webber1

I want to share my experience and hopefully some here can relate ..

My exAh partner(i ended it 2 weeks ago) went to a rehab center for 3 months. There she was "given" all the tools for sobriety and we lived together as a couple. She started well but as time went by the lack of reflection, the refusal to acknowledge the hurt she has caused and a pattern of victim playing emerged. Its just my ramblings but in Rehab she was the center of attention, all the focus was on her and its a big transition to real life where being a recovering AH means little to those who have not experienced it. I was told that any relapse under a year would be a disaster and if so a line would have to be drawn in the sand.

Like many here we discussed marriage, a future of which for me a year sober would be a good foundation. Instead 5 months on she went to a park and got smashed. Just on the night 9 ppl were coming over to watch sport. Of those most were very wary about me giving her another chance. When I saw her I new straight away and my heart sank.. A dull thump as how could she do this?

In our bedroom she unleashed saying the most horrible things imaginable. The bad old days. I asked her to leave and she wouldnt. We were meant to go o/s for a week and I said no. Get back to meetings focus on recovery. 4 nights on she sits up and drinks a bottle of wine and in 8 hours sends 140 text messages full of hate to certain people.

I told her it was rehab again or me. I also told her my expectation was that if she drank again we were done. Well was I in for a shock.. Having failed the first time with the toolbox approach the same Rehab directed the blame at me.. A never drank in front of her, barely had people around out of respect for her recovery only to hear that it was made too easy for her.

She never took any responsibilty for drinking again but the truth is harsh and we dont want that. In my heart I knew it was over, reading this website has been a godsend in that life with a Ah( recovery or not) has not many happy endings. I like socialising, I like having a drink( I would consider myself a light drinker) and most importantly I like life.

Theres so much written about this subject. Some say you need to be by yourself to recover.. Well if my Ah ex had focused on the key issue at hand well I wouldnt be here - That is dont drink ! Im a little raw and im not here to offend but my observations of rehab was like living in a bubble. It shouldnt take another person to point out the virtues of not drinking for it has to come from within. To get to that stage the soul had to be damaged to begin with hence the constant threat of relapse.

Im good of course there will be days I miss her but In this something very primal emerged - I had to save myself. Bar the special few AH to me just presented itself as a life of disappointment.

Thanks for listening

OklaBH

Sadly, several people in my life could have written this about me. She is really sick. Has she tried to contact you? If so, how do you handle that?

endlesspatience

You say "the same Rehab directed the blame at me." Are you sure about this? What kind of contact did you have with the people who were arranging her rehab and what made you think they were blaming you? Now the dust has settled, are you in a position to talk to the rehab people about the current situation and whether there's anything you can do to help your partner?

Seren

Hi webber,

I'm glad you have decided for yourself that it is OK to take care of you. I'm sorry that your x still struggles and know that she is in a very dark place, but imho, it's not going to help her if you go down that rabbit hole, too.

Please don't feel responsible for her current state. Didn't cause it; Can't control it; Can't cure her.

Hugs and prayers for a peaceful and joy-filled future!

webber1

I have asked for no contact.. Theres very little point. For my healing I cant risk getting entwined in her manipulative ways.

Hi endless.. thats the interesting thing about rehab. My view /opinion was never asked for or sort. My physchoanaylst told me( who knows) that often partners are not included as the therapists form the view " why would any healthy person be with a AH". So the only contact Ive had is with the head of the Rehab.. That person is not remotely interested in me - Im not paying the bills. As for blame for her relapse how do you go from a Monday- " I love you , cant wait to come home to Sunday - " they think the best chances of recovery are without you"..

Lets ignore the fact my exAH partner didnt do anything asked of her when she left rehab.(bar the fiirst two months)...

tomsteve

I also told her my expectation was that if she drank again we were done

putting expectations on people,places, and things is a recipe for disaster for me.

It shouldnt take another person to point out the virtues of not drinking for it has to come from within. To get to that stage the soul had to be damaged to begin with hence the constant threat of relapse.
yes, alcoholism is a soul sickness. however, how is a person whose thinking got them drunk gonna get sober using their own thinking? my thinkin was that of someone insane and using that thinking got me drunk. i HAD to have the thinking of others to recover from the hopeless state of mind that made me drink. the continue the maintenence of my thinking, with the help of others.

Lets ignore the fact my exAH partner didnt do anything asked of her when she left rehab
why ignore it? i

webber1

Hey tom

The thinking bit ? Well she had spent 3 months in rehab . In that time it was drummed into her that AA was essential - I say from within because she was aware of the things that would help and choose to ignore them. It has to come from within to do AA etc hence my observation

Hopeworks

Webber,

The Recovery Community is comprised of many different treatment philosophies and not all rehabs are created equal. Add to the mix that addiction treatment is now a huge industrial complex and profit driven in many industries and this further complicates the recovery process.

Addiction is highly complex and is a family disease and the most effective treatment program would treat all family members and would be long term... obviouly very expensive to provide the facilities and well trained personnel to staff it.

Only 1 in 10 in the US who want treatment recieve it and sadly what they get is often substandard imo.

That being said... the alcoholic or drug addict that truly wants to stop and relentlessly seeks help and treatment at very accessible AA and NA groups (there are other free groups that can support success as well) can make it through the gauntlet of addiction... iff they seek a sponsor, do the steps and actually do what they are told. Most will not... it simply is too uncomfortable, too hard and much easier to stay in their comfort zone of blame shifting, denial and eventually they pick up again.

In the 4 years that I was with my XA he was a resident at 2 different rehabs but had been a resident at numerous others (but never completed) in the years prior to our meeting. His life was the roller coaster of drinking, crisis, detox, rehab, abstinence with occasional periods of true spiritual recovery. I met him in recovery and once hooked jumped on the crazy train for years.

There is something wrong with me (I don't speak for everyone) as I am completely head over heels over the bad guy turned good... especially if he has some serious good looks and personality along with his addictive personality.

I am subconsciously drawn to these guys and good guys do nothing for me... it is my childhood of alcoholic insanity that his hardwired into my brain that sets off rockets of brain chemicals and hormones for my bad guy addiction.

Rehabs are a start and at least seperates them from the drug of choice but they only can start them on the road to true recovery... only the addict can take the steps one day at a time to insure that they do not pick up again.

Tuffgirl

Hi Webber, so sorry for your pain and frustration. I can relate!

But I also wanted to say to be careful with the idea that the drinking is the problem. Drinking is often a symptom for other problems, and right her only coping skills, albeit not a very effective one, eh?

I did the ultimatum thing and you know what? It was an epic fail. Shoot, I didn't know any better at the time, but simply "quitting drinking" left me with an angry, resentful sober man who really believes he is working a solid recovery program in AA and our marital problems are still because of me. So you see, just "stopping drinking" may not be the answer to your situation with your wife. It may be a very long road ahead if she chooses to find sobriety and work very hard to maintain it.

*SIGH* Just sucks. I hate this disease.

Stay strong,
~T

NYCDoglvr

Idiot! Sounds like someone who has no understanding of alcoholism. Please, don't buy a word of it. I'm a recovering alcoholic (20 years) so I know a bit about this. Unless you tied her down and forced booze down her throat you are not responsible. The 12 Steps are about learning we're responsible for everything we do, think and say. It is a decision to drink or not drink in the same way we decide to stay or leave an untenable relationship. I've heard active alcoholics referred to as "his majesty the child" and as AA's Big Book says "drinking is but a symptom" of this disease. It takes a lot of hard work to change but if we don't, we'll drink again or be very miserable people. It's a lot about self-will, which alcoholics have in spades. If you're going to continue doing things as you've been doing them you'll get the same results. Now you must take care of yourself. Al-anon is a big help, also therapy. You didn't cause it and you can't cure her problems. Only she can do that.