trying to keep our family together with a rageful alcoholic making us all miserable.
I too hope that the judge sees right through this pattern abusers tend to follow.
Lillamy, I hadn't thought that I could go again for a temporary. Just that little nugget gave me great comfort.
I am imagining the worst possible things he could say about me and preparing myself to hear it.
MamaKit
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I remember at one of my hearings, my EX actually interrupted the judge to "tell him a thing or two." (insert collective gasp here)
The moment is one of those etched in my mind forever - the judge sternly telling him "Mr X let me make something perfectly clear. This is my court, these are my rules and no one in this room answers to you. Let me tell you how this is going to work...."
I walked out feeling much more empowered and confident. It was a beautiful thing.
The moment is one of those etched in my mind forever - the judge sternly telling him "Mr X let me make something perfectly clear. This is my court, these are my rules and no one in this room answers to you. Let me tell you how this is going to work...."
I walked out feeling much more empowered and confident. It was a beautiful thing.
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