Hate the Guilt
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 18
Hate the Guilt
My ABF was/is supposed to have training today for a new job but doesn't have a car or phone. (No car due to lack of money (poor spending because of booze) and too drunk to pay phone bill.) He was going to use my car-which was cool cuz he was sober for a couple of months until this weekend hit.
I'm lying in bed feeling awful for leaving him hanging without a car to his new job today. I don't know if he was able to get a ride there or not. Too far for a cab and no way to call in.
I'm a smart woman who knows that I'm doing the right thing but we were engaged. It's tough to just walk away...but I will. Not changing my mind about what I'm doing but it just sucks.
I'm lying in bed feeling awful for leaving him hanging without a car to his new job today. I don't know if he was able to get a ride there or not. Too far for a cab and no way to call in.
I'm a smart woman who knows that I'm doing the right thing but we were engaged. It's tough to just walk away...but I will. Not changing my mind about what I'm doing but it just sucks.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Guilt ruled my life for many years. It probably still does in some ways even though I have done a lot of work to remove it from my psyche. Guilt is a powerful motivator. And it can start you on a downward spiral. Guilt keeps you stuck in old patterns and ways of behaving. Alcoholics and addicts know this and exploit this to their benefit. I have found that in times of change, especially when dealing with an alcoholic or addict, it is best to REFUSE guilt.
Refusing Guilt is a habit you can teach yourself. First is Awareness. Start to become aware of when you are feeling or acting out of Guilt. Then, Stop. Stop thinking "I'm at fault," "I can fix this," "This is my responsibility," "If only I had done XYZ," or whatever thought is in your head that is making you feel responsible and therefore guilty. Let go and Let God. Change the thought. Turn it around and put the responsibility on the person who is actually responsible for whatever it is you're feeling guilty about. Remove yourself from the equation.
After you have practiced this enough times, you start to gain control over it. Once you reach that point, analyze your relationships some. Start noticing who in your life you feel most Guilty when you interact with them. Take a big step back from those people and just listen. Start practicing Inhibition with them. Don't React to them, their words, or their actions. Breathe and listen. You will begin to see the manipulations and you will be able to laugh in their faces (silently, of course).
I assume that your ABF is a grown man. A grown man is completely capable of and responsible for his own transportation. Not you, not his mother, not his best friend. No one but HIM. Good for you for not letting him take your car.
Refusing Guilt is a habit you can teach yourself. First is Awareness. Start to become aware of when you are feeling or acting out of Guilt. Then, Stop. Stop thinking "I'm at fault," "I can fix this," "This is my responsibility," "If only I had done XYZ," or whatever thought is in your head that is making you feel responsible and therefore guilty. Let go and Let God. Change the thought. Turn it around and put the responsibility on the person who is actually responsible for whatever it is you're feeling guilty about. Remove yourself from the equation.
After you have practiced this enough times, you start to gain control over it. Once you reach that point, analyze your relationships some. Start noticing who in your life you feel most Guilty when you interact with them. Take a big step back from those people and just listen. Start practicing Inhibition with them. Don't React to them, their words, or their actions. Breathe and listen. You will begin to see the manipulations and you will be able to laugh in their faces (silently, of course).
I assume that your ABF is a grown man. A grown man is completely capable of and responsible for his own transportation. Not you, not his mother, not his best friend. No one but HIM. Good for you for not letting him take your car.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Lending an addict a car, is like handing them a loaded gun. Two month sober is a drop in the bucket. If he gets in an accident or is pulled over for a DUI while driving your car, you are in for a heap of trouble and expense. It's not cool!
As for him, he made his choice, for every bad decision their is a bad reaction.
There is no reason for the guilt, this is a self imposed emotion tied directly to being a people pleaser. Guilt never leads to change or improvement, it keeps one stagnet.
He is an adult, might be time to treat him as such.
As for him, he made his choice, for every bad decision their is a bad reaction.
There is no reason for the guilt, this is a self imposed emotion tied directly to being a people pleaser. Guilt never leads to change or improvement, it keeps one stagnet.
He is an adult, might be time to treat him as such.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 18
He is a grown man...if you can call him that. Hee hee!
My counselor recently told me that you can't reason with an alcoholic. I think I knew that but, again, didn't really realize what I was doing until I got deep into it. I guess that's usually how it goes with any "bad" situation, though, right (drugs, alcohol, poor eating habits, etc.)? She has opened my eyes to the fact that I know what I need to do, I just have to have the courage to do it. I have the courage just lack of money. I lost my job many months ago and am stuck on the unemployment circuit. I haven't been able to stash money away for a secret move or anything like that. Hopefully in the next month or so, that will change, since I'm working on a license that will open up the market immensely.
As I sit here listening to a thunderstorm roll in, I can't help but think that this is a prediction of my day. Ugh.
Thanks for letting me vent.
My counselor recently told me that you can't reason with an alcoholic. I think I knew that but, again, didn't really realize what I was doing until I got deep into it. I guess that's usually how it goes with any "bad" situation, though, right (drugs, alcohol, poor eating habits, etc.)? She has opened my eyes to the fact that I know what I need to do, I just have to have the courage to do it. I have the courage just lack of money. I lost my job many months ago and am stuck on the unemployment circuit. I haven't been able to stash money away for a secret move or anything like that. Hopefully in the next month or so, that will change, since I'm working on a license that will open up the market immensely.
As I sit here listening to a thunderstorm roll in, I can't help but think that this is a prediction of my day. Ugh.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
For me guilt is something I feel when I am assuming responsibility for someone or something else that really isn't my responsibility. If I am doing something for me then there is no need to feel guilty.
Acceptance seems to be my big thing to work on recently. If I accept reality as it is I can see much easier those things which are mine and my responsibility and those that aren't. If it isn't mine I can feel compassion for the other person that they put themselves in such a spot, but it isn't my place to fix it.
BTW, since he felt the need to drink this weekend he may have been setting himself up so that he could fail at this job and have someone to blame (you). That way it isn't his fault and he is still the victim.
Your friend,
Mike
Acceptance seems to be my big thing to work on recently. If I accept reality as it is I can see much easier those things which are mine and my responsibility and those that aren't. If it isn't mine I can feel compassion for the other person that they put themselves in such a spot, but it isn't my place to fix it.
BTW, since he felt the need to drink this weekend he may have been setting himself up so that he could fail at this job and have someone to blame (you). That way it isn't his fault and he is still the victim.
Your friend,
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 18
Wow, Mike...I never thought of that. He certainly claims to be the victim of everything that has gone wrong in his life. (He's had a NASTY life where certainly not everything was his fault...but who doesn't?)
I'm someone who tries to be proactive but, because of all the things he's done, I've been cautious because I didn't want to rock the boat. I SO got sucked in to his mentality. Yuck.
I'm someone who tries to be proactive but, because of all the things he's done, I've been cautious because I didn't want to rock the boat. I SO got sucked in to his mentality. Yuck.
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