jamaicamecrazy

Well, 2 years later I am still a hot mess. But it has gotten better. Instead of thinking of him hundreds of times a day I have gotten it down to double digits. You will move at our own pace. Be patient with yourself. Al-Anon helps. I find that when the obsessive thoughts start I try to read from the books. Or a say a slogan that fits over and over like a mantra. I try to be fully conscious of what I am doing at the time even if it is something as mundane as 'I'm mopping the floor, I'm doing the dishes." It breaks the cycle of thinking. Continue to do things you enjoy. Try learning something new. Be with friends. Your life is full of possibility.

webber1

Red Candle..

For me there was always the fantasy element in that WHAt IF she gets better, What if she does this ..... You are dealing with a broken individual and I even saw Sober( recover) a person hard wired in her thinking, hardwired in her approach to life. At 38 I made my decision that she was never going to change..

And thats were I focused on me. As much as this hurts it really our own fault - no one made us put up with the Ah partner and the fact that we do this reflects in us a damaged person.

I honestly couldnt care less what my ex AH partner does.. If she slept with someone goodluck to them and all the crap they will have to put up with..

Believe in yourself. are you honestly thinking that this guy is the only person on earth that can make you happy. Believe that you deserve better abd believe me you do

Take care

RedCandle

Oh Webber you are speakin' my language....so true....the "What If"....THAT will send my mind spinning.

What If he really IS sober now and I really AM hurting him?
What IF he really IS in recovery and my No Contact is doing damage?
What If we could have worked it out?

I catch myself in the Land of What If's all the time...I would like a one-way plane ticket out!

No, I don't think he is the only person on Earth that can make me happy. I was very happy before him! This is just why I say I feel addicted...because my rational mind can tell me, "You're being ridiculous"...and my emotional mind just grabs the reigns and says, "You silly girl, you stay away from him any longer and you will lose him forever...and maybe he's sober!?"

Today this really came to a head and I came here.

I feel like I'm running out of reading material and I could use some suggestions. When I have a book in my hand...I feel better.

I just finished reading a chapter in "Codependent No More" where she lists all the characteristics of Codependents....I was running out of pages as I wrote down every one that fit me.

I'm not handling my recovery very well and I want to correct what I can now to make better progress.

It was suggested that I make a list of all the horrible things he has done and said and read it regularly? This seems like it would evoke a lot of pain....do you recommend it?

webber1

What if hes Sober ??? What if he is.. Your thinking this person is going to be magically transformed into Mr perfect. You need to understand your dealing with a damaged person who may well find life tougher being sober than drunk.

Everyone on here can say it but you have to come to a place where you lose the Fantasy of him and see it for what it is. If you truely thought you deseved better you wouldnt always be coming back to him.

start focusing on You...

Spes

RedCandle,

I write this with deep respect for your feelings. I went back and read all 100 of your posts since you arrived here almost 6 months ago and it truly breaks my heart that you have been stuck in the same place for all this time.

I am certain that I am much older than you and I have learned the hard way that days turn into weeks, that turn into months, that turn into years...and before you know it you have lost a lifetime of possibilities. I do realize that it will take time to get through this but, as Tuffgirl said:

Its a simple solution. You choose to stop thinking these things and move on with your life.

We are actually very in charge of our thoughts (unless there is severe mental illness involved).

Each day it will get a little better...and a little better...and poof! One day you wake up and he is not on your mind at all.

But you have to be the one to reign in your own stinkin thinkin. And that is your choice to make. If you want all that stuff above - then go make it happen

Keep coming here and keep venting to us because we know where you are but at the same time start doing whatever you need to do to follow Tuffgirl's suggestion so that you do not spend a lifetime worrying about someone else at the expense of your peace and happiness.

I don't know how much extra time you have but now may be a good time to volunteer at a women's shelter or take a class at the local Community College or do anything that fills your mind with YOU...not another adult who, in my humble opinion, is manipulating you.

Take care and I truly wish you well.

posiesperson

Beautiful post, Spes.

RedCandle, I made a list of all the things I wouldn't miss about my exA, and I was very specific. I made an agreement with myself that I could reach out but I had to read the list FIRST. If I read through the list and still wanted to contact the ex, I could.

That never happened (that I contacted the ex after reading the list). Because the list kept everything "right-sized"--I could no longer live in the fantasy, the "what-ifs" or the hunger for love from someone who couldn't give it to me.

After the breakup it took almost a year and a half to heal my broken heart, learn who I am and LIKE myself. I often went to 4-5 Alanon meetings a week in those days (I still go 2 times per week). Now I like myself WAY too much to let someone treat me poorly (or to let myself treat myself poorly!). I'm happy when I'm by myself and have a strong group of recovery/Alanon friends, who I consider "family." And 9 months ago I met and started dating someone who is kind, considerate, and whose actions match his words. No, he's not perfect. But he knows that I'm the prize that I also know I am, and he loves himself--but not in a selfish, all-consuming way. See, that's the truth of self-love and true love: it's not selfish or demanding at all, it's not tinged with alcohol or manipulation, drama or chaos.

There is a lot of wisdom here, and I want to echo what Spes said about the fact that all of us have numbered days. I remember reading on this forum something about that very thing, over 2 years ago. I had to ask myself, "How do I want to spend my days?" Because the way I was living at the time was definitely NOT the way I wanted to live. Wishing you peace.

posie

RedCandle

Spes, Posie, thank you so much. Spes...that you invested so much time into "catching up" with my posts means the world to me.

It seems hard for me to imagine that I CAN actually control my thoughts. But that must be true.

So far this morning, I have tried to put that into action. When I was on the treadmill, as I thought of him, I told myself, "Focus on the interval, listen to the music."

I tried to focus on the trip I'm taking this weekend. I'd be lying if I said that he's not in the side view mirror of my mind..but I'm really going to try this and see if it works.

I feel a bit better today. I think it was very important for me to come on here and admit my addiction. I don't remember who the poster was, but I want to say that I'm sorry and I was wrong for denying what you so obviously pointed out.

In a few minutes, I'm going to block him on Facebook because I secretly check on him via our mutual friends. It is only fueling my addiction. I have not blocked him for months because I"ve been afraid it would hurt his feelings...and that if he DID sober up, he would avoid contacting me.

^THIS is a part (I believe) of my distorted thinking. Blocking him should be for MY healing (right?).

Yes, I need to stop thinking about Mr. Perfect. That's who I WANT him to be...that's not reality. I am one of a long line of ex-girlfriends, one night stands, his third fiance (after a failed 9 month marriage). He is not Mr. Perfect...and as I'm writing this I can hear a voice in the back of my head saying, "But dont give up!!!" THIS is what I need to work on...a reality check.

After I read more of "Codependent No More" I saw that Low Self Worth, Communication and Dependency where my biggest issues. well...at least I have a name for my demons :-)

I really appreciate being invited to post more. Lord knows I need your support. It feels a little daunting to know that I have so much work ahead of me. But I DON'T want to be in this same place a year from now!

Argnotthisagain

Hi I'm new here, wanted to add where I am right now......

I know the feeling, the ADDICTED feelings for him that you're talking about.

It's a year ago that he left and I fell apart, even though I had started the gears rolling for our inevitable break-up the year before that. When it actually happened, I went into Drug Withdrawal mode. Delerium Tremens I mean Delirium NO mans! *ha ha*

My XABF is in another state, so No Contact is easier to do....but there have been emails. I know the feeling of hoping praying hoping there will be an email from him, and a change of heart.

However, I feel like I've shifted my own energy recently. Finding this board was just what I needed....I had forgotten how flamingly codependent I am. The clear thinking here and the "How-To" advice is exactly what I need.

I also had started praying/meditating on my OWN self esteem recently. I feel like all the crying, emotional despair, fantasy hopes, pain, are all part of the detoxing process I've been going through, the grieving process and developing a little hope that there IS a happier life for me.

Boy am I glad to find this place!!

The other night, I needed a fix. I emailed him cuz I wass mising him so badly (my bad). He was very loving and sentimental in his response, and finally, I WASN'T completely swept away by hearing what I wanted to hear.

I just simply replied that the problems he's having would probably be helped if he got sober. Second sentence was that I want him to get sober, and it's the deal breaker.

Well, he replied and I finally saw clearly. Same old ranting pattern: blaming me, self-pity, lieing, denial --the whole denial sandwich--in his ranting response to me.

It's sad, really, and I can see that he's not entirely wrong in some of his complaints about me. BUT, I also finally feel unhooked. Apologizing for my wrongs--I've done that time and again. There's no need to get derailed. There is one point and one point only right now, as far as my position with him: Sober. That's all there is for me to say, anymore.

The only thing that matters is whether or not he chooses Sober (and me) or Drink. And sadly, I don't expect him to choose me and sober. But I feel calm enough and hopeful enough that there IS better out there for me than staking my life on whether or not he Gets It.

It's taken me a year of going THROUGH the pain and finding ways to keep going a day at a time, though. OMG I thought the pain would kill me many times, and that I would drown in tears, or bust a blod vessel, sobbing so hard. Phew. I've done this enough in the past. I don't want to do it again.

My lesson is in the future, Wait, and don't hand over my heart so quickly and totally.

ODAT63

RedCandle,
Your story is mine and your thinking is just like my addiction to my now AXH, he is the one missing on me not Me on him, he lost the best thing that ever happened to him (his friends and family told me so), My therapist told me few days ago that I really do not love him, that it seems that I actually hate him, that you can not really love someone that has hurt you so much.
What you resist..persist, I love Louise Hay how to heal your life book, it was suggested by my sponsor in the early stages of my divorce and I really like it.
Another thing that is helping me is to pray for him and HIS happiness, actually it comes from the AA book, you pray that he will have all the things that you wish for you and that he can be happy the way HE Chooses to be happy, I am doing that now and it is helping with the cravings.
You are in my prayers too. you are stronger than what you think.
:ghug3

RedCandle

Ordered the book from the library ODAT! Thanks for the recommendation!

StarCat

Something that I used after breaking up with XABF was the book, "Getting the Love You Want."
It's written for couples therapy, but I didn't have a difficult time adjusting things for me as a newly single woman trying to sort through the insanity. It goes through a lot of "psychobabble" about why we look for the sorts of relationships we seek, which helped me figure out a lot of things about myself and my relationship with my parents, as well.
Also, I managed to adapt all but one of the exercises in the back into forms I could do alone with my journal rather than with a partner. It dug up tons of things that I hadn't realized and other things that I denied. Just a word of advice if you decide to do the exercises, I'd suggest having a close friend or confidant available to talk through some of the things you dig up, because some of it really was painful. I did bring two of my journal pages to my therapist (two different weeks) to work through, because I felt I got "stuck" on the feelings it dug up.

I'm so glad I did it, though! I have a much better appreciation of the dynamics between XABF and myself, and in addition my relationship with my parents has improved drastically due to some changes I have made in my dealings with them. I finally recognized that I'd never have the kind of relationship that I wanted, but if I set some firm boundaries here and made a few concessions there I could have a much better relationship than I had in the past!


I did also start doing some things I enjoyed.
I am gardening on my apartment balcony (this year I picked a theme of yellow and purple), including some climbing roses I ordered through the mail and planted last summer. One of them did not survive the winter (it was my least favorite, I wonder if it realized that! ), but the other three are going strong. This year I have also been cutting some of the blooms and putting them in a vase at my desk at work, which has helped my mood!


It's okay to have relapses, too. I have come to the realization that relapses in our codependency are actually helpful to recovery if we successfully work through them. After all, how can we realize how long it's been since we last thought of them unless we just thought of them?
Instead of getting stuck I try to focus on the positive side. "I haven't done that since x!" "Wow, this time I caught myself before I did y, much better than last time!" "That didn't last as long as it used to!"

LifeRecovery

I have not learned how to control my thoughts, but I have learned ways to acknowledge them and let them be.

A lot of meditation and mindfullness techniques talk about this and it was such a relief and a weight off my shoulders when I finally took a course in this. It helped a lot.

FindingJoy

RedCandle. My ABF of 2.5 years got sober 9 months ago in the program , on anti depressants, therapist one a week, AA sponsor, etc...AAAAND I've officially been no contact for 8 days now. He was just as selfish, entitled, manipulative, undisciplined, self hating, victim mode guy as he was when using in fact perhaps worse as he had to deal with life sober and felt some of the consequences of his past.

So a lot more in involved in sobriety than stopping the DOC. This is a life long journey. His behavior is unacceptable and his life is unmanageable therefor he is not allowed in my life.

This thread is great and very helpful.

I also feel my friends are sick of me but they aren't just discusted with my XAB repeat offensive and abusive behavior o someone they love....ME.

Please don't add shame to your plate..it's not necessary. If you knew better at the time you would have done better. I'm confident if you continue to work on your recovery you will only attract heathy wonderful people into your life.

My Thearpist asked me "are you willing to let go of your past to make room for the things you do want?". YES YES AND YES

webber1

Finding Joy

Something a good friend said " I dont care about her all we care about is you. She's going to destroy you . You deserve so much better "

When all your friends/family think that its really echoes what you know deep down...

JenT1968

I can't control my thoughts either, but when I am well (I am prone to depression) I can stop them taking root, and spiralling out of control.

2 things that help particularly when I need to wrestle my mind (in a head lock) back to attention on myself are

1) mindfulness - it's a technique you can learn, and can probably google the basics (which is all I use) it involves not judging your feelings/motions or thoughts, no good/bad, right/wrong and no guilt, but not ignoring them either. I get into a mindframe where "I" am seperate to my thoughts and I try to see them as leaves on a stream flowing into my mind and then out again. I can say "oh I see that I feel anxiety that ex is happier without me", and then let it flow on back out of me on the stream: no judgement.

my counsellor had to work with me a lot to see that my feelings, thoughts and emotions are not who I am
they are just things that I feel and think, and judging them is pointless.

If I can't get there, or stay there (and it takes practice) I physically stand up put my hand out like a policeman and say firmly "stop!" (works best in private!). It has to be said out-loud to work for me, and I say it repeatedly until those thoughts aren't wearing a groove in my head anymore (often because I start laughing at how ridiculous this would look if someone could see me .

your brain is in a habit, it has learned to obsess over and over with thoughts of worry, it takes time and effort to retrain it out of the short-circuits that have been created, don't sweat the rate of progress: it IS well worth the effort, and FWIW I think there are lots of great insights in your first post

NYCDoglvr

Red Candle.....

I've been obsessional like you and I know how terrible it is. It's like a bunch of bees are swarming around my head. Talking to the right person is what worked for me. It also helps to write down (lists are great!) reality checks. What really happened, why I left. Get very active, start fast walking or go to the gym, these thing help a great deal. Don't stay alone with your thoughts.

Also understand that while you're thinking about him he's obsessing with his higher power, God, great love of his life: alcohol. Not you. He is not thinking about you, only himself and booze. Active alcoholics are self-centered in the extreme.

You're doing great! I've been there and I can promise you this will pass. Today I look back and feel only pity for the person I used to be. You must help it pass.