Am I wrong to be angry with my alcoholic brother and not wanting to speak with him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: santa clara ca
Posts: 34
Am I wrong to be angry with my alcoholic brother and not wanting to speak with him?
A month ago my little brother (29) had seizures due to alcohol withdrawal and was hospitalized. I had no idea he was an alcoholic or the severity of it. After he got out of the hospital I took care of him during his recovery, he bashed his head open, and almost bit his tongue off, and had the shakes terribly. We had some honest conversations, where I told him I would do anything to help him, so I set him up with a therapist, drove him to DR's appts...I had conversations, telling him how much I love him, sobbing because I was so worried about him. He acknowledged he needed help and admitted he had a drinking problem. Fast forward to now, he is pretending nothing ever happened, doesnt talk about the episode, and I recently called him to see how he's doing, and he said, "Great! I start a job as a bartender tomorrow!" I am sickened, I am angry and feel stupid, for crying and letting him know how much I love and care about him and trying to help. But I feel like I am wrong to be angry and not want to speak to him, because it is a disease. I just feel I cannot deal with the insanity of it all...thanks for any advice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Have you tried Alanon meetings yet?
I learned a lot about detaching from other's actions through Alanon meetings and Alanon literature.
There are also some good sticky posts at the top with information on detachment.
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not Cure this
I learned a lot about detaching from other's actions through Alanon meetings and Alanon literature.
There are also some good sticky posts at the top with information on detachment.
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not Cure this
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
There is not a thing in the world wrong with your brother knowing that you love him. I think it is very important for our addicted loved ones to know that they are loved. At some point, it may be the only thing they have to hold onto.
As far as helping him, I agree that it is futile unless he wants it, and wants it more than anything in the world. It doesn't sound like he is there yet. Maybe he never will be, but you should never feel bad for having tried. At least now you know you did everything you could, even though it didn't work.
Finally, the disease. Well, yes, he is sick, but there are things he can do to put that disease in remission. If he refuses to do them, then you can't really blame the disease anymore. He seems to be in denial as to just how bad his situation truly is. So, he'll continue doing as he wants until such a time as it makes him miserable enough to be willing to do whatever is necessary to change.
You have a right to peace in your life, and if cutting off contact with someone who continues to make bad choices will give you that peace, then do it. You don't need to know what he is doing, where he is working, or anything else. It just keeps you upset. Let him go on and live his life as he chooses. He has that right, just as you have the right to give up your front row seat to the chaos and drama.
As far as helping him, I agree that it is futile unless he wants it, and wants it more than anything in the world. It doesn't sound like he is there yet. Maybe he never will be, but you should never feel bad for having tried. At least now you know you did everything you could, even though it didn't work.
Finally, the disease. Well, yes, he is sick, but there are things he can do to put that disease in remission. If he refuses to do them, then you can't really blame the disease anymore. He seems to be in denial as to just how bad his situation truly is. So, he'll continue doing as he wants until such a time as it makes him miserable enough to be willing to do whatever is necessary to change.
You have a right to peace in your life, and if cutting off contact with someone who continues to make bad choices will give you that peace, then do it. You don't need to know what he is doing, where he is working, or anything else. It just keeps you upset. Let him go on and live his life as he chooses. He has that right, just as you have the right to give up your front row seat to the chaos and drama.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it sounds like you love your brother and hate the disease. if you stay around him, you will love him to death. walk away, let him learn on his own, get the help he wants, then love him to life.
i had to walk away from my brother about 5 years ago( 2 years into recovery for me). it was hard, but letting him around me and listening to all of his BS want doing me any good.
i have hope and pray he will ge it someday.
i had to walk away from my brother about 5 years ago( 2 years into recovery for me). it was hard, but letting him around me and listening to all of his BS want doing me any good.
i have hope and pray he will ge it someday.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Anger is a feeling just like any other: it's natural and there is nothing "wrong" or "right" about it. you feel the way you feel, no "shoulds", but it's not a pleasant emotion to be feeling all the time, so for my own well-being I try and limit my unrealistic expectations so that I'm not exposed to it too often, and deal with my anger as constructively as possible so it doesn't fester.
it is also perfectly OK and healthy to limit contact with someone whose behaviour disturbs you, no matter how much you love them, no matter whether they have a disease or not.
Offering help and love wasn't stupid, it was borne out of love, caring and concern. Unfortunately, he's apparently not ready to address his problems yet, so continuing to try and help will probably just set you up for more hurt and disappointment and anger.
there are some "stickies" (collections of posts that are always at the top of the forum) containing lots of good stuff, I run through reading them every now and again and always happen accross something I find useful
it is also perfectly OK and healthy to limit contact with someone whose behaviour disturbs you, no matter how much you love them, no matter whether they have a disease or not.
Offering help and love wasn't stupid, it was borne out of love, caring and concern. Unfortunately, he's apparently not ready to address his problems yet, so continuing to try and help will probably just set you up for more hurt and disappointment and anger.
there are some "stickies" (collections of posts that are always at the top of the forum) containing lots of good stuff, I run through reading them every now and again and always happen accross something I find useful
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