android1

I started dating my wife about 2.5 years ago. She was in a bad spot living with her mother. So after a few months I asked her to move in.

We fell madly in love and got married a year later. About the time we got engaged I started to realize she had a problem with alcohol.

First is was one and a half bottles of wine a night and it progressed to a box of wine (6.5 bottles) lasting less than 3 days. With some vodka hidden around the house too.

If this story sounds familiar, it probable is.

Last fall I had her all signed up for rehab, she wanted out patient, they wanted in patient. But they had to give in to her. She said she didn't want everyone to know about her problem and she didn't want her daughters dad to try to take her away from her.

As I know know, almost a year later. Most anyone she is close to knows that she has a problem.

This spring she went on a binge and had some friends over. I work early some times and was not happy that she had some friends over (male and female) drinking with her.

She is a very social person when she drinks, when she doesn't drink she is very shy and timid. That is the side of her that I fell in love with. Not this my way or else, I'm going to flirt with every man, because it is my right.

Well we got in a big fight that night, I had to get up early, I tried to kick everyone out of the house. Bad idea, that embarrassed her and made her very angry. So I just went to bed.

The next day right after I get off work. One of her female friends comes to the house and tells me that she had been kissing another guy, in front of our 4 year old step daughter. And she thought that was wrong and wanted me to know.

I was pissed, this guy was the scum of the earth. I had had it with her, and I was glad the next day she took off with her sane friend. Well she got drunk again that night and wanted her friend to sty in the woods with her, but her friend had a husband at home and want up for this drunken rampage.

So I get a call from my wife's friend about 10pm at night saying that she had to leaver her, the friend was crying and frantic.

So I drove over an hour to pick her up, I felt I had to and I still wonder if I would not have would she have died. She was in bad shape.

So an the typical enabler I patched this up and we went on like it never happened.

A few weeks ago she told me she was in love with another man, and she was still in love with me too. That really hurt me and upset me. As she had always told me he was like a little brother to her, and I had even helped him out thinking that was there relationship. He had been away for a while and had just returned to town, and she was spending a lot of time with him.

Well a week of that and I had enough. I told her it is me or him and it is me or the alcohol. She told me it was me she wanted and left with him!!!!

I guess that was my answer. I told her I wanted a separation and that since we had to be out of our house in 20 days, we were moving to a new place, that we would get our own separate places.

Since then I have heard everything from, I want you back, like nothing ever happened. To lets get a divorce. And a lot of guilt trips. Like I'm not working for our marriage and I'm going to have to give my kid up to the state.

It has been one week today since the separation. From the friends she chose to stay with I conclude that she is choosing alcohol.

I think I am left cleaning and packing everything my self. I am blessed to have good family and friends who will help me pack and help me mentally keep on track. I am beginning to see how and why I got into this situation. I have learned a lot from this forum and other things online. I want to go to alanon, but I haven't yet. I'm partly afraid I'll be the only male

I feel like I'm becoming more alive and that a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks for listening to my story.

Adventure

Hi Android

Welcome to SR. Sorry for what you have gone through with your AW. It’s not easy. You have made a very important discovery in SR – I hope you can find it as helpful as I have. Please read as much and as often as you can, and post when you need to. We all have different stories, but at the same time have so much in common. I have found so much relief in that fact – people get me, people are either going through what I’m going through, or have been through it and come out the other side. It is such a comfort to me.

Al Anon has the exact same benefits and I can’t recommend it enough. It has been such an important part of my life for the last 7 months and is helping me to understand why I have put myself through what I have and also to give me the strength to leave my AH move on with my life. I can only speak for the meetings I attend, and I have to be honest there are significantly more men at them than I would ever expected. Like a lot of people (I think), I assumed that alcoholism was primarily a man’s disease. Knowing what I know now, I see how ridiculous this statement is! I attend two different meetings and there are a lot of men at both. Please don’t let that fear put you off going, and even if you try one and it doesn’t work for you, try to find other meetings in other locations that might be better.

Wishing you all the best for the road ahead. It brought a tear to my eye to hear you say how blessed you are to have good family and friends, just the fact that you can see this and acknowledge it, and that you are able to ask for their help.

Adventure

Seren

Hello Android1, welcome to SR!

I hope you will stick around and read as many of the threads here as you can. There is a lot of shared experience and strength on these boards.

I'm really sorry to hear about your wife's struggles. The sad truth is that it is HER struggle and hers alone. Only she can decide if she wants sobriety and only she can work to get there.

Al-Anon has been invaluable for many people here. You may want to give it a try. Face-to-face support can be a sanity-saver.

Welcome, again!

Katiekate

Hi Andriod, welcome. So glad you found us.

I'm sorry for your situation but you sound pretty grounded and well on your way to peace.

I hope you keep posting. We are here, Katie xo

android1

Thank you all for the support. I feel like I am in much better shape than I was a week ago. I have been reading the forum here for a few months, but it wasn't until last week that I decided to join. I had been doing it all on my own prior to that.

It took a week for my registration to go through, and i have done a lot if reading here in the last week. It has been a real eye opener.

There is only one meeting a day in my area. And I work at the time most of them are going on. But there US one every Friday night, that i could make almost every week. So i might go tonight. I know I probably should.

Learn2Live

Go android. You need to go. Feel whatever fear you have and do it anyway. Trust me, you will feel much better by going. You don't have to say or do ANYTHING; you can just sit there and shake your head no if anyone asks you anything and you don't feel comfortable speaking. (Although I recommend sharing when it's your turn, even if it makes you sob and cry, because you need to get this out. When we speak our truth, when we share our truth with others, it strengthens us).

There are plenty of guys in most of the meetings I go to and since there aren't many meetings in your area, I'm willing to bet there will be men at the Friday night meeting. You can also look into Nar-Anon meetings.

I am sorry you married that person. It is so much more difficult for folks who marry an alcoholic or addict. This person you married is not who you thought you married. I hope you have consulted with a divorce attorney. If not, you may want to.

OhBoy

My situation is very similar to yours, my wife's drinking is almost identical to yours. She too is cheating on me. She too is so entangled in chaos that at times it is impossible to deal with her. She has broken my heart time & time again. But through it all I can still find some serenity. Not getting caught up in the chaos is about the best thing for me to keep my sanity. She has choices, she can lie, cheat & drink to her hearts content or she can act like she's married to someone who loves her. I have choices too. I can accept her alcoholic actions & live with them, or I can choose not to play a part in it. Whichever I choose, the thing that must be common is that I have to take care of myself.

Face to face alanon meetings for me has been the biggest part of helping me get better. Some things are hard to start doing, but easier & better in the long run. I only need a quick burst of strength & courage to get the ball rolling & the rest gets easier. I used to be weighed down more & more every day "dealing" with it. Alanon has shown me I don't have to do everything myself.

Sorry, got to rambling a bit. As far as men in the F2F meetings, you'll probably find some. We're out there. But don't let the lack of testosterone at meetings skew your outlook, those ladies really know their stuff! And in the end, it is the same disease, the disease knows no gender rules. Welcome aboard!
Oh Boy

android1

Thank you, I will go tonight. I know i need it and i know it will help me.

DesertEyes

Welcome to SoberRecovery, Android and sorry you had to find us.

My story is very similar to yours. Don't have anything to add to the above posts. Just raising my hand to let you know there's plenty of us guys in al-anon. It all depends on which meeting you go to. I've been to meetings where I am the only guy, and have been welcomed with warmth, compassion and wisdom. At the other end I've been to meetings where there were no ladies, and have been welcomed with warmth, compassion and wisdom.

The details of our stories are different, but the pain we all feel due to the horrors of this disease is the same.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

android1

I went to an alanon meeting to night. It was totally not what I expected. Well a little, it was all female besides me. But they were all 40 years older than me. I'm 35. It was interesting to hear their story. I shared more than i expected to. But I think I felt more open with them because of their age.

I think i shared before that both my wife and I were looking for places to live apart from each other, well she found one with out my help. That eased my I must control the drinking, or she will self destruct thinking, and really made me think about my self. And how I had enabled her. I thought I was taking care of her, rescuing her so to speak.

I am really starting to evaluate my self and my motives. After hearing sine of the stories tonight, iI had to take a hard look at the way I reacted to my alcoholic dad (AD?). I am using the skills iI learned as a teen living with him, to deal with my AW.

Just saying that helps me see how I got into this in the first place.

This is the first night my wife and I have been together and not fought in 2 weeks. I have to think i have learned something in the last week.

I still don't trust her and she hasn't changed. I'm still hoping, but I'm not trying to change her or control her behavior. That is her choice.

Thanks for listing.

Katiekate

. After hearing sine of the stories tonight, iI had to take a hard look at the way I reacted to my alcoholic dad (AD?). I am using the skills iI learned as a teen living with him, to deal with my AW.

This is huge, the awareness of this may be a push off point for you, my dad also was an A, I learned many many awesome survival skills as a child that were actually very effective, as an adult, those skills just don't cut it, and they actually cause me a lot of anst when I employed them . It was very eye opening for me, it was the point at which i was able to really put the spotlight on my behavior and not his.

Nice work, congrats on your first meeting.

Learn2Live

Our lives become about THEM. Our lives become about supporting and dealing with and fixing THEM and all the problems and chaos and panic THEY cause in our lives. Our lives become about the hurt, pain and damage they cause to us and our lives. Our lives become about our dissatisfaction and anger with how they treat us and the fact that we become no one to them, and how we feel or what we may want does not matter to them.

But the really tough part is figuring out that we picked them for a reason.

NYCDoglvr

This reminds me of a saying: there are good days and there are learning days. I compliment you on your clear sight and ability to see your own part in this miserable experience.

android1

Yesterday I decided I need some fun time with supportive people, and a while away from my AW, We are separating, but still living in the same house, I should be out this week.

I went fishing with my sister and brother in law, in an area with out cell service. I got back into service about 10pm. I had 2 messages from her, the first saying she was puking up blood and she needed someone to stay with her for the night, and the only person available was the other man. So she said if I came home he would be sleeping on the couch.

The seconds message said the same about hom staying, like she felt guilty or just forgot she told me the first time, then she said she went to the ER.

I'm both upset and worried about her. But over all I'm ok. I want to have a serious talk with her, to feel out where she is heading. Mostly so iI know to plan for divorce or not. But I really don't think I would get an answer, at least not one that she wants to work on this.

Maybe that is my answer. It is almost 7pm and she isn't home. Not that I expect her to cone home, her pattern has been anything but predictable. And I'm sure she is with the other man too.

I'm letting the chaos back in. I should just relax and enjoy my quit time.