worriedwife2

Ok, some of you may remember me. My AH has been gone for nine months now after i caught him cheating. I went through hell and back the first few months and he couldn't care less. I finally get on my feet and feel much MUCH better with him gone and now he has decided he's a changed man and would do anything to make it right. I just don't want him...

I've been scared of him because he goes off his rocker and has been violent, etc. He still lives with the other woman as well. He loves me, can't believe how he's treated me, etc. But I just don't want him!!! My daughter's don't even like him coming around. He has not spent one night with my youngest 8 year old daughter since he left. Only see's her for an hour here and there.

My problem is, how do I break that tie and not feel bad? It's insane after everything he has put us through that I still feel bad for him when he cries. I don't believe anything has changed. I've heard this so many times. I need a smack in the head. People cannot believe I haven't written him completely off. I think it's still the enabler, codependant in me. What is wrong with me? How do I change this damn thinking and feel like I can finally do what I want without him over my shoulder.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Thanks,
WorriedWife2

Learn2Live

Well first off, you can quit feeling sorry for him.
Are you going to Al-Anon meetings? If not, start going.
Third, go No Contact from him. Why are you even giving him the opportunity to fill your head full of lies again?

I don't know that anyone can promise you that you can break the tie and not feel bad. If you didn't feel bad, you wouldn't be human, would you? Or you would just not care.

Katiekate

Keep going, move through the feelings, he didn't feel bad when he moved in with another woman, he wrote his story, don't let him write yours.

Feel bad, keep feeling bad as long as you need to, you will feel differently as the days go by.

You said it, you don't want him, feelings are never linear, they will continue to go up and down, but in the end, freedom!

worriedwife2

Thank you, you are all so very right. I guess for some reason I can't let go of his control. I forget I'm allowed to have my own feelings! Just because he's changed his mind, well I guess he thinks I should change mine!! HAHA

I would never want my daughter or best friend to deal with this. That's something I truly need to keep in mind!

You guys are the best

Learn2Live

What I realized with this last break-up of mine with AXBF is that I allow other people to define me. Then, when they're gone, I have no idea who I am. It's going to take some time before I can find me again.

Katiekate

I guess for some reason I can't let go of his control.

Maybe take a look at how you get control in this situation.

Co dependent control is very sneaky. I have been finally been able to see my own special brand of controlling the past couple of weeks. It is really helping me to move through a lot of stuff.

Been working on a new level of surrender and letting go over here by my beach, maybe you can do some while you are lounging on yours

Make it a great vaca hon , you and your daughter soooo deserve it. Can't wait to hear about it.

Katiekate

:rotfxko

Hypatia

I'm having trouble defining what exactly is this "tie" you are having trouble breaking.

Love? Nope... scared of him
It's better with him? Nope... feel much MUCH better with him gone
Respect? Nope... i caught him cheating
Tender and considerate? Nope... goes off his rocker and has been violent
Great father figure? Nope... Only sees [daughter] for an hour here and there
He's alone and lonely? Nope... still lives with the other woman

So what are we talking about exactly?

Aw, geez... it's the "crying puppy syndrome." Very serious indeed. Those puppy dog eyes look at you with the little squeeky whine and your heart melts and you just want to take it home with you and take care of it.

Maybe consider trading that tie for a leash and getting yourself a real puppy, from the pound? Would likely be a lot less hassle and bring you a lot more joy and happiness for the next 10 years. Or how about a cat, or a guinea pig, or a hamster? Even goldfish would likely give you more love and enjoyment and there'd be no trouble respecting boundaries even if they're only made of glass.

Well, you did say any suggestions.....

worriedwife2

Absolutely love it!!!:rotfxko

worriedwife2

Well, you did say any suggestions..... [/QUOTE]

Katiekate

LOL don't hold back on telling us how you really see it lol. It's so funny how we can pin point when someone else is doing it, but can't see it in relation to ourselves. Slippery slope this dance. Probably would get more love, compassion and warm and fuzzies from an iguana, I know for a fact that I would at this point.

Hypatia

Yep, I'm great at spotting it for other people, but then I go ahead and do the exact opposite.

That's why I'm here, and why I count on all of you to return the favour and give me a swift kick when I need one.