I'm confused
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Randy32 
Hello all. I'm seeking advice. I have recently started dating someone who has been in treat ment for alcohol abuse.
He was in a 30 day treat ment program yet still continues to drink.
I have been seeing him for a little over 3 months and in that time I have notced he gets completely out of control when alcohol is involved. Stays out all night, misses work, does not call and leaves me worried, breaks things loses things and has even gotten violent. I have now gotten so fed up I have broken up with him but he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
The last time he had a "sitatuion" was last night. He stayed out all night and didn't call and got wasted.
Do I run for the hills? I have a lot going on right now. I just graduated and iam starting a new job in a new city and this all feels like a lot of bs I cannt handle with everything going on. I just want stability and someone who has self control. Ami being hard on him or sensible????
Help
He was in a 30 day treat ment program yet still continues to drink.
I have been seeing him for a little over 3 months and in that time I have notced he gets completely out of control when alcohol is involved. Stays out all night, misses work, does not call and leaves me worried, breaks things loses things and has even gotten violent. I have now gotten so fed up I have broken up with him but he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
The last time he had a "sitatuion" was last night. He stayed out all night and didn't call and got wasted.
Do I run for the hills? I have a lot going on right now. I just graduated and iam starting a new job in a new city and this all feels like a lot of bs I cannt handle with everything going on. I just want stability and someone who has self control. Ami being hard on him or sensible????
Help
1. Leave him permanently, and seek a replacement lover, s.o.
2. Stay. Get used to headaches, immense stress, anxiety, and mucho DRAMA.
The choice is thine.
(thats all i am gonna say)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
Randy32,
Don't feel bad for him. You cannot help him. If he is "sad" it is up to him to get help. Like another poster has stated, your life is just beginning and there are soooo many wonderful things ahead...... do NOT let this lost soul make you feel guilty for even a second. Guilt is not love. Pity is not love. The loving thing to do?????? Love yourself and walk away. Love him and not enable.
Don't feel bad for him. You cannot help him. If he is "sad" it is up to him to get help. Like another poster has stated, your life is just beginning and there are soooo many wonderful things ahead...... do NOT let this lost soul make you feel guilty for even a second. Guilt is not love. Pity is not love. The loving thing to do?????? Love yourself and walk away. Love him and not enable.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37
I agree, there is only 2 choises, really.
1: Leave and find a new person who you can enjoy MUTUAL respect.
2: Stay and hang on for the ride of your life on the Roller Coaster from He|| !
His first love is not you. It is alcohol.
Better to suffer a small bit now, letting go and moving on, then to suffer ALOT later.
Much Love & Respect!
~GT2~
1: Leave and find a new person who you can enjoy MUTUAL respect.
2: Stay and hang on for the ride of your life on the Roller Coaster from He|| !
His first love is not you. It is alcohol.
Better to suffer a small bit now, letting go and moving on, then to suffer ALOT later.
Much Love & Respect!
~GT2~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I appreciate the feedback..can't help but feel like I'm leaving behind this sad guy who can't pick himself up.
The "poor me" routine is part of the disease -- the hallmarks of addiction are being pathologically selfish and doing whatever is necessary to maintain the high, access to the high, and people to support the addict while high. Nobody believes you should be discompassionate towards him, but to regard the disease, and his comfort with its symptoms, from a safe distance, economically, emotionally, physically.
Like others have said, this disease is progressive and will get worse over time if it remains untreated. You've only invested three months. Right now you're seeing the tip of the iceberg. You have no idea how deep this thing goes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
Ask yourself this:
Would you willingly get involved with someone who was married or in a steady, long term relationship?
This person already has a life partner called Alcohol. They are already taken. No matter how much they beg and plead and seem to need you, they need to end that relationship for good before they get involved in anything else.
Let them go.
Would you willingly get involved with someone who was married or in a steady, long term relationship?
This person already has a life partner called Alcohol. They are already taken. No matter how much they beg and plead and seem to need you, they need to end that relationship for good before they get involved in anything else.
Let them go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please examine why in God's name you, or any other rational person, would begin dating somebody recently in treatment.
Men and women aren't dogs or houses. They aren't fixer uppers and you can't save them. Please consider Alanon. It is critical for you.
Cyranoak
Men and women aren't dogs or houses. They aren't fixer uppers and you can't save them. Please consider Alanon. It is critical for you.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
Most people on these boards won't tell you to run for the hills
except
in situations where you are asking directly. Since you are asking a direct question, I would advocate the idea of getting out, as fast, as humanly possible.
I'd go one step further and change your number/block his calls and tell anyone whom you both mutually know to not send you any messages from him. I swear if I could do it over with the psycho XA and his crazy family, I would have tucked tail and run very fast and very far away. The only difference is my XA wouldn't have cared at all. He doesn't have a care in the world, , ,
except
in situations where you are asking directly. Since you are asking a direct question, I would advocate the idea of getting out, as fast, as humanly possible.
I'd go one step further and change your number/block his calls and tell anyone whom you both mutually know to not send you any messages from him. I swear if I could do it over with the psycho XA and his crazy family, I would have tucked tail and run very fast and very far away. The only difference is my XA wouldn't have cared at all. He doesn't have a care in the world, , ,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Bartonsville, Pa
Posts: 24
Please run for the hills
Now that I see your post I remember something that happened when we were dating 30 years ago. He was of course drinking. Got caught drunk driving somehow got it off the records I who new nothing about alcohol supported him and he was so grateful for the support made me feel needed I guess. My biggest mistake not heading for the hills then. Here I am 27 years later and him asking for the divorce because I will not support his alcohol anymore. He has a great job and makes mucho $ but I finally see it is not worth my sanity. Do not do it run, run run
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
I can only support what everyone else has said. Unfortunately when I married my AH 21 years ago there was no Internet or way to research what I was getting into since there was no alcoholism in my family. Now after 21 years we are divorcing, he never worked, was totally supported by me, the disease progressive. and HE is wanting alimony from ME in the divorce settlement. Stick around on the forum and read the stories of others. I only wish I had had all this advice 21 years ago. You are a smart lady to check things out now and save yourself years of heartache, financial and legal messes , possible abuse etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
You've only known him for 3 months!! What do you have to feel guilty about? This relationship is not working out, it's not going to work out, because he is addicted to alcoholism and you, rightly so, are seeing red flags. If he wasn't an alcoholic, if he was just a guy you knew wasn't for you, would you feel guilty breaking it off?
Just break it off and be happy you dodged a bullet.
Just break it off and be happy you dodged a bullet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
THREE months. Even the most abusive men can generally keep a lid on the violence much longer than that. You've not invested much in the relationship at this stage. Run far, run fast, and don't look back. You deserve WAY more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Run....As fast as you can! I realize people can't tell you as I had a mind of my own! Oh my, I had no idea of the drama and pain. I have found the stories ar the same and the names have been changed. Love yourself enough to run fast.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by Randy32
he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I appreciate the feedback..can't help but feel like I'm leaving behind this sad guy who can't pick himself up.. He's literally begging and I feel bad for turning my back. Am I a heartless cold person or is this how it goes when u break up with someone so needy and co dependent and emotional..
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