NeedHlp

I left my ABF just over a week ago, we had been a couple for 7 years and close friends for 10. I left because I needed to matter, to myself, and for myself.

He has a terrible drinking problem, which leads to intimacy problems. and he also has an addiction to porn and masterbation. He drinks during the day while I'm at work, lies to me about nearly everything. I've found hidden bottles around the house on several occassions. On more than one occassion I came home to find him wasted. One of the last times was about a month ago when i came home and found him passed out with his pants around his ankles and the last call dialed on his phone to the sex line. We had not been intimate in over 2 months at that point. He drinks every day. Some days to the point of stupid drunk, and some not. But he does drink every day, and he hides that fact. But I can always tell. And the neighbors have tuned in to his bad habits when I'm away, they have all begun seeing it too.

I love this man. When he is just himself, he is wonderful. He has a huge heart and is funny and likes to be close. But it feels like it's fake when he does the things he does to allow himself the "right" to drink. And so I left. I have been feeling alone and unloved for a long long time. He is a musician, and has no desire to do anything else, even though financially it's not cutting it and I have been working myself to death with my full time job and part time job to be able to afford us to live. He has no ambition to even get a part time job to get even a small but secure income. He doesn't do anything around the house, even though he is home all day every day, unless I am so raving mad I can't even stand myself.

I also sometimes feel like a hypocrite because I do go out and have drinks with friends on occassion. I drink socially, and yes, sometimes I drink too much in an evening and walk home. The difference is, I don't NEED the booze to function. If I never drank again, it would not affect me. But, this has enabled him, and I realize that.

These last three days, all I have wanted to do is go back home. I don't miss the constant drama that surrounded us because of the bad feelings, but I do miss him. Terribly. I miss getting hugged and kissed when i left for work and when i got home. I miss talking to him on my lunch breaks. I miss his jokes and our talks. I miss all of the good things about him that made me stay for so long.

When and how does this get easier? I feel like I am the one who is suffering, not him. Even though his actions, and at times, lack of actions, are what have put us here, I am the one who is giving up the man she loves, her home, the dog, etc. and being miserable in doing so. Is it really better to break away and be alone and on your own, not knowing if that will make you happy or if you will ever feel about another person the way I feel about my ABF again, or is it better to stay in what you know, even though it leaves you feeling unimportant, unloved and unworthy the majority of the time?

Learn2Live

Thanks for sharing, NeedHlp. What a NIGHTMARE you have been living. Sadly, it sounds like the life I had been living for quite some time too.

YES. Without a doubt. To make it "better," though, I've had to do a lot of work on myself and my life. I promise you, you WILL feel like that about another person again. You can't, though, if you go back to that very sick person you just left.

NO. Absolutely not.

He IS what you have witnessed him to be. The drunk, disgusting person is the same as the loving, hugging person. In fact, the loving, hugging person is likely fake, if you ask me. You are not getting any needs met and he is only going to get WORSE.

Pelican

Why do I want to go back?

You may be addicted to him.

Just as he is addicted to alcohol & porn, you may have become addicted to the drama and chaos of living with active alcoholism.

Here is a good link that contains information about how we stay "Hooked":

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

amy55

^
what they said.

I wanted to go back many times, then I realized that the only reason I wanted to go back was for validation, to prove that he was wrong, and that I was right.

My ex used to sing to me when he was drunk. Most memorable was " I gotta be me,just gotta be me", and one day it just hit me, I also wanted to be "me", so I let him be him, and guess what, I got "me" back.

NeedHlp

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it! Thanks for the link, Pelican. I'm looking forward to reading it.
amy55, I never looked at it that way. Validation. Hmmm. something to ponder.
Learn2Live, It is hard to recognize that it is the same person, when the two pieces are as different as night and day. But I see your point. I'm really scared for him right now. I'm scared, but I'm not scared FOR me.....I know I will be okay. It's just scary being on your own after so long. But I truly am scared for him....
Probably right, I am addicted to him....for so long my life has been all about taking care of him and picking up the pieces that it has become routine. something I need to break, I guess.
I appreciate your prayers and well wishes. I really need help in being strong today.

amy55

and I think that I can guarantee that someone here will always be here for you. There are many scenerios as to why we do what we do, and why he does what he does. Just go with what is most fitting for you. We don't know the answers here, we can just really relate to our own stories.

And I can relate to being addicted to him. My addiction was that I wanted to fix him, and fix our marriage. I was also addicted to that "thank god it is over feeling". Got through another fight, and he is actually giving me some "crumbs" again.

Seeing again the person who I fell in love with, but knowing that soon someone else will enter his body, and the fighting will start again.

Think Stockholm syndrome.

Stop worrying about him, I know, easier said then done. Let him hit his bottom, while you rise up from the ashes.

Learn2Live

Boy, don't I KNOW what you mean. I am struggling with this today too.

Do you have a Higher Power? I do. I have had to learn how to have a Higher Power, and how to turn those people I am scared for OVER to my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

jessiec

I so relate. Left my XABF after an ugly incident two weeks ago and have felt a lot of the same feelings you have. Especially the part about why am I the one suffering because of *his* actions?

It has been an emotional roller coaster ever since. There are moments I sobbed on the floor and thought I couldn't stand the pain. And I likely will have those again.

But In my better moments, I'm realizing, our relationship (while wonderful at times) was unhealthy -- so is he. And so am I. We were locked in very toxic patterns that were stressful and, at times, scary.

So while I am fighting the lonelies big time, I also have to fight the urge to get sentimental about the reality of our relationship. It was not headed anywhere good.

It can only go up from here!

NeedHlp

This is exactly what I needed today....PERSPECTIVE. It's difficult to achieve when you are in the situation.
jessiec - I like the word "toxic". Have said it many times in the last week. It's exactly what it was...TOXIC.
anvilhead.....YES YES YES!!!! I actually chuckled when i read your post....so needed. Your right....What a pathetic existence, if you ask me. So many times i asked him "don't you want something MORE for yourself? Where is your ambition for...ANYTHING?!?!" I needed to have it put right there in front of me like that. Thank you.
amy55 - you are right. I HAVE to let him hit his bottom. As much as I don't like to see him hurt, he has to in order to have a chance to heal. I just don't have to be present for it when it happens. IF it happens.
Learn2Live - my Higher Power too is someone I call God. I just don't think our relationship has been as close lately as in the past, and it's one I need to renew. Especially during this time.
Thanks, all. I am SOOOOO glad i found this site. My friends are so awesome and have been there for me every step of the way, and without them i wouldn't have had the strength to do this. But they don't UNDERSTAND what i'm telling them. They hear the words, and they have choice words about him when they hear all of the things he has done, but they don't get it. It's nice to talk to people who are there or have been there, and we can all help each other. I changed by FB status today to something I have seen on here numerous times that has resonated with me.....NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. Like it or not, I have to move on and learn to love me again. I can hope for him to find the strength and will to battle his demons for his own well being....but I don't have to count on it anymore. And whether he does or not is no longer of any consequence to me...because I am no longer living the lie that is his disease/addiction. Easy words to type....and I'm starting to believe them finally. I know he loves me, and I'm sure he's missing me....but he didn't love me the way I'm supposed to be loved, and he's not missing me for the right reasons. So....(deep breath).....getting through another day. I can't thank you all enough again. So much to think about with all you have said. But finally, the focus is on ME and MY wellbeing.

Cyranoak

Please consider stopping feeling and doing things for him. That's his job. Feel and do for yourself. That's your job.

Anything else is codependent and enabling, and contributing to his disease not helping it. In my opinion the only way to help an alcoholic/addict is to not help them at all and let them fully and completely experience the consequences of their drinking and decisions.

As important is to protect and love yourself enough that you don't experience consequence from their drinking and their decisions.

Cyranoak

Learn2Live

So glad you have a Higher Power too!! There is a trick I learned long ago for when I am scared or worried or obsessing for someone else. What I do is I picture the hands of my Higher Power, large, strong, capable hands, bigger than a skyscraper, come down from the clouds and the sun is shining from behind. I can see the details of the hands, the lines, the fingernails, everything. And I picture myself carrying the person I am scared for or worried about in my arms, and I place them in God's hands. And I stand there and I ask God to please take this person from me, to please give this person what he or she needs. And he does, he accepts them into his hands. And the hands, with the person in them, go back into the clouds and I turn around and walk away. I think this is called, "Reframing." Another trick is to picture the person's face in your mind. Then wait a second, blink or whatever you need to do to reframe the picture of the person so that it is smaller, like framed in a smaller picture frame, and a little further away from you. You keep doing this until the picture of the person is tiny and far away from you.

Someone at an Al-Anon meeting the other night reminded me that I have to MAKE TIME for my relationship with my Higher Power every day. I have been trying but I know I need to "schedule" it into my daily routine.

mmk11

This is me in a nutshell, absolutely. And the fighting always happened. I can picture the escalation in my mind the longer our relationship went on. AH picking fights got worse and worse.

Summerpeach

My last ex and I broke up close to 3 months ago and at times, still miss him.
Have no idea why. We were only together on and off a yr.
He was totally wrong for me! We didn't live together, he has a good job and a nice clean home, but was verbally abusive, really rough around the edges, was diagnosed with Anti Social Personality disorder in prison (he was in prison a few times), is a chronic liar, cheater and just all around a sick sick man.
Our sex life was awesome, we were "friends" before we got into a "relationship", he is drop dead gorgeous and we had this bond.
But as a BF, he was verbally abusive, gave me crumbs and lied over and over.
His smoking one joint a day didn't bother me (he was also not a drinker), but he's sick like I said, but still, there are days I miss him.

I have a full life, tons of friends, men hit on me all the time, yet I stay stuck "there"

I still have not figured it out.

My ex who I was with for 5 yrs who was an alcoholic, well I missed him for an entire yr after I left him for cheating.

I stay stuck for long periods....so I can relate to your thread

pinkdog

I believe he is choosing porn and phonesex because he likes it. I had a boyfriend like that. I'm glad I left him. We chose different lives. I choose sobriety and monogamy. Hugs to you. Think about what you want.

BlueSkies1

My exah also had an online sex problem that was severe enough that he lied about it for many years and never acknowledged my feelings. It was unacceptable to me. We all have to make our own boundaries, and our pain helps tell us where they are. Our anger also.
Changing our boundaries, lowering them, to satisfy somebody else and to not lose that person, just makes us miserable.
You want to go back for the parts that do not violate your boundaries and meet some of your emotional needs, the conversation, the hugs, etc. But you can't go back to only part of the package of who he is, you can only go back to the whole package, which is unacceptable to the point you feel pain.
The hardest decisions in life are between bad and bad. It is bad to go back to him, it is bad to lose him.
However the bad to lose him part will fade, and I have the same advice for everybody including myself, which is to always leave an active addict because you can always go back should they clean up-which equals win-win if they don't clean up. Leaving them is the answer so that they face themselves, or not, as is their choice.
Change is hard. Leaving someone is change, and one of the most difficult kinds.

I divorced him and went back, not once, but twice, and have left him again. My point telling you that is that their unacceptable behavior will never become acceptable to you. You will always be causing yourself pain should you try to live with the unacceptable.