Rayuk

Three years ago I entered into a relationship with a lovely woman, however it soon became very clear that she was an alcoholic, having fallen in love with her I decided that I wanted to stay with her and try and support her in any way that I could.

Over the 3 years there were numerous occasions where she would disappear for days at a time, only surfacing by finishing up in Hospital form where I would rescue her.

Again during this period there have been visits to the Hospital too numerous to mention, 4 occasions where she spent time in Mental Hospitals, and 3 spells in rehab. On one occasion when she was admitted to hospital all her organs stared to shut down and we were called in to say our last goodbyes, however she was put in a helicopter to London where she remained in a coma for 2 months finally making a full recovery, but back on the alcohol within 2 weeks, whilst she was in the coma I was making a daily 260 mile journey to just sit with her and talk to her.

At this point I should point out that everybody including her children, parents, brothers and friends had all given up on her and distanced themselves and were not prepared to help me, I was always on my own dealing with it without any support from anyone.

As I have a teenage Daughter living with me and not wanting to expose her to all of the traumas we never lived together but I spent a lot of time with her every single day.

Upon the advice of her counsellor who agreed that she could not just give up alcohol without proper treatment she should be allowed to drink 2 bottles of wine a day, and to this end it was agreed by everybody that I would take control of her finances.

In May of this year she started to lose a lot of weight, was vomiting all the time, became incontinent and was in a real mess, this I could not understand as I was only providing her with 2 bottles of wine each day. Then quite by accident I was horrified to discover that to get more alcohol she had been sleeping with not one, not 2 but three men who were plying her with alcohol for sexual favours.

Despite all this and after long conversations, she admitted that she had hit rock bottom and once again needed help and like a fool I yet once again stood by her.

5 weeks ago she went into rehab yet again for 2 weeks, since coming out she has for the first time attended all of her daily support sessions and seems very determined to overcome her problems ( but who knows ).

Last Tuesday she told me that she was determined to overcome her issues but was finding it hard and therefore no longer wanted me in her life !!!!!!

I am just so devasted, I loved this person so much and gave nothing but support, I have lost all my friends and feel that I have nobody right now, I do not think that I will ever get over this betrayal, much too painful to bear

Learn2Live

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/

fourmaggie

a 12 step program for you

and also i suggest you read "Co dependent no more" by Meloday Beattie...

being a people pleaser is hard in itself...but learning the word NO is soooo good...trust me, i have been there...

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Ray!

I'm glad you discovered this place, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. This is a wonderful resource of information and support. We understand having an alcoholic loved one. You are not alone.

I was caught up in my own addiction to my alcoholic loved one. I kept my focus on my alcoholic husband. I anticipated his needs, I cleaned up his messes, I cooked/cleaned/ironed/shopped for him. I tried to counsel him that his alcoholism was creating a financial problem in our family. I tried to beg his to stop. I tried to love him into stopping. I even drank with him so he wouldn't go out all the time.

After all that, do you know what changed? Me. I became a shell of my former self. I was doing for another adult what they could be doing for themself; and I was doing this to the negligence of my own life and the lives of my children. That describes my co-dependency. Doing for others what they can do for themselves while neglecting my own life.

Another poster pointed out that you may want to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (it's like the Bible on Codependency ~ and easy to read). I think that book helped me and continues to help me in all my relationships as I continue to re-read it. I also think you might benefit from the chapter on Grieving in "Codependent No More". I grieve during times of loss due to death, but also during the loss of relationships, community, jobs, sentimental objects, etc. Learning the stages and how they affect me has helped me to maintain my serenity in the face of grief.

I also found comfort, wisdom, and a good support network by attending face to face Al-anon support meetings. Those meetings taught me how to keep my focus on my own personal life, while establishing healthy boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in my life.

Reading and posting here are always beneficial. I find the experiences of others shared so openly helps me to understand my own recovery journey, and I find the strength of others keeps me going: One Day At A Time.

Cyranoak

This is the answer:

Cyranoak

Misguided

I'm sorry you have to go through this and educating yourself through meetings and/or books would be useful tools to help you cope and understand.

As an addict myself, I was told by my therapist I should not be in any type of relationship for the first year -- and that wasn't the only time that was mentioned to me. This may be something that is being suggested to her and she really wants to get better.

Going through recovery is emotional for everyone involved. I did not take the advice of my therapist, and I remained in the relationship I was involved in. He had to endure some pretty bad moods and attitudes from me. Luckily he has the patience to deal with it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I would not have lasted a month with a recovering alcoholic that acted the way I did.

Maybe she may not have handled it in the best way, but you should now focus on yourself if this is what she needs to get better. Support her by giving her the space she needs but be thankful that you don't have to be a superhero every time she lands herself in the hospital. It's a possibility when she clears her head, she'll come around (that's if you want to even pursue any type of friendship or relationship with her).