SoaringSpirits

My AH and I have been separated for a year now mainly due to his alcoholism. He is the typical alcoholic in that he does not consider himself to have a problem. At this point he's a fairly functioning "secret" alcoholic. He drinks alone at night. But things are progressing, of course.

We have kids ages 11, 14, 17 and 18. The youngest three spend every other weekend with him, which seems to work OK.

My youngest, an 11 year old boy, wanted to have a friend sleep over this weekend. I explained to him that we would not be doing sleepovers at his dad's house and I was up front that I did not feel it was OK to have a friend at dad's because of dad's drinking.

The mom of my son's friend is in the same boat as me --- attending Al Anon and grappling with the demise of a marriage due to alcoholism. So she and I both know each other's situation, and obviously neither of us is going to let our sons spend the night at dad's houses.

When my AH called this morning to confirm pickup plans for the weekend, he asked about our son wanting a sleepover. I simply said "Oh, I'll arrange that for next weekend when E is with me." My AH said "I can have the boys do a sleepover here, this weekend! It's fine by me!" Awkward!! At that point I said "No, I think it's better we do sleepovers here at the house." I hoped he would drop it, but he persisted. He asked me specifically WHY he could not do sleepovers at his house. Why?!? Because you're drunk at night, I thought.

So I had to be straight with him, and it did not go well. He is in such denial! I told AH "E's friend's mom and I are in Al Anon together. She knows you are an alcoholic. Her husband is also an alcoholic. She won't allow her son to sleep at your house and I won't allow E to sleep at her ex-husband's house. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is going to be."

My AH was silent (his usual way of being when he's mad) and said "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't go around talking about me to people at school and telling them stories about me. You and I have different opinions on drinking."

I told him that I respected that, but that it was MY choice to say what was necessary, and that some parents at school DO know he has a drinking problem and they won't be comfortable allowing their sons to go to his house. I also told him that what I say and think is my own choice; what he says and thinks is his. And then ended the conversation with "I'm sorry, but it is what it is."

He was silent some more then gruffly hung up the phone, mumbling something about seeing the kids tomorrow at drop-off.

I sat there after the call, dripping sweat and frustrated. How do I handle stuff like this in the future? I sure could use some SR words of comfort and advice. I have no one to talk to about this and I feel terribly rattled by my AH pushing this boundary.

angrywife

What you said seems pretty spot on to me. Good job.

marie1960

You cannot change how your husband thinks, or reacts to situations. It's completely out of your control. Keeping the focus on you and the kids is all you can do.

I agree with angrywife, You handled it the best you could. Good job.
I find putting some music on, and singing along, sometimes quite loud, eases my stress. Hang in there.

Pelican

As Suki (SR member) states:

"He can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in"

Really.

You are not responsible for his feelings.

You said what you meant, meant what you said, without saying it mean. Bravo!

PurpleWilder

From your description, it sounds like you did a great job.

You didn't seem to lose it, go over the top, etc. He asked why, you calmly told him. 'Nuff said!

Thelma

I'm wondering if he thinks that maybe you're making this up just to spite him. Another option is to let him call the parents of your son's friend and let them tell him no.

wicked

Yep, but I would bet his mad pants won't do that, it would make soaring spirits right!
Can't have that can we? Nope.
Soaring Spirits, I get the feeling since he wouldnt drop it, he wanted to make you uncomfortable.
You said, "It is what it is."
Yep, you handled that like a champ.
(oh boy do I know about the sweating and anxiety, I hated it when my ex or anyone yells at me. PTSD from childhood. Once my ex knew that, he used it to shut down any conversation not going his way.)
Great job!

Beth

SoaringSpirits

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement and letting me know I'm on the right track. It took a lot of nerve to say it so straight, and not get wound up or engage with him. Marie 1960, I took your advice and put on some music, Carole King and James Taylor, and sang. It helped until I got to the sappy love songs and then broke down crying over my failed marriage.

Thelma, I thought of this. I suspect he knows I'm not trying to spite him. And he'd never call this other mom, because he's terrified that I'm telling the truth --- that people just might be seeing past his carefully cultivated "Great Guy" persona and know the emperor is, in fact, naked.

wanttobehealthy

I think you handled it really well. I've done the try and avoid telling AH why x, y or z isn't going to happen bc of his drinking and eventually, when pressed and I say that the drinking is part of the equation, it usually goes as your conversation did.

I thought for a while that my AH "deep down" knew I wasn't out to get him or whatever other things he believes I am doing by speaking the truth of the situation with his drinking... But I really believe that untreated A's (mine too is high functioning and does a lot of secret night time drinking and maintains a great guy image in the community) see themselves as victims and DO believe that we are treating them unfairly. I suppose it's a matter of semantics but I think it's a good idea to take what he accuses you of at face value and expect his behavior to reflect the victim mentality he talks about. I often found myself in trouble (in terms of trusting AH to be a better guy than he is) because I would try to tell myself that he thought or felt diffently than what he was telling me. I think if your xAH is telling you he thinks you are trying to spite him, that is REALLY what he believes. Of course that is not what you are doing at all. But if you trust that he believes that, it might better prepare you for any future victim-y behavior he might try to pull.

I think you did great in the situation!

outtolunch

But it's OK to have your kids at his dad's place, despite dad's drinking?

akrasia

Ha! Classic. Does he respond by saying, "Well, crap, I had no idea. Sorry to ruin the kids' fun and make other people feel awkward."?

No, it's all, "Look what YOU did!" Seriously, too much drinking makes their little brains shrink.

You did great.

SoaringSpirits

I can't legally remove my AH 100% from my children's lives, nor would I want to. High functioning, look-good smell-good affluent alcoholics tend to get custody. In my case I'm grateful he agreed to only 4 days/month as he did not want to disrupt their lives by splitting their time between two houses. They see him every other weekend and they are in Alateen, etc and well aware of the situation with their dad. They do love him, and it is important that they have a relationship with him. He is not a monster, he's an alcoholic and a human being that we have compassion for.

SoaringSpirits

You know what? You are right, I hadn't thought of it that way. It's another form of blame shifting, this "don't go telling stories about me being an alcoholic." It's clever how alcoholics find ways to shift responsibility to everything/one but themselves. Blech!

NYCDoglvr

It sounds like you were straightforward and honest, which is exactly the right way to be. It may not feel good, but you aren't responsible for his reaction. It's his problem if he doesn't understand or agree. Bravo!

24Years

I'm right there with you SoaringSpirits. I've been separated 13 months and we have started divorce proceedings. AH has seen the kids every other weekend over the past year but there have not been any sleepovers (our kids). He would like the divorce settlement to include that they sleep over plus one additional night every other week.

We will be meeting to see if we can come to an agreement in the next week or two. Wish me luck as I do not want them to sleep over though they are now 16 and 17 so I know that is helpful to the situation.

I've been thinking (if I have to say it) that since AH has never said boo about his alcohol abuse (no apologies, no nothing but blame shifting), I'm thinking I have grounds to say I am not okay with sleepovers when he can't even admit there has been a problem (and give a few appalling examples of past behavior).

Now if only I can convince him. Where's the magic wand? (sarcasm)

lillamy

Oh the issues and the BS we deal with...

My youngest is a girl -- and that has simplified the issue of sleepovers at Dad's house because even AXH realizes that having a sleepover with young girls as a single dad sets him up for trouble. But in our case, it was even simpler: None of the parents of my daughter's friends know that he's an alcoholic, but they've all picked up on something not being right, and followed their gut feelings. She never has playdates at his house, she never has sleepovers -- and I've never had to have the discussion you had with your AXH because of it.

I do think you handled it most excellently, though. You didn't shrink to lying; you were straightforward without being nasty; you stood your ground. That's all you can do. I don't think I would have added the part about being in Al-Anon with the other mother; I would probably just have said, "because you drink every night, you should not even be responsible for your own children, let alone other people's children" and left it at that... because it doesn't really matter that the other mother is dealing with the same crap.