What do I say at work?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 22
What do I say at work?
Am in the process of separating with my AH. I have bought a house and am leaving him in our rented place with his beer.
I have told my friends and family why I am leaving, they are shocked - ive been a great liar and performed my role as a enabler for so long, they didn't believe it at first.
My next problem is work. I feel like I need to tell my friends at work what's happened here, the only problem is I have lied so much.. "Yeah great weekend! yeah, we went out for dinner.. So romantic... No he's working, we can't make it to your party.. No, I got home fine, he picked up from the station.. Such a good man..". OMG I have lied so much to hide my shame. I feel like I would rather say he met someone else then justify my real reasons for going ... I am too proud to tell them he is an alcoholic. I am ashamed of the lies and excuses I have made over the years. I want to tell them that we just don't get along, but I know they will question the severity of me leaving if that's all it is. I want my friends and family to know the truth, but at work I feel like I should be a bit more professional? I have been through some tough times before, my mother and father died, my son was very poorly, I was in a terrible car accident etc etc.
I don't want pity from them, they think I have such a dramatic life and that my AH is my rock through the bad times.. I have told them what I wanted to be true. Because I've finally told my two best friends and the rest of my family the absolute truth I feel that could be enough for now? Any advice on how to deal with this?
Thank you
I have told my friends and family why I am leaving, they are shocked - ive been a great liar and performed my role as a enabler for so long, they didn't believe it at first.
My next problem is work. I feel like I need to tell my friends at work what's happened here, the only problem is I have lied so much.. "Yeah great weekend! yeah, we went out for dinner.. So romantic... No he's working, we can't make it to your party.. No, I got home fine, he picked up from the station.. Such a good man..". OMG I have lied so much to hide my shame. I feel like I would rather say he met someone else then justify my real reasons for going ... I am too proud to tell them he is an alcoholic. I am ashamed of the lies and excuses I have made over the years. I want to tell them that we just don't get along, but I know they will question the severity of me leaving if that's all it is. I want my friends and family to know the truth, but at work I feel like I should be a bit more professional? I have been through some tough times before, my mother and father died, my son was very poorly, I was in a terrible car accident etc etc.
I don't want pity from them, they think I have such a dramatic life and that my AH is my rock through the bad times.. I have told them what I wanted to be true. Because I've finally told my two best friends and the rest of my family the absolute truth I feel that could be enough for now? Any advice on how to deal with this?
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
I want my friends and family to know the truth, but at work I feel like I should be a bit more professional?
Yes--if the question arises, or there is a need to recognize the fact of the divorce, it's OK to say that you would rather not talk about it, while thanking anybody for thier honest concern. Relationships are painful, life can be difficult, and all reasonable people know that. Your partners if reasonable will let you know they are there if you need them, and then let it go at that. After all, they have their own outside of work issues, along with what you all share--our struggle to survive in a difficult economic situation. All hands are needed on deck, focused on thier job objectives.
So no worries if you don't want to be unduely open. You have a right to secrets. That is OK.
Yes--if the question arises, or there is a need to recognize the fact of the divorce, it's OK to say that you would rather not talk about it, while thanking anybody for thier honest concern. Relationships are painful, life can be difficult, and all reasonable people know that. Your partners if reasonable will let you know they are there if you need them, and then let it go at that. After all, they have their own outside of work issues, along with what you all share--our struggle to survive in a difficult economic situation. All hands are needed on deck, focused on thier job objectives.
So no worries if you don't want to be unduely open. You have a right to secrets. That is OK.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
There is no need to explain any reasons "why" or anything at all. This is a very common occurrence in our world and much bigger to you that to others. To others, since it does not affect them it is not such a big deal.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Hi NewRoad, i'm in same process but BF not H. I have not told anyone yet at work we have split up. I've just stopped being very vocal about him, our plans etc. People at work have met my ABF and loads used to ask when we were getting married as he was such a great guy etc. and only recently I said 'at some point' so it will come out of the blue too.
I too struggled with what I'm going to say but I've decided less is more for me. If I make up lies, I will just get caught out and eventually it will be come old news. I've decided when I do tell them (when i'm a bit stronger and less likely to run off in tears!), I will tell them i'd rather not talk about it.
I've told other less close friends we had different priorities that causes problems (this is true - drinking is more of a priority for him right now) so if there are people at work you really want to tell more to, you could find a form of words you're comfortable with.
No one needs to know your business and if you are polite but firm, people will respect it.
Good luck.
I too struggled with what I'm going to say but I've decided less is more for me. If I make up lies, I will just get caught out and eventually it will be come old news. I've decided when I do tell them (when i'm a bit stronger and less likely to run off in tears!), I will tell them i'd rather not talk about it.
I've told other less close friends we had different priorities that causes problems (this is true - drinking is more of a priority for him right now) so if there are people at work you really want to tell more to, you could find a form of words you're comfortable with.
No one needs to know your business and if you are polite but firm, people will respect it.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
When I split from my ex, Those that didn't know the story, I just told that we had some issues that couldn't be worked out and that I made a decision to go my own way and let him go his. If I was pushed for details, I just said that I was trying to put it out of my mind right now and don't want to talk about it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I'm with Katie - you're not obligated to do or say anything. Share as much or as little as you wish.
I once had a coworker who was splitting with her live-in boyfriend (not an A but still painful experience for her nonetheless as she was cheated on repeatedly and lied to) and she emailed her closer colleagues, stating a few simple facts about her going through this personal hard time & that she would appreciate it if folks would just give her some space and not ask questions about it. We all respected her wishes, and we all knew that when she was a bit more on edge than usual, it wasn't anything we did and that we just needed to let her work through personal stresses on her own time. I'm not sure if you would feel comfortable doing something like this, but it would allow you to control the message you send and to whom that message is given without having to directly confront people.
I once had a coworker who was splitting with her live-in boyfriend (not an A but still painful experience for her nonetheless as she was cheated on repeatedly and lied to) and she emailed her closer colleagues, stating a few simple facts about her going through this personal hard time & that she would appreciate it if folks would just give her some space and not ask questions about it. We all respected her wishes, and we all knew that when she was a bit more on edge than usual, it wasn't anything we did and that we just needed to let her work through personal stresses on her own time. I'm not sure if you would feel comfortable doing something like this, but it would allow you to control the message you send and to whom that message is given without having to directly confront people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6
You are strong beyond words. What happened in the past was based on hope what is happening now is based on reality. You need to take care of yourself now. Work friends are there for you 7 hours a day. We spend more time with them than our family don't under-estimate the power of their support. Choose wisely who you talk to - you already know who they are. Whether the others find out or not does not matter. The other issues that they supported you through are similar to the many problems of others that I am sure you supported.
Don't worry about "keeping the secret" - compassionate people totally understand!
Don't worry about "keeping the secret" - compassionate people totally understand!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I agree, no explaination required/needed.
If you absolutely feel the need to say something, a simple "We have made a mutual decision to end our marriage." should cover it.
I also am struggling with the shame/embarassment of alcoholism.
As the wonderful people here at SR have shared with me, we cannot own/ be responsible for another's actions.
For me, the shame has held me hostage. Everyday, I make a conscience effort, i find myself repeating "this is no longer my life, or concern, let it go"
It's going to take some time, so be patient with yourself. You are among friends here, come back often and share.
If you absolutely feel the need to say something, a simple "We have made a mutual decision to end our marriage." should cover it.
I also am struggling with the shame/embarassment of alcoholism.
As the wonderful people here at SR have shared with me, we cannot own/ be responsible for another's actions.
For me, the shame has held me hostage. Everyday, I make a conscience effort, i find myself repeating "this is no longer my life, or concern, let it go"
It's going to take some time, so be patient with yourself. You are among friends here, come back often and share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by marie1960 
I also am struggling with the shame/embarassment of alcoholism.
As the wonderful people here at SR have shared with me, we cannot own/ be responsible for another's actions.
As the wonderful people here at SR have shared with me, we cannot own/ be responsible for another's actions.
My father was an alcoholic and I felt shameful about this for almost my entire adult life. It was something that I would often keep as a secret.
I had to start telling the truth about him and our relationship when he developed dementia and needed to be placed in a nursing home. It was amazing how freeing telling the truth was.
At this time I started to be more truthful with close friends. A number of my friends also had alcoholic parents and I got a lot of strength and support from them.
My father's alcoholism is something I no longer feel shameful about.
db
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I can relate because my AH and I also looked good and smelled good and lots of people have been completely shocked by our splitting up (AH is a private drinker and very good at keeping up appearances). I've told close friends and family (and found it very freeing to finally tell the truth; also find that many people have experiences with alcoholics too) but people outside my close circle I find it's best to skip the details.
I've found that if I don't wish to share details but sort of put an end of the "but you two were so good together! you were the couple that would always be together! what happened?!" stunned reaction, I simply say "Some things happened that make it impossible for us to continue being together. It's very sad and it's hard for me to talk about."
I find it shuts people up; I think they assume he had an affair. I figure this is partly true since he fell in love with Miss Vodka and she is his new love now.
I've found that if I don't wish to share details but sort of put an end of the "but you two were so good together! you were the couple that would always be together! what happened?!" stunned reaction, I simply say "Some things happened that make it impossible for us to continue being together. It's very sad and it's hard for me to talk about."
I find it shuts people up; I think they assume he had an affair. I figure this is partly true since he fell in love with Miss Vodka and she is his new love now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by kpfinn
Don't worry about "keeping the secret" - compassionate people totally understand!
So agree. And for those who are not compassionate...well, they know where they can go and what they can do!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 22
Ok, thank you everyone.. This what I intend saying:
"Yes, there is a reason why I look particularly happy this morning girls, I am leaving my alcoholic f***wit husband this weekend."
I wish... Hah.
Seriously though, I really appreciate everyone's replies.. Thank
you for your support! 😊😘
"Yes, there is a reason why I look particularly happy this morning girls, I am leaving my alcoholic f***wit husband this weekend."
I wish... Hah.
Seriously though, I really appreciate everyone's replies.. Thank
you for your support! 😊😘
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Having just gone through the same, when it first happened I just closed my door (which I thankfully have) cause I was either crying or dealing with an issue involved. Most people figure it out. You honestly do not have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. I told my boss some so I would not lose my job. I told a few others we had separated. And then when I felt steadier, I shared more. It is your choice. You no longer have to cover up for anything as you did nothing wrong.
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