Decisions, decisions ...
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Join Date: May 2012
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Decisions, decisions ...
Helloo! New here & find the posts so comforting during my recovery from codependency. Ill get right to it &ask yalls opinions on an issue ive been struggling w recently: should i allow my XABF & babydaddyto see our son?? Hes inconsistent, caught up in his addiction &i know my son misses him but im afraid that my A coming in & out of his life (like hes been doing since he was born) will hurt my son moreso than if i just cut him out completely. Hes almost 3 &deserves the best not some part time playmate who doesnt help provide for him or take his parenting responsibilities seriously! Advice? ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hi WorkInProgress 
I'm sorry I'm not the right person to give you advice on this stuff, but I just wanted to say welcome to SR You'll find a lot of support and help here hun, and I look forward to seein you around.
Still
xxx
I'm sorry I'm not the right person to give you advice on this stuff, but I just wanted to say welcome to SR
You'll find a lot of support and help here hun, and I look forward to seein you around.Still
xxx
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It would be hard to offer advice based on your one post.
I would want to know:
Is there a visitation schedule established by the courts?
Is he ordered to pay child support?
Is he named on the birth certificate?
I wouldn't let my life be controlled by a parent who wants to show up whenever he feels like showing up.
A visitation schedule would help.
If he misses his scheduled meeting with your son, I would have a plan B to do something fun with your child. He can visit the next scheduled time.
I never forced my ex to keep visitation. If the ex wants to do something more fun (alcohol related), I gladly let the ex cancel visitation. I would rather spend time with my kids than send them to be with someone who would rather be drinking.
I was a single parent while married, and I don't expect our divorce to change the ex into a responsible parent now.
I would want to know:
Is there a visitation schedule established by the courts?
Is he ordered to pay child support?
Is he named on the birth certificate?
I wouldn't let my life be controlled by a parent who wants to show up whenever he feels like showing up.
A visitation schedule would help.
If he misses his scheduled meeting with your son, I would have a plan B to do something fun with your child. He can visit the next scheduled time.
I never forced my ex to keep visitation. If the ex wants to do something more fun (alcohol related), I gladly let the ex cancel visitation. I would rather spend time with my kids than send them to be with someone who would rather be drinking.
I was a single parent while married, and I don't expect our divorce to change the ex into a responsible parent now.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tx
Posts: 117
Yes visitation has been established. He is ON child support but is jobless and doesnt pay but apparently still has enough $$$ to buy alcohol hmmm..& He is on the birth certificate. The visitation schedule is irrelevant to me though bc im not letting him take my son anywhere given the fact that he is an A and i dont trust him alone with our child. i broke things off w my XABF at the end of March and began NC. He didnt call my work (to ask about anything pertaining to our son) until the beginning of May. Hes called a total of 3 times this month and ive let them spend time at the park while i sit to the side for 2 of those calls. As for the third time, i told my A that our son doesnt need a part time dad or playmate and then he started rambling on about whatever so i hung up and havent heard from him since. My son has been asking and crying for his "daddy" and it breaks my heart but like i said he deserves so much better. To me parenting is 110% & my X has never given him that. Idk what to do.... I want to give my son what he wants which is time with his "father" but on the lfip side i dont want him to be exposed to and hurt by the behavior of someone so undependable and selfish!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I think it's very important for fathers to be involved in their children's lives to the best extent possible. If you feel your X isn't safe in terms of being sober enough to spend time with your son alone, then keep doing those supervised visits in the park.
I think that seeing his dad, even if it's just playing at the park with you there, is the best thing you can do for your child. No, your ex is probably not capable of stepping up and being a "real" parent right now, but your son doesn't need to know that. All that he needs to know is that he has a dad who loves him and spends some time with him. Even preschoolers know that everyone has a mommy and a daddy out there somewhere, and they desperately want to have that in their lives.
To protect your son in case the ex doesn't show up for a visit, never tell him that he's going to visit with dad ahead of the time. Just say "we're going to play at the park now" and go. If his dad shows up, you can say, "Oh, cool, Daddy knew we'd be here and wanted to come see you." If you get there and the ex doesn't show, your son won't know if you don't tell him ahead of time. And if you go to the park and your son asks if Daddy's coming (and he doesn't show up), you can say, "No, not today! You and I are here to have fun together, and Daddy will see you soon."
Keeping your son away from his dad will only hurt your son, and it won't do anything to motivate your ex to get his act together. Addicts aren't motivated to get better by the types of things that would work for normal people. They can lose their families and jobs and everything and STILL keep using. But by spending time with his son, it might help your ex by giving him hope that he can build a relationship with him. And if your ex ever gets sober, then your son will be able to have more of a relationship with him.
I think that seeing his dad, even if it's just playing at the park with you there, is the best thing you can do for your child. No, your ex is probably not capable of stepping up and being a "real" parent right now, but your son doesn't need to know that. All that he needs to know is that he has a dad who loves him and spends some time with him. Even preschoolers know that everyone has a mommy and a daddy out there somewhere, and they desperately want to have that in their lives.
To protect your son in case the ex doesn't show up for a visit, never tell him that he's going to visit with dad ahead of the time. Just say "we're going to play at the park now" and go. If his dad shows up, you can say, "Oh, cool, Daddy knew we'd be here and wanted to come see you." If you get there and the ex doesn't show, your son won't know if you don't tell him ahead of time. And if you go to the park and your son asks if Daddy's coming (and he doesn't show up), you can say, "No, not today! You and I are here to have fun together, and Daddy will see you soon."
Keeping your son away from his dad will only hurt your son, and it won't do anything to motivate your ex to get his act together. Addicts aren't motivated to get better by the types of things that would work for normal people. They can lose their families and jobs and everything and STILL keep using. But by spending time with his son, it might help your ex by giving him hope that he can build a relationship with him. And if your ex ever gets sober, then your son will be able to have more of a relationship with him.
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In addition, the 3 times hes called and the 2 times we all met at the park my XABF felt the need to tell me that he "misses me with all his heart" and that "he knows he f*cked everything up" & "any guy would be lucky to have me" QUACK QUACK QUACK. It makes me feel like hes trying to use spending time w our son as a way for him to try to get back into my good graces or get me back etc. and thats definitely not happening! Everything he does or says is insincere in my eyes. including his half hearted half assed sporadic attempts to spend time with our son.
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oh trust me i do ignore him! Ive had enough experience and read enough about an alcoholics tendencies to know that hes just full of QUACK! but To me him(my son) having a relationship with his father and not having 1 will both do damage so im weighing the pros and cons of both. &i didnt get a chance to go more in depth with my story but i have been going through this same ****** cycle with my XABF for almost 4yrs. If his sons BIRTH wasnt motivation enough for him to change then NOTHING will be. Regardless of whether i let him see him or not. Before i finally got to the point where i said enough is enough and im not dealing with this i used to let him spend any kind of time with our child that he wanted, he still didnt change. Sure theres been periods of time that hes found a job ot keep him busy and tone down the drinking so he can act like he gave a damn about his family (my son & I) but when that got boring it was back to the bottle. This same cycle has been going on since 2008. I fed into until now and trying to make the best decisions not only for me but for my son.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
You are right, often for an alcoholic, the birth of a child or losing their family or anything that would be horribly upsetting for a normal person, does not motivate the A to change. That's what addiction does to people. I have a family member who was addicted to drugs and permanently lost custody of her three kids. I know she loved them, but obviously in a limited way because she was an addict. Addicts don't make sense, and it helps to accept that.
Do you have a counselor? Having someone to talk to, especially if it's a female counselor who is a mother, might be helpful for you in making decisions about your son and how much he should see his dad. Maybe letting the ex have supervised visits with your son but with someone other than you supervising would be good, so you don't have to listen to your ex's manipulation.
Do you have a counselor? Having someone to talk to, especially if it's a female counselor who is a mother, might be helpful for you in making decisions about your son and how much he should see his dad. Maybe letting the ex have supervised visits with your son but with someone other than you supervising would be good, so you don't have to listen to your ex's manipulation.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Ok, thanks for clarifying those issues.
If you deny him visitation with his son, you can be held in contempt for not allowing him access to his child.
However, I do not recommend reminding him of his schedule for visitation. Also, I recommend not telling your son that his dad was supposed to see him today but never called or showed up. If your ex plans ahead for a visit, then I also agree with not telling your son and just taking him for an outing so he won't be disappointed if dad fails to show up. This is so your son doesn't feel that he is not important and blames himself as the reason dad is not showing up. Children need to know that they did not cause this. Your child's time with his father should be about your child's bond with his son, not about teaching dad responsibility.
I have a few years of experience in child support/visitation/ex husbands/ and ex-spouses of husbands. I learned what not to do with my ex husbands and our children by watching what the first wives did with visitation.
These were things I have seen that hurt the children:
1-Forcing the other parent to take kids just because the schedule says it is their turn.
2-Denying visitation because child support wasn't paid or not paid on time. (child support payments are not a condition of visitation)
3-Guilting the other parent into spending time with kids when they would rather be doing something else.
4-Telling a child what a A**hole they have for a parent.
5-Dumping the adult issues onto a child's lap and expecting them to take sides.
What I have found effective in dealing with my ex's and our children:
1-Accepting that I was a single parent in the marriage, and I am not going to make the ex learn responsibility post-divorce.
2-My children love their parents, and I want to continue to nurture that in their lives.
3-Allowing my children to form their own opinions of their parents. (I am now reconnected with my ex-stepsons because they are older and understand I wasn't the person their mother portrayed me to be)
4-Keeping my adult issues with my ex private.
5-Accepting that one of my ex's is Disney Land Dad. He is all fun and games and entertainment. Zero discipline, but loves his kids and they love him in return.
6-Missed/late child support payments will not keep my kids from seeing their dad if it is what they want. Both my ex's have been late or missed payments at one time or another. One missed about a year of payments and we never missed visitation if possible. We made other arrangements that worked in our situation. Since payments in your situation are court appointed, you have legal recourse and can speak with an attorney if you choose to take action.
Now dealing with alcoholism does cause valid concerns. I applaud you for supervising your son's visitations. I think public places are an excellent idea. Is it possible to get a family member or friend to accompany you so that you are not alone for intimate conversations with him? If not, I recommend cutting him off when he starts those conversations. Hold your hand up and say "I will not listen to this" if he continues you can leave; or if it happens on the phone state the same and tell him you will hang up if he continues. I had to hang up on my ex twice and he learned not to bring it up again.
If you deny him visitation with his son, you can be held in contempt for not allowing him access to his child.
However, I do not recommend reminding him of his schedule for visitation. Also, I recommend not telling your son that his dad was supposed to see him today but never called or showed up. If your ex plans ahead for a visit, then I also agree with not telling your son and just taking him for an outing so he won't be disappointed if dad fails to show up. This is so your son doesn't feel that he is not important and blames himself as the reason dad is not showing up. Children need to know that they did not cause this. Your child's time with his father should be about your child's bond with his son, not about teaching dad responsibility.
I have a few years of experience in child support/visitation/ex husbands/ and ex-spouses of husbands. I learned what not to do with my ex husbands and our children by watching what the first wives did with visitation.
These were things I have seen that hurt the children:
1-Forcing the other parent to take kids just because the schedule says it is their turn.
2-Denying visitation because child support wasn't paid or not paid on time. (child support payments are not a condition of visitation)
3-Guilting the other parent into spending time with kids when they would rather be doing something else.
4-Telling a child what a A**hole they have for a parent.
5-Dumping the adult issues onto a child's lap and expecting them to take sides.
What I have found effective in dealing with my ex's and our children:
1-Accepting that I was a single parent in the marriage, and I am not going to make the ex learn responsibility post-divorce.
2-My children love their parents, and I want to continue to nurture that in their lives.
3-Allowing my children to form their own opinions of their parents. (I am now reconnected with my ex-stepsons because they are older and understand I wasn't the person their mother portrayed me to be)
4-Keeping my adult issues with my ex private.
5-Accepting that one of my ex's is Disney Land Dad. He is all fun and games and entertainment. Zero discipline, but loves his kids and they love him in return.
6-Missed/late child support payments will not keep my kids from seeing their dad if it is what they want. Both my ex's have been late or missed payments at one time or another. One missed about a year of payments and we never missed visitation if possible. We made other arrangements that worked in our situation. Since payments in your situation are court appointed, you have legal recourse and can speak with an attorney if you choose to take action.
Now dealing with alcoholism does cause valid concerns. I applaud you for supervising your son's visitations. I think public places are an excellent idea. Is it possible to get a family member or friend to accompany you so that you are not alone for intimate conversations with him? If not, I recommend cutting him off when he starts those conversations. Hold your hand up and say "I will not listen to this" if he continues you can leave; or if it happens on the phone state the same and tell him you will hang up if he continues. I had to hang up on my ex twice and he learned not to bring it up again.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I agree that children should have BOTH parents actively in their lives but my mindset is either youre in or youre out. No sometimes, semi, part time crap. But thats why i posted here for outside advice bc i have been going back and forth with this decision and its clogging up my thoughts. Yes i do have a female counselor who happens to be the child of an alcoholic (her mother) and she basically stated what yall did: that it should be for my son's benefit bc its obvious he misses his "father," and that i should try to find someone else to go supervise so i dont have to potentially deal with blah blah quack quack from my A. The problem with finding someone else is the fact that nobody in my personal life that i would trust to supervise wants to have anything to do with my A either and i wouldnt ask them to take time out of their schedules to do so. I wouldnt force my A to take my son bc like i said before i will not allow him to be alone with him & i learned to tell my son only that 'his daddy has troubles but he loves you". As for the child support issue, the contempt thing i think about which is probably the only reason ive continued to let him see our son, in addition to the fact that my son wants to see him. The payments and $$ issues are backwash to me bc my A is more than $4000 in arrears and on a 10 year probation for all his missed payments yet i still allow him to spend time with our child even though hes still not paying which he may be prosecuted for come july if hes still not doing what hes supposed to . But alas that is his problem NOT mine. In regards to my issue i may just have to use all the strength God gave me to grit my teeth and bare it bc i love my son more than anything and unfortunately the father i chose for him is not the father he deserves but nevertheless he loves the drunk slob and theres nothing i can do about it...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You do have legal options.
When the arrears reaches an excessive amount, the courts will put him in jail. You don't have to worry about visitation when that happens.
My most recent ex was locked up for arrears on child support that was owed to his first wife. It's amazing how fast they can learn to manage their resources and pay after some time in jail!
Maybe the supervised visitation can be you and a friend together. I know it would make me uncomfortable to take my best friends child to the park to meet an ex husband, but I wouldn't mind going with her for support.
I'm glad you have a counselor to discuss issues with. You are doing great!
When the arrears reaches an excessive amount, the courts will put him in jail. You don't have to worry about visitation when that happens.
My most recent ex was locked up for arrears on child support that was owed to his first wife. It's amazing how fast they can learn to manage their resources and pay after some time in jail!
Maybe the supervised visitation can be you and a friend together. I know it would make me uncomfortable to take my best friends child to the park to meet an ex husband, but I wouldn't mind going with her for support.
I'm glad you have a counselor to discuss issues with. You are doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I know you wish your ex would step up to the plate and really be there for your son, but the reality is that, when couples with kids break up, neither one of them is there 100% anymore. My ex-husband (not an alcoholic) is a great dad, sees our kids all the time, and does a great deal of co-parenting. But nonetheless, he and I are not together so it means that sometimes more of the responsiblities of parenting fall on me and sometimes he has to take more.
I know that your case is different because we are talking about an alcoholic who really isn't a good, functioning parent in many ways. But whether he was an alcoholic or not, single parenting is what it is. You're not together anymore and you have to drop some of your expectations of your ex parenting the way you want him to. Your healthy expectations are: that he does not drink around your son or drink and drive with him in the car; that he pays child support when he's working; that he does not stand your son up when he's planned to see him.
You can't control that last one, but you can shield your son from it by not letting him know about visits ahead of time.
If your son wants to see his dad, then do the best you can to make that happen. I know you're angry and disappointed that your ex is not there for you or your son in the ways you want, but it is what it is. Sometimes we have to just throw our hands up in the air and accept things.
I know that your case is different because we are talking about an alcoholic who really isn't a good, functioning parent in many ways. But whether he was an alcoholic or not, single parenting is what it is. You're not together anymore and you have to drop some of your expectations of your ex parenting the way you want him to. Your healthy expectations are: that he does not drink around your son or drink and drive with him in the car; that he pays child support when he's working; that he does not stand your son up when he's planned to see him.
You can't control that last one, but you can shield your son from it by not letting him know about visits ahead of time.
If your son wants to see his dad, then do the best you can to make that happen. I know you're angry and disappointed that your ex is not there for you or your son in the ways you want, but it is what it is. Sometimes we have to just throw our hands up in the air and accept things.
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