My ex is crazier than I thought
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
My ex is crazier than I thought
I left my ex 2 yrs ago when I finally caught him cheating. It was the most devastated thing ever. He showed NO remorse and went on to see this married psycho long after I left.
This trash he cheated on me with also stalked me and cranked called me for 6 months after I left him. She stopped when I had to get the police involved.
And a yr ago, this ex came back into my life as a friend, but claimed he still loved me and has worked his program blah blah, all the crap these idiots spew, only to find out 4 weeks into only being his friend, he was just as sick and nuts as when I left him, so cut him out of my life for good.
I had a yr away from him and could see right though him this time. But even thought a yr had passed, I still could not even fathom that he was anything more than a lost so because he comes across as a great man (great dad), working man, never a fall down drunk etc. and I sort of wanted to buy into that he was healing.
My ex has Narc. Personality Disorder (semi diagnosed by our couples therapist at the time) and if anyone knows how this PD, they know it's one of the scariest because they are masters at hiding it.
In any case, last night I was out and met a bunch of new friends.
One guy started to tell me about his horrible dating experiences from the past and told everyone about this girl he dated and all her crazy actions.
It came over me like a wave and I said "was her name so and so"
His face went WHITE and he said "why?"
I said "that was the trash my ex was cheating on me with"
What are the chances?
I live in a HUGE city with lots of people so to run into a stranger and know who he was talking about was wild.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
He went on to tell me he was with her for a few months, and all she talked about was my ex. He told me everything she told him about my ex and I about hit the floor!!! Stuff I would have never imagined about my ex. I thought I knew everything, but nope! He is way more insane than I ever thought.
This new friend I met told me he found tons of meds this nutbar was hiding on him and told him finally she has Borderline PD, was raped, is an drug addict and lives on her large inheritance.
He said she was so nuts, he finally had to force her out of the house and she threatened him etc.
Anyway, there was so much I heard about my ex last night that I am sitting here this morning thinking how VERY LUCKY I got this sub-human out of my life. And also think how much more he did behind my back that I never knew.
Makes me sick to my stomach.
just needed to share
This trash he cheated on me with also stalked me and cranked called me for 6 months after I left him. She stopped when I had to get the police involved.
And a yr ago, this ex came back into my life as a friend, but claimed he still loved me and has worked his program blah blah, all the crap these idiots spew, only to find out 4 weeks into only being his friend, he was just as sick and nuts as when I left him, so cut him out of my life for good.
I had a yr away from him and could see right though him this time. But even thought a yr had passed, I still could not even fathom that he was anything more than a lost so because he comes across as a great man (great dad), working man, never a fall down drunk etc. and I sort of wanted to buy into that he was healing.
My ex has Narc. Personality Disorder (semi diagnosed by our couples therapist at the time) and if anyone knows how this PD, they know it's one of the scariest because they are masters at hiding it.
In any case, last night I was out and met a bunch of new friends.
One guy started to tell me about his horrible dating experiences from the past and told everyone about this girl he dated and all her crazy actions.
It came over me like a wave and I said "was her name so and so"
His face went WHITE and he said "why?"
I said "that was the trash my ex was cheating on me with"
What are the chances?
I live in a HUGE city with lots of people so to run into a stranger and know who he was talking about was wild.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
He went on to tell me he was with her for a few months, and all she talked about was my ex. He told me everything she told him about my ex and I about hit the floor!!! Stuff I would have never imagined about my ex. I thought I knew everything, but nope! He is way more insane than I ever thought.
This new friend I met told me he found tons of meds this nutbar was hiding on him and told him finally she has Borderline PD, was raped, is an drug addict and lives on her large inheritance.
He said she was so nuts, he finally had to force her out of the house and she threatened him etc.
Anyway, there was so much I heard about my ex last night that I am sitting here this morning thinking how VERY LUCKY I got this sub-human out of my life. And also think how much more he did behind my back that I never knew.
Makes me sick to my stomach.
just needed to share
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Summerpeach,
It's good to hear you are out with new friends, and living your new life. Sure sign that you are moving forward with life. We do carry the baggage of living with addiction into our newfound lives. I have to keep reminding myself, not to let someone else's problem define me.
Sure hope the conversation gave you the additional closure you needed, because for me personally, it sounds more painful than beneficial.
Stay away from the slippery slope.
Be well.
It's good to hear you are out with new friends, and living your new life. Sure sign that you are moving forward with life. We do carry the baggage of living with addiction into our newfound lives. I have to keep reminding myself, not to let someone else's problem define me.
Sure hope the conversation gave you the additional closure you needed, because for me personally, it sounds more painful than beneficial.
Stay away from the slippery slope.
Be well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I left him 2 yrs ago, so was well on my way to getting on my with life from him.
I'm a very social person and have many friends and make friends easy, but I did hold on to some anger, from that one.
I had my closure a yr ago, but this just confirmed to me how truly sick this soul is.
I'm a very social person and have many friends and make friends easy, but I did hold on to some anger, from that one.
I had my closure a yr ago, but this just confirmed to me how truly sick this soul is.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I once had a trainee counsellor (who I met for 1 session) play with the idea that I may have mild avoidant, depressive or schizoid personality disorder (I think she may have just learned about that in college!).
I'm certainly prone to depression and anxiety, and have had at least 10 major depressive episodes lasting for months starting when I was a very young child (undiagnosed at the time), I may have a mild form of one of these personality disorders. There is a lot of stigma about mental health, and as someone who struggles with my own mental well-being, I can be sensitive to the words and attidudes that others use to address mental health.
Havign explained that I hope that this does not come accross as an attack.
About 1 in 20 people in the UK have some form of personality disorder. None of them choose to be disordered, many have no clue that they are.
The NHS website states that: "Personality disorders are caused by a combination of genetic reasons and experiences of distress or fear during childhood, such as neglect or abuse". The symptoms sound traumatic for the disordered person .
That's not to say that we shouldn't exercise strict boundaries, including no contact, with people whose behaviour disturbs, upsets or harms us, no matter what the cause of that behaviour is.
When I hear someone described as sub-human, or as trash, I feel very sad, hurt and uncomfortable, those feelings are mine, but I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
(())
I'm certainly prone to depression and anxiety, and have had at least 10 major depressive episodes lasting for months starting when I was a very young child (undiagnosed at the time), I may have a mild form of one of these personality disorders. There is a lot of stigma about mental health, and as someone who struggles with my own mental well-being, I can be sensitive to the words and attidudes that others use to address mental health.
Havign explained that I hope that this does not come accross as an attack.
About 1 in 20 people in the UK have some form of personality disorder. None of them choose to be disordered, many have no clue that they are.
The NHS website states that: "Personality disorders are caused by a combination of genetic reasons and experiences of distress or fear during childhood, such as neglect or abuse". The symptoms sound traumatic for the disordered person .
That's not to say that we shouldn't exercise strict boundaries, including no contact, with people whose behaviour disturbs, upsets or harms us, no matter what the cause of that behaviour is.
When I hear someone described as sub-human, or as trash, I feel very sad, hurt and uncomfortable, those feelings are mine, but I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
(())
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"When I hear someone described as sub-human, or as trash, I feel very sad, hurt and uncomfortable, those feelings are mine, but I hope you understand where I'm coming from." (JenT1968)
Well said Jen. While their actions may be unacceptable, they are still a human being and in need of help. It would serve me no useful purpose to carry around all that kind of animosity.
Well said Jen. While their actions may be unacceptable, they are still a human being and in need of help. It would serve me no useful purpose to carry around all that kind of animosity.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
On an iPhone, so excuse poor writing...
I hear what you are saying about PDs. I have been learning a lot, since I have realized my RAH is most likely a borderline with Narcissistic undertones.
I know it can sound harsh, but I don't have a problem with her descriptive words. Alcoholism is a disease, too... But no one has a problem holding As accountable for their disease. After all, holding them a countable can often lead to their recovery.
Just because it is a disorder does not mean that Narcissists do not wreak havoc on their loved ones, and from what I reading, the suggested course of action is quite similar to dealing with As.
My RAB has acted subhuman, and as we so often point out here on SR, it doesn't matter WHY. Abuse is abuse. Bad behavior, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
I think she has a right to call him subhuman.
Living with an NPD myself for 10 years, parenting with him...
How is her expressing that anger any different from ranting about an alcoholic? Alcoholics make choices and wreak havoc that can also feel like they are subhuman.
No offense to anyone. I just feel summers pain. And feel glad he is gone from your life. I am not so lucky, having the child together.
I hear what you are saying about PDs. I have been learning a lot, since I have realized my RAH is most likely a borderline with Narcissistic undertones.
I know it can sound harsh, but I don't have a problem with her descriptive words. Alcoholism is a disease, too... But no one has a problem holding As accountable for their disease. After all, holding them a countable can often lead to their recovery.
Just because it is a disorder does not mean that Narcissists do not wreak havoc on their loved ones, and from what I reading, the suggested course of action is quite similar to dealing with As.
My RAB has acted subhuman, and as we so often point out here on SR, it doesn't matter WHY. Abuse is abuse. Bad behavior, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
I think she has a right to call him subhuman.
Living with an NPD myself for 10 years, parenting with him...
How is her expressing that anger any different from ranting about an alcoholic? Alcoholics make choices and wreak havoc that can also feel like they are subhuman.
No offense to anyone. I just feel summers pain. And feel glad he is gone from your life. I am not so lucky, having the child together.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello summerpeach,
I'm relieved to know that this dangerous sounding man is no longer part of your world. I certainly understand the need to vent and let off steam. It's a very healthy way to relieve all the pent up stress, grief, sorrow and anger built up over time from having tried for a number of years to live with/fix the addicted loved one in our lives.
That said, I'm reminding all of our members to please abide by our Forum Rule 4: No Flaming. I've posted it here in its entirety.
I'm relieved to know that this dangerous sounding man is no longer part of your world. I certainly understand the need to vent and let off steam. It's a very healthy way to relieve all the pent up stress, grief, sorrow and anger built up over time from having tried for a number of years to live with/fix the addicted loved one in our lives.
That said, I'm reminding all of our members to please abide by our Forum Rule 4: No Flaming. I've posted it here in its entirety.
4. No Flaming: Posting of any content with the intention of disrupting the forum or inflaming members-be it on someone's person, religious beliefs, race, national background, sexual orientation, or recovery program. This includes flaming, flame baiting, registration of multiple accounts or impersonation of another member. Do not Harass, threaten, embarrass or cause distress or discomfort upon another Online Forum participant. This includes flaming on our forums or other public forums.
No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
It is also our policy not to allow threads that are purely to announce that you are unhappy here and "leaving the site'" or to post threads discussing why someone left or was banned. Such posts often detract from our purpose of providing support in recovery. Posts of this nature may be removed and continued posting of this nature could jeopardize your membership. If you wish to “leave” SR or just take a break from the site you are welcome to notify your friends via the Private Message feature.
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
It is also our policy not to allow threads that are purely to announce that you are unhappy here and "leaving the site'" or to post threads discussing why someone left or was banned. Such posts often detract from our purpose of providing support in recovery. Posts of this nature may be removed and continued posting of this nature could jeopardize your membership. If you wish to “leave” SR or just take a break from the site you are welcome to notify your friends via the Private Message feature.
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
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Posts: 1,175
I am genuinely confused about how/ who summer/ myself was flaming...
The reminder is great, and I have seen flaming here...
I guess I have seen people call their As so much worse.
Who was being belittled?
In any case thanks for the reminder, Hydrogirl.
The reminder is great, and I have seen flaming here...
I guess I have seen people call their As so much worse.
Who was being belittled?
In any case thanks for the reminder, Hydrogirl.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Peach,
i certainly did not mean any offense, and I too have had my fair share of adjectives to describe XA over the years.
For me, it just feels so good to be able to let all the madness go......
XA no longer has any power, or influence or control over my life, and it feels so wonderful to truly not give a damn~!
hugs to you.
i certainly did not mean any offense, and I too have had my fair share of adjectives to describe XA over the years.
For me, it just feels so good to be able to let all the madness go......
XA no longer has any power, or influence or control over my life, and it feels so wonderful to truly not give a damn~!
hugs to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 5
My opinion and witness first hand a real sub human. I don't mean to offend anyone here but my daughters husband had many issues. He liked to torment and he could also turn things around so fast you did not know what hit you. He had a pattern with all his relationships. His PD type of sub human will continue to hurt people the rest of their lives. This is how they think, feel, etc. and no one can change that. Trust me I know and saw the devastation caused by one in 1 year and 4 months he was married to my daughter. He snapped the life right out from her. At first came off like a prince charming and bang.
My daughter is no longer with us because of him and he continues to blame his past relationships, their famly including my daughter, and her children for all his issues. he never had such a life until he was with them. His hole family has issues and they feed off each other blamming everyone else. No one is safe with him he conquors and destroys. Then he plays the pity me card. No pity from me.
Unless they take FULL responsibility for their actions no one can make them better ever.
My daughter is no longer with us because of him and he continues to blame his past relationships, their famly including my daughter, and her children for all his issues. he never had such a life until he was with them. His hole family has issues and they feed off each other blamming everyone else. No one is safe with him he conquors and destroys. Then he plays the pity me card. No pity from me.
Unless they take FULL responsibility for their actions no one can make them better ever.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I hope very much that this rehashing of his treatment of you will not be cause for further pain for you. It must have been both surprising, but not very surprising at the same time, to learn additional details about the destructive behavior of your ex. As I said before, I'm very happy for you that this dangerous-sounding man is out of your life. I hope that better, happier, more joy-filled days will soon be a regular part of your life!
The person and incident that sent me searching for help on the internet one night was the hospitalization of my stepson for detox from alcohol. He was the type to drink alone in his room. After getting out of the hospital, he started smoking crack.
While either drunk or high, "Jr." has:
*Stolen from his family and his friends.
*Threatened to kill my husband, his father, as well as his sister and one of his brothers.
*Threatened to kick his then 4 yo niece in the head.
*Frequently been verbally abusive (and in writing via e-mail) toward his father, sister, brothers, and me.
*Been in jail several times.
*Been in prison once.
*Been manipulative and indimidating throughout.
I have certainly been on here and posted in abject fear and raging anger about this young man and all the destruction and chaos that reigns around him.
I have never once referred to him as sub-human because he is not. He is a very sick young man.
Does this mean that I/we should forgive and forget and allow him among us again? Oh, no. He's a grown up and it's his job to seek help from qualified professionals and to make amends to the people he has hurt if he wants to be part of our lives again.
However, if I refer to him as subhuman, I am placing myself in the position of judge and jury over the value of his very life. I am not qualified to judge anyone in that way, and in my opinion, no one else is either. If I hold on to the anger that I have felt toward him in the past, it would only continue to hurt me and would not affect him in the slightest.
Wishing us all every happiness and peace as we continue to heal.
The person and incident that sent me searching for help on the internet one night was the hospitalization of my stepson for detox from alcohol. He was the type to drink alone in his room. After getting out of the hospital, he started smoking crack.
While either drunk or high, "Jr." has:
*Stolen from his family and his friends.
*Threatened to kill my husband, his father, as well as his sister and one of his brothers.
*Threatened to kick his then 4 yo niece in the head.
*Frequently been verbally abusive (and in writing via e-mail) toward his father, sister, brothers, and me.
*Been in jail several times.
*Been in prison once.
*Been manipulative and indimidating throughout.
I have certainly been on here and posted in abject fear and raging anger about this young man and all the destruction and chaos that reigns around him.
I have never once referred to him as sub-human because he is not. He is a very sick young man.
Does this mean that I/we should forgive and forget and allow him among us again? Oh, no. He's a grown up and it's his job to seek help from qualified professionals and to make amends to the people he has hurt if he wants to be part of our lives again.
However, if I refer to him as subhuman, I am placing myself in the position of judge and jury over the value of his very life. I am not qualified to judge anyone in that way, and in my opinion, no one else is either. If I hold on to the anger that I have felt toward him in the past, it would only continue to hurt me and would not affect him in the slightest.
Wishing us all every happiness and peace as we continue to heal.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Judging others is part and parcel of the disease of alcoholism. I learned this some time ago when I overhead one of my adult siblings call someone a name. I thought to myself, "Now where have I heard THAT before?" And the answer was, from my alcoholic dad's mouth. All. my. life.
That was when I first became aware of how the alcoholic blames and judges OTHERS to build himSELF up. It allows them to feel superior to others so that they don't have to look at their own bad behavior. The thinking goes: "If I am better than THEM, then I must be OK." It's how they continue to drink. And they teach this way of thinking to their children.
The first time I escaped a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, I used judgment to get me out. I started looking down on him and thinking of him as "trash." Yes, it got me out and I was grateful I had saved my own life. But the next time I was confronted with the same situation, I had to learn for my own growth, how to let go without judging. That is, how to Let Go With Love. I have to learn how to be OK with myself, without comparing myself to another. I'm still working on it.
That was when I first became aware of how the alcoholic blames and judges OTHERS to build himSELF up. It allows them to feel superior to others so that they don't have to look at their own bad behavior. The thinking goes: "If I am better than THEM, then I must be OK." It's how they continue to drink. And they teach this way of thinking to their children.
The first time I escaped a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, I used judgment to get me out. I started looking down on him and thinking of him as "trash." Yes, it got me out and I was grateful I had saved my own life. But the next time I was confronted with the same situation, I had to learn for my own growth, how to let go without judging. That is, how to Let Go With Love. I have to learn how to be OK with myself, without comparing myself to another. I'm still working on it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Well, I understand the pain, because I just found out from a friend today that he saw ABF having drinks at a local bar not too long ago. Ironically, I think it was the night that was my last straw and I kicked him out the next day, not even aware of the potential cheating. I'm constantly reminded of how manipulative and deceitful he was. I almost wish I were at the point of name-calling, but I'm still in the pain of being in love and feeling so betrayed. But as L2L suggested, I am also trying to let go with love. He's in God's hands now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
I hope very much that this rehashing of his treatment of you will not be cause for further pain for you. It must have been both surprising, but not very surprising at the same time, to learn additional details about the destructive behavior of your ex. As I said before, I'm very happy for you that this dangerous-sounding man is out of your life. I hope that better, happier, more joy-filled days will soon be a regular part of your life!
The person and incident that sent me searching for help on the internet one night was the hospitalization of my stepson for detox from alcohol. He was the type to drink alone in his room. After getting out of the hospital, he started smoking crack.
While either drunk or high, "Jr." has:
*Stolen from his family and his friends.
*Threatened to kill my husband, his father, as well as his sister and one of his brothers.
*Threatened to kick his then 4 yo niece in the head.
*Frequently been verbally abusive (and in writing via e-mail) toward his father, sister, brothers, and me.
*Been in jail several times.
*Been in prison once.
*Been manipulative and indimidating throughout.
I have certainly been on here and posted in abject fear and raging anger about this young man and all the destruction and chaos that reigns around him.
I have never once referred to him as sub-human because he is not. He is a very sick young man.
Does this mean that I/we should forgive and forget and allow him among us again? Oh, no. He's a grown up and it's his job to seek help from qualified professionals and to make amends to the people he has hurt if he wants to be part of our lives again.
However, if I refer to him as subhuman, I am placing myself in the position of judge and jury over the value of his very life. I am not qualified to judge anyone in that way, and in my opinion, no one else is either. If I hold on to the anger that I have felt toward him in the past, it would only continue to hurt me and would not affect him in the slightest.
Wishing us all every happiness and peace as we continue to heal.
The person and incident that sent me searching for help on the internet one night was the hospitalization of my stepson for detox from alcohol. He was the type to drink alone in his room. After getting out of the hospital, he started smoking crack.
While either drunk or high, "Jr." has:
*Stolen from his family and his friends.
*Threatened to kill my husband, his father, as well as his sister and one of his brothers.
*Threatened to kick his then 4 yo niece in the head.
*Frequently been verbally abusive (and in writing via e-mail) toward his father, sister, brothers, and me.
*Been in jail several times.
*Been in prison once.
*Been manipulative and indimidating throughout.
I have certainly been on here and posted in abject fear and raging anger about this young man and all the destruction and chaos that reigns around him.
I have never once referred to him as sub-human because he is not. He is a very sick young man.
Does this mean that I/we should forgive and forget and allow him among us again? Oh, no. He's a grown up and it's his job to seek help from qualified professionals and to make amends to the people he has hurt if he wants to be part of our lives again.
However, if I refer to him as subhuman, I am placing myself in the position of judge and jury over the value of his very life. I am not qualified to judge anyone in that way, and in my opinion, no one else is either. If I hold on to the anger that I have felt toward him in the past, it would only continue to hurt me and would not affect him in the slightest.
Wishing us all every happiness and peace as we continue to heal.
I felt bad for this ex of mine long enough, always thinking of his "illness" and it kept me hanging on.
With a little healthy anger, I am able to let go.
I'm happy you came to your place of healing, but we all heal differently.
Because this worked for you, doesn't mean it works for everyone.
Again, I had no clue non member had rights here, so like I said, I will refer to them in other terms from now on.
This thread turned into a bash fest, done posting in here
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