SundayGirl2012

I've been reading Melody's book (I'm about halfway through) - some of the things she says seem very familiar - especially the confusion that results from living with an alcoholic's lies. It's reassuring to know that the swirling confusion I've been feeling is common. But some of what she says seems very extreme to me: I genuinely don't believe my self-worth is as low as she claims it must be. I don't believe I frequently rush in to 'caretake' people. I think the aspects likely to be most relevant to me are about recognising and dealing with feelings - I grew up in an emotionally austere household (my father died when I was a child and I think he's been mentioned less than a dozen times since) and my siblings similarly have difficulty acknowledging their feelings. So I'm going to work on recognising my feelings.
Oddly, the abf has calmed down now that I've asked him to move out. He's doing all the things that I would have 'settled for' before: he's contributing to the laundry and cleaning, buying groceries, being pleasant and friendly. A couple of weeks ago I'd have thought that constituted the result I was looking for. But now I think it's just a temporary interlude in the downward spiral that is alcoholism. It's nice while it lasts but it won't last: he's addicted to alcohol and I'm deluded that I have superhuman abilities to cure him. Unless and until he gives up alcohol and I give up my controllingness, our relationship will be fatally compromised.
On Saturday night, I told a couple of mutual friends that I'd asked the abf to leave because of his drinking issues. It was clear that they were surprised: not surprised that the abf has a drinking problem (it's obviously evident to them that he does) but that I'd decided to leave him as a result. I thought that most of the worst excesses were hidden from others, but it seems they've seen enough to understand.
Thankfully the suicide threat has not surfaced again - but I think things may get worse again, as I think abf is trying to 'win me over' and when he realises that has failed, may go off the rails. But I'll see what happens - in the meantime, I'm grateful for a period of calmness in which to reflect.
Responses welcome.
SGx

Adventure

Hi SG

Just a couple of observations on this, from my own experiences. Firstly, this is not odd at all. This is what they do. They get a bit concerned/rattled when we start setting boundaries and standing up for ourselves, and they act all holier than though, and “look at me, look what I can do, I can act like a normal human being, surely you don’t really want me to leave”!!! It is so frustrating, and is a pattern I fell for an embarrassing number of times. It gave me false hope that maybe, just maybe, this is the time that he really cops on and becomes the person I want and need him to be. It never was.

Secondly, isn’t it amazing how we actually observe when they are doing “normal” things? Like in any other relationship the things you’ve mentioned are just habits of a normal person. But when we’re in a relationship with an addict, it is noticeable when they are behaving in a normal, decent, human way. I don’t know about your A but with my AH if he so much as puts a plate in the dishwasher he expects a comment or praise (or a medal lol).

I’m intrigued about this. Why would friends be surprised that you’d leave him – would they expect you to stay in a relationship with an A who is doing nothing to aid his own recovery?

From my own AH’s occasional threats and also from what I’ve read here, suicide threats are just that, threats. Sadly I know several people who have taken their own lives, and they have never “threatened” to do so. In fact it is something they have intentionally kept from people for fear they might be stopped. It is a cruel tool that many manipulative people (whether A’s or not) use, to keep us where we are, too afraid to have the responsibility of their “death” on our hands. We could just as easily say to them “If you don’t stop drinking, I’m going to commit suicide” but we don’t. As for things getting worse, I imagine that is inevitable. That is a significant reason why I have stayed paralysed in my marriage (in the loosest sense of the term). I am so scared for my AH that things will spiral quickly downwards when I leave. However, I have come to realise that things will spiral whether I go or stay – it’s just it might happen a bit quicker if I do go. Plus, it mightn’t be the worst thing in the world. If it helped him to reach his rock bottom sooner, maybe he would start to take action to give himself back his life.

Wow, long post, sorry I didn’t realise when I started writing!!!

Take care of you, try not to be too concerned about the impact your actions will have on him – he certainly doesn’t give you the same thought. I hope my sharing about the time I have wasted over the last 4/5 years can save you days/weeks/months/years of “paralysis”.

Adventure x