To Sober Parents in an Alcoholic Household
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
To Sober Parents in an Alcoholic Household
Hi, I'm Lily. I am a relationship junkie. I am a raging codependent. I am an adult child of (numerous) alcoholics. Just a little introduction. 
Today, I had a powerful meeting that touched every single person in the room. A watershed meeting if you will. During that meetings I shared some experience, strength, and hope that really helped someone out. I would like to share what that was with all of you.
One of the topics that was brought up was a mother concerned for her children because of the chaos resulting from the father's addiction and alcoholism.
In our meetings we go around the room, each person speaks or can choose to pass.
When it was mine turn, I said the following:
Well, I am not a parent so I actually cannot share from the perspective of raising kids amongst chaos. However, I can tell you what it is like to *be* a kid amongst chaos. Growing up, no one in my alcoholic household talked to me. At least not like a growing human, with feelings and a mind. However, there were adults outside of my household, who talked to me and paid attention to me throughout my childhood.
I remember all of them and the time and care they took to listen to me. It meant the world to me then and it still does today. They were teachers, guidance counselors, community leaders, and sometimes random people. Talking to me honestly and listening to me gently. The conversations provided some relief from my existence at home. It meant so much to me to just be treated like a person, with feelings and a heart and mind. They helped my HP give me a gentle push in the right direction. I will never forget those conversations or those people.
So listen to your babies. Be honest. Talk to them. One strong anchor when in a boat/ship at the middle of a stormy sea can make more difference than no anchor at all. No one in my family embraced recovery. So, that one sober parent embracing recovery can make so much difference by working his or her program. The voice of reason who leads by example.
I had teachers, guidance counselors, and people in the community who helped me. Imagine if one of my parents or family members helped me. Imagine what a difference that would have made to have just one family member embracing recovery.
I accept my life as is and I accept who I am. I am not ashamed to admit my faults. This is why it does not trouble me to admit my relationship junkie issues and my codependent issues. Acknowledging them is a part of my recovery. I just wanted to share my thoughts as a survivor of a chaotic household.
I also want to extend thanks to caring and concerned sober parents who are doing what they can for their babies. Its good to witness. Sometimes I think the sober parents are too hard on themselves. So, thank you for *at least* trying. No one in my family did, so I always have respect and appreciation for anyone in recovery. It gives me hope for brighter days.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. I intend to share more in the future.
Love and Light,
Lily
Love and Light,
Lily
Today, I had a powerful meeting that touched every single person in the room. A watershed meeting if you will. During that meetings I shared some experience, strength, and hope that really helped someone out. I would like to share what that was with all of you.
One of the topics that was brought up was a mother concerned for her children because of the chaos resulting from the father's addiction and alcoholism.
In our meetings we go around the room, each person speaks or can choose to pass.
When it was mine turn, I said the following:
Well, I am not a parent so I actually cannot share from the perspective of raising kids amongst chaos. However, I can tell you what it is like to *be* a kid amongst chaos. Growing up, no one in my alcoholic household talked to me. At least not like a growing human, with feelings and a mind. However, there were adults outside of my household, who talked to me and paid attention to me throughout my childhood.
I remember all of them and the time and care they took to listen to me. It meant the world to me then and it still does today. They were teachers, guidance counselors, community leaders, and sometimes random people. Talking to me honestly and listening to me gently. The conversations provided some relief from my existence at home. It meant so much to me to just be treated like a person, with feelings and a heart and mind. They helped my HP give me a gentle push in the right direction. I will never forget those conversations or those people.
So listen to your babies. Be honest. Talk to them. One strong anchor when in a boat/ship at the middle of a stormy sea can make more difference than no anchor at all. No one in my family embraced recovery. So, that one sober parent embracing recovery can make so much difference by working his or her program. The voice of reason who leads by example.
I had teachers, guidance counselors, and people in the community who helped me. Imagine if one of my parents or family members helped me. Imagine what a difference that would have made to have just one family member embracing recovery.
I accept my life as is and I accept who I am. I am not ashamed to admit my faults. This is why it does not trouble me to admit my relationship junkie issues and my codependent issues. Acknowledging them is a part of my recovery. I just wanted to share my thoughts as a survivor of a chaotic household.
I also want to extend thanks to caring and concerned sober parents who are doing what they can for their babies. Its good to witness. Sometimes I think the sober parents are too hard on themselves. So, thank you for *at least* trying. No one in my family did, so I always have respect and appreciation for anyone in recovery. It gives me hope for brighter days.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. I intend to share more in the future.
Love and Light,
Lily
Love and Light,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Lily,
Thank you for sharing that story. I am the sober parent in the alcoholic household (from which the AH is currently legally forbidden).
If you found hope and solace from those relatively transient people in your life it gives me hope that me and the many healthy friends and family I have will prove to be the anchor my boys need and that they can be ok.
I look forward to your future posts.
Gratefully,
MamaKit
Thank you for sharing that story. I am the sober parent in the alcoholic household (from which the AH is currently legally forbidden).
If you found hope and solace from those relatively transient people in your life it gives me hope that me and the many healthy friends and family I have will prove to be the anchor my boys need and that they can be ok.
I look forward to your future posts.
Gratefully,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Thank you so much Lily. I appreciate you sharing your ESH. It helps me so much to hear from you and others that have shared similar to you in my alanon meetings.
I too am grateful for the connections my kids have made with others in our community, some of that at times when it was very chaotic in our home.
Your sharing helps me to remember to be a gentle listener for my children as best I can since there were and sometimes still are times when that is not something that is easy for me to do even though I am the sober parent.
(((HUGS))) to you Lily.
I too am grateful for the connections my kids have made with others in our community, some of that at times when it was very chaotic in our home.
Your sharing helps me to remember to be a gentle listener for my children as best I can since there were and sometimes still are times when that is not something that is easy for me to do even though I am the sober parent.
(((HUGS))) to you Lily.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WOW!!!!! What an awesome share!!!!!
Thank you so much. I haven't heard or felt as much about a share in Alanon or ACOA like this one in years!!!!
Thank you for sharing your ES&H as a survivor.
Love and hugs,
Thank you so much. I haven't heard or felt as much about a share in Alanon or ACOA like this one in years!!!!
Thank you for sharing your ES&H as a survivor.
Love and hugs,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
ACoA over here too and I have to agree with Lily. Growing up in an alcoholic home, the alcoholic never pays any attention to you except in bad or negative ways. And the sober parent doesn't either because they are so busy trying to manage the household and the alcoholic. No one ever talks to you about you, or your dreams, or what happened to you that day, or your grades, or ANYTHING. The roles you read about we kids of alcoholics really do assume. All in support of the alcoholism, the disease. We lose our authentic selves and become some role. And we play that role forever. I'm still playing it and I can see very clearly how limited and stunted my life and my personality are because of what I was forced to be.
Wow, great share Lily. Thank you.
Wow, great share Lily. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thanks Lily.
I WAS the sober parent in an alocholic household. Now I'm the ONLY parent in a sober household. It's easier to be an 'only' parent than it is to be the 'sober one' with an active aloholic in the home. I'm a grateful member of al anon and my son (age 13) is in al ateen.
I look back at all the 'crazy years'...the ones where I was so full of anger and resentment at my exah...the ones where I was so busy trying to 'fix' my exah and deal with all the catastrophies and chaos that came with his addiction (and my unchecked codependent behavior) and I feel really sad that my son had to experience all of that. I know I wasn't always there for him because I was so lost in the chaos and pain.
Today, we're doing better. Today we laugh and we live in a peaceful, happy and healthy home. I wish my son had a healthy dad in his life but alcoholism has robbed him of that precious relationship. But he's got me. And he knows that I love him and I'd do anything to protect him and make his life better.
Thanks for reminding me WHY I'm doing what I do...and how important it is that I keep on doing it....day in and day out...even when it gets hard...and even when I'm tired. Things ARE better than they used to be. I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Your post helped me do that today. Thank you
I WAS the sober parent in an alocholic household. Now I'm the ONLY parent in a sober household. It's easier to be an 'only' parent than it is to be the 'sober one' with an active aloholic in the home. I'm a grateful member of al anon and my son (age 13) is in al ateen.
I look back at all the 'crazy years'...the ones where I was so full of anger and resentment at my exah...the ones where I was so busy trying to 'fix' my exah and deal with all the catastrophies and chaos that came with his addiction (and my unchecked codependent behavior) and I feel really sad that my son had to experience all of that. I know I wasn't always there for him because I was so lost in the chaos and pain.
Today, we're doing better. Today we laugh and we live in a peaceful, happy and healthy home. I wish my son had a healthy dad in his life but alcoholism has robbed him of that precious relationship. But he's got me. And he knows that I love him and I'd do anything to protect him and make his life better.
Thanks for reminding me WHY I'm doing what I do...and how important it is that I keep on doing it....day in and day out...even when it gets hard...and even when I'm tired. Things ARE better than they used to be. I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Your post helped me do that today. Thank you
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
ACoA over here too and I have to agree with Lily. Growing up in an alcoholic home, the alcoholic never pays any attention to you except in bad or negative ways. And the sober parent doesn't either because they are so busy trying to manage the household and the alcoholic. No one ever talks to you about you, or your dreams, or what happened to you that day, or your grades, or ANYTHING. The roles you read about we kids of alcoholics really do assume. All in support of the alcoholism, the disease. We lose our authentic selves and become some role. And we play that role forever. I'm still playing it and I can see very clearly how limited and stunted my life and my personality are because of what I was forced to be.
Wow, great share Lily. Thank you.
Wow, great share Lily. Thank you.
I could not have explained this better myself. Thank you for saying this!!
Lily
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Thanks for sharing.
It is good to hear from the Childs perspective. I worry everyday about how my ah's alcoholism has affected our 2 boys 10 & 6.
Ah is gone from us now and I am trying to be the best parent I can be, while trying to recover myself.
Your honesty is a god send today
It is good to hear from the Childs perspective. I worry everyday about how my ah's alcoholism has affected our 2 boys 10 & 6.
Ah is gone from us now and I am trying to be the best parent I can be, while trying to recover myself.
Your honesty is a god send today
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