help.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
and do what I can to see him recover and come back to me.
For me to get better I had to be selfish and focus on me. She was sick but to be honest so was I. I was at least at sick as she was. For me to heal I had to focus totally on me. If we were to be together it would happen, if not then that was that. Whatever the outcome step 1 was to get better. I couldn't waste time worrying about what might be.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Mike has a point - because we can't tell the future - we are only assuming it will turn out the way we want it to be. That's called "future tripping" in AA and Al-Anon. And its often a disaster in the making. Why? Because this is addictions, not diabetes. It's a disease of the mind. And its a very selfish disease. There may be a little voice in his head that feels bad for beating you up, but the bigger and more dominant voice in his head wants to use more.
You came here asking for advice, and it is obvious you didn't get what you came for. But I hope what you do get will be considered, because the combined experiences of the folks on this board is lengthy. I remember wanting to be one of the very few who "beat the odds", find recovery, and stay together living happily ever after. That my husband would magically change and become the man I just knew he could be. I just knew it was possible. But you see, that's me wanting things my way.
Your boyfriend is a grown man - let him find his way. Go on with your life and find out why you have codependency issues. Focus on you, let him focus on him, and believe me, there is much more to be revealed.
You came here asking for advice, and it is obvious you didn't get what you came for. But I hope what you do get will be considered, because the combined experiences of the folks on this board is lengthy. I remember wanting to be one of the very few who "beat the odds", find recovery, and stay together living happily ever after. That my husband would magically change and become the man I just knew he could be. I just knew it was possible. But you see, that's me wanting things my way.
Your boyfriend is a grown man - let him find his way. Go on with your life and find out why you have codependency issues. Focus on you, let him focus on him, and believe me, there is much more to be revealed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: kelowna bc
Posts: 10
I'm scared.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
Im grateful for every comment on this thread, I have so much to consider. the definition of compassion is "to suffer with"
And need to focus on myself right now. But I can still have faith? There are exceptions right?
Hes not always going to be bad?
I feel psycho.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
Im grateful for every comment on this thread, I have so much to consider. the definition of compassion is "to suffer with"
And need to focus on myself right now. But I can still have faith? There are exceptions right?
Hes not always going to be bad?
I feel psycho.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: kelowna bc
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
You came here asking for advice, and it is obvious you didn't get what you came for. But I hope what you do get will be considered, because the combined experiences of the folks on this board is lengthy. I remember wanting to be one of the very few who "beat the odds", find recovery, and stay together living happily ever after. That my husband would magically change and become the man I just knew he could be. I just knew it was possible. But you see, that's me wanting things my way.
this is going to be a hell of a journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by anastasia321
I'm scared.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
Im grateful for every comment on this thread, I have so much to consider. the definition of compassion is "to suffer with"
And need to focus on myself right now. But I can still have faith? There are exceptions right?
Hes not always going to be bad?
I feel psycho.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
Im grateful for every comment on this thread, I have so much to consider. the definition of compassion is "to suffer with"
And need to focus on myself right now. But I can still have faith? There are exceptions right?
Hes not always going to be bad?
I feel psycho.
In both recovery and buddhist terms suffering is what we inflict on ourselves by our choices and attitudes. In Alanon there is a saying that pain is to be expected, suffering is optional. The goal of both is to reduce or eliminate suffering.
As for the rest, who knows. The future isn't ours to see. It will simply be what it will be.
Your friend,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The thing is, you must realize and accept that you have absolutely no control over him. You cannot make this situation turn out the way you want it to. Things may work out for the two of you, or they may not. Of course, even if you do stay together, there is always the possibility of relapse. There is always the possibility that something will push him to the point of beating the crap out of you again. Only you can decide if you are willing to live with those posibilities. You have choices, just like he does. A question I would be asking myself is why would I even consider going back to someone who had physically abused me. There is NO excuse for that and blackout drinking doesn't cause a person to do something that isn't somewhere inside them from the beginning. Many, many alcoholics drink to blackout and have never once physically abused their significant other or anyone else.
Sorry, but in my mind, physical violence is a deal breaker the very first time it happens. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you.
Sorry, but in my mind, physical violence is a deal breaker the very first time it happens. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He told me he was an alcoholic and had in fact been drinking everyday behind my back for nearly one year.
Because he says so?
You did not press charges? Why not? Because he doesn't deserve to suffer the consequences of his drinking and beating up his girlfriend? Yeah, he threw up the next morning after a 3 day binge, that could have been coming anyway. He lies. All the time.
He is getting recovery treatment at his grandparents farm? Really? Cause he says so? Of course, he has 5 days sober, he says so. Oh, his grandparents are treating him for alcoholism? They are experts in this field? Any stupid lying drunk can stop drinking for a few days, it is the recovery that is hard. Facing up to who he is and what he has done.
How will you be able to tell he has seriously changed himself? Abuse is entirely separate from alcoholism. They are two different animals, if you allow alcoholism to be the excuse for his attack on you, then you are setting yourself up for more physical abuse.
Educating yourself on alcoholism is a good idea. But, you have to realize to take it all in, not just the part you agree with. People recover and people can change. It does not happen in a few days, it takes months to get the education and could take years to absolutely know you cannot drink. I did it, so people can change. But abusers, well, I don't believe them. I know a couple and they do not change, they talk about change, but deep down, they believe they have a right to beat someone up.
Maybe while you are being counseled at school, you should take a self-defense course. At least then, you will have a chance to stop him before he breaks your bones or punches you unconscious. You will need much more than luck if you do not get real about his problems.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Well, Anastasia, I certainly know that psycho feeling all to well, as most of us here do. It's very common for family/friends of alcoholics. There's a tremendous amount of knowledge and experience shared here if you will just open your mind to it. Take a breath, slow down, relax, and take some time to read the "stickies" at the top of the Friends & Family of Alcoholic forum. There's alot to think about and absorb.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Anastasia
First welcome & I hope sharing here will help you over time figure out what is best for you as it has done for me
Second. A couple things nagging at me from reading the thread:
- why didn't the police arrest him?
- why if he's 6 days sober is he just now thinking about & planning to go to AA? alcoholics are quite possibly the worlds best "thinkers about" things - ACTIONS are what count. That one took me a LONG time to swallow & accept.
My XAH went from too much drinking to lying to verbal abuse to physical abuse (& I never in a million years thought he'd be the type). And after each incident we talked & LOADS of promises of how serious he was about recovery followed. And w out fail everytime he broke his word. Lots of planning & thinking about taking ACTION but none taken that I ever saw evidence of in his behavior
Your BF has lied for at least a year (he's admitting 1 year which probably means 2). I know the feeling of desperately wanting to believe their words, apologies, promises. But he has no coping skills at the time to keep him from repeating his behavior (lying, drinking, abuse even).
If he goes to AA & seeks help he will have to change far more than his drinking in order to be healthy. Tell him you support his desire to get well & watch from a safe distance. He will show soon enough whether or not his words & actions match.
Having him move back worries me for you & I hope he stays where he is for now.
Have you been to al anon at all?
First welcome & I hope sharing here will help you over time figure out what is best for you as it has done for me
Second. A couple things nagging at me from reading the thread:
- why didn't the police arrest him?
- why if he's 6 days sober is he just now thinking about & planning to go to AA? alcoholics are quite possibly the worlds best "thinkers about" things - ACTIONS are what count. That one took me a LONG time to swallow & accept.
My XAH went from too much drinking to lying to verbal abuse to physical abuse (& I never in a million years thought he'd be the type). And after each incident we talked & LOADS of promises of how serious he was about recovery followed. And w out fail everytime he broke his word. Lots of planning & thinking about taking ACTION but none taken that I ever saw evidence of in his behavior
Your BF has lied for at least a year (he's admitting 1 year which probably means 2). I know the feeling of desperately wanting to believe their words, apologies, promises. But he has no coping skills at the time to keep him from repeating his behavior (lying, drinking, abuse even).
If he goes to AA & seeks help he will have to change far more than his drinking in order to be healthy. Tell him you support his desire to get well & watch from a safe distance. He will show soon enough whether or not his words & actions match.
Having him move back worries me for you & I hope he stays where he is for now.
Have you been to al anon at all?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks Mike for your post. I agree.
Anastasia,
In our sticky posts at the top of the forum, I found this:
Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
Here is the link to that sticky post if you want to read more:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Anastasia,
In our sticky posts at the top of the forum, I found this:
Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
Here is the link to that sticky post if you want to read more:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Anastasia, I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. He didn't hit me till we were already married for 10 yrs. All the other abuse was there, but I didn't see it. After 10 yrs, he was drunk, was watching tv, and I tried to talk to him. I know now don't try to talk to a drunk. He got up off the couch, threw me to the floor, and kicked me in the ribs, then he went upstairs to go to sleep.
Next day promised he would never lay a hand on me again. Kept his word for another 10 years, and yes, the other abuse was still there the entire time. This time he grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the ground. So, ok, now he is crying to me, and telling me that he didn't want to turn out like his father, but he did, and he began therapy. After each therapy session he was getting worse. Why? It was because he was starting to look at himself a little, didn't like what he saw, so of course, it had to be me, because he was never like this before.
I felt stuck in the relationship, I was no longer working, had just gone through treatment for cancer, didn't feel strong enough to work then, you know, all the common excuses.
Then 3 years after this, he hit be in the face. I called the cops that time, and they took me to the hospital, but still I let him back in after the court case.
He progressively got worse and worse. Not physically, you see, he was able to hold back on that, but the emotional abuse is something no one should ever go through. I got to the point that I would stand in front of him, and tell him to just hit me already, by this time I knew that the weeks or months of emotional abuse would stop for awhile, if he just him me.
I found out that with or without the alcohol, he was still abusive. They say that if a person is an alcoholic give them at least 1 year in recovery before considering moving on with them. For abuse, they say at least 2 years, and that is only with alot of therapy, and work.
Abuse is a mindset. To stop being abusive, it is almost as if you need to learn how to speak another language. You need to take all that you have learned and throw it out the window, and then learn all new coping skills.
Take care and be careful.
Next day promised he would never lay a hand on me again. Kept his word for another 10 years, and yes, the other abuse was still there the entire time. This time he grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the ground. So, ok, now he is crying to me, and telling me that he didn't want to turn out like his father, but he did, and he began therapy. After each therapy session he was getting worse. Why? It was because he was starting to look at himself a little, didn't like what he saw, so of course, it had to be me, because he was never like this before.
I felt stuck in the relationship, I was no longer working, had just gone through treatment for cancer, didn't feel strong enough to work then, you know, all the common excuses.
Then 3 years after this, he hit be in the face. I called the cops that time, and they took me to the hospital, but still I let him back in after the court case.
He progressively got worse and worse. Not physically, you see, he was able to hold back on that, but the emotional abuse is something no one should ever go through. I got to the point that I would stand in front of him, and tell him to just hit me already, by this time I knew that the weeks or months of emotional abuse would stop for awhile, if he just him me.
I found out that with or without the alcohol, he was still abusive. They say that if a person is an alcoholic give them at least 1 year in recovery before considering moving on with them. For abuse, they say at least 2 years, and that is only with alot of therapy, and work.
Abuse is a mindset. To stop being abusive, it is almost as if you need to learn how to speak another language. You need to take all that you have learned and throw it out the window, and then learn all new coping skills.
Take care and be careful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by anastasia321
I'm scared.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
I feel psycho.
I don't know enough about his sickness to make a logical choice, I can only think with my heart right now.
I feel psycho.
Take care of yourself. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by anastasia321
this is going to be a hell of a journey.
I would have never ever considered marrying an alcoholic. I was naive and wrote off his behaviors to stress. Had I known...well...I would have hightailed it outta there! Which is exactly what I did when I did finally "know" what I was up against.
I recommended before in this thread and will do it again - Under the Influence, by James Milam and Katherine Ketchum. Codependency No More, by Melody Beattie. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is also a good one - title misleading! Try Hazeldon's website...lots of great information there. Read the alcoholics forum here. Go to open AA meetings, talk with other recovering alcoholics. Learn to identify what "real recovery" looks like. What "emotional sobriety" means. What kind of lifestyle you are in for if you continue this relationship...have kids with this guy. Educate yourself as to what this means. It is a chronic disease. There is no "cure". He will live with this forever, and so will you if you choose to stay. Learn what this means - its a huge commitment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Anastasia
This would quite honestly be the least of my worries.
Please mind yourself and try to take on board as much of what the experienced people here are sharing with you.
Your thread is entitled "Help", but I am worried that what you really hoped for was a bit of validation that things could work out ok. Please be super careful.
Adventure
Originally Posted by anastasia321
I am risking further heartbreak by pursuing this.
Please mind yourself and try to take on board as much of what the experienced people here are sharing with you.
Your thread is entitled "Help", but I am worried that what you really hoped for was a bit of validation that things could work out ok. Please be super careful.
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Wanted to add in a little more. I did not join this forum because my ex was(is) an alcoholic. I joined it for me. I spent 27 yrs with him. I am an alcoholic. I was trying to numb myself and distance myself from my life.
I stopped drinking 8/2/2011. Almost 3 years after I left him. At that point I didn't know anything, didn't know up from down, right from wrong. I believed him so much that my mind was just totally messed up.
I would probably have been the last person to ever leave because I was sooooo brainwashed. (They do that, yanno!!!!). They start to convince you that everything bad is because of you. You start to believe that you deserve to be hit, or you just make up excuses for them, when they do hit you. I DID THIS.
But what sometimes got me thinking, everytime I would try to explain why I was feeling hurt and how his behavior affected me, he couldn't comprehend this. He actually had no empathy !!!!!!!!!!!! There was no way that I can explain, or could explain, because he didn't want to hear that he might have a problem, so the more I tried to explain, the worse he got.
Abuse is about control, and I feel that sometimes if a person can not control themselves they will try to control others. Maybe the controlling part is so that you see them as this wonderful person, and you are to blame for all the bad in the relationship. I don't know. I just know that my ex lacked empathy. He could only feel his own pain, not the pain that he caused others. If he even imagined the pain that he caused me he just drank more. Tried to make it go away.
Empathy does not mean a lack of an apology, because logically they know it was wrong, but they rethink the whole situation, and all of a sudden you were the villain in this, you were the enemy.
Getting sober will not get rid of that thinking. 2 different issues.
I stopped drinking 8/2/2011. Almost 3 years after I left him. At that point I didn't know anything, didn't know up from down, right from wrong. I believed him so much that my mind was just totally messed up.
I would probably have been the last person to ever leave because I was sooooo brainwashed. (They do that, yanno!!!!). They start to convince you that everything bad is because of you. You start to believe that you deserve to be hit, or you just make up excuses for them, when they do hit you. I DID THIS.
But what sometimes got me thinking, everytime I would try to explain why I was feeling hurt and how his behavior affected me, he couldn't comprehend this. He actually had no empathy !!!!!!!!!!!! There was no way that I can explain, or could explain, because he didn't want to hear that he might have a problem, so the more I tried to explain, the worse he got.
Abuse is about control, and I feel that sometimes if a person can not control themselves they will try to control others. Maybe the controlling part is so that you see them as this wonderful person, and you are to blame for all the bad in the relationship. I don't know. I just know that my ex lacked empathy. He could only feel his own pain, not the pain that he caused others. If he even imagined the pain that he caused me he just drank more. Tried to make it go away.
Empathy does not mean a lack of an apology, because logically they know it was wrong, but they rethink the whole situation, and all of a sudden you were the villain in this, you were the enemy.
Getting sober will not get rid of that thinking. 2 different issues.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hi Anastasia, I'm Lily 
I have been attending Al-Anon meetings since May 29, 2012. I am an adult child of (quite a few) alcoholics. I am also very codependent. I am a relationship junkie. So, I have had numerous failed relationships. I am dealing with trauma from these failed relationships and growing up in an alcoholic household. Also, I am in one of the helping professions. I am a nurse assistant and I am currently in school to become a registered nurse.
In Al-Anon, I have learned not to give advice. Instead, I have learned to share my experience, strength, and hope. I have also found it helps me more to listen to someone's story versus hearing someone tell me what to do with my life. When someone tells me their personal story, I can actually listen to them without feeling judged or being robbed of the opportunity to make decisions for myself.
With that in mind, I wish to share my experience, strength, and hope with you. I already mentioned that I am a relationship junkie. I brought dysfunction into a lot of my relationships and in turn I dated dysfunctional men. The last one I loved dearly with all of my heart. I still love him. I left him 5 months ago and I went completely no contact. We were together on and off for a year and some change. Two months into the relationship, I found out he was addicted to opiates. I had no idea that he was a drug addict.
He was coming to pick me up from downtown in the city where I live. I was leaving the pharmacy. When I came outside, I saw him pulled over and cops were patting him down. He was driving with a suspended license. (Something I knew he did regularly, but chose to ignore) When I walked up to the car, the police asked me if he was my boyfriend. After affirming this, I was told he was carrying narcotics. (Hydrocodone) While they were patting him down and looking him up in the system one of the officers pulled me aside and told me my boyfriend was a functional addict. I'll never forget what he said after that, "You seem like a very nice, well put together young lady, you don't need this in your life."
Well, I did leave shortly after that for about 7 months. I missed him so so much. I thought about him everyday during this time period. We were completely no contact at this point. After 7 months passed, I called him and we picked up where we left off. He was in recovery and he was in drug court. So, he had to get drug tested regularly and he was getting treatment. Eventually, he graduated from treatment. He was encouraged to attend AA and NA but chose not to go because he felt he did not need it.
So, let me do a timeline so we all know where I am in this point of the story. We met 10/29/10. Broke up 1/2/11. Got back together 7/22/11. Broke up again 3/30/12.
Now then, from 7/22/11-3/30/11, I saw him go through the motions. He was put on suboxone to help him stop using. He graduated from treatment and then eventually he was all done with drug court.
During this process, his dad lost his house and he had to find a new place. His dad lost his automotive job, so he had to find a new job. He kept leaning heavily on me to do these things and I kept pushing him to do it for himself. He tried to move in with me because he did not want to live on his own. Even at the time I found this insulting. How dare you try to move in with me *just because* you can't deal with your life. Not because our relationship has grown to that level or because you plan on proposing and making me your wife...but because you basically want me to be your mom and lover all in one. No thanks.
From there, I believe our relationship declined and I felt a deep pull and desire to help myself. It was like Al-Anon called to me. I wanted and needed to take care of myself. Since I left him 5 months ago on March 30, 2012, I have done just that. I came back to this website. I hadn't been on sober recovery for a long, long time. If you look me up, you will find all of my posts and see how much support I have received here. Sometimes I read some of my old posts and the replies and I cry tears of gratitude because of the people who reached out to me and sent love, hope, and caring my way.
I made a commitment to myself to remain single and celibate as I work the 12 steps, attend Al-Anon meetings, connect with people on this website, read, write, journal, see my counselor, and heal from my past.
Anastasia, I'm scared too. I am scared that I will be alone forever and that I will never meet someone worth my while. That fear is the driving force behind my series of dysfunctional relationships. In each relationship, I put my blinders on and ignored what are now glaring red flags to me. I would rather be scared, and sometimes sad and lonely working on getting better...than in another dysfunctional relationship with someone who cannot offer even half of what I bring into a relationship.
All of the love, dedication, and codependency I put into my relationships, I have decided to give to myself. 5 months later, I am stronger than I have ever been. I have so many resources. I have Al-Anon, this website (SR), an Al-Anon phone list, daily readers, self help books, a journal, my counselor, and healthy friends who support me, listen to me, and *do not* give me advice.
I hope my story has helped you or someone else on their journey. I am adding you to my prayer list. I would like to encourage you to keep coming back. (read my signature about coming back
)
Many hugs to you,
Lily
I have been attending Al-Anon meetings since May 29, 2012. I am an adult child of (quite a few) alcoholics. I am also very codependent. I am a relationship junkie. So, I have had numerous failed relationships. I am dealing with trauma from these failed relationships and growing up in an alcoholic household. Also, I am in one of the helping professions. I am a nurse assistant and I am currently in school to become a registered nurse.
In Al-Anon, I have learned not to give advice. Instead, I have learned to share my experience, strength, and hope. I have also found it helps me more to listen to someone's story versus hearing someone tell me what to do with my life. When someone tells me their personal story, I can actually listen to them without feeling judged or being robbed of the opportunity to make decisions for myself.
With that in mind, I wish to share my experience, strength, and hope with you. I already mentioned that I am a relationship junkie. I brought dysfunction into a lot of my relationships and in turn I dated dysfunctional men. The last one I loved dearly with all of my heart. I still love him. I left him 5 months ago and I went completely no contact. We were together on and off for a year and some change. Two months into the relationship, I found out he was addicted to opiates. I had no idea that he was a drug addict.
He was coming to pick me up from downtown in the city where I live. I was leaving the pharmacy. When I came outside, I saw him pulled over and cops were patting him down. He was driving with a suspended license. (Something I knew he did regularly, but chose to ignore) When I walked up to the car, the police asked me if he was my boyfriend. After affirming this, I was told he was carrying narcotics. (Hydrocodone) While they were patting him down and looking him up in the system one of the officers pulled me aside and told me my boyfriend was a functional addict. I'll never forget what he said after that, "You seem like a very nice, well put together young lady, you don't need this in your life."
Well, I did leave shortly after that for about 7 months. I missed him so so much. I thought about him everyday during this time period. We were completely no contact at this point. After 7 months passed, I called him and we picked up where we left off. He was in recovery and he was in drug court. So, he had to get drug tested regularly and he was getting treatment. Eventually, he graduated from treatment. He was encouraged to attend AA and NA but chose not to go because he felt he did not need it.
So, let me do a timeline so we all know where I am in this point of the story. We met 10/29/10. Broke up 1/2/11. Got back together 7/22/11. Broke up again 3/30/12.
Now then, from 7/22/11-3/30/11, I saw him go through the motions. He was put on suboxone to help him stop using. He graduated from treatment and then eventually he was all done with drug court.
During this process, his dad lost his house and he had to find a new place. His dad lost his automotive job, so he had to find a new job. He kept leaning heavily on me to do these things and I kept pushing him to do it for himself. He tried to move in with me because he did not want to live on his own. Even at the time I found this insulting. How dare you try to move in with me *just because* you can't deal with your life. Not because our relationship has grown to that level or because you plan on proposing and making me your wife...but because you basically want me to be your mom and lover all in one. No thanks.
From there, I believe our relationship declined and I felt a deep pull and desire to help myself. It was like Al-Anon called to me. I wanted and needed to take care of myself. Since I left him 5 months ago on March 30, 2012, I have done just that. I came back to this website. I hadn't been on sober recovery for a long, long time. If you look me up, you will find all of my posts and see how much support I have received here. Sometimes I read some of my old posts and the replies and I cry tears of gratitude because of the people who reached out to me and sent love, hope, and caring my way.
I made a commitment to myself to remain single and celibate as I work the 12 steps, attend Al-Anon meetings, connect with people on this website, read, write, journal, see my counselor, and heal from my past.
Anastasia, I'm scared too. I am scared that I will be alone forever and that I will never meet someone worth my while. That fear is the driving force behind my series of dysfunctional relationships. In each relationship, I put my blinders on and ignored what are now glaring red flags to me. I would rather be scared, and sometimes sad and lonely working on getting better...than in another dysfunctional relationship with someone who cannot offer even half of what I bring into a relationship.
All of the love, dedication, and codependency I put into my relationships, I have decided to give to myself. 5 months later, I am stronger than I have ever been. I have so many resources. I have Al-Anon, this website (SR), an Al-Anon phone list, daily readers, self help books, a journal, my counselor, and healthy friends who support me, listen to me, and *do not* give me advice.
I hope my story has helped you or someone else on their journey. I am adding you to my prayer list. I would like to encourage you to keep coming back. (read my signature about coming back
)Many hugs to you,
Lily
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
While drunk I did get to a point of hitting my BF a couple of times, but that anger and violence resonated within me before I took that drink. The booze just amplified a dark part of who I already was.
Did your BF grow up in a violent home?
Many alcoholics do not hit their partners, and alcohol is no excuse whatsoever to attack someone.
Did your BF grow up in a violent home?
Many alcoholics do not hit their partners, and alcohol is no excuse whatsoever to attack someone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Anastasia:
I was beat up by my alcoholic ex partner. The emotional abuse finally led to physical violence.
I took my child and sought shelter elsewhere. He desperately wanted me back. After three days of no contact, I finally spoke to him and he promised me it would never happen again. Like many abused women, I fell for it and went back to him.
In time, he minimized my injuries. The relationship continued to deteriorate and at one point I asked him if things ever got so bad between us, would I be able to leave. "No, you are my wife". That was my red flag. A few months later, he lifted me off the ground choking me.
After careful planning, I left for good. He blamed it all on alcohol, yet he wasn't even drunk when he tried to choke me.
The line has been crossed and you are in danger with this man. I found that participating in group therapy for battered women was very helpful and suggest that you seek one out. Perhaps you might minimize "only one incident", by participating in a group, you'll probably start to see similarities between your relationship and those of other abused women.
In terms of your desire to be supportive of him, I agree with another poster who suggested Co-Dependant No More. There's a big difference between support and enablers, and a person who is both an alcoholic and an abuser has an arsenal of manipulation up his sleeve.
Stay safe.
I was beat up by my alcoholic ex partner. The emotional abuse finally led to physical violence.
I took my child and sought shelter elsewhere. He desperately wanted me back. After three days of no contact, I finally spoke to him and he promised me it would never happen again. Like many abused women, I fell for it and went back to him.
In time, he minimized my injuries. The relationship continued to deteriorate and at one point I asked him if things ever got so bad between us, would I be able to leave. "No, you are my wife". That was my red flag. A few months later, he lifted me off the ground choking me.
After careful planning, I left for good. He blamed it all on alcohol, yet he wasn't even drunk when he tried to choke me.
The line has been crossed and you are in danger with this man. I found that participating in group therapy for battered women was very helpful and suggest that you seek one out. Perhaps you might minimize "only one incident", by participating in a group, you'll probably start to see similarities between your relationship and those of other abused women.
In terms of your desire to be supportive of him, I agree with another poster who suggested Co-Dependant No More. There's a big difference between support and enablers, and a person who is both an alcoholic and an abuser has an arsenal of manipulation up his sleeve.
Stay safe.
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