Kateausten83

I've never posted on anything like this before...so here goes nothing. My husband has been an alcoholic for years. When I got pregnant almost two years ago, it escalated his disease to another level. He has been doing the cycle of being clean for a very short amount of time, then relapsing. And of course lying to me and neglecting his son, his business, his family and his wife in the process. He just got out of two weeks in rehab and relapsed within 48 hours. Every time he relapses, I put him out of the house. All we do is fight and create great amounts of chaos when he's drunk, and I don't want to expose my son to it. I have put him out again and of course, he's at his parent's house. My question is, am I doing the right thing by putting him out? I feel safer (although miserably lonely) without him here, but I just don't know if this is the right decision while I'm trying to detach from his behavior. I don't know if I can stay in the marriage, I'm trying to figure my feelings out, but I know i feel so torn and confused. How or when will I know that I'm making the right choices? I'm lost and lonesome.

Katiekate

IMHO you did exactly the right thing.

Maybe if you give yourself a good 6 months to a year to heal and get to know yourself a bit better things will be much clearer.

You have done your child a favor, children should not be in the sites of an alcoholic, it wounds them from the inside out.

Get yourself to a counselor, al anon, you need support and lots of. It will take you some time to muddle through you feelings .

You deserve to be happy and so does your child. love to you K

tomsteve

i'm a recovering alcoholic and can say people letting me live with them really enabled me to keep on living the way i was and i left a lot of wreckage.
i would highly suggest going to al anon. there are many meeting in the grand rapids area.
http://www.miafg.org/

gunther84

I agree with the top two posts, especially tomsteve. An active alcoholic will use your kindness to drink more. As tom said, by allowing him back in you would be enabling him. Tell him he need to be sober for 90 days and he should go to AA meetings during that time and then you may consider letting him back into your life. I know this would be hard on you and him, but doing this may help him reach his bottom and realize he truly has a problem.

I am sure when sober you husband is a good man, and I hope that man can return to you and your child. Unfortunately this disease causes alcoholics hurt the ones they love the most the worst. Good luck to you and use this site for support. You will find some great advise here.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Yes, what you are witnessing is what we found to be true also; Alcoholism is progressive and gets worse if untreated.

I think you are a good mom for telling the alcoholic to remove himself from your home when he is active in his addiction.

When I first arrived at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me some time to wrap my head around how powerless I was over alcohol, but when I did - I was able to focus on my needs and the needs of my children. Prior to that, I was focused on the other adult in the relationship and his actions/reactions.

I also did lots of reading here at SR. There is a wealth of wisdom and information in the sticky posts (older permanent posts located at the top of the forum pages). Here is one of my favorite stickies. It contains steps that helped me when I was living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

EnglishGarden

Imagine two film clips.

One shows a kitchen with a sense of calm, child eating and smiling, mother there, it is safe and warm.

The other shows a kitchen with chaos, child frightened and crying, mother crying, alcoholic father raging, there is nothing but pain and terror.

You have a choice, you really do, which life you want for your baby.

You have done the right thing. He abandoned you both for the booze. So he does not get to stay.

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family

hate so much that you have come here because of someone's drinking but glad you are seeking help for yourself ~ for me I have found reading & posting here on SR, attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature and working with a sponsor and most of all finding my contact with my Higher Power has helped me learn to make the healthiest decisions on what is best for me in dealing with my alcoholic/addict family members ~

I pray the same for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Kateausten83

Thank you all so much. I am going to al anon meetings soon...I'm not really sure what I'm waiting for but I know I need the help. I have some books for my own recovery (the one I'm currently reading is called codependent no more and its a great help) and I feel better just knowing that I have support here. Unfortunately I'm faced with the very difficult decision of weather or not to stay in the marriage and I'm totally devastated. What to do...

Amy27

By requesting that he leaves results in safety for you and your young. We do what we have to do to survive.

How long have you been married for? What is he like when he is sober?

wicked

Kate,
Hello, my name is Beth and I am an alcoholic.
There are decisions to be made, but this one (about the marriage) does not have to be decided today. Just get some space between you and your husband. Go to some meetings, and maybe consider some personal counseling. Get solid footing underneath, and get steady.
(Unless, of course there is any type of violence, then you must leave now and contact the domestic violence people and the police for restraining orders.)
The book you are reading now is an excellent choice, and there are many more there than just a few years ago. Get help for you, so you can be the best mother for your son.
Here's to recovery for another Michigander

Beth

CodieBird

You made a very wise decision not to let him stay with you and your baby when he's drinking. These knuckleheads who fall back on their parents kill me. My ABF is 50 years old. He took his son (teenager, from a previous marriage) to live with his parents last September after I threw him out for smoking pot on my property. Thanks to his "loving" (cough) parents, he'll probably never grow up and deal with his substance abuse.

Your husband has got somewhere to stay, so just float in a holding pattern for awhile and work on yourself. I think Beattie's Codependency books are very good and I've enjoyed attending CoDA meetings as well.

Let go and let God. Your Higher Power will let you know what you need to do when!

GerandTwine

The article "The Family Strikes Back" at Rational Recovery | Welcome to Rational Recovery may be of interest.

Milkwood

I am new here as well.

I think that you have, on so many levels, done the right thing. Well done on drawing a line. Stay strong. I imagine that on balance it feels great to feel safe and you know you are not alone, just choosing more secure company for the time being I hope.

In my experience it takes time to figure out what you want, my own thoughts swing every which way depending on the time of day. But IMHO you, brave lady, can hold your head up high.

Kateausten83

We have been married for 3 years on june 13 but we've been together for 13 years. He's so smart, funny, spiritual, successful, loving, kind and a million other wonderful things when he's sober. And he knows that his life is better when he's sober. But when he's drunk he's self loathing, feels sorry for himself, speaks abusively to me, ignores his son and thinks only of himself. His lying is really where I feel hopeless. I just can't imagine how, even if he finally gets and stays sober, I could ever possibly trust him. He has always lied to people to get out of having to do something he doesn't want to do or to avoid certain people, but he lies to me constantly. Of course he lies about drinking (and hides bottles, don't they all?) but he lies about EVERYTHING! Its just so intertwined in who he is I don't know how he could separate from it.