Audi

So my AH is constantly telling me that he has not had anything to drink for the last 13 days. Yet I know this is simply not true. I’ve seen the bottles, smelled it on him, and can see that he’s not acting right, he has wine spilled all over his shirts. I have a few metal water bottles that I found out he’s putting wine into, and he’s probably drinking at work. I’m waiting for him to get fired and get a DUI. I know the day will come. But it’s just so amazing he can look me in the eye and tell me he’s not had anything to drink, along with many other flat out lies. I think he’s completely losing control of everything, and he must think I’m a complete idiot to believe him. But I know there is no sense in confronting him for it since he will just lie to my face. He tells me he is sober and is just taking it one day at a time. He then has the nerve to tell me that it would be really nice if I could give him support. I am reading the book Codependent No More, and it's so good. But I have a hard time with how someone who used to be a good man with a conscience could completely lose this. It's hard when someone tells you it's black, when you know that it's white, and eventually you start to question yourself, maybe I'm the crazy one? I know I'm not, but the idea is still there. It has to be some form of brainwashing..

FireSprite

I don't have a great answer for you - it continually amazed me that AH could stand right there & lie to my face while I was literally holding the evidence to back up my accusations/concerns. I eventually figured out that the only way to keep my sanity was to just remove myself from the situation & not engage. Any type of interaction just fueled his insanity & the longer the arugments went on, they became more & more outrageous. But if I stated a fact & refused to engage (i.e. respond to his lies) it took the wind out of his sails & left him spinning his own wheels. When I didn't engage, he couldn't work me against myself & leave me scratching my head in confusion. I *hated* the feeling of losing my mind that happened every time he tried so hard to convince me something was different that what I KNEW it to be.

The most amazing part was that until his alcoholism took root, he was such an unbelievably honest & happy-go-lucky guy. The lying was/is probably the single most difficult part for me to deal with. After reading & understanding more about A's, I realize it's not something specific to him but a trait shared by many addicts... but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Thumper

The only thing that got me through that kind of thing was to ignore him and just focus on myself. There were so many questions (regarding myself) that I just could not begin to answer that focusing on the drinking was a way to deflect my thoughts.

I could not answer very very basic questions about what I wanted or needed from a relationship and partner, what I needed to feel secure and happy. If I could not answer those questions I could not make decisions about my current relationship, my life. I could not assess whether or not this man was meeting my needs or working against them. I had even less answers when it came to boundaries. Without boundaries I was tethered to him in a way I didn't understand even when every fiber of myself wanted away. It was very confusing and eventually I hit my own bottom and my recovery started.

To the point though, thinking about those things was scary and alarming. It was easier to focus on the drinking but that kept me stuck (for years).

I joined SR, read a ton of stuff over and over (books and the stickies), attended al-anon, and saw a counselor. When I started focusing on myself and trying to answer those questions I began to feel less crazy. I became stronger. Not overnight but I was finally on the right path.

m1k3

Active alcoholics lie, all of them. What shocked me was my AW would lie about the dumbest stuff that didn't even matter, it was like the whole concept telling the truth was foreign to her.

What worked for me was to simply assume that everything she said was a lie and work from there.l

Your friend,

fedup3

You've heard "Women are from Venice and Men are from Mars", Alcoholics come from their own planet with their own language. So, when you're arguing with them that it is white and they tell you it's black it could be black from where they're coming from, ugh.

ksumm77

I've heard the saying before, "If their lips are moving, they're lying."

mmk11

Did you confront her on anything? Regardless, how did you cope? How does anyone cope with being lied to?

I ask because today I'm in a tailspin thinking about my AH and if he lied to me regarding one particular situation. When I asked him about it the first time, he gave me the typical A bullsh** with deflecting the attention off of him and onto me, and not answering my direct questions with direct answers. I was left with more questions dammit! I want to make my peace with this b/c it's tearing me up with anxiety. I welcome any advice.

m1k3

How did I cope, I moved out. I reached the point where the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. I started reading and posting here, I went to Al-Anon and got back into my Buddhist practice.

Once I moved out I basically went no contact. I am now in the final stages of a divorce.

I learned to cope by accepting reality and the fact that how she lives her life is none of my business.

I also have to admit that by doing all those things I have reached a place where my life is peaceful, quiet, fulfilling, serene and mine. All in all a good place to be.

Your friend,

marie1960

Audi,
The lies are just part of the disease.
I guess they figure they are getting away with manipulating us, they can get away with lying too.

I had to accept that I ALLOWED the lies. I guess he thought he walked on water and I was believing all the crap coming out of his mouth.

It was so insulting and hurtful
.
My personal favorite. "I just stopped and had two beers", as he falls off the porch into the flower bed,....... sixteen stitches to the head, and no recollection the following morning of whatever happened. And then he had the nerve to ask if If I beat him up.

Who wants to be with a liar?

Summerpeach

how to deal with them, you don't!
Call them out on it. The lying never stops......ever!

Tuffgirl

Think about it - they are lying to themselves about their addiction- wouldn't that make it easy to lie to everyone else as well? When I quit being surprised by it, it quit bothering me so much.

chronsweet

OMG, that is freaking hilarious. Made me burst out with a huge smile on my face. Sounds like something my A would say, or his enabling family.

Chris1000101

mmk11, I have had enough liars in my life that I am just not a trusting sole of anyone. I may not verbalize it but I question nearly everything. If things do not make sense then I back away from them. The only chronic liar I have to deal with today is my ex. I know she is an OA and ACoA. If she is an A she is a late bloomer in the early stages, the only reason I even care is for the safety of my son. For the last 3 1/2 years, going on 4, all communication was texts and now only email. At least I have documentation for court if I need it. Email also gives me a chance to read it, walk away for a couple of hours or overnight, and then answer only what needs to be answered.

The last few years we were together, I would question things she would get all defensive and accuse me of not trusting her. Trying to shift blame and guilt, it worked for a while until I realized it was another ism. During the divorce, I found out how right I was to not trust her: at least one affair, mismanagement of money and a few other items. As far as coping with all the lies it was not easy, still is not. At first I was in disbelief, it just made no sense. As I expected more lies to continue, I grew angry and sometimes wept over the mess. Today I have to say I am numb when communicating with her. I know not to trust her because she still cannot be honest and every email from her is going to have jabs in it hoping I will argue with her. Maybe there are better ways of coping but the best I have found is just to put as much distance between me and the liars as I can. Yes, it has taken a lot out of me, women are okay as friends but I do not want any more than that.

wellnowwhat

The lying used to get to me. I used to quiz and question and demand answers and then I wondered, why am I doing this? It was probably more to prove my rightness or to catch him out, or feed my anger, and what would that prove or change?

Now I assume he will lie about drinking, and that's his business, so I don't ask. Every so often I will state, quietly and without judgment, something to the effect that "just because I don't ask or comment, don't assume I don't know".

If I don't think I'll get an honest answer about something, I don't ask. Waste of breath. I once heard "he's not drinking AT you, he is just drinking". I sort of apply that to "he's not lying AT me, he's just lying" as I see it as part of his disease. Frustrating sometimes, but so much easier to just focus on me.

Alanon helps a lot.

Learn2Live

These addictions CHANGE them. They become someone other than the loved one you knew. Those who would not lie, LIE. I am sorry this is happening in your relationship. For me, it is best that I distance myself from a person like this so that I do not have to witness the lies. I hope you find peace.

tabatha

The lying was one of the worst aspects of being with an A. Even when detoxed and recovering he was still lying. It seemed to have become a part of who he was, as he was so used to doing it and it spilled over into every aspect of his life even if it didn't have anything to do with his addiction. Sometimes I felt it was an easy out so he didn't have to confront anything or explain anything or own up to anything. Like it was easier to lie than to have to deal with anything unpleasant. You never really know the truth when you're with an active A.