A Mothers Fears

Old 07-20-2012, 12:31 AM
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A Mothers Fears

So tonight or I should say this morning since it was almost 1 am when I got the text from my 20 yr old daughter (let's call her "V") crying over her sister. My 23 yr old daughter (let's call her "J") is bipolar and won't take meds or go to therapy. She's also suffered with anger issues since she was a kid. V had called me earlier saying that J had left the house crying after arguing with her BF and she wanted me to know in case she called depressed or in case I wanted to call (she was concerned that J would go out in a thunderstorm). I've been trying to apply what I've learned in Al Anon with J so in an effort to detach I elected not to call but to wait and see if she calls. She didn't. About an hour or so later I got a text from V asking what had she done to J for her to treat her the way she does & that she had cried herself to sleep just about every night this week. (My daughters live in a house together.) I called V and she said J came in her room asking her if she'd gotten the cleaning supplies & kitty litter she'd asked me to give V money for today. V says she told her it was late and pouring rain when she came in so she'd get it in the morning. J then told her that the house stunk and that she needed to get up out of bed and take out the trash immediately. Knowing J it wasn't said nicely. I've always told J that just because she's feeling bad she shouldn't try to make everyone else feel bad too. When she was younger I remember her storming out of my room down the hall to her room angry and when passing her siblings in the hall, pushing them into the wall to get past. <--- that's me then and now.

I know that my kids have seen there far share of violence in the home not only with my RAH but with their respective dads as well. I know that studies show that children that grow up in that environment are prone to either be abusers or victims. It seems that J has chosen to be an abuser. It was less than a month ago she had to take her BF to the hospital because she stabbed him in the thigh and it wouldn't stop bleeding. V is the opposite for the most part. She's not one to let people run over her but she says that she loves her sister and it's of course different. She can cuss and fight with strangers but she can't do it to her sister. My fear is she's becoming a victim. V has shown symptoms of depression & agoraphobia, which only makes things worst. She's five feet tall and almost 200 lbs. She won't go anywhere she doesn't know somebody by herself. I myself have learned to manage an anxiety/panic disorder and for years was agoraphobic due to PTSD from abuse/trauma. My family (kids & I) did therapy for years when things were rough & I got V back in therapy but her agoraphobia interfered.

This is like one of my worst nightmares come true. My youngest daughter is being emotionally & verbally abused by her sister. I tried talking to J (notice I said tried) tonight, she just said she didn't see what she said wrong and that V is 20 years old. I tried to tell her that 1am when her sister is in bed is not the time to go asking about cleaning supplies and that I never pulled them out of bed to do chores so why would she think it was ok to do it to her sister. She didn't understand. All I could do was bring up her need to get some psychiatric help before things any worst.

I'm at the point where I want to walk away from J but my mother keeps trying to tell me I'm her only support system and that if I do she may end up dead because she's bipolar. My mother keeps throwing up in my face that she helped me when I had my nervous breakdown in '97 & "what would have happened to me if she would have been selfish and walked away." I know DRAMATIC but my mom's also an ACOA so she's a major codependent!! My reply to her is that I STAYED in therapy and worked with the doctors to get the right medication cocktail for me to get my life back to manageable terms. J refuses and she's too old for me to make her do it!!!

The house the girls stay in is in my mother's and my name and we pay the bills since J is in school and V got laid off in March. V does give me money when she gets random temp work though, J she's all about J. I know we shouldn't give ultimatums but I don't know what else to do. I can't afford to pay mortgage there, rent in my apt and then help V with rent somewhere else so she isn't abused by her sister who is older and can work and has a BF who could/should (I really don't know the young man) be able to help her. My RAH isn't working a program so his mood swings wouldn't be the best environment for V either. And yes any given day I feel like pulling the few strands of hair I have left out dealing with HIS bipolar/major depressive/dry drunk a** on top of this adult child BS!!!

It's such a mess and all I can do is pray for guidance, courage and wisdom. And of course, post here and look for some ES&H to get thru if only Just For Today.

Trying Hard to Let Go and Let God...Pray for me y'all...
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Old 07-20-2012, 12:39 AM
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Sending a prayer.
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Old 07-20-2012, 04:13 AM
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To thine own self be true.
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Destiny, hon, it sounds to me like you have a circus of people dependent on you not only for their practical needs but also for supporting their emotional lives. How are you feeling with all this going on? Is this kind of thing going on every day? Are you the one holding everything together for everybody else?
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Old 07-20-2012, 08:42 AM
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Can you stop interfering ( Oh I mean supporting) your adult children and let them figure out how to live as adults?

I was able to detach once I accepted there was nothing I could do to change my daughter's behavior.
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