We talked...kind of
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
We talked...kind of
So yesterday, I tried to get AH to tell me what he thinks needs to happen in order for things to get better around here. He says that when all his projects are done, and he's not so stressed, he thinks it will be better. I asked what happens when the next project comes around? He says he won't take on anymore big projects (these are household things that needed to get done). We own two homes (primary, and a vacation place). The projects never end.
Of course, the conversation ended up all about the things I do that bug him. He honestly believes I do things with the sole purpose of setting him off (can you say paranoid?) I don't drive the way he does, and he "cringes every time he gets in a vehicle with me" I told him to drive himself everywhere then. He says he's considered it, but figured that would cause more problems (besides, he thinks it's perfectly okay to drink in a vehicle as long as he's in the passenger seat). He really thinks that I sit at a stop sign longer than he would just because I know that it bothers him. He also thinks I intentionally overcooked a meal because I knew it would make him angry. Really? When I asked him if he truly believed that one, he said "no, I just think you were stupid on that one" Ouch!
So now he's at "our" vacation home for the holiday weekend, alone. He asked me if I planned on going this weekend (he goes every weekend), and I said I was staying home. This added more stress to him. I asked him why on earth would I want to go while we are getting along so poorly. He said, "well, I don't have a big project going on and thought we could just have a relaxing weekend together." I can't just turn off the hurt of the past week, and I asked the kids if they wanted to go and they all said no. So of course, I did this knowing it would make him mad. I am so glad I stayed home. Maybe I will gain some clarity on my situation while he's gone.
Of course, the conversation ended up all about the things I do that bug him. He honestly believes I do things with the sole purpose of setting him off (can you say paranoid?) I don't drive the way he does, and he "cringes every time he gets in a vehicle with me" I told him to drive himself everywhere then. He says he's considered it, but figured that would cause more problems (besides, he thinks it's perfectly okay to drink in a vehicle as long as he's in the passenger seat). He really thinks that I sit at a stop sign longer than he would just because I know that it bothers him. He also thinks I intentionally overcooked a meal because I knew it would make him angry. Really? When I asked him if he truly believed that one, he said "no, I just think you were stupid on that one" Ouch!
So now he's at "our" vacation home for the holiday weekend, alone. He asked me if I planned on going this weekend (he goes every weekend), and I said I was staying home. This added more stress to him. I asked him why on earth would I want to go while we are getting along so poorly. He said, "well, I don't have a big project going on and thought we could just have a relaxing weekend together." I can't just turn off the hurt of the past week, and I asked the kids if they wanted to go and they all said no. So of course, I did this knowing it would make him mad. I am so glad I stayed home. Maybe I will gain some clarity on my situation while he's gone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I've had many conversations like that. In my experience - that conversation will repeat itself over and over and over and over again. Point being, you've had it, having it again in a slightly different way will not change it one iota. Also, an alcoholic will drink regardless of what is going on in life. It doesn't matter how perfect everything is or is not. They drink.
Keep posting, keep reading the stickies and other books, attending al-anon, and focusing on yourself right now. Clarity will come and it will come faster if you take the focus (and conversations and ruminations) off him and put all that energy into figuring out yourself and how you can make your life all it can be.
Keep posting, keep reading the stickies and other books, attending al-anon, and focusing on yourself right now. Clarity will come and it will come faster if you take the focus (and conversations and ruminations) off him and put all that energy into figuring out yourself and how you can make your life all it can be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by feelingalone43 
So yesterday, I tried to get AH to tell me what he thinks needs to happen in order for things to get better around here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
I can relate, after 5 days of drinking my AH stopped Tuesday. Wednesday laid on the couch all day because his back hurt (yea right!). Then yesterday morning wanted to know if we will be ok for the 3 day weekend and can do something fun.
I'm not surprised, when he is done drinking he always expects me to disregard the drinking and behaviors and start over again...... Until the next time.
I'm not surprised, when he is done drinking he always expects me to disregard the drinking and behaviors and start over again...... Until the next time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
FeelingAlone, I hope typing all that out helped you see how CUH-RAZY and mean he's being.
You are just going to do your head in trying to tease sense out of nonsense. Seriously, just back away from the crazy. Don't engage. It makes a big difference in preserving your own clarity of thought. Which you really need right now. Your kids need at least one sane parent.
You are just going to do your head in trying to tease sense out of nonsense. Seriously, just back away from the crazy. Don't engage. It makes a big difference in preserving your own clarity of thought. Which you really need right now. Your kids need at least one sane parent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
The drinking has come to an "almost" tolerable level. Not binge drinking like he used to, and just drinking low-alcohol beer. However, I really fear that when all the "big projects" are done, he won't have enough to keep his mind off the beer. This in itself may be part of his anger. He wants to get drunk, but knows he shouldn't.
Time for me to stop trying to analyse his warped thinking, and concentrate on my own.
Thanks, everyone. This is such a hard way to live, but you help me from going insane. My parents are very supportive, but they've not lived it. They are willing to listen to me vent, but have no insight, and I feel bad dumping it all on them. I am trying to not let my problems bring others down.
Time for me to stop trying to analyse his warped thinking, and concentrate on my own.
Thanks, everyone. This is such a hard way to live, but you help me from going insane. My parents are very supportive, but they've not lived it. They are willing to listen to me vent, but have no insight, and I feel bad dumping it all on them. I am trying to not let my problems bring others down.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Well, keep venting here if that's what you need to do!
I totally understand and have VERY similar conversations with my AH many times over. He once told me that my chicken was too moist! I always thought that's way chicken should be cooked but I guess he likes his dry, LOL. He also told me I use too much balsamic vinegar when I cook certain things, he hates the way I drive and comments on it. I finally got him to stop commenting recently. I told him that he either can drive himself or he can get out and take a cab. Now, he doesn't even speak while we're in the car, there's this uncomfortable silence. Well, actually, there's an uncomfortable silence in the house too, since I hate talking to him right now. Oh, good times, UGH!
I totally understand and have VERY similar conversations with my AH many times over. He once told me that my chicken was too moist! I always thought that's way chicken should be cooked but I guess he likes his dry, LOL. He also told me I use too much balsamic vinegar when I cook certain things, he hates the way I drive and comments on it. I finally got him to stop commenting recently. I told him that he either can drive himself or he can get out and take a cab. Now, he doesn't even speak while we're in the car, there's this uncomfortable silence. Well, actually, there's an uncomfortable silence in the house too, since I hate talking to him right now. Oh, good times, UGH!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
Seems to me he may appear to have things under control cause he is using the weekend home as his hide out to get blasted. I would do things like that. I would be able to hold out during the week (or the weekend) knowing that there was a time very soon where I can drink how I wanted to and how much I wanted to. I do not post much on the F&F fourum but I just saw a huge red flag. I spend time on the F&F posts (reading mainly) cause it reminds me of how I used to be when I was drinking. How badly I hurt others in my life, and how they tried to make it all better for me. I use the F&F forum to learn and be reminded of where it can all go back to if I do not stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He says that when all his projects are done, and he's not so stressed, he thinks it will be better.
When you base the timing of when you are going to change your life on a moving target, you will never get there.
You are right: There will always be one more project. One more thing you do that he uses as an excuse to drink.
If he were really committed, if he really realized he has a problem, he wouldn't postpone it. Comparison to other diseases again: If you found out you had a malignant tumor, you wouldn't postpone the surgery until it fit conveniently into your plans; you'd drop your plans and deal with the life-threatening condition. When an addict is ready to get clean, that's what they do, too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
He said, "well, I don't have a big project going on and thought we could just have a relaxing weekend together." I can't just turn off the hurt of the past week
The A's/users in my life were void of the ability to be emotionally intimate or to connect with anyone on an intimate level beyond the point of just having their own needs filled. Their narcissist-like traits explained volumes on how they could do or say cruel and harmful things to us (my family) and then act like we should just "get over it" so nothing infringed on fulfilling their own desires.
Time for me to stop trying to analyse his warped thinking, and concentrate on my own.
That is so important to do. As for us (my family), we couldn't see things clearly when we were in a state of confusion trying to make sense of insanity.
The A's/users in my life were void of the ability to be emotionally intimate or to connect with anyone on an intimate level beyond the point of just having their own needs filled. Their narcissist-like traits explained volumes on how they could do or say cruel and harmful things to us (my family) and then act like we should just "get over it" so nothing infringed on fulfilling their own desires.
Time for me to stop trying to analyse his warped thinking, and concentrate on my own.
That is so important to do. As for us (my family), we couldn't see things clearly when we were in a state of confusion trying to make sense of insanity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Anvil, you seriously have a way with expression! I am sure you have heard that a time or two on SR, ey?
Seriously, it helps me so much to just remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is inebriated while my ABF is telling me how much I suck and how I am a cheating wh0re and how I blame him for everything.
ABF went to Wisconsin for his aunt's funeral which was a very sad situation
Very sweet lady and now she is gone. While I feel terrible for her family, I tell you what, I feel more free than I have in five dang years! I feel a smile creeping back on my face, I have more patience with my son, he isn't crying and whining as soon as we get home, and it has only been two days. It's made me realize that if ABF does not take my ultimatum seriously that he must have 30 days sobriety by July 18th then I am moving out August 18th when our lease is up.
Relish in your time away from the drinking. Notice how the kids react. Also notice how they all wanted to stay home and not go with their dad. LOL. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
Seriously, it helps me so much to just remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is inebriated while my ABF is telling me how much I suck and how I am a cheating wh0re and how I blame him for everything.
ABF went to Wisconsin for his aunt's funeral which was a very sad situation
Very sweet lady and now she is gone. While I feel terrible for her family, I tell you what, I feel more free than I have in five dang years! I feel a smile creeping back on my face, I have more patience with my son, he isn't crying and whining as soon as we get home, and it has only been two days. It's made me realize that if ABF does not take my ultimatum seriously that he must have 30 days sobriety by July 18th then I am moving out August 18th when our lease is up. Relish in your time away from the drinking. Notice how the kids react. Also notice how they all wanted to stay home and not go with their dad. LOL. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by lizatola
He also told me I use too much balsamic vinegar when I cook certain things, he hates the way I drive and comments on it.
I have an elderly in-law who is like this with his wife. Honestly I think neither of them notices how constant his criticisms are--or how bizarre and creepy it sounds to outsiders. It's this ongoing gibbering commentary about her grammar, her cooking, her driving, everything. And she sometimes mumbles a response, but always with a specific rebuttal of the latest insult as opposed to just, "Knock off the commentary." I can't imagine how psychologically damaging it's been for her to live with this for decades.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
He apologized today, and said he will do whatever it takes to not lose what we have. He says he really doesn't treat me meanly on purpose, and that he just can't stop himself from getting overwhelmed with his stress. He says he wants to be able to deal with little things that bug him like normal people do.
I told him that we've been doing this dance for years now. Get along for a stretch, fight, get along, fight... So he wants to know if we are over, and that he wouldn't blame me if I just wanted to be done. I told him that actions speak louder than words, and that I'm sure he can control himself for a time, until the next stressful situation arises. See, now that he is alone for a day or so, and not working on an all-consuming project, he can look back and feel guilty for his recent behavior. So I told him that just like he can't make me any promises about his future treatment of me, I can't give him any promises on what comes next for us. He still will not commit to getting professional help (even though he says he'll "do whatever it takes")
For now I just told him that I am going to continue to live my life as I have been, because I tried to figure out what I have done to deserve his nasty attitude and can't come up with anything. What I am going to do differently is refuse to kiss his a** anymore. I will not pretend to be happy if I'm not. I will not change my driving habits (I got a speeding ticket 25 years ago, and nothing since). I visit with my family, don't rack up debt (I don't even have a credit card), I quit smoking almost two years ago, I don't drink, and I am physically fit. I think I am done worrying about what happens next. I will be who I am, and if he can't accept me this way, that's his problem. I am not, and never claimed to be, perfect. But I sure am not deserving of verbal or emotional abuse.
I told him that we've been doing this dance for years now. Get along for a stretch, fight, get along, fight... So he wants to know if we are over, and that he wouldn't blame me if I just wanted to be done. I told him that actions speak louder than words, and that I'm sure he can control himself for a time, until the next stressful situation arises. See, now that he is alone for a day or so, and not working on an all-consuming project, he can look back and feel guilty for his recent behavior. So I told him that just like he can't make me any promises about his future treatment of me, I can't give him any promises on what comes next for us. He still will not commit to getting professional help (even though he says he'll "do whatever it takes")
For now I just told him that I am going to continue to live my life as I have been, because I tried to figure out what I have done to deserve his nasty attitude and can't come up with anything. What I am going to do differently is refuse to kiss his a** anymore. I will not pretend to be happy if I'm not. I will not change my driving habits (I got a speeding ticket 25 years ago, and nothing since). I visit with my family, don't rack up debt (I don't even have a credit card), I quit smoking almost two years ago, I don't drink, and I am physically fit. I think I am done worrying about what happens next. I will be who I am, and if he can't accept me this way, that's his problem. I am not, and never claimed to be, perfect. But I sure am not deserving of verbal or emotional abuse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Oh yeah, and of course I got to hear the one about how he won't be able to make positive changes without my support.
I certainly didn't make him the way he is, but now I am supposed to help him change the way he is?
I certainly didn't make him the way he is, but now I am supposed to help him change the way he is?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: United States
Posts: 6
Wow, reading all of this, is like reading my life story. My now ex, drinks alot. 10-12 beers during the week, and at one 30 pack followed by a 12 or 18 pack. And that's just on a two day weekend. Saturday mornings start with a cup of coffee then beer all day. No breakfast, just something to eat right before he passes out.
Two weeks ago I left the house, he said he needed time to think, and to quit drinking and to go see a counsler. I was really sad to leave, but really happy that he decided to seek help and quit drinking. Well gave him a call on Wes, he was drinking, planned on drinking all weekend, and broke up with me. I'm staying with my family in Portland. He said that he has no "emotional attachment to me" and just wants to be by himself. Now I don't know what to do, I'm so sad, lost without him. I love him! but not the moods swings that are getting worse and more. His drinking is starting to effect his job, and has already has effected his family life. I don't know if I should write him, or just let him drink himself to death. I've been on a rollorcoaster since christmas with this, glad to be off it, but sure do miss him. All he would have to do for me to come home is to stop drinking. He thinks I will get a new man just that quick, but he don't understand that I just want him, with out the beer.
Two weeks ago I left the house, he said he needed time to think, and to quit drinking and to go see a counsler. I was really sad to leave, but really happy that he decided to seek help and quit drinking. Well gave him a call on Wes, he was drinking, planned on drinking all weekend, and broke up with me. I'm staying with my family in Portland. He said that he has no "emotional attachment to me" and just wants to be by himself. Now I don't know what to do, I'm so sad, lost without him. I love him! but not the moods swings that are getting worse and more. His drinking is starting to effect his job, and has already has effected his family life. I don't know if I should write him, or just let him drink himself to death. I've been on a rollorcoaster since christmas with this, glad to be off it, but sure do miss him. All he would have to do for me to come home is to stop drinking. He thinks I will get a new man just that quick, but he don't understand that I just want him, with out the beer.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
