thelaketheriver

Hello all,

I feel so stuck and unsure of where to go at this moment. I am not an alcoholic but I joined because my wife is and I am not sure of what to do/how to help. She is a member of this site and wants to move forward with her drinking but she continues to regress and each relapse is worse than the last.

I fell in love with my wife years ago. At the time, we were two 20-somethings who were very into our local music scene and had not a care in the world. She was very hot and cold with our relationship at first and it took a long time for us to "officially" start dating each other exclusively. I waited around for years for her because I knew there was nobody else I wanted to be with. In that time, she was dating other guys, which I was fine with; I knew she would eventually come around. She did. 2 months later, we discovered she was pregnant with another guy's kid. Though it was a difficult decision, I decided there was nothing that could keep me from loving her, and I stuck with her, and proposed to her the first time she was holding her son (she said yes!).

I have never really been a drinker. I was for a minute there in college, but alcohol never really "did it" for me. I was always the first guy to leave a party, the DD, etc. My wife, however, had always been the "life" of the party. She would drink herself silly, and I had no problem carrying her home, my thought process being "we're young, she can have her fun now, she'll grow out of it eventually." When her son was born, she really cooled it on the drinking. We moved to a neighborhood that was quieter and further removed from the bars and music venues. I'm wondering if that was a bad choice.

I work in restaurants as an operations specialist, and I tend to be gone for much of the day during the week. The past few months, my wife (who is a stay at home Mom by choice) has been drinking more and more. I saw alcohol ruin the relationship between my mother, my brothers, and I, and so I told her it would probably be a wise idea for her to cool it on the alcohol, especially when she was the only one home with a 16 month old son. She agreed. Everything seemed to be going fine, until I was cleaning the house a month or two ago and found a stash of empty wine bottles hidden in our fireplace. When I confronted her on this, she played dumb, claiming the bottles must have come from somewhere else and that was "so weird". My wife has always been honest with me, so I let it slide. A week or two later, I came home to find her passed out on the couch, with an empty wine glass next to her. I confronted her the next morning, and told her that this was a problem, especially considering she is the only one in the house with a beautiful baby boy. She said she would find ways to curb her drinking, and I offered to help in any way I could, but since I'm gone for most of the day, there is no real way for me to help hold her accountable. Repeat this scenario a few times until we come to today. The last time this happened, I told her she needed to get help, that she needed to find something productive to do with her days to get her out of the house (job, volunteer, ANYTHING). Throughout this entire process, I have tried to be supportive, but I told her that the next time this happened I would need a few days alone to clear my head and she would probably need some time alone to clear hers.

Well, came home last night and guess what I found? My wife passed out on the couch with an empty shooter of schnapps and an empty wine bottle. On top of this, I took a look at her phone and found that she had been texting a number of her ex boyfriends... in particular the father of the son that we are raising, asking him to come over and hold her.

I am at my wits end. She is going to stay at her parents house for the weekend, she made an appointment with an addiction specialist, and she promises to find help. But I have heard all of this before. What can I do? I love my wife. I love the little guy more than anything in this world. The last thing I want to do is call it quits. How can things change so I don't even have to consider that anymore? Is there something I am doing wrong as her husband? Do I need to leave my job and find something closer to home?

I want to help her, but I don't know how to. Any advice would be very much appreciated. So Sorry for the "life story" post.

-thelaketheriver

chronsweet

I am sorry that you are experiencing such a hurtful experience. I don't even know what to say about her communicating with ex-boyfriends. I can understand if she communicates with the boy's father as long as it is platonic, but it sounds like something different than that if she is asking him to come hold her. I live with an ABF and I can put up with a lot of stuff (and have), but I could not and would not put up with cheating. That is a deal breaker for me. Actually when he left my son at home sleeping while he went to get alcohol while I was at work was my last straw as far as staying in this relationship with a person who refuses to get help drinking.

I personally wouldn't change my job to further babysit my ABF. He is a big boy, I have a good job and why should I give up part of my life where I get money to support my son and I just to be closer to him.

The biggest help SR has been for me is in seeing that I am not alone. This story repeats itself over and over again and in so many different people and walks of life. I also found great solace in knowing I don't cause my ABF to drink, I can't control his drinking and I certainly can't cure it. He was drunk the day I met him, and I blame myself for not seeing the signs myself, not listening to my gut and for not leaving sooner. Now, I just am in planning mode and trying as hard as I can to keep it to myself. Everytime I allude to him or his mom that I might leave, it just causes me more grief. So, I bide my time silently and try my hardest to work on myself.

Good luck to you. Are you the adoptive parent of kid? I am not sure how being married to someone works, but you might have some custody rights to the child. I know in my state if you are married before the child is born, it is automatically the married couples child even if fathered by someone else.

MsPINKAcres

((TLTR))

Welcome to our SR family ~ hate to hear about the situation with your wife ~ but glad you are seeking help for YOU

One of the first things I learned in recovery was

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

For me, learning about the diease of alcoholism, attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature, and hanging out here at SR - really helps me in dealing with my loved ones affected by this disease ~ maybe it might help you too

Keep coming back - don't give up until the miracles happen in YOU - you deserve them

PINK HUGS,
Rita

stepsforward

Take care of YOURSELF. Educate yourself on alcoholism and the effects on the family. Read and talk to people. Get yourself some help

EnglishGarden

For the sake of that toddler, it is absolutely crucial that you understand that she CANNOT CONTROL her drinking. She will not be able to control when she takes a drink, where, or with whom. She will not be able to control how much she drinks once she starts. And she will not be able to keep a single promise she makes about not drinking when with the toddler or not drinking and driving with the toddler.

This, therefore, puts the absolute responsibility for that child's safety on you.

This is first a child endangerment issue and second a relationship issue.

I hope you will seek professional advice about your responsibility as witness to child neglect and endangerment.

thelaketheriver

Thank you all for the responses. They help a great deal. We have agreed that she and the baby need to stay at her parents house until this gets under control for the sake of the baby. A step in the right direction I think.

EnglishGarden, thank you for being so direct and reminding me who this affects most. I will be taking every step necessary to ensure that the little guy is in a safe place with a sober guardian.