MTSlideAddict

I almost knew this would happen, but hope kept me believing that he can remain sober. Fresh out of rehab graduation he became a realtor. He loves his job, and has worked hard for it. He had a slip up with alcohol, but then he contacted his support and got back on track. He slipped up again and once again contacted his support (after the fact). However, I noticed that the next day he kind of dismissed them. They called him to check in and he said that he was fine and that was it. I recently noticed him attempting to hide alcohol consumption from me. With this discovery, I re-contacted the lawyer to restart the options. Last night I came home from work with him obviously intoxicated although he was attempting to conceal his level of intoxication.

I have come a long way since last summer. I quit smoking, lost 26 pounds so far, I have spoken to a counselor to begin classes at school, and I have been trying to discover my inner peace. I do not need to deal with active alcoholism anymore. I have invested eleven years into this relationship and am about to walk out broken and with very little. I almost want to stay longer just so he can make more money so I at least get half of that. I have to get my dog though. Is it weird that the primary reason why I hesitated so long to make a move is my dog? The thought of possibly losing her breaks my heart even more then the thought of losing him. It also breaks my heart to take her away from my husband who is also extremely attached. Urg, it’s so frustrating.

cfm

You seem to be a person of great compassion, but there is someting that you must understand.
...........Learning about the disease of alcoholism in an institutional setting (rehab) is not the same thing as learning how to stay sober in a drinking world.. Those are totally two different things. Your husband does not have a drinking problem.....never did. Your husband has a thinking problem. His thinking keeps on getting him drunk, I know, I have the same problem. He has yet to realize that he is powerless. He thinks he can stop at 3, or maybe 4,.........or maybe 9............He doesn't realize that when you get run over by a train it's the engine that kills you not the kaboose..........He also has yet to realize that he can't save his face and his ass at the same time.
He is in a battle for his life and he just might take you with him. May God go with you. ..........................But I gotta tell ya, the dog thing is really wierd

langkah

Great post, very honest regarding the concerns of most importance to you.

Having lost the 26 pounds, worked on regaining your inner peace and reentering school you can now use the time while he's working really hard to build up the family fortunes to an acceptable level to knock out your degree. At the end of school you'll have the means to support yourself comfortably in addition to half the money he's made to that point.

It's possible too, given the lengths he's tried already that he may find a way to stay sober during that time, giving you the freedom to walk away and not feel as if you're abandoning a sick individual...guilt free.

Just saying that your plan here looks really solid and workable. Personally, I'd take the dog too.

MTSlideAddict

LOL... is it really?? Nobody gets attached to their dogs like I do? She is my little buddy.

I really think that you may be spot on with your analysis on his situation. To me he is thinking that he can handle it himself; he is thinking he can control it. He has so many resources –rehab counselor, psychiatrist, support system, AA, and he is not utilizing any of them because he doesn’t believe he is powerless.

Pigtails

I say take the dog and leave him.

You're not going to get that much more money in just a short time of him working, and it's really not worth it. And no offense but in this real estate market he's not likely to make that much money.

I say just think only about what is best for you-- emotionally, not financially (you can always earn your own money later!) and get out ASAP.

Best wishes.

ETA -- Yes I get attached to my dogs, and that's why I'd bring them with me. Also, take all of my advice with a grain of salt, because I'm not at the point of being able to follow it yet myself. :-/

m1k3

MTSlideAddict, I noticed one big thing in your post. You quit smoking. According to Health Canada: Yet you quit.

He didn't.

There is a big difference between quitting and trying to quit. He doesn't see that difference yet.


Your friend,

MTSlideAddict

That is true. I quit after fourteen years. I had been a smoker since I was fifteen. I applied what I learned of the AVART method. It wasn’t easy and I still get thoughts, but I know I do not want to feed the Beast.

Freedom1990

I completely understand about the dog. My canine compadres are my second set of kids.

As for "slip ups", I don't buy that.

When I relapsed after 4 years in recovery, I made the conscious choice to pick up the drink again.

Once that first drink was had, all bets were off on how it would end up.

Your AH made the conscious choice to drink again, and now the alcoholic in his brain is driving the crazy bus.

Sending you gentle hugs of support!

Florence

Sigh. This is what I'm afraid of.

I have no wisdom for you, just hugs.

Linkmeister

I can attest to the addictive nature of tobacco. It is harder to quit than any other addiction. No, I haven't quit smoking. I've tried and not been successful. I admit to that, which was more than the EXABF did about his drinking.

My EXABF is still drinking, but I quit the addiction of the EXABF. For me, that was huge.

Congratulations on quitting smoking......

m1k3

Go to the secular connections forum and read the threads on Rational Recovery. I used something like that on my own when I quit dipping snuff (chewing tobacco but more gentlemanly) and I am using it now to quit drinking. 30 days. The tobacco was harder though.


Start here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html

Your friend,

marie1960

You don't want to live with him, why leave the dog behind to be neglected? Pretty sure if the dog could talk, he would tell you the same.

Wishing you and your pup all good things.

dollydo

I go, my dogs go...I have never had a problem finding a place to live with them.

If he wants his own pal, he can buy a dog for himself, although I certainly wouldn't recommend it, as, being an active "A" he will not take proper care of the pet.

wicked

Yes, MTS, he probably does love the dog, but will be incapable of giving it the love and attention it needs.

Like MiniMe, my dachshund. Everybody loves MiniMe. She is mine, mine, mine!
oops, did I say that out loud? I call her my little buddy too.

I am so glad you quit smoking, I did too. The money I am saving is astounding.
six dollars a pack, times 30 days. one hundred eighty bucks a month, at least.
Amazing.

Beth

Cyranoak

It's not about the dog. It's about you using the dog as an excuse. If it hadn't been the dog you would have found something else.

You stayed because you wanted to stay. And, as far as I can read, you still do.

Cyranoak

Lilmssunshine

I can TOTALLY relate when it comes to furdaddy/furbaby connections. I felt bad when I left my ex because my German Shepherd loved him and vice versa. I wouldnt let them see each other until drama died down. Once drama died down I allowed them to see one another. And I still send him pics of her. If he calls I put him on speaker phone so she can hear his voice. I still feel bad from time to time. But I know its for the best, feelings are just...feelings. Theres nothing wrong with feeling bad about that Best of luck with everything.

celticgenes

So sorry for your whole post. I can relate to all of it. My XAF had five years sober, or maybe not, but he seemed sober. Then he made the conscious decision to drink again. I was heartbroken!

Since it was not our first time on the crazy-go-round, I quickly made the decision to let him go.

I had to give him the 10 month old puppy I had gotten him for his birthday. That was really hard! I have to put it out of my mind or I'll go crazy. I've asked his family to let me know if he totally loses it, so we can take the sweet dog back. But other than that, I have to let her go.

As one of my smart friends said, would you rather the dog was neglected, or you?

I also cried when I cleaned out his things. We had been together for 20 years. But I printed out a picture of him, holding his new dog, healthy, happy, and sober. Not sure most folks would understand, but it helps my recovery to remember him whole. Trouble was, he could never sustain that.

Good luck, be well, stay strong!

gerryP

Congratulations MTS on quitting smoking and your weight loss! Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done. More difficult than quitting the booze, but the thought of returning to it ever is gone.

As far as your dog goes, I too can relate. He is my buddy also and goes everywhere with me including the office. Only places he doesn't go is grocery stores, the theatre and restaurants. Even then, he's usually waiting for me in the car and happily.

You sound like you have a great plan and a happy life ahead!

MTSlideAddict

You are right. The dog is not an excuse, though. The dog is my hang-up. The dog represents the comfort of the family life that I thought I was building. My dog is the one that made me feel good to come home. She follows me everywhere, makes me smile, I teach her tricks, she keeps me company, and sleeps with me every night. The thought of the fight to keep my comfort and drop the baggage is what scares me. She is considered property by the courts, so she can be just as easily awarded to an alcoholic as she can me. My husband would not let my doggie buddy go easily and neither would I. I wouldn’t want to share her, because that would make us weirdly tied. The cats would be split, because technically each cat was given to one another as gifts. I did stay because I wanted to, but the leaving is not that I can’t let him go it’s that I am struggling to let my comfort go. My struggle is not that I think I wouldn’t be fine without him because I know I will, it’s that I have to go through the who gets the house, who gets what car, who gets this and that. I know its materials but I invested eleven years into it, and the expense along with the need for courts is scary. I love the house, the cars, the dog, the cats, my bedroom set, etc., and it’s really scary to walk away from any of that.

I’m sure there are many in my position because in the end, bottom line, hope is the thing that keeps me at home. I am hoping he will get himself straight, so I don’t have to go through an uncomfortable court proceedings. I am hoping that I do not have to start over. I am hoping that this lie is the last one. This is the struggle that most if not all of us are faced with- how to get off the rollercoaster. My baby-steps may be in fact baby-steps, but it took a tremendous amount of guts to contact the lawyer again.

Thanks for all the congrats on the weight loss and the quitting smoking. I feel that these are only minor successes in my journey, and more will flourish. I feel that I need to make myself healthy physically and mentally, and allow my intuitions to come. Hopefully my baby-steps will progress to big-girl steps, because I do have a vision of my dog and I relocating and settling into apartment living in another state. This vision is making my other vision of settled life with hubby grow smaller.