gourami11

I made a vow not to attempt to make any contact with my XAB. I went 16 days, then wrote him a long letter and mailed it. I told myself that was it, and I wasn't going to get obsessed because I knew that I had no control over what he did with it, if he'd even read it, etc. (He cut off all communication with me about 5 weeks ago, and is active in his addiction/in denial, etc). Then, four days after mailing the letter, i left him a loving, calm voice mail--even though I knew I should not. I am in al-anon, i've made myself accountable to several friends, talked it through, but I guess what I'm posting here is, I'm not alone, right? This is hard and I'm trying to not beat myself up, start over again, move forward without him, and realize it only hurts me if i do this, because I have zero control over him and everything is in my head, anyway--i don't even know what he's doing. :/ Trying to one day at a time it again.

I was really proud of myself, and had even gotten through our anniversary without contacting him. Now I need to stop obsessing, forgive myself, and try to stay focused on my recovery and forget about him.

changeschoices

Don't beat yourself up for being a normal human being and having feelings. And when you feel like contacting him, do something else instead. Anything, lol!

EnglishGarden

In a normal relationship, reaching out to communicate unresolved emotional issues is a mature and healthy act. Don't be too hard on yourself for what is your normal and reasonable need to express yourself, to anticipate useful feedback, and to find resolution in a damaged relationship. This is what maturity is about.

But with an active addict, our attempt to communicate and to resolve is usually self-defeating and leads to painful outcome. So many here write letters to active A's but never send them, or we take them to therapy.

Words just do not move an active addict. Laments, pleas, threats, confessions, expressions of hurt, anger, pronouncements of love, last words of goodbye.....these, I believe, simply feed the addict's feelings of grandiosity and control.

What you do is what he notices.

So hold your boundaries, protect yourself, and as best you can, do not try to work things out with an active addict. No contact is a powerful action.

Katiekate

Oh no, you are not alone, I have slipped, always resutling in just feeling worse, the opening of old wounds and days of recovery afterwards. I now call these my contact hangovers, emotional hangovers.

Don't beat yourself up, it is part of the process.

Now if I have the urge to make contact I sit and write down the things I know I will have to recover from.

It's okay, one foot in front of the other. You will get there.

gourami11

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your support, and your wise words. You are so right about healthy communication with someone who is mature and not an addict, versus just feeding the ego of the addict.

I am resolving to go back to my No Contact, because I agree--it's the most powerful point I can make at this point. Thank you so much.

RedCandle

Gourami, I too only made it to 16 days in my last round of "no contact" with one of my alcoholics. He contacted me via email and I responded. It didn't go well.

Now I'm on about 10 days of a new round...and yes, its extremely difficult.

I find myself wondering, "Wow, is this how its really going to end? We just fade off into oblivion after all we've been through?"

So, I've tried to change my thinking to get by.
When I say "no contact" I feel like I'm giving someone the silent treatment, to punish.
That adds to my pain.
Instead, I tell myself, "Its been 10 days of my actively trying to 'Let Go, and Let God.'"
"Its been 10 days that I've made an effort to get out of God's way"
"Its been 10 days that I haven't tried to mettle in a situation that is largely out of control."

Thinking about it this way has helped me not feel like I'm sitting in the corner, holding my breathe in a dramatic silence standoff with my alcoholic....

inpieces314

I find that when I am going NC that is when my house is the cleanest, when I am the most caught up with my schoolwork, when I am the most rested to go to work in the morning, etc.

I have a lot of stuff to do, that I ignore when I am arguing and whatnot. But NC to me is ME time, where I can do the things that have been neglected in my own life because I am so caught up in the alcoholic drama. That helps me not want to talk to him either. Because you get kinda greedy for ME time, when you aren't used to having it at all.

Lilmssunshine

I think you have done REALLY good so far!!! Its okay to make mistakes and learn from them. Best of luck

gourami11

Thank you, everyone. Yesterday, I had a great conversation with a member of his family who seems to have come out of denial (this was not the case with her 5 weeks ago)--she is the only person in his life I've had contact with since we split, and it was great for me to talk with her, because she agreed with me that no contact was the best thing for me to do. I was also validated in my notion that I'm not alone in dealing with his addiction and insanity--and I am rational and sane, as long as I'm not allowing him to make me irrational and insane. It was inspiring. Now i feel like i can face NC again--thank you all.