Not having time of my life!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by sweetteewalls 
I'm sitting in lobby waiting for therapist now after long day at work. I am taking care of me. I guess I know I am doing the right thing and in the long run, it will be for the best, but it hurts very much. Its so hard because we have kids to do "no contact". I wish I NEVER had to interact but on occasion its necessary. I hate feeling this way, I feel like an empty shell of a person. I feel like everything I believed in is no longer. I always believed if I did the right thing, supported my husband, God would bless me. I am just having a hard time realizing that what God wants for me and what I want for myself are 2 different things. The hardest thing for a codependent to do...is nothing. Sit back and do me and have to let everything else fall into place. I literally feel myself physically aching from sadness and anxiousness. Until I am better, I will continue meetings, self care, therapy and posting here...bare with me everyone. 
Theologians have been contemplating the deep issues of life and why bad things happen to good people as we all know life can be terribly unfair and unjust.
As I looked back on my life and the choices I made they in the end reaped heartache and sorrow I now wonder if God was in those choices. I have pondered the relationship between my free will and God being sovereign in that he could have used his power to somehow have circumvented me from choosing the relationship with my XA.
Did you ever see the movie "It's a Wonderful Life"? We are are all intertwined in a tapestry of life and we often don't know what would happen if we pulled out a string or a relationship be it good or bad.
I have been playing with the fire of relationships with A's for many decades and in looking back I was doing that of my own free will. There was much of it that was bad but the journey through the muck and mire helped me unravel the broken part of my heart and mind. I have two absolutely wonderful children from my marriage that I wouldn't trade for anything!
God can take the brokenness of life and in time, as we grow through the experiences can make it beautiful again!
Life is a journey of self discovery and not just a destination... I know I have learned so much about myself and about how to develop a life of meaning that is balanced.
Time is a great healer... more will be revealed. Continue to trust God that he will bring you through even when you don't understand the whys.
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