cricket123

Things have been OK lately. We went camping, been making small progress in counseling, dealt with normal teen drama. Than yesterday a little and today a lot my RAH (sober since dec 2011) seems to find things to complain about. He don't want to pay for DD2 sports camp(not too pricey), says he is done paying for that stuff, Complaining about High School politics and how they run their tryouts, how is he expected to pay for Sons travel team ect... It gets to be a bit too much. Not only does it effect me but I don't know what the kids think of this and how it effects them. I know this is just a dry drunk coming out and we are going to go through some major stress next month(dd1 is having major surgery)but this happens at least once a week and it ends up stressing the rest of us.

It started when I asked if he was going to contribute to DD2 sports camp not pay for it all and that is what started it. I just gave her the money and will give him back his money. Not worth the headache.

footnote I make 10% of what he does, and he has been taking all his overtime and saving it. He did not blink when he paid for a $2000 piece of equipment with our tax refund but to come up with a $100 was a headache.

sorry this turned into more of a vent then I intended.

wicked

dry drunks do not know the cost of raising children.
my ex wanted my son to play football in middle school, paid nothing, I was the one who had to go from one place to the other to beg for equipment.
that stuff is expensive.
yeah, i understand the vent.
I hope and pray your daughter will be fine and you can find some peace. You deserve it.

Beth

Learn2Live

I have learned that it is best not to ignore or explain away this kind of thing. People have different motivations and hang-ups. Your AH sounds pretty selfish, motivated by money, and willing to make everybody miserable if he has to accommodate someone else. My AXBF is the same way. He kept saying he wanted to get custody of his kids and how he didn't get to spend enough time with them. I translated that into he loves his kids, etc, basically the same as my motivations. Turns out he only wanted to get his kids so he wouldn't have to pay XW child support. He had no ability to actually GET custody of the kids. And here I was busting my a$$, planning on selling my house so the two of us could buy a bigger house so he could get his kids. All the while he didn't plan on actually getting them. WTF?? I can't believe I wasted so much time with him.

lizatola

My AH doesn't use money to punish us, but it has caused him major anxiety in the past. My AH was a dry drunk for 15 years and he never balked about spending money on our son nor did he ever question my spending. I was a stockbroker, though, before our son came along so he usually accepted my financial decisions and we always discussed any spending that was over $100 in cost. In other words, if something was going to cost over that price point, I would call him or bring him into the discussion before we made that purchase and he did the same thing. It saved us a lot of headache. We also have a 24 hour rule where we give ourselves 24 hours to contemplate our purchases and spending on our son, gives us time to decide if the item or event is worth the money. It is probably one of the areas our our lives where we actually get along now that I think about it.

I'm sorry that your RAH isn't able to work with you on this stuff. I have a friend who has no addiction issues in her family and her husband is a wonderful husband and father......except where it comes to money. He would spend hundreds on his tractor but jump all over her if she bought something small for her girls. She used to have to hide purchases from him. She once asked me if she could hide stuff at my house so that she could sneak this into her house when her husband was working. I couldn't believe it because it was just a blanket for her youngest. I think that some people just have huge hang ups about money. I worked in banking and finance for years and have had people go apesh*t on me about the silliest things when it comes to their money. Money(or the lack thereof) is a big problem for many people, addicts or not.

This just sounds like someone whose personality is driven by money and who uses money as a tool to punish others. My AH's dry drunk stuff was all about how he couldn't trust anybody, his anxiety over how his company was always screwing him, his manipulating me and others to bend to his will, and his anger along with outbursts. He was also very depressed. I guess money wasn't his big issue. He's always told me that if I left him that I can take everything. Now, would he actually stick to that if divorce were to come his way? Probably not, I'm sure he'd use his alternate personality at that point, LOL!