Magee

I married my AH less than six months ago. He had binged heavily before I finally married him and a hospital detox assured me that he would stop. How stupid of me ? He never stopped just hid it . About six months ago I found his bottles and asked him if he had started drinking again. At first he denied it and then stopped his denial. I told him that I was not going to tolerate the lies, deceit, and loveless marriage. I waited twenty years before I married again. Well I asked him what he intended to do about it. No response and still none. He has become a recluse and not going out for the past six days. Not even changing his clothes. Last week he threw up in the living room, bedroom and bathroom with a trail leading all the way through the rooms. No answer as to wh was going to clean it up. Now he isthrowing up again and wants me to take him to the emergency room tomorrow. I asked hi why not today and he made no reply. Ok he is 73 and I am 68. I did not sign on for this and frankly do not believe him . He has been down this road for over sixty years. He last wife divorced him because of his binge and hidden drinking. I no longer want this lifestyle and trying to keep people away from the house is becoming a nightmare. My family hates that I am ruining my life. He is a stubborn AH and is verbally,emotionally and mentally abusive. Yes al anon is not really giving me anything that I want. I will listen to anyone willing to talk to me.

sosad2008

Magee
It's amazing how similar stories are. You have even used words write out of my very own diary:

- He had binged heavily before
- I no longer want this lifestyle and trying to keep people away from the house is becoming a nightmare
- My family hates that I am ruining my life.
He is a stubborn AH and is verbally,emotionally and mentally abusive.
- al anon is not really giving me anything that I want.
- I waited twenty years before I married again. [i waited 10]
- I did not sign on for this

My question to you is:
- are you financially able to leave?
- what do you think is keeping you from leaving now

I hate to tell you - it doesn't get better. Even if he does get sober, it will be a lifelong struggle. I found out after I got married (we had a long distance relationship) that my husband was an alcoholic. Though there has been some periods of hope and real happiness - I would say I spent the majority of my almost 5 year marriage planning my escape. My husband has finally owned up to his disease and is in rehab. But how do I know for sure he won't fall off the wagon again? I love him, but I am not sure this is the kind of life I want.

jessiec

If you are in the "honeymoon stage" of your relationship, and it's terrible, it's not likely going to get better (from experience).

It sounds like you just want to cut your losses and move on. And who could blame you. Given your age difference and his addiction, you're going to spend your very precious time babysitting a destructive old man.

Magee

Yes financially I can leave. Probably it is my age that keeps me here since I waited so long for this. But what this is ? Is hell!!!!
I think that he will keep doing this again and that all he wants is the poor poor me piety party. I am no longer the sympathetic woman! I lived with an alcoholic many years ago for five years nut at least his drunkenness was out in the open. This AH repulses me. I am beyond all measures now with him. Should I leave him? In my heart I think so because I no longer love himat all help

feelingalone43

If you are financially capable of taking care of yourself, and your feelings for him are disgust, give yourself permission to go. You don't deserve to have to be his nurse, mother, and alcohol monitor.

DMC

If your heart is telling you to go, what is keeping you?

Age is a number, and you live in Florida. I'm also a Floridian, and can reassure you that at 68, you're still young here.

Life is short.

Justfor1

Wow. He is 73 and has been drinking like this for 60yrs?? It is amazing what the body can tolerate. Honestly, I have never heard of someone that age entering a treatment program. 60yrs of addiction seems like it would be tough to beat.

Magee

I agree. Thought that he would be a goner by now since his drug of choice is straight eighty proof vodka right from the bottle to the mouth. He does not want a treatment program, refuses one as he keeps saying he can do it without help. Obviously it is not working nor has it worked. Right I wanted to be his wife but he took that away from me. We do nothing together . I travel alone. It has gotten to the point where no one wants to be around him. Can you blame them? I will not get into the car with him if he is driving. I value my life too much .

Thelma

Get out. It's not too late to start over and I think it's going to get worse as he ages even more. Please save yourself. You have come this far in life for a reason and this isn't it.

Shadydeal

Hands down.....leave

dollydo

"Probably it is my age that keeps me here since I waited so long for this."

Me, that's the reason I would leave, I am 65, and would not waste another
precious moment with an addict. Life is too short to live with this crap.

Magee

This morning he wanted me to take him to the ER so he can detox. I told him to call 911 and he said that he is embarrassed to do that. I said then he has to figure out another way since I am not going to take him. He said I have reached the bottom of the barrel and I said that he had not yet since he is not laying on the floor writhing in pain and throwing up blood. He said he would drive himself and I said I would call the cops and say that he was driving drunk . He called me heartless and a bitch. and I said I do not care been there before. He said well you never have been in this position and I said damn right and never would be. So now he has taken the bottle from his desk into the room with him and also had a few slugs from the house booze. Oh yeah he wants to quite all right!!! I said I would take him to rehab but not the ER. What do you all think.?

Learn2Live

I think he can get himself there. Embarrassed?!?!?! What kind of excuse is THAT??? He is a GROWN MAN who can call a cab or an ambulance if he needs one.

You are not his mommy.

sosad2008

No do not take him to the ER. I tried taking my husband to ER. They just stabilize him and release him. He needs to go to rehab. He will try to emotionally manipulate you.

I know how you feel about your age. Leaving means change. Change is always scary. The older we get, the less risks we want to take. Just ask yourself which is more painful - staying or going. If you go, there is a chance at a normal life. A chance to even meet someone else.

I think the biggest obstacle is the financial one and you don;t have it. You don't have a young family to raise. Wish I was in your shoes. You're really lucky. I think you will end up going anyways. I can tell.

Zee

Wow Magee!
Throwing up all around the house? Calling you names?
Don't prolong the agony for yourself. Call 911 and get the ambulance to take him away.
Then he'll be embarrased, with the neighbours watching him get taken.
It happened to me... it was so shameful and it was [one of] the things that has kept me clean and sober.
I wouldn't hold out too much hope... old dog-new tricks... Just leave him xxx

Adventure

Hi Magee

I think this statement says it all. Once I reached the point of repulsion there was no going back. Now when I say no going back, I am still in my marital home, but we have shared nothing, food, bed, social occassions, conversations, nothing, for a very long time.

You sound very strong, and like you probably know what to do, but give yourself the time to do it too. Make your plan (like I'm hoping to do too), and give yourself something to look forward too.

Adventure

Magee

Thank you all for excellent advise..I caved and came home and drove him to hospital. I had left,on purpose, a fifth of Vodkaonthe counter and yes he drank it. It was not a surprise. So I was with him when lied to the orderly about his drinking and I interrupted by giving out the truth. Now I also have envied the Baker. Act. Which is a mental 72 hour evaluation for mental competency which I believe he does nt have since he threatened suicide today. Told him go ahead and do us all a favor. I knew he wanted sympathy for poor poor me. I have some peace of mind right now and will get a good nights sleep tonight. Now I will keep you all informed as to my decision to either split up or seperate. Yes I am stronger by the minute having realized that I do not have to spend the rest of my life with a drunk I have options!

tjp613

Magee, you sound like one tough old broad! (said with love and admiration, of course) I think you'll do just fine in the end. I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. You've got 72 hours of peace....use it well. (((((hugs)))))

Buffalo66

Probably it is my age that keeps me here since I waited so long for this. But what this is ? Is hell!!!!

You deserve to live your life without that mess.

It will get worse, and at his age he may not do what is necessary to change.
PLease think clearly through this. If you have the financial means, and you were alone before this, then maybe you could go ahead and start over.

As my friends said to me, when I was afraid of leaving and being alone:

"What are you really losing? You do not get what you need out of this, and you do not need to be parenting a grown adult."

Pelican

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