Question about "letting go"
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
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Question about "letting go"
How do you "let go" (not end the relationship per se, but give up control) yet still be "in" the relationship and move forward with the relationship? How can one "let go and let God" with the understanding that they "could" be lying...... how do you trust and let go at the same time?
It feels scary because it is a huge risk. How can I "let go" yet still be on the look-out for danger?
I have read so much about letting go....
I have tried to "let go" (see previous posts) but then I feel like my RABF pulls me back in. And then I feel myself getting disappointed all over again (but I am unsure if this disappointment is justified or just my CODA issues)
I had told him earlier this week that we should not speak until Sunday (give both our brains and hearts a break). Yet he has continually touched base with me (wanting to get together, telling me about his meetings, his feelings, making sure that I am not severing the relationship, etc) and when I feel like my heart is opening up in hope, he breaks a promise ( a little one, but still he makes a promise and doesn't follow through) then I feel like crap all over again. I know that no one can "make" a person feel a certain way. But where does one draw the line between patience and straight-up self preservation???? I feel like this is a battle of egos........ his recovery versus mine and at the core......... the wanting and the will for us to work.
So...... how do I "let go"? I wish I understood, but i am terribly confused.
p.s. please don't be mean to me....... I know that I shouldn't answer phone calls or look at texts, but when someone whom is in recovery (and someone I love) tries to make a connect, I answer because there is love there...... there is strength there..... there is an effort there.
Thanks for reading
It feels scary because it is a huge risk. How can I "let go" yet still be on the look-out for danger?
I have read so much about letting go....
I have tried to "let go" (see previous posts) but then I feel like my RABF pulls me back in. And then I feel myself getting disappointed all over again (but I am unsure if this disappointment is justified or just my CODA issues)
I had told him earlier this week that we should not speak until Sunday (give both our brains and hearts a break). Yet he has continually touched base with me (wanting to get together, telling me about his meetings, his feelings, making sure that I am not severing the relationship, etc) and when I feel like my heart is opening up in hope, he breaks a promise ( a little one, but still he makes a promise and doesn't follow through) then I feel like crap all over again. I know that no one can "make" a person feel a certain way. But where does one draw the line between patience and straight-up self preservation???? I feel like this is a battle of egos........ his recovery versus mine and at the core......... the wanting and the will for us to work.
So...... how do I "let go"? I wish I understood, but i am terribly confused.
p.s. please don't be mean to me....... I know that I shouldn't answer phone calls or look at texts, but when someone whom is in recovery (and someone I love) tries to make a connect, I answer because there is love there...... there is strength there..... there is an effort there.
Thanks for reading
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Letting go.....acceptance......living in the present moment......
These concepts are all related, if not even just different ways of saying the same thing. Letting go means accepting WHAT IS. You are in a relationship with someone who apparently doesn't respect your boundaries (don't call until Sunday) breaks his promises (even if it is small) but you say you are okay with that because he is "making an effort."
Okay, if making an effort is enough for you--then it's enough. If it's not, then you are trying to control him--to make him be who you want him to be. That doesn't sound like love to me. If you love someone, you love them AS THEY ARE, not as you hope they will be once they do what you want.
Can you accept that this might not work out the way you want it to? Can you accept that he may never become that person you wish him to be? Can you accept that the lying, promise-breaking, boundary stepping may never go away? Can you accept that outcomes are possible that don't line up with your expectations? Can you be okay with that? That's what letting go means.
L
These concepts are all related, if not even just different ways of saying the same thing. Letting go means accepting WHAT IS. You are in a relationship with someone who apparently doesn't respect your boundaries (don't call until Sunday) breaks his promises (even if it is small) but you say you are okay with that because he is "making an effort."
Okay, if making an effort is enough for you--then it's enough. If it's not, then you are trying to control him--to make him be who you want him to be. That doesn't sound like love to me. If you love someone, you love them AS THEY ARE, not as you hope they will be once they do what you want.
Can you accept that this might not work out the way you want it to? Can you accept that he may never become that person you wish him to be? Can you accept that the lying, promise-breaking, boundary stepping may never go away? Can you accept that outcomes are possible that don't line up with your expectations? Can you be okay with that? That's what letting go means.
L
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Let go. Let go of the outcomes. Give up the illusion of control. You cannot make another person do your will. You can only control yourself.
By building your own relationship with God, and opening the line of communication between you and God, you begin to realize that everyone has that opportunity, even the alcoholic. And you build faith in your Higher Power that He is the only one in control. Not you, not the addict, not the alcoholic. And with that faith, you begin to let go and let God take over the steering wheel. You realize that all the things you have been doing for the alcoholic are just getting in God's way. You take a big step back and keep doing so until you can see clearly.
Trust? Letting go and letting God does not build trust between you and the alcoholic. It builds trust between you and God. If a person lies to you, it is smart that you not believe them in the future. If a person cheats on you, it is smart to walk away from them.
Have you worked on detachment yet?
How can one "let go and let God" with the understanding that they "could" be lying...... how do you trust and let go at the same time?
Trust? Letting go and letting God does not build trust between you and the alcoholic. It builds trust between you and God. If a person lies to you, it is smart that you not believe them in the future. If a person cheats on you, it is smart to walk away from them.
Have you worked on detachment yet?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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wow, this forum continues to impress. Anvilhead and LaTeeDa, thank you. Thank you VERY much. Nope, that cooler doesn't have my lung in it. Nope, I don't want to be controlled nor control. "Being in the moment," ironically I studied a little Buddhism and that is one of their major teachings; funny how I never really made the connect.
Maybe it also really comes to ACTING other than reacting.
I don't really know what my boundaries are..... isn't that sad???? I think that I have kind of just gone with the flow (and that has obviously worked SOOOO well! lol) By not having firm boundaries, they are flexible like rubberbands (but now they are dry-rotted and about to snap!)
Maybe it also really comes to ACTING other than reacting.
I don't really know what my boundaries are..... isn't that sad???? I think that I have kind of just gone with the flow (and that has obviously worked SOOOO well! lol) By not having firm boundaries, they are flexible like rubberbands (but now they are dry-rotted and about to snap!)
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anvilhead,
Hmmmmm. I have VERY poor boundaries. But I plan on thinking about what you wrote this weekend. I guess I thought that I was being "flexible" and "nice" apparently I am a doormat.
Do you go against personal values or rights in order to please others? yes, my values are malleable and change according to the company I keep. Thank God I haven't been around very many unsavory characters or else I would probably be in jail or dead.
Do you let others define who you are? yes. I am like a chameleon, changing according to the company I keep. I have NO idea who I am..... well maybe there is a part of me deep inside that knows.
Do you expect others to fill your needs immediately and automatically? yes. I think that they can read my mind..... as I try to read theirs. I am also afraid that if I don't "grab" the kindness when it's offered, I may lose out..... don't know when the opportunity will come around again. Add this to the fact that I am afraid every day could be the last....... I NEED it now.
Do you feel guilty when you say no? yes (although this has gotten better as of late)
Do you hesitate to speak up when you disagree or are being treated poorly? yes. example: there was a hair in my food the other day (yuck....disgusting). Did I go back and complain? Get my money back? no, I just kept my mouth shut and threw it away. Wasted money and wasted opportunity (to speak up for myself)
Do you fall “in love” easily with people you barely know? yes. Every man is my "soulmate"
Do you ever say “No” without an explanation? No. I always follow-up with an explanation because I feel guilty.
Answering those questions were bothersome, yet liberating. I feel silly. but now that I see it in black and white, it can sink in.......
Hmmmmm. I have VERY poor boundaries. But I plan on thinking about what you wrote this weekend. I guess I thought that I was being "flexible" and "nice" apparently I am a doormat.
Do you go against personal values or rights in order to please others? yes, my values are malleable and change according to the company I keep. Thank God I haven't been around very many unsavory characters or else I would probably be in jail or dead.
Do you let others define who you are? yes. I am like a chameleon, changing according to the company I keep. I have NO idea who I am..... well maybe there is a part of me deep inside that knows.
Do you expect others to fill your needs immediately and automatically? yes. I think that they can read my mind..... as I try to read theirs. I am also afraid that if I don't "grab" the kindness when it's offered, I may lose out..... don't know when the opportunity will come around again. Add this to the fact that I am afraid every day could be the last....... I NEED it now.
Do you feel guilty when you say no? yes (although this has gotten better as of late)
Do you hesitate to speak up when you disagree or are being treated poorly? yes. example: there was a hair in my food the other day (yuck....disgusting). Did I go back and complain? Get my money back? no, I just kept my mouth shut and threw it away. Wasted money and wasted opportunity (to speak up for myself)
Do you fall “in love” easily with people you barely know? yes. Every man is my "soulmate"
Do you ever say “No” without an explanation? No. I always follow-up with an explanation because I feel guilty.
Answering those questions were bothersome, yet liberating. I feel silly. but now that I see it in black and white, it can sink in.......
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
I am printing out "Know My Rights"
I will keep them close to my heart as I start to walk down a new path.
I am kind of excited. Kind of like a child that has finally realized that it is "her" in the reflection in the mirror
I will keep them close to my heart as I start to walk down a new path.
I am kind of excited. Kind of like a child that has finally realized that it is "her" in the reflection in the mirror
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You are projecting...
...and I'm not being mean. I'm being direct. When someone whom is in recovery tries to make a connection, in my opinion it rarely has a dang thing to do with love, strength, or effort.
What it really is:
The bottom line is this, the number one reason they are normally reaching out is because they are selfish and they have an agenda.
That said, I can't definitively say why your particular alcoholic is reaching out-- many codependents think they, their alcoholic, and their situation is completely unique (which is patently untrue 99.9 percent of the time), but on very, very, very rare occasions they can behave out of alcoholic character.
Please consider going to Alanon. There you will learn to see things as they are, not as you want them to be.
Take care,
Cyranoak
What it really is:
- They are lonely.
- They are manipulating your feelings.
- They are keeping you connected so you'll be there to enable and "support" them when they get out.
- They are feeling sorry for themselves and know you'll make them feel better and tell them everything is going to be OK.
The bottom line is this, the number one reason they are normally reaching out is because they are selfish and they have an agenda.
That said, I can't definitively say why your particular alcoholic is reaching out-- many codependents think they, their alcoholic, and their situation is completely unique (which is patently untrue 99.9 percent of the time), but on very, very, very rare occasions they can behave out of alcoholic character.
Please consider going to Alanon. There you will learn to see things as they are, not as you want them to be.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled 
p.s. please don't be mean to me....... I know that I shouldn't answer phone calls or look at texts, but when someone whom is in recovery (and someone I love) tries to make a connect, I answer because there is love there...... there is strength there..... there is an effort there.
Thanks for reading
Thanks for reading
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled
Do you ever say “No” without an explanation? No. I always follow-up with an explanation because I feel guilty.
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Posts: 166
Cyranoak,
I appreciate your directness.
I think that the most difficult thing is that this scenario pararells my parents relationship. My father was/is an alcoholic. Mom hid it from my brother and I (although I have memories of looking for beer cans in his shed, so I guess I really did know as a kid). Once my brother and I moved out, mom said she no longer had to stay. Father stops drinking, goes to AA and is still sober to this day.
In my mind my father loved my mother so much that he quit drinking. But in reality he probably realized she was really leaving and it scared him.
When I really think about it.... "A" has all the good qualities my father had/has. Hard worker (both my father and "A" NEVER miss work regardless of how hungover they must have been), they both even look alike. So this situation is TOTALLY reliving my childhood drama. I realize this. And it makes it so much harder.
In a way, this is a gift. I have an opportunity to possibly heal old wounds.
And I am going to an ACOA/Al ANon meeting in an hour and a half.
I appreciate your directness.
I think that the most difficult thing is that this scenario pararells my parents relationship. My father was/is an alcoholic. Mom hid it from my brother and I (although I have memories of looking for beer cans in his shed, so I guess I really did know as a kid). Once my brother and I moved out, mom said she no longer had to stay. Father stops drinking, goes to AA and is still sober to this day.
In my mind my father loved my mother so much that he quit drinking. But in reality he probably realized she was really leaving and it scared him.
When I really think about it.... "A" has all the good qualities my father had/has. Hard worker (both my father and "A" NEVER miss work regardless of how hungover they must have been), they both even look alike. So this situation is TOTALLY reliving my childhood drama. I realize this. And it makes it so much harder.
In a way, this is a gift. I have an opportunity to possibly heal old wounds.
And I am going to an ACOA/Al ANon meeting in an hour and a half.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Dear Road,
I do not have expertise in this area as it was my father that was an alcoholic and my son an addict. I just wanted to mention that one of the happiest women I met in AlAnon was living w/her active alcoholic husband. I wanted to ask her to be my sponsor, but another very dear friend in the group had asked her to be her sponsor so I changed my mind. But she is a very respected, serene woman - so it "may" be possible for some people to detach w/love and still stay married to their alcoholic spouse. I don't think I could do it.
I hope you find guidance, experience, strength and hope at the meeting your attending.
p.s.
I wanted to add that my AlAnon meeting was Friday nights and I've got to say, that is one of the GREATEST ways to spend Friday nights!
I do not have expertise in this area as it was my father that was an alcoholic and my son an addict. I just wanted to mention that one of the happiest women I met in AlAnon was living w/her active alcoholic husband. I wanted to ask her to be my sponsor, but another very dear friend in the group had asked her to be her sponsor so I changed my mind. But she is a very respected, serene woman - so it "may" be possible for some people to detach w/love and still stay married to their alcoholic spouse. I don't think I could do it.
I hope you find guidance, experience, strength and hope at the meeting your attending.
p.s.
I wanted to add that my AlAnon meeting was Friday nights and I've got to say, that is one of the GREATEST ways to spend Friday nights!
Last edited by JMFburns; 07-27-2012 at 02:22 PM. Reason: p.s.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Cyranoak, can I ask a question?
I love how you outlined the motives of our alcoholics reaching out...
When they are recovering, which is a life long journey, how do you know when responding to that reaching out...is genuine versus agenda?
Do you avoid in their first year?
Forever?
I love how you outlined the motives of our alcoholics reaching out...
When they are recovering, which is a life long journey, how do you know when responding to that reaching out...is genuine versus agenda?
Do you avoid in their first year?
Forever?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled
How do you "let go" (not end the relationship per se, but give up control) yet still be "in" the relationship and move forward with the relationship? How can one "let go and let God" with the understanding that they "could" be lying...... how do you trust and let go at the same time?
Not anymore. Alcohol and drugs have their hands on her mind and body....not mine anymore. I don't know if one ever "moves forward" with the relationship because that presumes the person is now committed to you more than the addiction. If that is what is happening, then there is hope; if not, we are waiting our turn because we are the mistress to the real love of the addiction with respect to how the addict thinks.
I'm not going to be mean to you, no one has that right. I do know exactly how you feel and ultimately you must travel your chosen path in life. All I would say is that you read as much as you can to learn about this insidious desease of addiction. I would also say that, no matter the path you take, you also work the 12 steps through Al-Anon or however you see fit.
For me the answer was learning to separate myself from the addiction and work on me. If the person with the addiction chooses to walk with me....fine; if not, then I hold my head up high and walk as a person who recognizes my self worth and live the full life I deserve.
Do what works for you and live the life you have always wanted with all your wonderful hopes and dreams. If you boyfriend wants to join you, he will walk beside you. If not...hold you head up high, don't look back, and live life to its fullest.
I wish you well.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello rdlesstraveled, and pleased to "meet" you 
In my case I had to understand a few concepts before I could actually "Let go".
- The full statement is "Let go, or be dragged". This tells me that I am "hanging on" to something that has it's own power and direction, which I can _not_ control. If I happen to like this "thing" and where it is going then I can hang on and enjoy the ride. Otherwise I am going to be unhappy and hurt.
- I have an addiction too, except it's not to a chemical, and it's not to my "qualifer". My addiction is to _fantasies_. I have a fantasy about what I want my soul-mate to be, what I want my relationship to be. This is different from having a list of "items" that I need in a relationship, it is a fantasy because if I do _not_ have those "items" I will do whatever it takes to force reality into fitting my expectations.
For example; my ex developed a terrible addiction to pain pills after being very ill. My fantasy was that my soul-mate would be interested in personal growth and always working on improving herself. My fantasy was that both of us would work together on our own issues and as a result our relationship would grow stronger over time.
The truth is that my ex was perfectly happy with herself and had no interest whatsoever in any kind of personal growth. Instead of accepting that truth I allowed my fantasy to drive my actions. I expected her to contact support groups for her medical condition. She did not. I expected her to contact her physician about her dependency on pain pills. She did not.
When she did not meet my fantasy I left pamphlets around the house. I made hints. I counted pills. I did my very best to change _her_ into my fantasy.
- The concept of "Letting go" is about _me_ letting go of _my_ addiction to fantasies.
I discovered that the fantasy woman in my addiction would never lie to me. The _real_ woman I was married to happened to have an addiction to pills, and that addiction drove her to lie. Regularly.
I discovered that I could automatically trust the fantasy woman in my addiction and never worry about having that trust broken. The _real_ woman I was married to was... well... real and I should allow her to _earn_ my trust. In the same way that I had to earn _her_ trust when we were dating.
In my fantasy my soul-mate and I would always overcome the hardships of life and live happily ever after. In the real world I married a lovely woman who had all kinds of fantastic virtues and was the best partner I could ever have. She _also_ was overwhelmed by her illness and at that point in her life she was unable to overcome the addiciton. Perhaps in the future she could. Perhaps if enough "bottoms" ocurred she would be motivated to seek treatment. Perhaps many things, but what was _not_ a perhaps is that at that point in our lives she had no interest in recovery.
It was _me_ that had a fantasy about _her_ and it was that fantasy that was dragging me into the chaos of "co-dependency". When I got involved in _my_ recovery I was able to see reality and make decisions that were healthy for _me_. By removing her biggest enabler ( me ) I gave her a better chance at finding her own recovery.
Mike
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled
.... How can one "let go and let God" with the understanding that they "could" be lying...... how do you trust and let go at the same time?...
- The full statement is "Let go, or be dragged". This tells me that I am "hanging on" to something that has it's own power and direction, which I can _not_ control. If I happen to like this "thing" and where it is going then I can hang on and enjoy the ride. Otherwise I am going to be unhappy and hurt.
- I have an addiction too, except it's not to a chemical, and it's not to my "qualifer". My addiction is to _fantasies_. I have a fantasy about what I want my soul-mate to be, what I want my relationship to be. This is different from having a list of "items" that I need in a relationship, it is a fantasy because if I do _not_ have those "items" I will do whatever it takes to force reality into fitting my expectations.
For example; my ex developed a terrible addiction to pain pills after being very ill. My fantasy was that my soul-mate would be interested in personal growth and always working on improving herself. My fantasy was that both of us would work together on our own issues and as a result our relationship would grow stronger over time.
The truth is that my ex was perfectly happy with herself and had no interest whatsoever in any kind of personal growth. Instead of accepting that truth I allowed my fantasy to drive my actions. I expected her to contact support groups for her medical condition. She did not. I expected her to contact her physician about her dependency on pain pills. She did not.
When she did not meet my fantasy I left pamphlets around the house. I made hints. I counted pills. I did my very best to change _her_ into my fantasy.
- The concept of "Letting go" is about _me_ letting go of _my_ addiction to fantasies.
I discovered that the fantasy woman in my addiction would never lie to me. The _real_ woman I was married to happened to have an addiction to pills, and that addiction drove her to lie. Regularly.
I discovered that I could automatically trust the fantasy woman in my addiction and never worry about having that trust broken. The _real_ woman I was married to was... well... real and I should allow her to _earn_ my trust. In the same way that I had to earn _her_ trust when we were dating.
In my fantasy my soul-mate and I would always overcome the hardships of life and live happily ever after. In the real world I married a lovely woman who had all kinds of fantastic virtues and was the best partner I could ever have. She _also_ was overwhelmed by her illness and at that point in her life she was unable to overcome the addiciton. Perhaps in the future she could. Perhaps if enough "bottoms" ocurred she would be motivated to seek treatment. Perhaps many things, but what was _not_ a perhaps is that at that point in our lives she had no interest in recovery.
It was _me_ that had a fantasy about _her_ and it was that fantasy that was dragging me into the chaos of "co-dependency". When I got involved in _my_ recovery I was able to see reality and make decisions that were healthy for _me_. By removing her biggest enabler ( me ) I gave her a better chance at finding her own recovery.
Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You don't know....
...and that's one of the many heartbreaking things about the disease. Often, in my opinion, they don't know either. They are manipulative because that's how they've learned to operate over their years of drinking. It becomes, IMHO, natural, and I believe most of them active in their addiction have absolutely no awareness of their motives or agendas no more so than a mosquito does when it bites. They bite because they bite.
My wife, relapsed spectacularly recently after two years of recovery and sobriety. But, those two years have given her the ability on the back end of that relapse to honestly examine her relapse, how it came to be, and many of the factors that led to it, as well as work on her new plan far staying sober.
Will it work? Who knows, it's one day at a time. But, when she was in the addiction and in her two rehabs, every word out of her mouth was designed to manipulate me and her daughter IMHO. It was well over a year after her sobriety I felt I could start to trust, and even then it was "trust but verify."
It probably will always be "trust but verify," unless this relapse extends, her relapses become more frequent, or she descends back into full-blown addiction. Then there will be no trust at all.
Take care,
Cyranoak
My wife, relapsed spectacularly recently after two years of recovery and sobriety. But, those two years have given her the ability on the back end of that relapse to honestly examine her relapse, how it came to be, and many of the factors that led to it, as well as work on her new plan far staying sober.
Will it work? Who knows, it's one day at a time. But, when she was in the addiction and in her two rehabs, every word out of her mouth was designed to manipulate me and her daughter IMHO. It was well over a year after her sobriety I felt I could start to trust, and even then it was "trust but verify."
It probably will always be "trust but verify," unless this relapse extends, her relapses become more frequent, or she descends back into full-blown addiction. Then there will be no trust at all.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by RedCandle
Cyranoak, can I ask a question?
I love how you outlined the motives of our alcoholics reaching out...
When they are recovering, which is a life long journey, how do you know when responding to that reaching out...is genuine versus agenda?
Do you avoid in their first year?
Forever?
I love how you outlined the motives of our alcoholics reaching out...
When they are recovering, which is a life long journey, how do you know when responding to that reaching out...is genuine versus agenda?
Do you avoid in their first year?
Forever?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
You have been given some fantastic advice here and there is nothing I can add to what has been said except as a fellow buddhist.
One of the best tools I got from buddhism that truly helped my program is meditation. By simple sitting and counting my breaths ( 1-10 then repeat) I learned how to settle my mind, focus and be in the moment. I currently meditate for 15 minutes a day but I started at a much smaller amount.
Such a little thing as that has brought about huge changes in my attitudes, reset my default reactions for anger, worry and panic to simply being.
When I am calmer I can see life as it is and not as how I would like it to be. I lose the magical thinking and can focus on myself. It is a good place to be.
Your friend,
One of the best tools I got from buddhism that truly helped my program is meditation. By simple sitting and counting my breaths ( 1-10 then repeat) I learned how to settle my mind, focus and be in the moment. I currently meditate for 15 minutes a day but I started at a much smaller amount.
Such a little thing as that has brought about huge changes in my attitudes, reset my default reactions for anger, worry and panic to simply being.
When I am calmer I can see life as it is and not as how I would like it to be. I lose the magical thinking and can focus on myself. It is a good place to be.
Your friend,
Let Go or Be Dragged
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 44
i am working on this same issue. i have cut way back on the time i spend with my ABF. im not sure if i even want to "let go" and stay in the relationship. its seems so counter productive... I think it takes someone almost "Saint" like to do this. to see past the disease. rite now i feel like if i "let go" and still stay in the relationship im giving someone permission to treat me like sh*t and frankly, im not ok with that. makes me feel like a doormat. how can i possibly keep my self esteem up when in a relationship like that? I understand that its all in how i REACT to his behavior but still...it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. That he really does love me, and that he's always sorry, and that its the "disease" not "him" hurting me doesnt mean squat rite now. guess im not anywhere near ready to "let go" and "continue the relationship". guess rite now im not strong enuff to say - I will stay with you, even tho you are going to lie to me, let me down, disrespect me, choose alcohol over me, and continue to distroy your health very possibly straight to the grave. I think im worth more than that. at the very least, i think i deserve respect. So for now...i will continue to limit my time with him as i clearly still allow his behavior to have severly adverse effects on my health. Its impossible for me to think clearly when he's standing in front of me, "molding himself" into something i could luv. i pay very little attention to who he is when he's with me. I pay VERY CLOSE attention to who he is when we are apart.
Hugs to all...
Hugs to all...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by SoBroken
i am working on this same issue. i have cut way back on the time i spend with my ABF. im not sure if i even want to "let go" and stay in the relationship. its seems so counter productive... I think it takes someone almost "Saint" like to do this. to see past the disease. rite now i feel like if i "let go" and still stay in the relationship im giving someone permission to treat me like sh*t and frankly, im not ok with that. makes me feel like a doormat. how can i possibly keep my self esteem up when in a relationship like that? I understand that its all in how i REACT to his behavior but still...it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. That he really does love me, and that he's always sorry, and that its the "disease" not "him" hurting me doesnt mean squat rite now. guess im not anywhere near ready to "let go" and "continue the relationship". guess rite now im not strong enuff to say - I will stay with you, even tho you are going to lie to me, let me down, disrespect me, choose alcohol over me, and continue to distroy your health very possibly straight to the grave. I think im worth more than that. at the very least, i think i deserve respect. So for now...i will continue to limit my time with him as i clearly still allow his behavior to have severly adverse effects on my health. Its impossible for me to think clearly when he's standing in front of me, "molding himself" into something i could luv. i pay very little attention to who he is when he's with me. I pay VERY CLOSE attention to who he is when we are apart.
Hugs to all...
Hugs to all...
When this divorce legal crap is behind me, I will take some time to work on myself, and then LESSON LEARNED about alcoholics and junkies, seek to find a normal woman to date, ect.
Let Go or Be Dragged
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 44
aww - thanks Alucard! and good for you - Recognizing the situation is bleak with no future is one thing- Having the courage to take the necessary steps to correct it is quite another. stay strong!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Boy. Did I need this thread tonight!! Was going to start my own but there is some amazing insight and advice here. Anvil head, thanks for posting about boundaries!! xABF has been pushing nonstop for us to work on things now that he's a month sober. But then yesterday, when I went to a friend's pool instead of running errands, and *gasp* was drinking beer, I became a "liar" and if I stay on path, he hopes I end up in trouble so I can see what it's like. All this harassment because he's "worried about me". Well, apparently I have the right to change my mind and make my own mistakes! So I wasn't where I planned to be. That's MY right! He thinks because he's on the road to being that person I wanted him to be, that automatically my love should come flowing forth like nothing happened. I feel like he's still manipulating me!! I will read this thread over and over until I can stand strong and move on.
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