Argnotthisagain

He's been gone a year...last email contact was May 25, and I just still crave him....can't get him out of my head. Everything triggers memories.

I wish for email from him, can't keep foremost in my mind that in actuality, I was stressed to the point of being physically a wreck...walking on eggshells, scared of his rage attacks, etc. etc. That I deserve SO much better.....

Yet, I just crave him, and can't believe that 4 years of trying so hard together, feeling so hopeful together is just gone....that in the end he chose the alcohol over me....

I loved his physical looks and voice..... I'm so visual, and so....hooked on bad boys.

The other thing that I'm obsessing about, freaking out about, is the lack of faith that I will ever find anyone again--anyone that I can feel love AND attraction for. I've always been this way in the wake of a dysfunctional r-ship disintegration, but now that I'm older, my fears are even worse.

I'm on a couple of dating sites---not that I feel up for actual dating yet, but it bums me out to see that the only men who show interest in me are in their 60's or more, and absolutely do NOT look appealing to me!!!!! I'm 54, and I look damn good---but you'd think I looked like the wicked witch of the west.....

Thanks friends, for letting me vent. I found out today that a friend at work is struggling with the same r-ship obsession problem. It felt good to know that someone I think highly of is in the same boat.

Uhhhh, that sounded bad! I'm definitely not glad she's suffering!! I'm just glad to know I'm not alone---I feel so embarrassed over my problem, so it's good to know that I'm not some kind of loser.

Sigh....... so tired of bursting into tears at sudden waves of memories of him. And yet, crying feels like the only connection I have left...... Wish I could get ANGRY, but I always always go into despair and sorrow, or fear of the future.....anger just doesn't stick.....

Any good little mental slogans you use to help yourself??

DAMMIT!!!!!

Katiekate

Surrender.

Are you in al anon, counseling????

Argnotthisagain

I'm in counseling, yeah.

I did mean to find the Al Anon schedule....then forgot. Thanks for the reminder!!!!

EnglishGarden

It takes much longer to grieve a relationship with an addict than anyone knows. Don't feel ashamed.

I believe in destiny. I feel you don't have to do anything other than keep your conscious contact with God as you understand God.

And when it is time for your life to change, and love to happen, it will.

I believe in the divine calendar.

When we let go and do not force our will, things are so much easier.

Tuffgirl

As we think, so we are.

As long as you continue to let yourself travel down the path, you will forever be addicted. Only you can change your own stinkin thinkin.

Take good care,
~T

sweetteewalls

You have to ask yourself why you feel you deserve someone who made you feel so horribly. You have to believe it first, in yourself, before anyone else will!

Mavis1

reading what you wrote almost sounded like I feel, except mine can't come back, can't email, can't call, I don't even have a recording of his voice to listen to any longer, you see he died from this disease but I still love him, one year ago almost to the day. I feel for you, I feel your pain, mine is still so very real too and everything reminds me of the only man that ever loved me taken away by this horrible disease. I'm okay though, I'm really okay now, I will cry on the anniversary date but am okay. You'll be okay too, it's the letting go part that we don't understand, unless you can let go and truly mean it then and only then can you move forward. I tried the dating sites too, didn't get any replies either but from fellows in their sixties, wow, most had been dumped by their long term wives/girlfriends...so many people out there that are lonely. I'm trying to live by myself and for myself now and I think I'm doing it. so many scars to heal, I'm removing the bandages now and seeing that most are healing well, I can't think of a year ago and how I felt. sorry to ramble on about my own issue, getting back to you I think you are in a place where you're recognizing that you might have an addiction to this person, I did mine, i really was addicted to him. I'll never forget him or the lessons I had to learn the hard way. keep the faith, and keep loving yourself and a day at a time, you'll be okay. I know it. peace/m

Argnotthisagain

Oh Mavis, I should have replied before. Oh well, that's me...if I don't do something in the moment I think of it, it disappears from my mind completely. I just happen to be up all night...4am having a grief attack..so I headed for SR and saw your post again.

I guess I just can't seem to believe that I'll ever be happy again. I want a healthy happy r-ship very very very much...but the very few men who make contact are super-unattractive to me.

One step at a time...at least I'm not in as much pain as I was last year.

I am soooo sorry to hear that he died. I cannot imagine your pain. You sound like you're really growing though, really past the mental anguish of wantingwantingwanting someone who cannot be part of a happy r-ship. That's a good thing!